Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters

Guilt

JPOV

It was my fault. They said they don't blame me, even Bella said she didn't blame me, but I knew, in some way, that it was my fault. My family has been torn apart because Edward left her for "her own good".

We've been gone for months – four to be exact – and nothing is getting better. At first Edward was just locked in his room, refusing to even go hunting until someone would finally drag him out of his hole and force him to go.

I still shudder remembering the emotions coming off of him; I felt bad, but I had to leave the house whenever he was there, my calming waves did nothing to ease his pain and it was strong enough to slowly drive me mad. Now he is gone. I'm sure he's holed himself up somewhere else, but that doesn't change how he feels. I think he left because he felt bad about bringing the family down and thought if he wasn't around to depress everyone we'd be happier. What an idiot – him not being there is the same as him being here depressed.

Alice has lost her best friend and sister, she isn't my Alice anymore. She won't even talk to Edward anymore; I think she's still furious. I heard it took Emmett, Rose and Esme to drag her to, and hold her in, the car when they came here. Although she seems in better spirits than the rest of us, she still isn't her bouncy usual self.

Emmett is quiet. His normal booming laugh hasn't occurred since before we left. His little sister is gone and he knows she is in pain but can't do anything to help.

Rosalie is Rosalie. She's upset that our family is like this, but she's also angry: at Bella for having such an effect on the family, at Edward for being the idiot and leaving her.

Both Carlisle and Esme are upset. It's like they've lost a daughter and I know Esme is more than a little angry with Edward for leaving Bella, but she can't really argue with him about it. He thinks he knows all. What he doesn't know is that Bella became the glue that kept this family together.

I know I shouldn't, but after two months of living like this I can't help but wonder how Bella has been taking this. Alice doesn't look into her future and no one has been in contact so we don't know how anything and I think someone needs to check on her – if for no other reason than to see if she's still alive.

On impulse I'm here. I'm back in Forks, Washington because I want to at least see how she's doing, and hopefully, properly apologize. I know seeing me may hurt her, so I do plan to look and see how she is first – try and gauge what her reaction may be – but I hope it will be fine. It's not just to ease my consciousness, at least I hope it isn't; I've convinced myself that if I see her and I can report to Edward how she is, maybe he will come back to her. Maybe our family will be whole again.

I feel kind of like Edward did when he first realized he had feelings for Bella, like a stalker. I plan to watch her for a day or so, and then figure out a way to approach her. It will also help me to get used to her scent.

I'm standing just out of human sight of Forks High School. Bella trudges to her hunk-a-junk truck through the rain and, although I'm not very close, I can't feel anything off of her. Strange… Maybe she's just blanking on emotion right now.

As I'm watching Bella prepare dinner for her father I realize I was wrong and right at the same time. It wasn't that she was just having a blank of emotions right then, it's that she's having a blank of emotions all the time.

It's like she's a zombie. Her eyes are dead and she looks sick. She's much thinner than she was – can it really have been only four months ago I saw her last? – and she's even paler than I am. But those aren't the most disturbing. No, the most horrific thing is that there is nothing coming off of her. No emotions. It's like she's dead.

Every once in a while she'll flinch, pain etched across her face, and I'll feel her pain, something so strong it hits me like a tsunami wave.

Edward is in pain, a lot pain, but these bursts of torment that come from her leave him in the dust. His constant ache can't compare to the waves of hurt, unworthiness, rejection, loneliness and utter heartbreak that keep hitting me. I've never felt anything like it.

At a ridiculously early hour – 9 pm – Bella told Charlie she was going to bed. She seems to take her time getting ready for bed and I can start to feel a small amount of dread and fear emanating from her. I don't understand it. Why would anyone be afraid to go to sleep? Sleep is supposed to be a release from the conscious realm. I understand all too soon.

Soon after her breathing and heart rate even out, the emotions that had been coming off of her in small bursts, explode. There's no other description. It's like her conscious defense mechanism goes to sleep and all the pain she has been pushing away comes to eat her all at once. It's a horrifying feeling and my waves of calm I send towards her have no effect. I don't know how she can stand such agony or how she has been able to cope the past two months. I don't even know if I can stand feeling this kind of pain for the next few hours.

It's not long before panic and fear are the two most prominent emotions; another something I can't understand. These feelings are soon explained. Her screams are bone-chilling, to say the least. She has nightmares and by the fact that Charlie only half awakens to her shrieks, I can tell this is a nightly event.

Her emotions – her pain – seem to increase, if that's even possible, when she first wakes up. Amazingly, it only takes the time for her to get her breathing under control to fall back into the complete emotionless void.

I know now I can't see her. She is in so much pain already. The only simile I could use to describe it would be having ones skin torn off, in strips, piece by piece, slowly.

I'm sure seeing me would do more harm than good. What an idiot my brother is – so sure he's always right.

I left Forks without ever letting Bella be aware of my presence. Although Alice has pestered me continuously for specifics of Bella's condition, I have refused to say. Bella's emotions terrified me. I didn't realize anyone, especially a human, could live through such agony. My only hope is that my brother decides to return home sometime soon and I think of her. Maybe when he sees what he's really done, then he'll come to his senses.