World of Make Believe
By: Yuki Shizuka
Which is worse? Not being able to wake up from a dream or not having a dream at all?
Tell me the secrets of the dream. About the sorrows, I'll come across. I must yearn for mercy. Yes! Mercy! I do not know if that is fit for me. Mercy is something that I can never have. Only sorrow and solitude are my companions. I never found a companion as companionable as solitude. There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates me with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic and still others when it is a poison that makes me beat my head against the wall. Freedom, huh? Some freedom. Do you call yourself free when you sit in a place where people just pass you by and they don't even hear you screaming? Then, loneliness… is and always has been the central inevitable experience of humankind. Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt, or they are just being hypocrites hiding what they feel.
I tried to gaze outside of this despondent penitiary but the altitudinous confines obstruct my sight. I tried closing my weary eyes to rest for a while. My mind started to create an image. An image of you. Yes you! Your pained appearance troubles my inconsolable heart. But just seeing your face is enough. I don't wish for anything more. I tried to remember the sickened promise that has rotted and hid. Hidden away from me. Away to a place that I will never know. In the middle of my deliberate travel to the world of make believe, a rift dragged me back to reality. A rift that made my eyes burn.
Now my dream cannot be turned back. That sucks! I cant even remember how I got into that world. I wish I could see that face again. I wish I could go back to the world of make believe. I tried and tried but each failure I gain heavies my heart. My memories become dim and the pain I feel… oh this exceptional pain, it became dull but I still feel my heart break. My burnt soul is simply a cooled mountain of ash. Slowly withering away. My tears are filled with pain. The tears that only I see. Only I know of.
"So tell me… tell me... The reason why… how can you do this to me? you break my heart and make me cry…" I asked out loud even if I knew nobody was listening. I do not care anymore. All I know is sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion. I still long for the day that I can continue my dream. My travel in the world of make believe. In the world of dreams and endless fantasy. The world where I truly belong. In my world. In my reality…
In the expressionless final moonlight covered with muddied excuses, I came back. Back to where I belong. To the world of make believe. But the familiar warmth that embraced me vanished without a trace. The world I long to see is now destroyed. Maybe because I was too weak. Too helpless. All I can do now is watch in pain as this world, my world, ends.
Within the endless pain I feel, there's a belated regret that was left behind. I am now as still as a doll. My lips had frozen I can no longer sing songs about my beloved. My world. The world of make believe. And the flower that blooms only for me… disappears meaninglessly… as I would disappear. So farewell hope, and with hope farewell fear, farewell remorse; all good to me is lost; evil be thou my good. And as it is all lost, I would disappear. I would die. Oh! To die will be an awfully big adventure. I want my death be like the destruction of my world. I want it to be as painful as much as possible. I want the most unforgettable pain. Carve the pains of my life unto the darkness of my soul… and when I am dead, sing no sad songs for me. Rejoice! For I will be forever in the only world that I belong. The world of make believe.
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