Guilt, Pain, Love and Anger
12th December 2018
The air was exploding with fireworks as two people made their way down their friends footpath and out onto the street.
"Its about time we left!" The purple-haired man from the duo muttered. Laughing, the blue-haired woman smacked him lightly on the arm.
"Lighten up Paul! You have to admit it was fun!" she chirped. Paul rolled his eyes before looking back at the house behind him, only to see his cousin Drew and his wife, May, waving from the window.
"Heh Dawn, we have stalkers." He chuckled. Dawn raised an eyebrow and looked behind her, smiling even harder as Ash, Misty, Leaf and Gary crashed into the window to wave with the other two. She giggled and sent them a wave before turning back around.
"Come on dork! Lets go!" she cried, racing away further down the footpath until she hit the sidewalk. Paul groaned but took chase, sprinting after her.
"Can't catch me!" she laughed, wiggling her ass at him before sprinting towards the car on the opposite side of the road. Paul rolled his eyes but put on a burst of speed, dragging a giggling Dawn into his clutches halfway across the road.
"Got'cha" Paul smirked. Dawn laughed and wriggled around in his arms, kissing his nose and winking at her ogling friends in the process.
"And what do you plan on doing with your prisoner?" she purred seductively. Paul rolled his eyes again.
"Well… I thought-" he was cut off as the sound of a screeching car mixed with thumping music and loud yelling echoed in the night as car lights shone on the couple.
"OFF THE ROAD!" Paul yelled, attempting to pull them both away.
But it was too late.
"PAUL!"
The sound of screeching tires and Dawns scream pierced the night air, just as Paul felt something warm slam into him, making all breath escape his lungs.
The last thing he saw was Dawns horrified, scared face and he lips twist into the words 'I love you' before blackness took over.
20th December 2018
My heart beat firmly in my chest as I made my way around all the headstones in Veilstone cemetery, searching for the only one that truly mattered. After a while of looking, I finally found the fresh grave. For something so sad and upsetting, it was so brightly coloured with flowers. I sighed and walked over, one of my hands shoved in my pocket while the other was wrapped tight around a bunch of plumerias.
"Hey." I whispered, smirking slightly at the peachy pink headstone. I felt a small breeze rustle my clothes and I shuddered. Of course it was cold, winter was here and snow was due any time. I shook my head.
"I see everyone's left flowers for you." I mumbled, looking down at the other flowers. Daffodils from Barry, Pink roses from May and Drew, White lilies from Misty and Ash, Lavenders from Brock, Red cornflowers from Reggie, Forget-Me-Nots from Gary and Leaf, Green hydrangeas from Max and some yellow daisies from Kenny and Zoey. Bending down, I added my bunch of purple, blue and white plumerias to the mix.
"I know they're your favourite so…" I trailed off. God, what do you say to a dead person?
"Look… I miss you. You have no idea how much." I gazed down at the grave. "But I just can't admit that you're… gone"
I took a deep breath before turning around and beginning to walk away, but not before I took one last look over my shoulder at the grave.
Dawn Johanna Berlitz-Lopez
28th June –
Aged 27
No Need to Worry!
25th December 2018
"Merry Christmas Troublesome." I muttered as I knelt to put the ring of poinsettia on her grave. This time I decided to stay on my knees, ignoring the cold snow as it seeped through my pants. I managed to give her a small smile.
"I still miss you, especially today." A small sad chuckle escaped my lips. "First Christmas in five years I haven't woken up to you screaming in excitement.
"Its also the first Christmas that I had to go to the Christmas Party without you. It was at Reggie's this year." I smirked at the thought of our 'family get together' that we had at Christmas every year.
"Johanna wasn't really into it this year though, she let Delia and Reg do most of the cooking, and you know your mother." I sighed. "Of course you do... you lived wit her for sixteen years all up."
I fell silent after my stupid comment, choosing instead to close my eyes and remember our first Christmas.
"I don't think I've ever had as big of a fright as the one you gave me when we woke up." I mumbled. "You could've scared Arceus with that scream.
"I wanted to give you a lecture but… seeing you so happy… I hate to admit it but it made me smile." I nibbled on my bottom lip as I remembered her. Blue hair in a mess, hot pink pajamas tangled up in all the sheets, bright blue sparkling eyes and that amazing smile.
"We had… a good time I guess. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more excited. And I've seen Ketchum at an all you can eat buffet," I rolled my eyes and chuckled, expecting to hear her laugh join mine.
I was met with mournful silence.
Sighing, I got to my feet. I couldn't take this, the pang of loneliness, hurt, guilt and pain. I… I just felt weak.
"I can't believe you can do this to me!" I mumbled. "I mean here I am, Paul Lopez, the most cold-blooded unemotional bastard alive… feeling lonely."
I raised my eyes to look at the beautiful headstone, only to frown when I saw snow falling.
"I've been lonely my whole life!" I cried, anger thundering through me. "And I've been fine! Then you come along and…"
I trailed off, feeling tears prick at my eyes. Furiously I brushed them away, not that it helped.
"You come along and make me care, make me love." I shook my head, snow flying. "You made me love you…"
I shuddered, tears running down my face as the cold tore through me.
"I-I love you Troublesome." I stuttered, finding it hard to say those words. "So much…"
Slowly I turned around and walked back over the graves and through the sad black iron gates.
"Merry bloody Christmas…"
5th January 2019
"Hey."
A brittle breeze ripping through the trees replied.
"I-I'm sorry."
There was silence.
"I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you."
More silence.
"I'm sorry Dawn."
The creak of the gate was the only sound as once again walked away from her.
28th January 2019
The crunch of my boots on the frosted grass was the only sound I heard as I approached her grave. It was intimidating, walking over to your dead wife.
"Wanna know what's hard?" I instantly started, dropping the bunch of bluebells on the ground, their colour standing out against the white. This time I didn't sit or kneel; I stood rigid with my hands deep in my pockets.
"It's hard waking up Dawn. It's hard waking up to this… this life without you. I turn over and expect you to be there. I expect you to be in my arms. Expect you to be smiling as you wake me up with a morning kiss."
I shivered as the breeze found the gaps in my coat and attacked my skin. I glanced around at the cold, dead place.
"I don't want to be here Dawn." I mumbled. "I don't want you to be here. I don't want you to be dead! I don't want…"
I trailed off, my heart pounding as something – warm? – Wrapped around me… like an embrace.
"D-Dawn…?" I stumbled, my eyes wide. Another breeze rustled the trees nearby. My heart skipped a beat.
Could the breeze be her? Was it her trying to communicate with me?
I shook my head. I was being an idiot. But what if…
"I didn't say it last time I was here but… Happy New Years Dawn." I whispered, waiting to see what would happen. Once again the trees rustled.
"You're here aren't you?" Another rustle. "I-I…"
Again I trailed off before my lips tugged up into a light smile.
"Do you miss me?" I asked. A heavy breeze flew through the graveyard, making everything fly around me.
I opened my mouth to speak again before frowning. What the hell was I doing? Dawn was dead! Gone for good! Why would she be talking to me? In fact, why was I even here?
"I'm going insane." I muttered. I looked down at her grave, that hint of doubt tugging at my mind before I shook my head.
Totally insane.
Turning around I walked away from her, ignoring the raging wind.
Because that's all it was.
Wind.
15th February 2019
"Its me again." I murmured, crouching down and placing a bunch of cheery blossoms softly on the grave. I shuddered as the wind blew through my shirt, the cold biting into my flesh.
"Only a few more days until spring." I spoke, my lips unwillingly pulling apart as the cold rushed down my throat.
I was still this time, not knowing what to say. Slowly, I straightened up and slipped my hands into my pockets.
"I could tell you how we met, our first date, our first fight, our first kiss, our wedding, the honeymoon…" I trailed off, smiling slightly at the memories. "But… I guess you already know what happened right?
"I sometimes wonder, do you even remember me? Do you even…"
I fell short with words again, choosing instead to just stare at her name.
Dawn
That name will haunt me forever.
A car honking its horn invaded my thoughts. Quickly, I turned my head to see a familiar car parked a little way away with a familiar person waving. I nibbled on my bottom lip before looking down at the grave.
"Reggie's waiting." I started, getting surprised as a feeling of guilt ran through me. I shook it off though, what's to be guilty about?
"I…" once again, I fell short on what to say. Instead I just turned around and walked away.
Actions speak louder than words.
Right?
22nd March 2019
"I remember you once asking me what I liked about you." I said as I approached her grave. "What I loved the most. I-I don't believe I answered you. Ketchum came for a visit and we got distracted."
I turned my head to look up at the clouds, a small sad smile on my face. "But you told me what you loved. It's about time I returned the favour.
"I know that I always said that I hated your annoying bubbly moments when you didn't know when to shut up, but I really loved them. I loved that beautiful smile that was always present; I loved your eyes that always lit up when something cute or fuzzy was nearby. Your sweet compassion towards everything.
"I think your confidence was the best. Its what attracted me to you in the first place." Me eyes flickered down to look at the grave, biting back what felt like tears. Me? Cry?
"Your ability to get up when life knocked you down, your emotional attitude toward co-coordinating." I nibbled on my bottom lip. This was stupid.
"You were perfect Dawn. My polar opposite, but as Drew put it, you were the ying and I was the yang. We fit together perfectly.
"Goddam it Dawn! Why did you have to push me out of the way?" I cried, my heart thumping and tears welling. "I would have taken the hit for you! As long as you had lived, or if there had been no other way I would have taken the hit with you."
My glare could have almost cracked the stone, pain was shooting through me.
"I… I wish you hadn't gone. I wish you could still be here. Even if its to scold me for calling one of your friends pathetic.
"I want to hear your voice, your laugh even your cry! Something to remind me that you were real!" A small choke of a sob ripped from my throat. "Anything…"
I fell silent, listening to the wind rustle the trees, waiting for something to happen.
But nothing did.
I took a deep breath before turning around.
"I should know better. You're dead. Gone. Forever."
28th June 2019
"Happy birthday." I mumbled as I stumbled towards her grave, a bunch of plumerias in my hand. They were her favourite after all.
"Today would have been our sixth birthday together." I continued, my hand tightening around the bunch. "I remember your excitement when you found out our birthdays were on the same day."
I swallowed the lump in my throat before kneeling down and placing the plumerias on the grave.
"I see the others have been here already." I started, running my fingers over the other flowers piled on her grave, their perfume invading my nose and senses.
"I'm… I'm sorry for not visiting you for the past few months." I bit my lip as I dropped my head, allowing my hair to drape over my eyes. "Then again, I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for the boys. They convinced me to come back from our journey for your birthday. Well our birthday."
I sighed, thinking of the past three months where Drew, Gary, Ash and I had been in the Orange Islands challenging all the gym leaders.
"I've won every battle." I said, my hands finding their way into my pockets. "I know you'd be proud."
I rose to my feet, glancing around at the graveyard. It was bright, not as gloomy as I remembered. Then again last time I'd been here winter had just finished. It was now the start of summer.
"I remember you telling me your opinion about the seasons. How your favourite was spring because it seemed to symbolize the start of something new…" I fell silent, thinking about it.
"Ironically that's when we first met." I mumbled, staring at her name with a small smile tugging on my lips but not fully forming.
"I wish I could give you what you had wanted Dawn…" Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes in an effort to stop the annoying emotions from taking over. "A…a….
"A family." I forced out, instantly biting my lip. I opened my eyes and glanced around. Shaking my head I refocused on her name. "I remember you even drawing a picture of us with kids…" Slowly I reached into my pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.
"Blue haired with my black eyes or purple haired with your blue eyes." I sighed at the thought. "You had no preference on which gender had which. You just wanted a boy and girl. Pigeon pair."
My lips mashed together as I ran a hand over the picture. A true family. Mother, father, son and daughter. My fist tightened crinkling the paper even more.
"But it's never going to happen." I whispered, shoving it back in my pocket. I took a deep breath and glanced again at her name.
"Happy 28th Dawn." I mumbled one last time before turning around.
Happy Birthday Paul
I froze. Did I… did I just hear that? Quickly I flung around, trying to see if I could see anything.
Rows of headstones and trees were all that meet me.
I rolled my eyes. I was pathetic.
"Stop torturing me…" I whispered, not really knowing who I was talking too. Quietly, I took one last look around before walking away.
30th July 2019
"I just saw your mother." I said as I rose from where I'd placed the bunch of blue roses lightly on top of the grave.
"She's not doing to well."
My hands tightened into fists and I shoved them into my pockets,
"She misses you a lot. Says she talks to you everyday." I chuckled. "Also said I should too."
I mentally groaned. Maybe for once I should step away from the depressing stuff?
"I'm thinking about challenging Cynthia." I started again. "That's mainly why I was in the Orange Islands… to train up my pokemon.
"She asked about you, Cynthia did. Also asked how I was handling your-" I struggled with the word. Passing? Disappearance? I couldn't even think the D word let alone say it. "-Accident." I decided on.
I don't think she believed me when I said I was fine…" I suddenly stopped. I was back to depressing matters.
That's when it hit me.
Every time I came here I always left angry, hurt, sad, guilty or upset in some way. Even if I had what could almost be considered good thoughts before coming in, I'd always leave with negative ones.
'Suits my personality' I thought bitterly.
Maybe I shouldn't come here anymore. It wasn't doing either of us very good…
But I guess that's life right? Or death in Dawns case. I looked down at her grave again, that name burning my eyes with guilt, pain and anger. This place held no memories, no… life. Just cold, empty, death and a woman's body that I had once held. I took a deep breath. My heart skipped a beat.
There were no parting words or goodbye that left my lips as I left this time.
Only me, turning my back on a piece of marble and walking through the mournful black gates.
26th August 2019
"Did you know today would have been our sixth anniversary?" I murmured, placing some pink camellias on her grave. "Six years ago you were walking down the aisle."
I sighed. Life really wasn't fair.
"I miss you. I haven't said it in a while but I truly do." I rolled my eyes. God I'm pathetic.
"Apparently my pokemon think I'm insane for continuously coming here. For talking to you.
"They also believe that I might" I chuckled darkly. "That I might kill myself."
I glanced around the graveyard, staring thoughtfully at a red rose bush. It was odd how they reminded me of blood… wouldn't they normally remind people of love?
Maybe suicide wasn't a bad option… who knows! I might even be happy again!
"What am I even thinking?" I laughed sadistically. "It would destroy the others." I had to admit, even though I occasionally couldn't stand them, I still considered them friends.
I groaned. Once again I'd gotten sidetracked from what I'd originally come to do. Shaking my head, I reached into my pocket, fishing for a box.
"Misty gave this to me yesterday." I mumbled, drawing out the small object.
"Its your wedding ring."
I flicked open the box to revel the sparkling piece of metal. It was slightly chipped and one of the four pink diamonds was missing, but it still shined. It still held her memory.
"Four pink diamonds on a silver band." I smirked as I dropped it in my palm. "Your perfect ring."
It was warm, warm and beautiful, just like her. Sighing, my hand tightened around it.
"I don't understand why Drew decided to take it off your finger that night…" I mumbled. "But I'm kind of glad he did. I guess I now have something to remember you by."
I was glad Misty had found it when her and the other two girls had been going through Mays stuff. Seems like Drew had forgotten about it.
"Drew said I should wear it on a necklace… but I don't know. To girly right?"
I shrugged my shoulders and slipped the ring back into its case and into my pocket.
"I best go, I don't think there's that much more to say."
I turned around and began to walk away before lurching to a stop.
"I don't know when I'll next see you… I'm heading back to the Orange Islands with the guys so…"
I trailed off and sighed.
"I'll see you when I see you."
12th December 2019
Sometimes life ends. It happens in strange and odd ways and comes at the worst of times. But it still happens.
I didn't say anything as I approached her grave, those plumerias once again in my hands.
I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I knew this wasn't her fault. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I missed her I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and kiss her into the next century. I wanted to tell her that I think about her everyday, that she haunts my dreams every night.
But I couldn't speak. I could only drop to my knees and add the plumerias to the mountain of other flowers. I could only fight back those pathetic tears as I reached into my pocket once again and drew out her broken wedding ring, a simple silver chain looped through it.
I want to leave it here with her… but I just can't. That ring felt like my last link to her. Slowly, I lifted it to my chest and secured the chain around my neck, shivering slightly as the cold metal touched my skin.
The ring bounced on my chest, making me sigh. Was this really what was going to happen? Was I going to be some old man without a hope in life?
I shook my head and stood up.
While I may regret taking my anger out on her, allowing her to run out on that road and even allowing her to push me out of the way, life goes on. I may sit there and dwell on what could've happened but life will not wait. It's like a bus; if you miss it you're screwed.
My bus was here.
"I'll miss you everyday…" I whispered, my voice hoarse and rough. "But its time to go…"
That ever present agony in my heart increased. Guilt, hurt and anger taking over. A year of this torture had been enough and seeing her… seeing her grave was just making it worse. I needed to move on.
I'd miss her smile. I'd miss her laugh I'd miss those big blue eyes. I'd miss her flowing blue hair. I'd miss her confidence. I'd miss her courage.
I'd miss her.
"I love you." I stated, my breathing speed increasing as tears pricked my eyes. And for once I didn't resist them.
So I let them fall. They dripped down my cheeks and ran occasionally across my lips. Crying was weak but I am human. Humans are weak.
Slowly… ever so slowly, I turned around once again, getting ready to walk away from the peachy pink marble headstone I'd gotten attached to over the past year. To walk through those black gates out into who knows what.
My heart started beating furiously as I realized that exactly a year ago, I was holding Dawn tight in my arms and a car had come out of no where and taken her from me. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat.
Goodbye Dawn.
I'll never forget you.
Because even though the bus arrives and leaves, there's always the spot in the middle filled with memories.
There we have it! For SurferGurl14's contest!
DISCLAIMER! I don't own pokemon and it has been brought to my attention this is like 'Ashes in the Snow' by 'the biggest ikarishipping fan'
Yes, I did get the main idea off of her but I would like to point out that this is my own work and is not copied from hers.
Just getting that out there!
SOOOO! Drop a review and tell me what you think! Sorry if Paul was wayyyy to OOC but I believe you would be if your wife of 5 years died as well.