"Kid, you alright?"
"No actually. Bobby, this is all my fault. I'm sorry."
"Sam…"
"Lilith did not break the final seal. Lilith was the final seal."
"Sam, stop it."
"I killed her. I set Lucifer free."
"You what?!"
"You guys warned me about Ruby, the demon blood, but I didn't listen I brought this on."
"You're damn right you didn't listen! You were reckless and selfish and arrogant!"
"I'm sorry."
"Oh yeah? You're sorry you started Armageddon? This kind of thing doesn't get forgiven, boy!"
-Supernatural: 5.01- Sympathy for the Devil
Sam felt his stomach drop to his feet, the shadows of something dark lurk at the edges of his mind as he repeats what Bobby just fucking said to him in his mind; over and over and over again.
"If by some miracle we pull this off…"
He shoves his hands into his pockets as he walks down the street; shoulders hunched, head down. God, what was wrong with him? He couldn't even look the man in the eyes when he told him what he's been thinking since Lucifer was released.
"I want you to lose my number…"
It was his fault. Not Ruby's, not Lilith's. His.
It was Sam who freed Lucifer. Satan, the Devil, Sin incarnate.
Sam, and Sam alone. He struck the final blow, it was his fault the devil was free now. And Bobby simply told him so.
"You understand me?"
He told them he was going to a nearby church. He decided against it now. He'd do what was best and just leave, book it out of town and not look back.
He took his phone from his back pocket and threw it in a nearby garbage can, he wouldn't be needing it anyway. His wallet, empty of all cash, soon followed.
It wasn't until he reached a city almost an hour away that he stopped and ditched his 'borrowed' car. He would go by foot for the next day.
He swung the pilfered bag over his back, hunched his shoulders, and began to walk down the road.
People avoided Sam as he passed them, his tall form keeping them weary of him, glancing at him from the corner of their eyes.
He didn't give a fuck, he just needed to get away. Far away. As far from Dean as he could get.
He started the apocalypse, he would only put Dean in danger. Hunters would come for him, demons too, probably. He was bad luck.
He kept walking. For miles, out of the city, along the highway. Just… away.
He didn't truly stop until he left the state. It was then and only then that he stopped at the nearest (and cheapest) motel. He slept for an entire day, a whole 24 hours, before waking up once again.
And when he did groggily open his eyes again it was to the sound of Jessica's voice.
Another nightmare then.
"Jessica?" He questioned the apparition of his dead girlfriend. Another thing that was his fault.
"No. I'm dreaming." He shook his head, though he couldn't tear his eyes from her.
"Or you're not." She says. "What's the difference? I'm here, aren't I?" She asked him, an odd smile on her beautiful face.
Sam gave in, relieved to just see her again, even if it was only a figment of his imagination. "I've missed you so much." He told her honestly.
"I know," she said, reaching down to place her hand onto Sams, "I miss you, too." She looks into his eyes, smiling, before a frown crosses her face. "What are you doing, Sam?" She asks him quietly.
Sam shakes his head, confused. "What do you mean?" He rubs his fingers over the hand holding his own, still in shock. This wasn't a nightmare. It was simply a dream, and nothing more, it seems.
"Running away." Jess says it as if it were obvious, though it wasn't really. "Haven't we been down this road before?" She asks him, rolling her eyes.
"No." Sam says staring at their joint hands, "It's different now. Last time I wanted to be normal. This time…" he hesitates briefly, "I know I'm a freak." A self deprecating look crossed Sam's face.
Jessica looked at him with pity, "Which is a big ball of semantics, you know that." She tries to placate, "Even at Stamford you knew, you knew there was something dark inside of you. Deep down maybe, but, you knew." She accuses him. "Baby, that's what got me killed."
A feeling of panic welled in Sam's chest, this wasn't happening. "No," he all but demanded.
"I was dead the minute you said 'hello."' She told him bluntly. He again replied with a desperate 'no.'
Jessica continued unperturbed, "Don't you get it?" She asked him rhetorically, "You can't run from yourself. so why are you running now?"
"Why are you here, Jess?" Sam asked her desperately.
"Would you believe in actually trying to protect you?" She questioned him.
"From what?"
"You." Was her quick reply. "Sooner or later the past is going to catch up to you, like it always does." She continued, "You know what happens then? People die. Baby, the people closest to you die." She tells him bluntly.
Sam couldn't look her in the eye, his mind kept whispering that her death was his fault. His fault. His.
It took him a while to reply, and when he did it was with a sad tone.
"Well, don't worry because I won't make that mistake again."
"Same song, Sam. Different verse. Things are never going to change with you. Ever." A smirk played at the edges of her lips, she looked like she was enjoying this.
And suddenly, she was gone. And Sam woke up again.
Obviously not Mine… (Spn… though I wish…)