The Tub of Almond Gelato –An Edgar Allen Poe parody
The thousand injuries of Mario I had borne as best I could; but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that I gave utterance to threat. At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitively settled. Also, I must not only punish, but punish with impunity. A wrong is unrectified when retribution overtakes its rectifier. It is equally unrectified when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.
It must be understood, that neither by word nor deed had I given Mario cause to doubt my good-will, I continued, as was my wont, to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my smile now was at the thought of his immolation.
He had a weak point—this Mario—although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in ice cream. Few Italians have the true gourmand spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity. In the finer arts and things Mario, like his countrymen, was a quack—but in the matter of expensive ice cream he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially: I was skillful in the Italian indulgences myself, and bought largely whenever I could.
It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the carnival season, that I encountered my friend. He accosted me with excessive warmth, for he had been drinking much. Mario wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting party striped pair of overalls, and his head, usually covered by his monogrammed hat, was instead surmounted by a conical cap with bells. I was so pleased to see him, that I thought I should never have done wringing his hand.
I said to him: "My dear cousin Mario, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking to-day! But I have received a tub of what passes for Almond Gelato, and I have my doubts."
"How?" said he. "Almond Gelato? A tub? Impossible! And in the middle of a carnival!"
"I have my doubts," I replied; "and I was silly enough to pay the full Almond Gelato price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing the bargain."
"Almond Gelato!"
"I have my doubts."
"Almond Gelato!"
"And I must satisfy them."
"Almond Gelato!"
"As you are engaged, I am on my way to Luigi. If any one has a taste for quality, it is he. He will tell me—"
"Luigi cannot tell Almond Gelato from Sherbet."
"And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own."
"Come, let us go."
"Whither?"
"To your walk-in freezer."
"My friend, no. I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement. Luigi—"
"I have no engagement;-come"
"My friend, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe cold with which I perceive you are afflicted. The walk-in freezer is insufferably frigid. It is filled with ice and frost."
"Let us go, nevertheless. The cold is merely nothing. Almond Gelato! You have been imposed upon. And as for Luigi, he cannot distinguish Sherbet from Almond Gelato."
Thus speaking, Mario possessed himself of my arm. Putting on a mask of purple spandex, and drawing a purple cape closely about my person, I suffered him to hurry me to my palazzo.
There were no monkey butlers at home; they had absconded to make merry in the honor of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning, and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned. What else can be expected from filthy monkeys?
I took from their sconces two torches, and giving one to Mario, bowed him through several suites of rooms to the archway that led to an upright pipe. I made my way down it, he following closely behind. We came at length to the foot of the descent, and stood together on the snowy ground of the walk-in freezer of the Wario family.
The gait of my friend was unsteady, and the bells upon his cap jingled as he strode.
"The tub?" said he.
"It is farther on," said I; "but observe the white web work which gleams from these walls."
He turned toward me, and looked into my eyes with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.
"Hoarfrost?" he asked, at length.
"Hoarfrost," I replied. "How long have you had that cough?"
"Hack, hack ugh! Ugh! Hack-wheeze! Cough gasp wheeze!"
My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.
"It is nothing," he said, at last.
"Come," I said, with decision, "we will go back; your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back; you will be ill, and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Luigi—"
"Enough," he said; "I have lived through many a castle and dungeon filled with more dangerous things than hoarfrost. I have lived through LAVA! The cough is a mere nothing; it will not kill me. Bowser could not kill me. I shall not die of a cough."
"True—true," I replied; "and, indeed, I had not intention of alarming you unnecessarily; but you should use all proper caution. A bite of this frozen yogurt will defend us from the damps."
Here I knocked off the lid of a bowl which I drew from a long row of its fellows that lay upon the snowy ground.
"Eat," I said, presenting him with the frozen yogurt.
He raised it to his lips with a leer, his mustache shining softly in the dim light. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled.
"I eat," he said, "to the dairy desserts that repose around us."
"And I to your long life."
He again took my arm, and we proceeded.
The light sparkled in his eyes and the bells jingled. My own fancy grew warm with the frozen yogurt. We had passed through walls of piled bones, with empty shells of Koopas laying about, into the inmost recesses of the freezer. I paused again, and this time I made a bold to seize Mario by an arm above the elbow.
"The hoarfrost!" I said "see, it increases. It coats that monkey butler's carcass like moss upon stone. I always wondered what became of him. Come, we will go back ere it is too late. Your cough—"
"It is nothing," he scoffed; "let us go on. But first, another bite of the frozen yogurt."
We were out. I left him for a moment and reached him a tub of Moose Tracks. He emptied it at a breath. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed and threw the tub upward so that it hit the ceiling.
I again offered him my arm and he leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Almond Gelato. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and descending again, arrived at a deep cellar, in which the chill of the air caused our torches rather to glow than flame.
At the most remote end of the cellar there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with Koopa remains, piled to the vault overhead. Three sides of this interior room were still ornamented in this matter. From the fourth the bones had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the bones, we perceived a still interior recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height six or seven, It seemed to have been constructed for no especial use with itself, but formed merely the interval between two of the colossal supports of the roof of the vault, and was backed by one of their circumscribing walls of solid granite.
It was in vain that Mario, uplifting his dull torch, endeavored to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.
"Proceed, " I said; "herein is the Almond Gelato. As for Luigi—"
"He is an ignoramus," interrupted my friend, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key I stepped back from the recess.
"Pass your hand," I said, "over the wall; you cannot help feeling the hoarfrost. Indeed it is very cold. Once more let me implore you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power."
"The Almond Gelato!" ejaculated my friend, not yet recovered from his astonishment.
"True," I replied, "The Almond Gelato."
As I said these words I busied myself among the pile of bones of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of Question mark boxes and mortar. With these materials and with the aid of my trowel, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche.
I had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when I discovered that the intoxication of Mario had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess, It was not the cry of a drunken man. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labors and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the towel, and finished without interruption the fifth, and sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my chest—make no mistake however, the level of my chest is low. I again paused, and holding the torch over the mason-work, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within.
A succession of loud and shrill screams, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated—I trembled. Bringing up my fist, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid Question mark boxes in front of me, and felt satisfied. No one, not even my cousin Mario, could breach such a wall. I re-approached the wall. I replied to the yells of him who clamored. I re-echoed—I added—I surpassed them in volume and in strength. "WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I did this, and he grew still.
It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eight, and ninth, and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single box to be fitted and plastered in. I struggled with its weight; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon my head. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the noble Mario. The voice said—
"Ha! Ha! HA!-whohoo! He he!-a very good joke indeed—an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo—He! He! Whohoo!-over our ice cream—he! He he!"
"The Almond Gelato!" I said.
"He! He! He!-Whohoo!-yes, the Almond Gelato. But is it not getting late? Will not they be awaiting us at the palazzo, Princess Peach and the rest? Let us be gone."
"Yes," I said, "let us be gone."
"For the love of God, Wario!"
"Yes," I said, "for the love of God!"
But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud;
"Mario!"
No answer. I called again;
"Mario!"
No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a jingling of the bells. My heart grew sick—on account of the coldness of the freezer. I hastened to make an end of my labor. I forced the last box into its position; I plastered it up. Against the new masonry I re-erected the old rampart of bones. For the half of a century no mortal has disturbed them.
The End
Yes, this story is kind of demented, but come on, all of Poe's stories are like that and inserting Wario and Mario totally worked. They're Italian! Also, if you're wondering what the F a monkey butler is, my friends and I believe that Wario has a strong dislike of Diddy Kong and that he has enslaved a bunch of his race to work for him in his sweet castle. So, just imagine Diddy in a suit, without his hat. Funny right?
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