In the last three years I'd never really given much thought to what my reaction would be to seeing the Cullens again, to seeing him again… well maybe in the beginning before I was changed, I'd spend my time wishing, hoping, praying that he would come back to me. That he would change his mind and realise he did really love me, but I stopped wishing after a while, cause I knew those thoughts would only cause me pain. I mean why would he love me? He was perfect and I'm just plain, dull Bella Swan… or at least I was until I "died". I've spent the last three years trying to convince myself that I'm different now, I'm stronger and better than I was before and with the help of my new family I actually started to believe it, that I was special, that I deserved to be loved by someone like Edward but now they're back and what do I do? I freak out and I run… turns out I've not changed as much as I thought I did, I may be different physically but deep down I'll always just be boring Bella Swan, the girl he left… the girl he didn't want…
I've been running for what feels like forever, and at the same time it feels like its been no time at all, I didn't even realise where I was going until I got here. So now I'm standing here looking out at the ocean from the cliffs at La Push, the place where I chose to end it all 3 years ago so much has changed since then but standing here now I have a similar choice to make as I did back then, when he left me, when it felt like I had lost everything I had the choice between life and death… I chose death, but the fact that I'm still here, even with the lack of heartbeat shows that didn't quite go as I had planned and for that I'm glad, I have a family that loves me, that wants me, that would die for me and I'd do the same for them… do I need the Cullens? Do I really need him? No, I don't think I do anymore, I love him and I know I'll never stop but I don't need him anymore, I want him, I always will, but I don't need him. He's happy now, with her and surprisingly I'm okay with that, if I cant make him happy at least someone can, after all when you love someone you put their needs, their life and their happiness before your own. So that's what I'm doing, as long as he's happy I'll be okay.
I have two choices now, I can live… or I can exist, when I was human I decided that I couldn't live without him and for months all I did was exist, I went through my life completely numb and oblivious to the world around me… but now things are different, I lost everything back then and had nothing to live for, or so I thought, now I know I was wrong and now I have a whole family to live for and they need me I have to be strong for them…
I took two small, slow steps forward and then I jumped, falling through the air towards the waves below the question was playing over and over in my mind like a broken record, live or exist, live or exist?
And just before I plunged into the water I opened my eyes and smiled… I choose live.