Gone Forever

Summary: Set during New Moon. Edward's gone, and Bella tries to turn to her friend Jacob, but what happens when Jacob becomes distant, and aggressive?

Preface

I looked at him longingly. My body was battered and broken, as was my heart. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven, as an angel, my angel stood in front of me. His face was that of dreariness and pain, and I knew that he blamed himself. I was a broken and shattered person, and he blamed himself. His voice had held a rough edge, didn't he understand that I was indeed alive. Even if a big part of me wished that I had died?

Chapter One

Time. It's inevitable. It moves, whether you give it permission to do so, or not. Time is a part of everyday life. Time heals all wounds. Right now, time is my pain. Right this second, I really hate time. Part of me wishes that I could have stopped counting. That maybe time would have stopped the moment he walked away from me. It didn't however, and now it refuses to heal my broken heart.

It has been four months, six days, and eleven hours since he left me all alone in the woods behind my house. I often wonder where he is, what he's doing and if he misses me. That, however, is when the tears start again, as the massive hole in my chest swells even bigger, and feels like it might swallow me whole.

Charlie's been worried, and I can't say that I blame him. While I can't really say that I'm not suicidal, I also can't deny that the thought hasn't popped into my mind a few times. I do quickly push those thoughts away. Even with how inviting it sounds to end this pain forever, I could never do that to Charlie and Renee. I could never make them feel the pain that I'm currently going through.

So for that reason, and that reason only, I make myself seem half-way normal. At least as normal as I can. I drag along, and I don't really talk to anyone, unless they address me specifically. I don't really have anything to say, or well, not anything that won't depress someone as much as I am at this moment. So I keep my thoughts to myself, and I just sit there. I probably resemble a zombie, or worse, but I really don't care. I have no reason to make myself 'presentable.' Hell I wouldn't go to school if Charlie hadn't threatened to ship me off to Jacksonville.

I know, I'm crazy right? Who wouldn't jump at that chance? Jacksonville or Forks, and I pick Forks. I must have lost my mind, when I lost him. It has become slightly, and I use that word lightly, easier since I've found friendship with Jacob. He knows enough to not mention him, or any of them to be frank. I must say though, in the past four months, I haven't so much as uttered his name, afraid that it would send me into so much hysterics that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out.

"Bells, Jacob's here," Charlie called from the stairs.

I can't say that Charlie is anything but ecstatic that I found Jacob. I'm almost certain that he thought I would have done something stupid to myself by now if I hadn't.

"Coming," I called, as I slipped on my jacket, and bounded down the stairs.

I can honestly say that I've found I've had more energy since I've been hanging out with Jacob, and he really is a great friend.

"Hey Bella, you look nice," he smiled my favorite grin.

"Thanks Jake, you look nice too," I smiled a little at him, as I grabbed my key before yelling over my shoulder to Charlie. "I'll be back late dad, we're gonna catch a movie too."

Before he could answer, I was out the door. No need for him to tell me otherwise, I knew he wouldn't care, he loved that I was spending so much time with Jacob. That and he was glad that I was no longer locking myself in my room, and crying for hours at a time. Although, even if it has been 'easier', I still have nightmares. The kind that wake you up in a pool of cold sweat, and have you screaming bloody murder. Yeah, Charlie just loves those. Although he has become used to them, and has stopped coming to check on me. That first night though, was difficult for both of us. I think, he thought that I was really starting to lose it, like really lose it.

"So, what do you wanna do before we go to the movie?" Jacob asked, as he reached down for my hand.

This was something that, while I wasn't exactly happy that he had picked up, I wasn't about to tell him to quit. Afraid to lose my one and only thing keeping me somewhat sane.

"Uh---I don't really know. What do you want to do?" I asked him, looking up at him.

I swear he had grown at least another three inches since I had seen him the weekend before. It was really starting to worry me, he was a towering giant now.

"Well I still have some work to do on my car, if you don't mind?" he asked.

I smiled quickly, not really caring how he kept my attention from going back to him. "That's fine Jake. I'll be excited when you finally finish it." I added for good measure. Not that I was lying, I was just being a little too enthusiastic about it.

"Me too Bella, it'll be great!" he grinned at me.

In these moments I felt almost normal. Almost like there wasn't a giant sucking wound were my heart used to be. Like, I hadn't really lost my heart. It was all an illusion though, this I knew. As soon as Jake would leave me alone, that wound would open back up, twice it's size, and pull me back into despair.

"Your being awful quiet," he pointed out.

'Great,' I said to myself, as I tried to force a smile on my lips. I could, however, feel it tangle up into a half grimace and half smile.

"It'll get better Bella," Jake said, his tone was soft and caring, as he gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks Jake. I'm glad we're friends," I added, and gave him a real smile. My first real smile in four months.

"I've missed that," he quickly pointed out.

I knew where this conversation would lead. It didn't happen often, as he usually tried to stray away from anything that would lead to talking about him or them. I tried to keep the grimace from my face, before turning to face him.

"It's just been hard. It's still really hard Jake," was all I would say on the topic. This he knew, but in these instances, he would always push for me. All he knew about the topic was that he had said goodbye, and left me all alone just inside the woods behind my house. That I tried to run after him, but couldn't catch up. After I fell for the fifth time, and could no longer see, or breathe, although that part was only known to me. I laid on the dirt and mud, and cried myself to sleep. I wasn't found till late the next night.

"That's what you always say Bella. You never say anything else. All I know is what my dad told me. The only person that really knows what happened that night is you Bella, and you won't feel better till you get that off your chest," he said finally, a bit of edge to his voice, and jumped slightly.

"It's none of your business Jake," I bit back, immediately regretting that.

"Yeah, your right. It's not, I mean, it's not like we're friends or anything," he bit back, dropping his hand from mine, before stopping on his heel and turning to face me. "Ya know Bella, I'm not sure if this is a good idea. You and me, friends. If your just going to keep up this whole 'I'm fine, but I refuse to let anyone in' persona, then I give up. I'm sorry Bella, but I can't be a replacement Edward."

I stared at him, fire in my eyes. He knew he crossed a line, I could see it from the why his expression changed. I saw his mouth getting ready to move, to try to apologize, but I wasn't having any of that. Not today.

"Screw you Jake. If you can't take me the way I am. Broken and shattered. Then your right, this is a bad idea. I was just hoping that given time to heal, that you might be able to pull me out of this massive hole that I've been stuck in. I just need someone to keep faith that I'll pull myself out, that I'll be able to be Bella again. I really like hanging out with you Jake, I do. I never once thought of you as a replacement for him, quite frankly, and no offense, but no one could replace him. No one will ever take his place in my heart. You knew how screwed up I was when we started hanging out Jake. If you want out, then by all means.."I paused gesturing with my hands. "But if you think that you can handle being friends with someone so badly screwed up, that everyone alienates themselves from her, then you can give me a call."

With that I turned on my heel, and started back toward the house. I couldn't, and I wouldn't deal with his attitude today. I didn't get far, as I felt his warm, large hand grab my wrist and pull me back toward him.

"Good speech buddy," he grinned at me, and I was starting to think that he was bi-polar, or had some other psychological problem.

"Uh---" was all I can manage.

"I just, I needed to see some sort of life in you. It gets depressing after a while to look at you this way. No offense Bells, but you kind of resemble a zombie....no wait, zombies even look more alive then you do," he joked.

I sighed, leave it to Jake to pick a fight with me, just to piss me off. I shook my head, trying to calm myself down, as we started walking again. I felt his warm hand in mine again, and I felt my body relax, even if only a bit.

"I'm sorry Jake. I'll try and work on that," I finally said, and watched as his face slipped into a huge grin. My favorite grin, I must add.

"Okay, lets get to my place, before I have no time to work on my car," he pretended to pout. "Unless you don't wanna hang out with me, of course."

This always happened, after our pretend fights, he'd always play the wounded puppy card, and I always fell for it. I was a sucker for his puppy dog eyes, which I must add he had perfected.

"Of course I wanna hang out with you," I rolled my eyes.

What else would I do? Wallow in self pity? Oh the fun that would be. I jumped into the front seat of my truck, and Jacob climbed into the passenger side seat. It was only know that I started to realize that, and this had only been lately, that heat literally radiated from my very tall, scrawny friend.

"Are you coming down with something?" I finally asked, we were out of the driveway, and quickly, well as quickly as my beat up old truck would go, on our way to La Push.

"Uh---No, I feel fine, why?" he asked, one of his eyebrows raised slightly.

"I can literally feel heat radiating off of you," I pointed out.

"I guess I'm just warm-blooded," he pointed out.

"I suppose," I said, giving in and dropping the topic, for now.

The rest of the car ride was silent. Not one of my favorite things. Silence meant that my mind had free time to roam, and it liked to roam in directions that usually left me feeling more dead than alive, and today was not a good day to feel like that. Jacob finally picked up on my unease, as we pulled into the town limits of La Push.

"So Bells, are you gonna help me this time, or just watch?" he asked, knowing the answer to his question.

"What do you think Jake?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow, although thankful that he finally broke the silence before my mind went to places that would make me completely useless the rest of the day.

"Your gonna watch, wouldn't want you to hurt yourself," he said, his tone was joking, but I saw the grimace on his face.

The last time I tried to help Jacob work on his car, it ended with a trip to the emergency room. Although technically a lot of 'physical' things ended with me injured in one way or another. This was one of the worse though, and my arm was gushing quite a bit of blood. Not a fun thing considering my weak stomach when it comes to blood.

"Yeah, I agree. Not that helping you out isn't fun, I just don't think my stomach could handle another gash like that," I said, my stomach feeling queasy at the thought.

I pulled my loud truck into his driveway, and put it park before yanking out the keys and following him toward the garage in back. I smiled as I saw that he had beaten me around the side of the house and was already under the hood working quickly. Today was going to be a good day, I could tell. For the first time in four months I didn't feel the doom and gloom that usually overshadowed me, and I was hoping that this would be my first step out of the dark shadow that he had left me in.