Welcome to my new Bleach story, co-written with Kristycyw.
This story contains multiple pairings. Don't like, please don't barf. Don't flame either.
Please review!
Don't own Bleach.
*****
Prologue
Kurotsuchi Mayuri stared at the screen of his laptop. Recently, they had become the latest standard issue in Seireitei. Every division had at least two computers, and he had hooked them all up to a self-made wireless system that connected to the internet of the real world. Now, he was surfing, trying to find ideas for experiments to do.
Kurotsuchi Mayuri was bored.
Scrolling down page 156 on Google search, he clicked a link. When the page had loaded halfway, an obnoxiously pink and sparkly popup appeared, advertising an online dating site.
Suddenly, Mayuri had a brainwave.
"That's it! That's what I'll do!"
Kurotsuchi Nemu looked over his shoulder.
"You're going dating, Mayuri-sama?"
"No! I'll make an online dating site for the shinigami! That way, they'll use the internet more often, which means more money for us! It's the perfect plan!"
Three hours of programming, two hours on Photoshop and another hour on the printer later, Mayuri had waved Nemu off with a stack of flyers advertising his newly-finished online dating site, with the instruction to stick the flyers everywhere.
And Nemu, being Nemu, did as she was told.
Literally.
-----
"Taichouuuuu," whined Matsumoto Rangiku, yanking on the sleeve of her height-deprived captain, Hitsugaya Toushiro.
"For the last time, Matsumoto, you can't have the day off to drink sake."
He looked up in exasperation, and noticed a piece of white fluttering above him.
"Matsumoto. Do you, by any chance, have anything to do with that white thing stuck on the roof of the office?"
She looked at the white thing.
"No. But let's see what it's about, anyway!"
After Hitsugaya and Matsumoto had climbed the roof, they were met with a huge surprise.
The entire roof of the tenth division headquarters had been plastered with pink flyers.
-----
Unohana Retsu, captain of the fourth division, stalked into her headquarters angrily. All day, she had had people pointing at her back and giggling. She found it annoying.
"Isane," she addressed her lieutenant, "is there something on my back?"
Koetsu Isane peered at he captain's back. Indeed, there was a piece of paper on it. Someone had scribbled 'Kick the pansy' on it. It was even signed 'Love, the eleventh division'. She showed it to Unohana.
Unohana scowled. Flipping the paper over, both women saw a disgustingly pink flyer advertising an online dating site for shinigami. Unohana's face lost its scowl immediately, and brightened.
"Isane, you should sign up for this!"
"What?! No way, taichou!"
After being subjected to the patented Unohana Stare fifteen times, Isane gave in.
"Fine, taichou. I'll sign up. But only if you do."
-----
"Aw, taichou! It's so cute! You've gotta sign up!"
"For the last time, Matsumoto, no!"
"Please?"
"Never."
"I'll put the photo of you with that teddy bear into the SWA yearbook if you refuse~"
Hitsugaya smacked his forehead in agony.
"Fine," he ground out.
Matsumoto squealed happily.
-----
"Pachinko."
"Yes?"
"Whaddya do to out punching bag?"
"Nothin', I swear, vice-captain!"
"It's covered in pink paper, Pachinko."
"Well, I was busy playing a prank on the head of the fourth division pansies, so it couldn't have been me."
"Maybe it was Feathers," mused Kusajishi Yachiru, lieutenant of the eleventh division. "Ah well, let's take them off anyway. Pachinko, you help me!"
And so, Madarame Ikkaku, third seat of said division, found himself being dragged by the ear to the training area to de-paper their punching bag.
Yanking off one of the pink flyers, he found that it advertised a dating site. He showed it to Yachiru, whose eyes lit up.
"Cool! Pachinko, you should join."
"Why me?"
Yachiru pouted.
"You don't wanna join? It'll be good for you."
Ikkaku huffed.
"I'll join when Taichou joins."
Yachiru's eyes sparkled.
"Pachinko, for once you came up with a great idea."
She took a deep breath, and screamed for a giant father-figure. A moment later, Zaraki Kenpachi appeared, crashing through the wall of the office. Yachiru shoved the flyer in his face.
"Ken-chan, you join!"
"Why?"
"Because I want you to. And Pachinko too."
Kenpachi sighed. It was hard to resist Yachiru's puppy-dog eyes, even for someone with prolonged immunity to most of her actions, like himself.
"All right. But I'm joining only to find a fighting partner. Lately, the men are all becoming pansies."
Yachiru grinned triumphantly.
"Now, you can join, Pachinko!"
-----
At the end of the day, Mayuri stared at the control panel opened on his computer in glee. The list of usernames was pleasantly long. Grinning like the mad scientist he was, he clicked 'Randomize'. He watched as the program took one random person each from the 'Male' and 'Female', and paired them up, until each person on the list had been paired.
So what if he'd written '99.9% accuracy' on the flyer? It wasn't like anybody was going to find out, anyway.
*****
Please review!