Cheesecock
Scene 1: Coke in The Kitchen
Rose winsomely strolls into the kitchen whistling "My Knapsack on My Back." She ties on an apron, and sets to work stirring brownie mix.
Rose: Flour, flour. I need flour. Where does Blanche hide that flour, Rosie ga-lowsy?
Rose opens up the freezer door and takes out a brown package sealed with electric tape.
Rose: This oughta be flour. It's white. Hokey dokey doo doo.
Rose vigorously mixes the brownies, measures the mixture out into baking sheets, puts them in the oven, and ambles out of the kitchen into the living room. A porno flick blares out loudly from the TV while Sophia is lying supine on the couch, her feet splayed up in the air.
Sophia: Oh, ow. My back, my back.. It hurts! DOROTHY!
Rose: I'm here Sophia.
Sophia: Just what I need...Glenda the dumb witch to help me. Get the hell out of here and get Dorothy!
Rose: What exactly are you doing?
Sophia: I don't wanna tell you. It's a little...embarrassing, alright?
Rose: Oh, you can tell me anything, Sophia. You know that.
Sophia: Well, I was. I was just. I was just trying to see if I could feel the same way that broad on the TV feels. So, I was...you know...rubbing my own pussycat and I got excited. My legs just shot up like this, and now I think I severed a nerve cause I can't get em down.
Rose: How could rubbing a little old kitty cat make your legs go up in the air like that? That must have been a really funny cat.
Sophia: Rose, I never thought I'd say this, but your brain is probably drier than what's inside my pussycat.
Rose: What?
Sophia: Just help me sit up. I made a little accident.
Rose: Ooooo! Pee pee on the couch. Yucky!
Sophia: If you didn't notice, I also left you a little present. I ate some prunes earlier today, and guess they just plopped out.
Just then, Blanche enters the living room, decked out in a sailor suit, which makes her look like a chicken mixed with a smurf.
Blanche: What stinks? It smells like it does under my bed.
Rose: Oh, it's just Sophia. She's hurt her legs by stroking her cat.
Blanche: What?
Rose: I said she was stroking her cat and all of a sudden her legs flew up in the air and she can't get them down. They're just stuck like that!
Blanche: She was petting a cat?
Rose: Yes!
Sophia: I WAS JACKING OFF, OKAY!
Blanche: Not on my sofa, you won't. I keep that couch for company, and I love to lie on it, if you know what I mean. If anyone did something to that couch, I'd have to kick them out of my house.
Rose: Well, Blanche, Sophia pissed and pooped all over your couch. Are you really mad?
Blanche: Why, I never! I can't believe it! How could you piddle on my couch like some old buzzard, y'old hag?
Sophia: Me? A hag? Look in the mirror, bitch!
Blanche: Well I never. Sophia, that is totally unacceptable!
Sophia: Unacceptable...unacceptable, she says. This is coming from a woman who's had more hot dogs in her than Elizabeth Taylor!
Rose: You sure are mad, Blanche. Maybe we should go into the kitchen, and have a little snack, k?
Blanche: Well, what will that solve?
Sophia: Nothing! Just give you more air in that spare tire.
Blanche: Oh, whatever. I'm gonna have me some cock...I mean cake.
Rose ushers Blanche into the the kitchen, and grabs a cheesecake from the fridge. Blanche gathers the plates and utensils. Suddenly, Dorothy enters the kitchen, garbed in a striped jumper that looks like a pesticide tent.
Dorothy: Girls, I heard Ma screaming in there. How come you both didn't do anything?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, I don't have many rules of the house, but I do have one; no kaka on my couch!
Dorothy: She's an old woman, Blanche! How could you be so inconsiderate?
Blanche: I've just had about enough out of you, Dorothy. Now, I don't think I have to explain why I don't want to touch brown logs and tinkle. That's your job. I'll also be needing some money to replace that couch.
Dorothy: I can't believe this! You know, I thought our friendship was strong enough so that nothing could come between it. Now, I see that it isn't true.
Rose: No, no, no. We're friends, girls. We need to stick together. We're the golden girls.
Blanche: Yeah, and for Sophia, she's an 'ole golden hag.
Rose: Girls, sit down. Hear, have some cheesecake. Oh, and try these brownies I made. I bet they're delicious.
Blanche and Dorothy reluctantly sit down, and each try one of Rose's brownies. Rose smiles dumbly, then sits down to a slice of cheesecake.
Dorothy: Rose, what is in these brownies? My mouth is tingling. It's going numb, and I feel...jumpy.
Blanche: Yeah, my mouth is all numb.
Rose: I just added everything that goes in brownies. I used the flour in the brown package.
Dorothy: What brown paper package!
Rose: The one that was in the freezer, silly! It was right there next to Blanche's glass mushroom. You know, the one she takes to her bedroom, and then makes those groans and screams during the middle of the night?
Blanche: Well, I don't know anything about no brown package.
Dorothy gets up from the table, and goes into the living room. Blanche and Rose follow. Sophia is still lying on the sofa, groaning, her legs still splayed up in the air.
Dorothy: Ma, do you know anything about a brown package. There was flour inside it? Rose used it in the brownies.
Sophia: Oh, that. (Hee). That was no flower, let's just get that out of the way.
Rose: Well, what was it then, Sophia? Both the girls say that they're mouths are numb, and they're feeling jittery.
Sophia: Vincent Cavillani was supposed to pick that up yesterday. I made a deal with some of the Cubans for it, real cheap. I was going to make a bundle. Now what am I gonna do? That coke was worth $60,000 you stupid bird brain, Rose.
Blanche: Coke?
Dorothy: Coke?
Rose: Coke-ee-cola. Oh, I love that drink. I didn't know it comes in a powder now. They are making advances everyday in drinks though. In Saint Olaf, our most famous scientist, Ayhaava Humroid, was developing a special formula for making corn juice into a paste to feed to the cow of the year, Olga. That was so long ago, and-
Sophia: You dumb-ass! Coke! Cocaine! The drug!
Dorothy: Ma, you had drugs in this house?
Blanche: I can't believe it. I'm at a loss for words.
Sophia: Good. That'll be once in a great while when your mouth is shut, for all kinds of things.
Blanche: Dorothy...(Blanche glares seriously). You and your mother get the hell out of my house and never come back again. I don't ever, I said EVA want to see you both back here.
Dorothy: I...let's go, Ma.
Sophia: I can't get up.
Dorothy: Ma can't get up, Blanche. We'll just have to wait till her muscles ease up, then we'll be on our way.
Blanche: Like hell you will!
Blanche goes over to the couch, pulls Sophia by her hair, drags her to the front door, throws her outside, then pushes Dorothy outside, slamming the door behind her.
Blanche: And that's that, I do declare.
Rose: What are they going to do? Where will they live?
Blanche: I don't know, and I don't care.
Rose: How about their stuff? You didn't let them get their stuff.
Blanche: I'm gonna pawn it, dummy!
Blanche titters, then sachets down the hallway to her bedroom.
Scene 2: Biga-Pizza-Pie-A
Dorothy and Sophia are outside of the house. A taxi comes to collect them. Dorothy lifts Sophia into the cab, and sits in the front, since Sophia has to lie down. In the cab:
Dorothy: What are we going to do, Ma? We have no place to go. All of our valuables and possessions are at Blanche's house. Should we call the cops?
Sophia: I don't know, pussycat, but my pussycat is hissing. Take me to the hospital, driver!
The cab drives to the hospital, and Dorothy lifts Sophia out of the backseat.
Cabby: That'll be, $35 dollars, mam.
Dorothy: I forgot all about it. I left my wallet at Blanche's too.
Sophia: What?
Dorothy: I'm sure the driver will understand. (To driver) Now, driver, I don't have any money, because I've seemed to have left my wallet back at where you picked us up, but if you go back there, the nice ladies who live there will pay you your money and include a big tip, too.
Cabby: I want my money.
Sophia: Look, driver. My daughter says she doesn't have the money! What don't you understand about that?
Cabby: I gotta get something.
Dorothy leans over the window of the passenger seat, staring at the cab driver.
Dorothy: What do you have in mind?
Cabby: Get in, and we'll talk about it.
Dorothy gets into he back seat, while Sophia waits on the sidewalk.
Cabby: Now, you're not the prettiest broad, by far, but I, want a blow job.
Dorothy: You disgust me! We're at the hospital, I'm in a desperate situation, and you want me to suck your Wong?
Cabby: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dorothy: Well...let's get it over with, then.
Sophia still waits supine on the sidewalk, her frail legs still pointing straight into the air. Passersby are staring as shouts and moans come from the back of the cab. Sophia has an expression of confusion and surprise on her face. A few minutes later, Dorothy issues from the back seat, wiping the corner of her mouth with her long, manly finger.
Dorothy: Cheesy!
Sophia: Whatever you were doing, I don't wanna know.
Dorothy: Mozzarella, Parmesana, O-Ricotta, Marijuana!
Sophia: I thought you said your mouth was numb.
Dorothy: Precisely the point. Now it's like a biga-pizza-pie-a, too!
Sophia: Wow. Get me to the hospital, you cheap pussycat!
Dorothy gets the attention of an orderly, and he helps Sophia into the hospital, distantly away. Dorothy follows behind, with a cold and caluclating physiognomy.
Dorothy: (To herself) I'm going to get and all my stuff back from that slut Blanche's house, and when I do, I'm going to punch her in the face!
Scene 3: The Night is Short
Dorothy wanders up to the front of Blanche's house. She rings the doorbell, then runs to the back of the house. On the lanai, she sees Blanche and Rose sitting on the sofa, a new one, apparently.
Blanche: I wonder who that was?
Rose: Beats me.
Blanche: Now where were we?
Blanche caresses Rose's piss-yellow afro. She grunts a moan similar to the one Angie Dickinson exclaims in the back of the cab in "Dressed to Kill." Rose chortles in pleasure. Blanche gently massages Rose's tatas in her hands through Rose's wool sweater. Rose grips the edge of the sofa, trying not to fall off the couch. Then, Blanche slowly removes Rose's pants, then her panties.
Rose: Oooooo! I never want to move!
Blanche: Aren't you glad, honey? I was waiting for any excuse to get those two out of the house so we could explore.
Rose: Oh. Kiss me, Blanche. Kiss me tenderly. Not even Miles can kiss me like this!
Blanche: That and much more!
Blanche and Rose keep going at it on the sofa. Blanche then gets up, strips to expose herself in a yellow teddy which accentuates her cottage cheese ass as she dances on the chair beside Rose. Rose's hand falls below. Meanwhile, Dorothy picks up one of the lanai chairs and hurls it through the back window.
Blanche: What the f#$k?
Rose: Oh my stars, it's Dorothy!
Dorothy: Come over here, you skank!
Blanche: Help, help, Rose! Run to my room and call the police.
Rose runs half-naked out of the living room into her bedroom. Dorothy claws at Blanche, then punches her hard in the face. She breaks Blanche's nose. Blanche jumps over the sofa, and throws a lamp at Dorothy. It hits her in the arm, but falls to the floor, unbroken. Then, Dorothy takes a can of pepper spray and sprays Blanche in the eyes. Blanche falls onto the sofa. Dorothy hurries to her bedroom. She gathers her things, quickly, throwing all of her crap into a big suitcase. She goes to Sophia's room and does the same. Just as she is about to leave, Rose issues out of her bedroom with a golf iron.
Rose: Now, Dorothy. You better get out of here right now, because the cops are coming. I don't want to have to use this.
Dorothy: I was just about to leave, you idiot!
Rose: Sure, sure. You were about to leave. Look what you did to Blanche! We were friends once.
Dorothy: Yes, I know. I feel sorry that it had to come to this.
Rose: Me too. Listen, let's just bury the hatchet, and let bygones be bygones. You can leave, pretty quickly before the cops get here. First, can we have one last hug?
Dorothy: Sure, honey! Anything for an old friend.
Dorothy is embraced by Rose. Dorothy quickly changes her facial expression when she feels a finger going underneath her jumper.
Rose: (Whispers into Dorothy's ear) You gotta finish what Blanche started, you know that, right?
Dorothy: (Cackles) Hmmm...
30 minutes later, the police arrive. They break down the door and find Dorothy's face in Rose's netherlands.
Dorothy: I prefer the cheese.
The End