Ok, this is a Duos point of view. It has nothing to do with time-lines and is strictly out of context. It is also something that has been eating at me for a time. Any criticism is allowed as along as it is productive. This is another short story of feelings and thoughts. Yeah I know it involved Duo again, but he is such a good subject. Ohh and none of the boys belong to me, I just play with their emotions. This is about cutting, if its not to your liking then don't read.
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One day at a time.
Its not easy trying to explain to someone who doesn't know, why you do something's, especially if you've done them for a length of time and they've become second nature to you.
He sat across from me, waiting and watching while I hid my face from view with my hair and absentmindedly played with my fingernails below the table. See, I was trying to put things together in my head and finding the right words to say them.
"Well?" he asked, leaning forward a little. "How about starting with the first time, you do remember the first time, don't you?"
I grimaced before looking up at him. His face was blank, but I sensed his patience. I think he really wanted to understand. Taking a deep breath I let it out slowly while trying to think back to my first time and how it all started.
"Yeah, I remember the first time" I said with a sigh. "I'd not long lost my best friend and most of the gang to the plague. All I wanted to do was be with them. I didn't want to feel this emptiness inside me any more. It was like a gaping hole that was threatening to consume me from the inside out. I'd tried to get along without them, really I had" I looked up at him, hoping he'd understand, he smiled at me. "Nights where the worst. I'd wake from a bad dream but there would be no one to offer comfort or understand how I was feeling because they'd been through it as well."
Pushing the chair back slightly, I pulled my knees up to my chest and held on to them tightly, mainly for support.
"I remember the knife he'd given me, one that was his pride and joy. It seemed fitting some how that I use it to follow them. I'd gotten everything ready. Even managed to have a decent meal before hand" I chuckled to myself. Glancing up I saw he was nodding his head. "Don't believe it when people say it's the cowards way out, cos it ain't. I must've sat there for what seemed like hours, the knife point poised over my wrist. I kept telling myself that it was o.k. and that in the end I'd be there with the others. One slice of the knife across each wrist and it'll all be over, right?" I paused again, this time to look out the window behind him. The curtains where open and I could see light fluffy clouds creeping across the pink sky. Dawn was breaking and a new day was beginning.
"I eventually worked up enough will power to pull the knife across my left wrist. It was a strange feeling, if I felt anything at all. The best I could describe it was as a cold, stinging that tingled afterwards." Absently, my fingers traced one of the many scars. "It never bled. I think I was surprised at that. I mean, I thought I'd done it right. Straight across the wrist. All I got was a thin red line" I heard him snort as if saying "Duh"
"I felt angry then, mainly because I couldn't even get that right. So I did it again, only this time harder. It bloody well hurt, I can tell you, but at least it'd bled. I did the same to the other wrist and sat there waiting. Yeah, I know how dumb I was and eventually I knew I'd done it wrong but it felt good. I felt whole again, calm and at peace. Only problem was it didn't bleed for long. So I gave up, washed my arms and hands clean and settled down to sleep. That was my first time"
Looking up at him, I saw he was nodding his head as if he knew what I was getting across to him. I buried my head in my raised knees. Thinking back had given my an insight in to how desperate I'd been to want to be with those that had loved me. I can well imagine how some people would smirk and say that it was just a child's imagination and all but with the gang, I'd been someone and that had been taken away from me. I guess you could say that in reality I'd wanted to punish myself for being the only one to survive and in a way you'd be right.
"When I woke up, it was like I'd been given another chance to try and make something of myself. I don't know why I felt like that but I did. As the days wore on it was as if the blade was calling to me. I kept it on me all the time, well you never know when you'd need it as a form of defence. Sometimes the voice would whisper to me, telling me how good I'd felt after that first time and that if I'd done it again I could feel better, more alive like." I ran a shaking hand through my hair "I can tell you, it took a lot to push that voice away most days. Sometimes when I was really down or I'd not had a good day, it felt like it was the only thing that meant something. It wasn't till later that I realised that it was like an addiction. Some people got a feeling of being from drugs or sex, I got mine from cutting. Most times I'd be too busy trying to survive or to knackered to move. The voice was always quiet then."
Placing my hands on the table I felt his eyes on me, so I looked up at him. I watched as his hand moved across the table towards me. Instinctively I pulled away, my eyes going from his face to his hands and back again.
"Like most addictions, we have to find a cure and take each day as it comes" he said, his hands still halfway across the table. "But you have to meet me half way Duo, if you want my help."
My eyes were glued to his face. My feet dropped to the floor. I tried to look away but was caught like a fly in a web. I found my hands moving across the table to meet his. When I looked up at him he was smiling at me.
"I don't know if I can stop. Its been a part of me for so long." I know it sounded like I was whining but I didn't know if I wanted to leave that part of me behind.
"One day at a time." he said "I want you to know that I'll be here for you when ever you need me."
I don't know what I felt really. I know that I was pleased that he didn't condone me for what I'd done. Hell, that would be like the pot calling the kettle black. He'd done a few things that he wasn't happy about. I wanted to believe that he would be here for me, that when the voices called out, he'd be there to quieten them or push them away. Looking at him sat across from me I sensed that he would be, if only I gave him the chance. Maybe one day at a time would be best, I know I'd not be able to resist every time. Maybe, just maybe the voices would stay quiet long enough for me to stand on my own two feet but only if he'd be there for me, with me. Yeah, one day at a time. I could deal with that. I squeezed his hands in mine, smiling even though I felt like crying.
"You're a good friend Quatre." I said leaning across the table and pulling him into a hug.
"As long as you remember that Duo" was his reply as he hugged me back.