Blood of Innocence
Summary: 'But it was done. And he couldn't go back now, couldn't just open that door and walk back in and apologize. It wasn't that simple.' / Tag to season 4 episode 22: Lucifer Rising.
Disclaimers: Not mine, you know the deal. If they were, the bros would hug things out a lot more. And freaking talk. Stupid pride... *sulks*
And the song is Burning in the Skies by Linkin Park. Also not mine. I'm not that smart. :P
UPDATE (19 June '12) – Finally got around to fixing this up – it had some glaring mistakes and typos that were pissing me off to no end, so I got those sorted out, and fixed up some of the wording in some bits because it didn't... flow right, I guess. Added a couple of stuff to the dialogue, fixed paragraphing – yeah, basically just beta'd this myself about a few months too late. xD Hope you like it!
We held our breath when the clouds began to form
But you were lost in the beating of the storm
And in the end we were made to be apart
In separate chambers of the human heart
I'm swimming in the smoke
Of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve
"You walk out that door, don't you ever come back," Dean gasped out through a bruised throat. Bruised from near-strangulation. Near-death, at the hands of his brother. It wasn't a wonder his eyes were dark with hurt, with betrayal and anger and regret.
Sam looked down at his older brother; face cold and hard, still bubbling with fury and adrenaline and threatening to overspill. And he walked out.
Again.
The words were ringing in his ears - first in Dean's voice; then switching to another, an older memory. The same words. The same disappointment.
Sam thought sometimes he'd never lament anything more than the time he walked out on his family for another life - not for the reason he left, but for the impact it had on his brother, for how deep the hurt had cut him. And Sam never wanted to do that to him again.
But it was done. And he couldn't go back now, couldn't just open that door and walk back in and apologize. It wasn't that simple.
It wasn't the last time either...
It started the same as every other argument, only this one escalated a lot more than any of the others ever did. Not for one particular reason, but maybe they'd both finally reached their limit.
It was bound to happen sometime, but none of them could have been prepared for what it led to.
It didn't help matters when John found out about the acceptance letter too...
"Were you planning to even tell us? Or were we supposed to find out once you were five states over and starting college?"
John's voice wasn't raised, but the cold anger in it was enough. He stood tall and foreboding, arms crossed, stance rigid and tight with tension, glowering down at his youngest.
Sam wasn't cowed, and he faced his father with a mixture of fierce determination and stubborn hot-headedness.
"Right, 'cause it really would've made any difference whether I told you or not," he snapped back.
John's eyes narrowed. Off to the side, Dean groaned and made a 'why?' gesture at his brother, who ignored him.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
Sam's nostrils flared as he clenched his fists. "That whenever I did tell you, you'd say no. But you know what? Screw that, because I'm still going."
A short, tense silence filled the room. Sam glared at his dad defiantly. Dean stared at his younger brother.
John exploded.
"You what?" he boomed, taking a step forward. "You want to repeat that, Sam?"
He scowled. "I said, I'm going. I don't like hunting, I'm sick of this futureless life, and you know that! So, yeah, I'm freaking gunna go."
John's jaw clenched. "Over my dead body."
"Don't you try to stop me!" Sam exclaimed angrily. He glared at his father. "You can't fill my whole life with hunting, Dad! I'm old enough to know what I want and I'm choosing this, damn it."
"You listen to me, Sam, and you listen good," John growled, going closer to tower over his son. "There's no giving up on hunting. You can't just erase it all and live normally, not while you know what's out there. So you can go to college, you can study and work, you can pretend, but you can't get away from it all."
Sam stared back, expression surly. "Watch me." He broke away from the glare and marched towards the room, pushing past the rigid form of his father. He paused at John's next words, words laced with anger and the by-now common disappointment that came up when they fought.
"You leave... there's no coming back. You can give up this life for good, or not at all, Sam."
Sam resisted the urge to turn back and respond, instead forging ahead and forcibly pushing the door to their room open, mind set on getting his bag and getting out.
-x-
Dean followed his brother to their shared room, matching his quick angry stride and shutting the door behind them. He watched as Sam strode to his bed and threw the rest of his belongings into his already packed duffel, before going over to him, a frown marring his features.
"What the hell, Sam?"
"What?" Sam's tone was flat and he was carefully avoiding his older brother's gaze. He zipped up his bag.
"'What'? What the freaking hell, that's what!" Dean exclaimed, then cursed and grabbed Sam's arm to turn him around. "Look at me, damn it," he growled. "You can't be serious."
Sam bravely met his eyes, though he still seemed reluctant, but he was too stubborn to look away. So he straightened up and shouldered his duffel. "Damn right, I'm serious. I'm making my own future, Dean, I'm not gunna just follow Dad around everywhere and let him make hunting my life as well as his! You've seen how obsessed with it he is, man! And I'm not you, I don't even like it-"
"Right," Dean cut in, voice low and tight, eyes blazing. "So, what, you'd rather some boring normal life rather than finding that son of a bitch that killed Mom and sending it to hell the hard way? Than freaking saving people from the nightmares they don't even know about? Nice priorities there, dude," he sniped sarcastically.
Sam flinched at the harsh tone and stayed silent. He tore his eyes away from Dean's, gaze jumping from the bed to the floor, but avoiding his brother. When he spoke, his voice was quiet. "I can't stay, Dean. This life isn't for me. I gotta get away from it, from Dad." Dean's jaw clenched at that and Sam looked back at him quickly, eyebrows drawing together, green eyes losing their heat when he saw the look on Dean's face - the silent You're getting away from me too.
Unspoken, but heard anyway.
The look only lasted a second, then Dean's hard mask was back. "Fine. I get it, you're sick of hunting. You couldn't have at least told us when you freaking enrolled? What, were we gunna just wake up one day with nothing but a note or something? 'Don't bother looking for me, I'm at college'. A heads up would be nice, Sam."
Sam shook his head once with a scowl, face pinched. He gave his brother a last long look before walking to the door. He paused with a hand on the knob, then said in a low voice, "I'm not gunna argue with you, man. I don't want to. But, I..." He stopped and turned around reluctantly, raising his eyes so he could see his brother. Dean stared back, face forcefully stoic. Sam hesitated, on the verge of saying something, but in the end he just shook his head and left.
He didn't see the brief moment when Dean's mask fell, nor the resentment and loss that flashed through his eyes. He didn't see his older brother's composure crack when the door shut, didn't hear the bitter "dammit" as he kicked the wall in hopeless fury.
Sam didn't look back when he walked out. Not because he didn't want to, but he knew if he did he might start getting second thoughts, might start doubting his decision. So he missed it all.
An impatient huff escaped Sam and he forcefully pushed the memory aside. He couldn't afford distractions now, and he definitely couldn't let his emotions get the better of him. Not now. Not when he was so close.
He leaned back on the closed door, letting his head drop back on it and his eyes slide shut for a moment. Just a moment, to catch his breath...
There's no coming back...
A curse slipped past his lips and his eyes snapped open. He had to get this whole deal over and done with. He couldn't dwell on what had just happened or on the past. It was done. And there was no taking it back now. He knew that. He knew he was to blame, too. And he accepted it.
If it meant stopping the Devil from rising, stopping the apocalypse from starting, and saving lives - Dean's especially - then... he'd do it. He was past the halfway line now, crossed it way back, when he first let the demon blood pump through his veins. He didn't have time to be disgusted at himself for it; he just accepted it and kept going, because if he didn't do this, didn't stop Lilith, he really would lose everything. Because maybe if he managed to do something good and right, Dean would forgive him and let him return. Like the other times.
If he didn't forgive him... well, he deserved it. Sam knew that. And he let the resentment that it caused join the anger and the hopelessness that would have otherwise defeated him, let those feelings take him over in a rush of adrenaline and power.
He had to do this. It was the only way...
The blame is mine alone
For bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve
What I don't deserve...
And here's the dead wood to make the fire rise
The blood of innocence burning in the skies
A/N - O.O First songfic ever. :D Wasn't gunna be a songfic originally, but I liked the lyrics too much not to put them in. It's not the full song, though, just parts of it. ^^
And, Supernatural fic number four! :D *throws confetti and balloons*
Been wanting to do this for a while. That episode killed me so bad. :'( Though it's nothing compared to season 5, but... *deep sigh* Anywayz. They make it through. And become awesome bros again. Right? Yeah... *holds on to that li'l ray of hope* xP
Reviews are, as always, appreciated. ^^ Reviews are like... ferrero rocher chocolates. However you spell it. :P In other words, epic awesomesauce. :)
Cool, so I just realised each of my fics so far is a different type. :P Now I gots ta see which one's more popular and write more like it. Lolz.
Cheerios, fellas~
izzy. :3