Blair didn't know exactly when it had happened, nor what had triggered this epiphany. She may have been stomping down Madison Avenue grinding the heels of her Laboutins against the pavement as she hunted down the latest fashions or she may have been ruthlessly disciplining one of her 'projects' - tights were not pants after all - when it finally hit her.
She and Serena were as different as can be. Serena could make others feel comfortable, as if they'd known her forever in under a minute, while freshman, teachers, Nate and even the odd trophy wife cowered under Blair's dark, forbidding gaze. Serena was tall, blonde and willowy while Blair was Snow White; cold, innocent and untouchable. Serena was all sunshine and sparkles, a warm ray of sun in the middle of a slushy New York winter while Blair was icy midnight, blood red lipstick and ivory lace.
That was when the insecurities started, for who would choose prim and proper Blair Waldorf over Serena van der Woodsen; the blonde bombshell?
And then Nate's eyes began to stray, his bright blue eyes coursing over miles and miles of golden limbs, taking in every inch of Serena's body. Blair Waldorf began to pale and fade into the background. Every time Nate looked at Serena, Blair could see the desire and admiration blazing in his eyes; every look sending stabs of pain coursing through her body. So she pretended not to see. It was hard at first, growing easier by the day. Slowly, she built an impenetrable wall around her heart. Brick by brick.
And then she had to force her fingers into her throat just to feel something.
But it was worth it. A small sacrifice in her quest for perfection.
It was simple really. Say no to dessert, study hard, rule the school with an iron fist and smile. Perfect student, perfect girlfriend, perfect daughter, perfect life. It didn't matter that it was all an act. Appearances are everything.
And then Serena left and Blair breathed a sigh of relief. Never again would she be compared to Serena van der Woodsen. Everything was almost perfect.
She finally had Nate all to herself - except that wasn't really true. He was always with her, but always absent. Her Nate was an empty husk. It answered all her questions and did as she asked, but the sparkle was missing from his eyes. Serena must have taken it with her when she went away.
Blair didn't care, not anymore. Her transformation was complete. The movie of her life was rolling, and Blair was the star.
But there was one thing in Blair's life that wasn't perfect. One thing she couldn't control. Her equal in plots of social destruction was fast becoming her best friend, if not more.
Every time Chuck looked at her, Blair could feel her icy shell melt, her wall of protection, the wall of perfection, crack and his coal-black eyes scanned her body, her skin burned as though hot oil had been poured onto it. His sharp tongue was the only thing that could pierce her protective armour - the only thing which made her feel anything.
Blair didn't want to admit it. He wasn't perfect, not even close and Blair yearned for nothing less than perfection. Happiness is fleeting, perfection is forever. Nate was a much better fit for her future, so Blair ignored the strange tightness in her throat every time Chuck's dark eyes locked with hers.
And then Serena came back, and the glimmer came back into Nate's eyes and Blair knew she had to do everything she could to keep him at her side. Total social destruction was on the menu, a dish Chuck Bass had helped her to prepare. Blair couldn't deny that she had enjoyed bringing Serena down a couple of pegs. It was a little payback for all the years during which Blair had been stuck in Serena's golden shadow. It was a sick kind of pleasure, but a pleasure nonetheless.
But Blair knew it had all been for naught. Nate wasn't hers and he never really had been. She couldn't capture his attention and hold it for more than a few minutes.
Then when Nate couldn't tell her that he loved her, Blair wasn't really surprised. She had known it all along.
When she and Nate broke up, she went to meet the only person who had ever understood her. She danced for him on that stage and when she saw that look of desire and admiration in his eyes, she strode off the stage, leaving her perfect persona and the wall of protection on the stage.
In the limo his eyes turned from coal black to warm chocolate brown. She could see the same look in his eyes as she had seen in Nate's when he looked at Serena. So she kissed him, and it melted her heart and shattered her mask of indifference. Warmth flooded her body and she felt true happiness for the first time in so long. It was ironic that her happiness lay within the arms of Chuck Bass. And she knew. She would trade a lifetime of pretend perfection for a minute of real bliss. Nate could have his golden princess, for she had found someone who appreciated the cruel beauty of winter.