COVENANT

BY: Yuki Shizuka

A sweet dream ends with a requiem…

An empty room. That is where I am. This is the very confines that keep me from people. From everybody. But why do I like it? The silence hurts my ears and its nothingness burns my eyes. For how long must I, an unknown and possibly insignificant being, stay in such peace? Will the peace that I talk about last? A chair materializes in the middle. Do they want me to sit? To rest? Oh! Rest is heavenly! It is what I long for. It is what I wish for. Will my master approve of it? Will I stand here waiting? Forever? Forever is such a lonely thing. I know this even if I have not lived that long. It is getting darker and colder. The darkness calms the monsters inside of me. The monsters that I, even I, do not know how to tame. Are those really monsters? Or am I just imagining these things? Nothing is clear to me anymore. Everything is effaceable for me. Nothing is permanent. Then, why? Why am I still here? Who placed me in such a lonely room? A room that I do not know. What is this? Something is hurting me. Piercing my heart like an icy sword. Who is doing this? As I look down to my hands, I noticed. It is me! I am stabbing myself! But why? Why am I doing this? Yet… I like this feeling. I feel happy. Like my fears and worries are slowly leaving me. Leaving me to myself. To this lonely room with no doors and no windows. This is fun. I like this. My blood gushes out like tears of a child that longs for his mother. It is cold… my blood. I am now drenched in red rivers of what felt like heaven to me. Blood as roses. The fragrance hungers me. Teasing me.

Is it worth it? Having a rotten day when you wake up when you already have a sweet dream? The sweet dream suddenly vanished and the nightmare of waking up is at hand. The sun smiles but all I see is the frown of day. I long to see the lonely face of the moon. So I can rest. Sleep an endless sleep. One that even the sun could not break. There may be no words to describe a loathsome feeling but my deeds cannot hide this obsoleteness. The nefarious silence has taken over again and I do not know how long it is to stay. All I know is its eating away my heart and its letting all these impurities inside. To corrupt it. To claim it and to destroy all hope. The despotic demons that are created not so long ago by my own silence is tearing me apart. Limb from limb. Moreover, I do not know how to make it stop. Then out of the deafening silence, I hear a faint voice. Calling me. Saving me from this unbearable loneliness. Yet the blank face stares out into an unidentified abyss. Nothing. The hope-giving voice vanished leaving my unrepaired heart in the blinding darkness. Repeatedly I carry these indelible stains on the crooked path towards nothing. Hoping to hear that definite voice that saves. Again the demons appear. Eating away what is left of this unrepairable heart. The vast plains toward nothing, tiring the feet that I can no longer feel. The cool winds that fly freely mock my current indescribable state. Then I hear the fluttering of wings above even if there is no visible sky. A pair of hands glowing in the darkness appeared and lifted me with utmost care. I can feel the coldness as it held me…

The burning ice crept inside of me like the monstrous fire. The hand that held me kept me aware of my surroundings. Even if I cannot see them, I can feel them. The wind that mocks me are long gone. The blackness that blind me, turned into hazy gray, then into light. I looked up to see the face of my savior. I know him. His face is calm and smiling, giving me courage and strength. His face is peaceful but with sad eyes. I know him. Suddenly, anger and hate flowed in me. I shouted, "You deceived me right from the start! You showed me dreams I wished you turned into real! You broke your promise. You made me realize it was all but a lie! And above all, you took my heart!" What am I saying? Is he not the one who saved me? Is he the one who left me in the dark? Why? Why did he not say anything? He did not even blink or remove his smile. His silence angers me. I am so tired of silence. I hate it. Silence is for cowards. There is no time for cowardice. Now that time is running out. Is that the reason? Is that why I hate silence? If silence has always been with me, always been my ally, why do I hate it? Then he touched my face and wiped something from it. Was I crying? For how long? I breathed slowly and deeply. He did not remove his hands from my face. I felt cold. Maybe because of his hand. I do not know. It does not matter. There's not enough time. I don't know why. He removed his hands from my face and led me through a long and damp tunnel. I do not now where we are going. I just know I should follow him. I can see light. Were nearing the end of the cave-like tunnel. The heat of the sun pierced me like an ice cold sword. Am I free?

I closed my eyes because of the blinding light. I suddenly felt his presence fading. Leaving me. I wanted to reach out and hug him but I could not find the strength to do so. I blurted out "you are just going to leave me again? Why?" he never answered. The surroundings became clearer. I see something flying. Black butterflies! Then they turned into people. Running and rushing about. Busy living their lives. Am I really here? Do I belong here? Can they see me? if they do, why are they not reacting? Am I invisible? They would not even look my way. Maybe if I talk to them they would notice me. I started moving my mouth but there is no sound. Why? Where is my voice? After repeatedly trying to speak, up to no prevail, I stopped. This is hopeless. No one will ever hear me. if they do, who cares? The world is filled with despotic people living their pathetic lives as if they had it all planed for themselves. As if having a smooth path. Some even practice nihilism. I lost all hope. I started walking towards nothing again. My vision became hazy. I felt my eyes burn. What did I do now? I couldn't be crying! I shouldn't. That's showing weakness in my part. Wait! No one cares anyway.

Many days already passed and I am still hopelessly waiting for someone to come and save me from this indispensable suffering. Why am I suffering like this? Did I do something wrong? Why me? it could've been anyone else. But why me? is there no ending for this cruel suffering? How I long see that face again. The face that smiles but with sad eyes. I want to see him. My knees can no longer bear the weight of my body. Then I dropped to the ground sinking. Again, my heart is torn and bleeding. I try to mend it but my memories pierce the openings. When will this stop? For how long must I suffer?

I cannot bear any more of this suffering. Nobody even cares. Why bother trying so hard? Am I this unimportant/ am I so insignificant? Nobody even remembers my name anymore. I breathe deep and cry out… nobody hears me. Maybe its best if I disappear… yes, I would love that. To end everything. I have suffered long enough. Tomorrow then… I'll end it all!

I tried to kill the pain. But only brought more. So much more. I lay dying, counting my breath, and each wail. Am I too lost to be saved? Then I hear the faint voice again. "Do you remember me?" asked the voice lost so long. I smiled weakly and asked, "Will you be on the other side? Or will you forget me?" again I smiled. My eyes burn. Am I crying? Oh no! Not again! I shouted, "I want to die!" My unrepairable wounds cry for the grave. My soul cries for deliverance. Will I be denied? Again? No! Please! I feel so heavy. So tired. His cold hands held me so close that I can hear him breathing. All I can do is smile weakly onto the face that now showed worry and anguish and sadness. "Please let me sleep. I longed for this moment for so long. This is what I wanted after all! I want to die!" He just held me, so tight that for the first time I felt a connection with somebody. I like this feeling. Maybe I should've done this earlier. With a shaky voice, he said, "I never left you. All you have to do is call my name. Reach out your hand and you'll find me there, next to you." "Is that so? I have been so lonely…" I answered. "No! Don't give up! There is still hope!" he said softly to my ear. "But i… all I could wish for is to die in your arms. To know you're there." I said weakly. My sight blurred, slowly eating up all the light I see. Then, I felt my heart give up. It stopped… I am finally free!

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