This is a PARODY, made PURELY for fun. Not MAKING FUN. This is not directed to any of you fanfiction writers.
Hellsing belongs to Hirano. This silly little story (?) belongs to me.
Now, let's begin with an average day at the Hellsing mansion. Oh, Hellsing The Dawn. Now, Girlycard sits in a room reading/wondering/eating/doing something else. Now, let's say (s)he's wondering about (his) her past. So, 1 or 2 chapters are spent with Girlycard angsting, and crying lots of tears of blood in the process.
Meanwhile, on the other end of the mansion (describe it longly), young Walter (possibly standing in front of a mirror, so 1. you can describe him and spend another chapter – oh, after ending it with stuff like "…and his lovely raven locks etc…" don't forget to add "OMG! A CLIFFY!" 2. if a fangirl, you can drool and imagine him UNdressing) angsts about how much he is in love with Girlycard, and there go a few more chapters.
Still in the mansion, Arthur angsts about how he has finished his alcoholics. But wait, this isn't angsty enough! So, Arthur angsts about how no one wants to marry him and he's without a heir. So, another two chapters.
Then, you can angst a little more with Girlycard or Walter. Getting back to Girlycard, (s)he's getting REALLY angsty when the door swings open and… OMG! A CLIFFY! (Of course, for the sake of adding stuff like "Alucard heard fast-paced steps echoing down the stairs…", this can happen in the basement). So, in the end (you can spend 1 or 2 chapters with Girlycard drying away her tears of blood and wondering about who it could be), Walter enters the room. There goes another description (and possibly another chapter) about his angsty, sad, worried etc. face. OMG! A CLIFFY! Another chapter about wondering, and OMG! A CLIFFY! In the end, Walter cries out "Alucard… I love you." There goes another chapter about how Girlycard is surprised or happy, but in the end accepts. And then… OMG! M-RATED! LIME! LEMON! ORANGE! GRAPEFRUIT! And more tropical fruits. For more impact, locate the action inside Alucard's coffin. Then Walter, in ecstasy, can angst about how strict it is.
The night flows past (beautiful panoramic about the stars, a full moon and some random animals, like bats, owls, wolves, maybe some ghouls), you can spend another chapter about it. Oh, if you choose the ghouls, FOR HIRANO'S SAKE, DON'T MAKE THAT LOVING COUPLE STOP! It's so lovely inside that sweet little coffin. Make the Hellsing army destroy the abominations, and wonder about where Alucard could be. Ah, the lucky (?) reader knows!
Okay, after the night is finally over (2 or 3 chapters, and some OMG! A CLIFFY!-s about how Walter sneaked back to his own quarters, obviously angsting all along), you can write a few chapters about an absolutely OOC Girlycard angsting about what (s)he had just done.
So, chapters in and out, steps echo down the stairs, and Walter rushes in. OMG! A CLIFFY! Angst and descrpitions follow, and finally a conversation similar to this takes place:
"Alucard… I think we're expecting…" Walter said (angsty description of his face).
"But Walter, I'm a vampire." (S)he can stay this steadily, or you can make her OOC and terrified.
"I know, but…" Walter said (with an even angstier face, of course).
"And we used condoms." (Riiiight.)
"SHUT UP!" OMG! A CLIFFY!
Angst, angst and angst, then… Walter is pregnant.
"I used a pregnancy test this morning…"
For Arthur Hellsing keeps some, just in case. And a 14 year-old boy's first thought after a night of making love is obviously this, for he skipped all the biology lessons.
Guess what follows? Why, MORE ANGST! MUCH more.
And there you go, the next 10 (but minimum 5) chapters can go with Girlycard and Walter angsting. Here goes the first logical thing: a 14 year-old boy can't be taken to an abortion clinic. Yes, technically he could be taken there, but who works in that clinic? Frankenstein? (Or Dok from the Millennium? For he would operate Walter, instead of killing him, of course.) Okay, we went off-topic, sorry.
After your reader has drown in the angst, you take them out and Walter, after barely two months, goes into labor. OMG! A CLIFFY! And some "unbearable pain", blood, tears, Girlycard rushes over and cries blood all over Walter. OMG! A CLIFFY!
"Oh Alucard… a vampire baby… is different… such a short time… aaah!" more unbearable pain and angst.
OMG! A CLIFFY!
In the end (a few chapters about pain, wondering, oh, and don't forget the ANGST), Girlycard somehow realizes (s)he can't take Walter to a hospital, but they need to leave the mansion (?), so they get into a limo and shot off into the night. Now, the choice is yours: 1. They can get stuck in a snowstorm; 2. The limo can break down/run out of gas; 3. The best one: lots, and here I mean LOTS of ghouls from the evil Millennium STRIKE DOWN!
OMG! A CLIFFY!
Now, about 2 or 3 chapters with Girlycard trying to beat the ghouls (didn't know they were so powerful) while angsting about Walter being in labor, and Walter in pain. Unbearable, don't forget it.
In the end, Girlycard beats up the ghouls, possibly in less than one chapter, and gets back to Walter… and on with (his) her hopes about not being too late. OMG! A CLIFFY! But it's too late, you guessed it! Cliffies and angst (3 chapter minimum), after which Girlycard rips the baby out of Walter, then puts her down (yeah, it's a her, Mpreg stories can produce only girls, but there's also another reason), and she can cry so they can angst a little more, but Girlycard sews up Walter (where did (s)he find thread and needle?) (and don't forget unbearable pain, blood and cries, just to angst the fic a little more), and he's perfectly alright. Niiice.
Now, they pick up the baby (and logical thing nr. 2.: Walter can't lactate. Oh wait, he can! Or maybe Girlycard can, but let's get back to topic.), and feed her (yes, a baby's bottle of warm milk juts happened to be lying around in the limo), then drive back to the mansion. Wait, not straight! The drive home can be broken into 5 or 6 chapters, they can angst, Walter can wonder about how maternal feelings he has for the baby, Girlycard can have some too, so, after they eventually manage to find the way back home, Arthur awaits them at the door. OMG! A CLIFFY! Or wait, he can appear only later, for the sake of more angst and descriptions. So, Arthur's there, but what will they say? Wondering, angst, OMG! A CLIFFY!
Then, angsting etc., they say they found the baby (hard to believe, but logical thing nr. 3.: will Arthur believe that his male 14 year-old servant just gave birth to a baby from a vampire?), Arthur believes it (some more angst and wondering, 2 or 3 chapters), and, since at the beginning (remember?) he angsted about not having a heir, decides to take her, raise her and name her Integral. Girlycard and Walter angst about the loss of their daughter, then she grows up and becomes Sir Integral "Integra" Wingates Fairbrook Hellsing.
And you have written a wonderful fanfiction! (And the readers will need a paper bag.)