The Quinquennial All-Evil Gathering
Author's note: WARNING: Reading this material could cause fatal damage to your neural system. Before reading you should also ask yourselves these basic questions: What is Quidditch? Who is the Minister for Magic? How many houses does Hogwarts have? Can you answer these questions correctly? No? Then you are a lousy muggle. Don't you dare read my story. It's cursed. (to wizards: standard anti- muggle spell, nothing to worry about) I'd also like to apologize to Mr. Seamus Finnigan for my disability to remember his name.
Chapter I: The Rescue of the 'FatAss' Longbottom
'I sense trouble' echoed an indifferent, slightly dreamy voice trough an empty dark corridor.
'As usually' muttered another voice sarcastically.
'Did you say anything?' asked the dreamy voice.
'Nothing, it's just I can't get used to your permanent danger-seeing visions' replied the second one.
'You're saying this just because you're jealous. It is not my fault that you are not as gifted as I am. I simply See things others don't. It's not my fault that nobody believes me.'
' For heaven's sake, why, with all the fools that walk this world I ended up with this one? You can go straight to the north tower, shake hands with Trelawney and ask her if you can live there with her. If you're lucky, she might adopt you. If we were taking all your warnings seriously, we would have to sleep with wands in our hands.'
' You know what Moody says,' replied the dreamy voice: 'Constant vigilance!'.
' Funny to hear that from you, Mr. "guess what, I went for a bit of jogging today and fell asleep" said the second voice even more sarcastically.
'I never sleep,' said the dreamy voice, ' I'm just pretending I'm asleep. To confuse my enemies. Airplanes never sleep.'
'Yeah that's why we always have problems to wake you.'
'Anyway, he wanders around declaring he's an airplane and yet he wants people to believe his silly predictions.'
'You can't wake me because I'm just pretending to be asleep. I'm a good actor, I thought you already knew that, Sinus.'
'MY NAME IS SEAMUS!'
"Seamus! Seamus! Seamus!" echoed trough the empty space.
'Well done Sajuz, if there are some Death-Eaters nearby, they already know we are here.
They even know your name now.'
'Well, then at least somebody does' muttered Sirius - I mean Seaumus.
'Ouch. You stood on my foot.'
'Because you forbid me to light my wand.'
'Light would reveal our presence'
'That would be a real tragedy now you've made me shout.'
'Good point,' said the dreamy voice, 'Lumos!' A tiny beam of light cut the darkness.
'Expelliarmus' a jet of red light flew across the corridor.
The boy who had called himself an airplane was lifted from the ground and thrown few meters back. His wand flew out of his hand and the light went out.
'Might have sensed this' muttered the airplane. 'I can't concentrate with you disturbing me all the time, Simon'
'I'm Seamus!' yelled Siux, sorry, Seamus, as another jet of red light knocked him off his feet.
'Shut up you two!' said an unpleasant slimy voice. 'Crabbe, I could use some light'
'Yeah me too' groaned another voice. 'I keep tripping over my feet. What do you reckon Draco?'
'Then go and get some, you idiot!'
'Ahaaa. But .. how?'
'Damned fool, use your brain!'
'My what?'
'I swear I'll eat my wand if this git passes a single OWL' said Sairus. Damn it, I mean Seamons or what the hell he is.
'I'd shut your mouth if I were you, Finnigan, ' said the nasty voice. 'Crabbe, if I see no light in ten seconds, I'm going to set YOU on fire!'
'Not scared of dark, are we, Draxo?' asked the airplane.
'I'm Draco! Crabbe, light! Now!'
'Spyxo, no, spyro-lumos-flamares.' Crabbe tried to grunt the spell. A jet of fire shooted from the tip of his wand, setting the carpet and Crabbe's own robes on fire. Draco began clowning around in panic, shouting 'Aaaargh! I'm burning! Aaaargh! Mum! Dad! Help me!' despite the obvious absence of fire on his robes.
The one with burning robes was Crabbe, but he just stood there, gazing stupidly at the flames. Draco began rolling on floor to extinguish the imaginary fire, and managed to snap his wand. Airplane and Solarus got to their feet and grabbed their wands again.
'Petrificus Totalus!' shouted Airplane. Draco became motionless at once.
'Now I guess you don't know any spell to put out fire?' asked Simpson.
'Let him burn, it's no shame. We might as well get the Order of Merlin if he burns to ashes.
'O.K.'
'So, Draco, we know you've kidnapped Neville. Tell us where he is now or we'll have squeeze it out of you!'
'Damn, Saurus, you've scared his wits out of him,' muttered Airplane sarcastically. 'SEAMUS!'
'Where?' asked Airplane, looking around, puzzled.
'Doesn't seem too keen to speak does he?' said Servilus.
'Well, if you ask me, I'd say it's because he's petrified and can't open his mouth.' said Plane, trying to conceal giggles.
'We'd better search him, maybe he has something useful.'
Airplane searched Malfoy's pockets and found only a single envelope made of dark green parchment. He came closer to the light of burning Crabbe to examine the envelope. Crabbe was shaking slightly because of the pain, but was still just standing and gazing, despite his burning robes.
'Stand still,' said Airplane, 'I can't read.'
'Sorry.' said Crabbe and stopped shaking.
'There's no text,' said Plane, 'just Voldie's Dark Mark. A skull with a serpent. Dumbledore definitely ought to see this.'
'Unjinx him, so we can question him' said Sardellus.
Airplane performed the antijinx and Draco jumped to his feet, but at that moment he shouted 'Locomotor Mortis!', Draco's legs were sticked together and he fell again.
'So,' said Scarabus, 'where is Mervil Longbottom? -shit I mean Neville Longbottom, Airplane, you have infected me!'
'Go and find him yourselves you prats!' shouted Draco.
'Oh look how brave he is now he's got rid of all the fire' sniggered Airplane.
'Hey Crabbe', he said in a false sweet voice, 'why are you standing there so alone? Come here and share some fire with your mate.'
'NO!' shrieked Malfoy. 'I'll tell you everything'.
'Now we are getting somewhere' said Plane grinning. 'So where is Netille?'
'Neville!' shrieked Subtilus.
'He's just behind that locked door at the end of this corridor with that girl.' said Draco.
'What girl?'
'Loony Lovegood. She wanted to come with the FatAss Longbottom, so we kidnapped her too. Crabbe has their wands. Well, maybe they've burned already.
Senillus carefully removed two wands from Crabbe's pocket and they set off for the end of the corridor.
'Wait!' shouted Draco.
'What about me? You can't leave me here with him!' he pointed at still burning Crabbe, 'He's going to realize he's burning in a moment and he'll start running around like mad, what if he ignites me?'
'Right you are,' said Airplane and transfigured Malfoy into a glass of water.
'See? No one's going to set fire to you now.'
When Superbus and Airplane reached the locked door, they heared muffled voices.
'What if they're out of oxygen?' asked Satanus, looking scared.
'Alohomora!' he cried, and as the door sprang open, they found Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood, in tight hug, kissing.
End of Chapter I
Story by Green Airplane
Author's note: WARNING: Reading this material could cause fatal damage to your neural system. Before reading you should also ask yourselves these basic questions: What is Quidditch? Who is the Minister for Magic? How many houses does Hogwarts have? Can you answer these questions correctly? No? Then you are a lousy muggle. Don't you dare read my story. It's cursed. (to wizards: standard anti- muggle spell, nothing to worry about) I'd also like to apologize to Mr. Seamus Finnigan for my disability to remember his name.
Chapter I: The Rescue of the 'FatAss' Longbottom
'I sense trouble' echoed an indifferent, slightly dreamy voice trough an empty dark corridor.
'As usually' muttered another voice sarcastically.
'Did you say anything?' asked the dreamy voice.
'Nothing, it's just I can't get used to your permanent danger-seeing visions' replied the second one.
'You're saying this just because you're jealous. It is not my fault that you are not as gifted as I am. I simply See things others don't. It's not my fault that nobody believes me.'
' For heaven's sake, why, with all the fools that walk this world I ended up with this one? You can go straight to the north tower, shake hands with Trelawney and ask her if you can live there with her. If you're lucky, she might adopt you. If we were taking all your warnings seriously, we would have to sleep with wands in our hands.'
' You know what Moody says,' replied the dreamy voice: 'Constant vigilance!'.
' Funny to hear that from you, Mr. "guess what, I went for a bit of jogging today and fell asleep" said the second voice even more sarcastically.
'I never sleep,' said the dreamy voice, ' I'm just pretending I'm asleep. To confuse my enemies. Airplanes never sleep.'
'Yeah that's why we always have problems to wake you.'
'Anyway, he wanders around declaring he's an airplane and yet he wants people to believe his silly predictions.'
'You can't wake me because I'm just pretending to be asleep. I'm a good actor, I thought you already knew that, Sinus.'
'MY NAME IS SEAMUS!'
"Seamus! Seamus! Seamus!" echoed trough the empty space.
'Well done Sajuz, if there are some Death-Eaters nearby, they already know we are here.
They even know your name now.'
'Well, then at least somebody does' muttered Sirius - I mean Seaumus.
'Ouch. You stood on my foot.'
'Because you forbid me to light my wand.'
'Light would reveal our presence'
'That would be a real tragedy now you've made me shout.'
'Good point,' said the dreamy voice, 'Lumos!' A tiny beam of light cut the darkness.
'Expelliarmus' a jet of red light flew across the corridor.
The boy who had called himself an airplane was lifted from the ground and thrown few meters back. His wand flew out of his hand and the light went out.
'Might have sensed this' muttered the airplane. 'I can't concentrate with you disturbing me all the time, Simon'
'I'm Seamus!' yelled Siux, sorry, Seamus, as another jet of red light knocked him off his feet.
'Shut up you two!' said an unpleasant slimy voice. 'Crabbe, I could use some light'
'Yeah me too' groaned another voice. 'I keep tripping over my feet. What do you reckon Draco?'
'Then go and get some, you idiot!'
'Ahaaa. But .. how?'
'Damned fool, use your brain!'
'My what?'
'I swear I'll eat my wand if this git passes a single OWL' said Sairus. Damn it, I mean Seamons or what the hell he is.
'I'd shut your mouth if I were you, Finnigan, ' said the nasty voice. 'Crabbe, if I see no light in ten seconds, I'm going to set YOU on fire!'
'Not scared of dark, are we, Draxo?' asked the airplane.
'I'm Draco! Crabbe, light! Now!'
'Spyxo, no, spyro-lumos-flamares.' Crabbe tried to grunt the spell. A jet of fire shooted from the tip of his wand, setting the carpet and Crabbe's own robes on fire. Draco began clowning around in panic, shouting 'Aaaargh! I'm burning! Aaaargh! Mum! Dad! Help me!' despite the obvious absence of fire on his robes.
The one with burning robes was Crabbe, but he just stood there, gazing stupidly at the flames. Draco began rolling on floor to extinguish the imaginary fire, and managed to snap his wand. Airplane and Solarus got to their feet and grabbed their wands again.
'Petrificus Totalus!' shouted Airplane. Draco became motionless at once.
'Now I guess you don't know any spell to put out fire?' asked Simpson.
'Let him burn, it's no shame. We might as well get the Order of Merlin if he burns to ashes.
'O.K.'
'So, Draco, we know you've kidnapped Neville. Tell us where he is now or we'll have squeeze it out of you!'
'Damn, Saurus, you've scared his wits out of him,' muttered Airplane sarcastically. 'SEAMUS!'
'Where?' asked Airplane, looking around, puzzled.
'Doesn't seem too keen to speak does he?' said Servilus.
'Well, if you ask me, I'd say it's because he's petrified and can't open his mouth.' said Plane, trying to conceal giggles.
'We'd better search him, maybe he has something useful.'
Airplane searched Malfoy's pockets and found only a single envelope made of dark green parchment. He came closer to the light of burning Crabbe to examine the envelope. Crabbe was shaking slightly because of the pain, but was still just standing and gazing, despite his burning robes.
'Stand still,' said Airplane, 'I can't read.'
'Sorry.' said Crabbe and stopped shaking.
'There's no text,' said Plane, 'just Voldie's Dark Mark. A skull with a serpent. Dumbledore definitely ought to see this.'
'Unjinx him, so we can question him' said Sardellus.
Airplane performed the antijinx and Draco jumped to his feet, but at that moment he shouted 'Locomotor Mortis!', Draco's legs were sticked together and he fell again.
'So,' said Scarabus, 'where is Mervil Longbottom? -shit I mean Neville Longbottom, Airplane, you have infected me!'
'Go and find him yourselves you prats!' shouted Draco.
'Oh look how brave he is now he's got rid of all the fire' sniggered Airplane.
'Hey Crabbe', he said in a false sweet voice, 'why are you standing there so alone? Come here and share some fire with your mate.'
'NO!' shrieked Malfoy. 'I'll tell you everything'.
'Now we are getting somewhere' said Plane grinning. 'So where is Netille?'
'Neville!' shrieked Subtilus.
'He's just behind that locked door at the end of this corridor with that girl.' said Draco.
'What girl?'
'Loony Lovegood. She wanted to come with the FatAss Longbottom, so we kidnapped her too. Crabbe has their wands. Well, maybe they've burned already.
Senillus carefully removed two wands from Crabbe's pocket and they set off for the end of the corridor.
'Wait!' shouted Draco.
'What about me? You can't leave me here with him!' he pointed at still burning Crabbe, 'He's going to realize he's burning in a moment and he'll start running around like mad, what if he ignites me?'
'Right you are,' said Airplane and transfigured Malfoy into a glass of water.
'See? No one's going to set fire to you now.'
When Superbus and Airplane reached the locked door, they heared muffled voices.
'What if they're out of oxygen?' asked Satanus, looking scared.
'Alohomora!' he cried, and as the door sprang open, they found Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood, in tight hug, kissing.
End of Chapter I
Story by Green Airplane