"Please?"
That was all it took. That one word in a broken tone paired with big eyes. I didn't love him. I didn't. But I couldn't keep up my walls to keep him out. I could refuse or say no in anger. I could lash out and say hateful things. I could explain why no was the better option or say sorry. I could and often did but then he said this. He said this and his eyes widened and there was this panicked gleam in his eyes shining in need with an undertone of hope laced in with pain.
In the panic, I could see that he was afraid I would actually grow a backbone and stick to my refusal this time. In the need, I could see that it was something he truly relied on and that he wasn't sure he could live without it. In the hope, I could see the possibilities and why I should just ignore why I say no. In the pain, I could see what I was doing to him and I didn't like it. So, I give in.
Then it's his wide smile and his intense eyes shining happily. Then we disappear and were alone and I don't regret my weak habit of just succumbing. Then there is a frenzy of lips and sighs and tearing of clothes and I know nothing then. Then its moans and scratching and arching and I know everything that deals with him and only him. Then it's spent energy and cuddling and whispered declarations I pretend not to hear. Then it's me regretting and me promising that it will never happen again and me leaving.
"Why?"
It's always this question he asks and has me pausing in my departure. It is a mumble and makes him sound like a kicked puppy. I always slowly turn and look at him. I always stand and I stare. I always open my mouth then quickly snap it shut. I always then avoid his eyes that have a sudden undeniable shine of tears that he always gets. I always swallow thickly before straightening and fixing a horrible sneer on my face. I always just spit something demeaning out that has him shaking in a mixture of anger and sadness. I always am terrible in that moment and I always regret it but never stop myself.
I wonder why though. I ask myself over and over but when I give myself the true answer I just push it aside because I won't admit that to myself. This word makes me insane daily because I don't know. It's mad, what we do and I'm mad for doing it. I know he wonders why I always cave only to hurt him later. I know he wonders but I know he doesn't know that I wonder too. Because why? I wanted to know why just as much as he did.
Why? It affects me in ways it shouldn't. It haunts me and I freeze in terror because what if I never know why? He always looked equally haunted and scared and I know he awaits the day I will give him a real answer that I actually mean. He asks every time in a quiet voice that is hurt while the question rebounds in my head and bounces driving me slowly insane.
"I don't care."
When he first said it, I punched him. It had hurt that he would say that knowing that lie would hurt worse than any other. But then I grasped he hadn't been lying and I was numb. I was cold and numb before I was suddenly warm and happy. He didn't get a response nor did he know of my momentary lapse in my facade. It had hurt to think of it as a lie because he should. Care, that is.
He should care what others thought. He should care how people would react. He should care that I'm not particularly what others see as fit for him. He should care that they were right. He should care that I hurt him. He should care that he was changing me. He should care because he mattered even if I didn't. He should care because I did.
I cared alright. I cared enough to point out why we wouldn't work. I cared because it was like we were worlds apart and honestly our worlds had no right to mix. I cared what others would think and I cared what would happen. When he told me this I ignored it and he told me often. It was becoming almost too much to bear because I wish I could not care but if I didn't then who would out of us two?
"I love you."
It was a whisper and I had froze before brushing it off as him being caught up in the moment. It had to be because he didn't love me. Just like I didn't love him. Yet, he continued to say it. Sometimes he whispered it so thickly that I knew it hurt him and inwardly I would cringe while outwardly I would just roll my eyes ignoring how he had meant every syllable. Sometimes he said it loudly and confidently like he was trying to convince me but I just glared at him while pointedly not replying.
The thing was he said it whenever he deemed it time to. It wasn't limited to just at the peak of our passion and that scared me. Another thing was sometimes he didn't just say it but show it. He let it leak into his actions and when he caressed my face I could practically feel the three words. When he mumbled my name in his sleep after our throes of passion, I could hear the underlying phrase. When he turned away to hide the tears that I had ended up seeing, I felt the declaration in every sob.
Soon though despite my best efforts, I started believing him. Before, I had denied it frantically. I didn't think it was possible. But then, I couldn't just lie anymore. I believed him and it killed me. It hurt and that made me all the angrier. Why'd he have to go and make our already complicated situation even worse? They say love conquers all but this just goes to show that was a made up comfort to those who were too weak to handle otherwise.
And then, nothing.
It had suddenly just ended. No more 'please' or 'why' or 'I don't care' or 'I love you' because he just stopped. He didn't come by begging until I finally gave in. He didn't ask the question that plagued us both. He didn't fight to show me why we could be an option with not caring for my excuses as a weapon. He didn't let any love show or leak out and he sure as hell didn't say it. He just left me alone. He dropped me as if I was a flaming pan and I felt the fire eat me alive.
For all my futile fighting, I never could quite refuse myself him. I never could fully give myself a reason for hurting him. I never could stop trying to convince myself to care as much as I pretended to. And I sure as hell could never stop myself from loving him too. Everything he stood for and I fought him on, I believed and felt as clearly and strongly as he did. In the end, I was just destroying myself as well as him.
I had felt my heart shrivel but ignored it because I had expected it. I knew this would happen. I knew it and I continued with him anyway and now the regret was real and the love was open and in my brain no matter how much I tried to shove it away. It was true that ignorance is bliss because maybe just maybe if I hadn't realized I loved him too then it wouldn't hurt as he quit. He gave up just like I had gave in except this time it didn't cause us both pleasure but me pain.
I assumed he was fine. I watched even as I tried not to but he was okay. He laughed with his friends and pretended like I didn't exist. But when we had the inevitable encounter he just stood back while his best mate went at me and I could only simply stare in shock. I was shocked because it was like before we started our affairs. It was back to hatred and true disdain and he no longer defended me or tried to pull his mate away like his other best friend did. She seemed to sense that something was off with me. He didn't and instead stood looking gleeful as his best mate tore into me. What his best mate said, I didn't know but how he acted would stick with me forever.
But then he chanced a glance.
Somewhere someone is laughing at me because immediately his eyes flooded with pain as they met mine. I could almost see his mouth framing the word 'why' and then his eyes flooded with a warmth that I knew to be a sign of his love. Then it was gone in a flash only a sample to be replaced with hate. It was clear. He was done even if it hurt and he loved me, he was done. His hate might actually be a true feeling. I suppose you could love and hate someone at once. There for a while I had thought I was but turns out I just loved him. I started hyperventilating and then I turned and got out of there as fast as possible.
"Yea, run like you always do. Coward."
That was what his best mate yelled as I left. It wasn't really true because used to I would stay and fight and be a prick but as of late with him I did run. I could feel him exuding his agreement with the statement as clearly as I could feel it when he showed his love. It was there with everything I had hurt him with and all the regret weighed heavily on me. He, however, seemed to have bounced back perfectly like it had meant nothing.
A month passed with me feeling as if I still had loose ends to tie up. I should have moved on and got over it but instead I silently watched him and slowly faded. Others noticed and I did too but I didn't care because this time I had royally screwed up. Eating, sleeping, and just living didn't feel normal to me anymore. The thoughts captivated my mind and all I did was drown in guilt and regret and pain as he shined with new independency and freedom.
So I shrunk and it became abnormal to see me without bruises under my eyes and I became a mere shadow that I hadn't been since my father tried to make me join Voldemort. My godfather was worried but wouldn't pry too far as long as I kept him at bay and I did. My friends quickly moved into the category of acquaintances before ending up as strangers. I was slowly becoming nothing and I didn't care because that was how he saw me now.
I shouldn't have been so reckless, I knew that. I can't believe he had me acting like a damn gryffindor but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't have stopped it if I could have. The months had flew by and now I was almost parchment passing by in the wind for how much I existed. I was sickly skinny and I was near about passing out with exhaustion and no one cared but it was because he didn't care that I didn't either. I knew I should have went to him and begged him back or went to someone to get some help on my health. I knew it but like a reckless idiot, I ignored it in favor of watching him laugh joyously with his friends.
His laugh was a true beautiful picture and I was sure I could look at it everyday. Realizing that I actually wanted to do just that had me getting shakily to my feet and trying to make my way to him to apologize and beg him back. My pride be damned. I knew that I was delirious but at the same time I knew even in a frame of mind that was actually stable, I would have eventually done it anyway. So I shakily started staggering over towards him.
I watched as everyone fell silent but oddly a loud ringing and buzzing was still going in my ears. Him and his friends turned to me as it became clear I was making a beeline straight for them. His best girl mate, the know-it-all was looking at me in worry. I could see her practically itching to get up and help me over and right then I regretted every horrible thing I ever said to her. What's worse was the Weasel looked a bit uncertain albeit confused. This had me inwardly sighing as I regretted a lot of my cruelty to him too.
Then I met his eyes and they were cold, empty, and emotionless. The green in his eyes were bright but held no pity or anything really. He had no worry or even hatred and that was worse. It was like he had actually forgot I existed. Worse, like he didn't know what had happened between us. I realized then that I had paused weighed down by his uncaring eyes and that was my fatal mistake. He blurred and I heard his shout that came out panicked before I dropped hard to the floor.
"Is he going to be alright?"
"What is wrong with him?"
"He looks really bad!"
"Will he recover?"
"Do we know why he was like this?"
"Oh merlin! Its my fault! Draco, I'm so sorry. Oh merlin, oh merlin, oh merlin!"
The first was my godfather. The second was the bookworm. The third was the Weasel. The fourth was McGonagall. The fifth was Dumbledore. The sixth...that was Harry. He sounded a bit odd. A bit hysterical and why was he apologizing? They all sounded a bit incredulous as they asked him for an explanation but he just kept chanting. I could feel everyone turning their backs on me and focusing on him to find out what he did to me. I opened my eyes and found that I was right. Harry was in a chair curled up and rocking looking adorably guilty as he chanted while everyone else watched him in complete shock.
"I love you."
It was a croak but it got the desired effect. Everyone whipped around to me in shock and Harry stopped rocking and chanting to stare at me in confusion. It was adorable to see him look so unraveled and for me. He leaned up and shook his head in the negative.
"You couldn't possibly. What about what stopped you before?"
I could see him fighting with himself. He clearly wanted to just agree because I could see that look he would get but he seemed to be struggling against it now. Naturally he did it when I wished he wouldn't. But I knew what he needed to hear and I ached to say it. I ignored everyone else who was looking between us in complete confusion.
"I don't care."
His eyes lit up before he actually forced them to dim. I wondered if this is what I looked like when I fought myself and him. I wanted to strangle him and then snog him senseless. I wondered if this is what he felt like. It felt nice to finally be in this position to where I am not hurting him.
"Yes well I don't think we could work. It is best if we just don't."
As he said it, I knew if I agreed then he would stick to it. I wondered if he was right and it hurt to much to think about going back to being without him. I don't know if I could. I wasn't going to go through that again. It nearly killed me and I was just so tired of fighting him.
"Why?"
I watched him seriously consider why and he just kept his mouth pressed firmly together. We may never know why and if I never found out I think I would be alright. He blinked as he finally understood why I never gave him an answer. His breath hitched before he cleared his throat and shook his head again.
"It doesn't matter. It ended and now it's done. Draco, no."
It sliced through me and I knew he truly had believed that even if his current resolve was crumbling. I could empathize what he was going through because my resolve had crumbled so many times that I knew where the chink in the armor was located. I looked into his eyes and allowed mine to widen and I parted my lips as I whispered the one word that had been my undoing many times before.
"Please?"