Author's note: this is set after Snape's Worst Memory, when Umbridge is Head teacher in 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" Obviously, I've invented the situations but I tried to make everything fit in with the canon and the world as best I could. It's meant to read like one full chapter of the novel so it starts quite abruptly. Disclaimer: Jo Rowling owns the rights to this world and I'm just respectfully having fun with it. Contains scenes of a slashy nature. It's my first fic so I hope you enjoy it!

Love Among the Pumpkin Juice

One

Harry, Hermione and Ron traipsed down to the Great Hall the next morning, eyes heavy with lack of sleep. They didn't even have the energy to speak until they entered the Great Hall.

"What the..." began Ron. The Great Hall appeared to have been redecorated in the manner of a second rate Witch Weekly interior section. There were floating pink love hearts whizzing around the room which seemed to be sending letters to various students, some giggling, some looking vaguely disgusted. Clouds of white smoke surrounded the tables which were adorned with statues of little moving golden cupids. Shocking pink banners were draped across the stony walls, all of which read:

"YOUR HEADMISTRESS LOVES YOU!"

"Ugh." groaned Ron.

Hermione looked slightly shell-shocked. "What? Valentines day was ages ago. Maybe Umbridge thinks this will put students off playing tricks on her."

"Doubt it. Come on," Harry said, resisting the urge to simply turn back.

As they made their way towards the Gryffindor table they were met by Pansy Parkinson. She was wearing what appeared to be a pink dress with real white wings sewn onto the back.

"Care to write a love letter, Potter?" she asked, thrusting a box of love hearts towards him. "Perhaps you could write one to Weasley. After all it's not as though anyone's queuing up to go out with him."

Harry shoved past her as Hermione whispered "Ignore her, ignore her..." under her breath as though it was a mantra.

"Bit ironic really, Parkinson dressed as an angel, eh?" said Ron as they sat down near Neville who looked positively terrified.

"Harry!" he said in a worried voice. "Isn't this awful? The Slytherins are loving it. Look, this came for you."

Harry took the little love heart from Neville and began to open it. A note fell out of it. He read it then crumpled it up in disgust.

"Wha' does it say?" asked Ron, opening it up as he chewed on a sausage. "Harry you mudblood liar you are a complete f-"

"-Oh for Goodness sake, just throw it away, Ron. Malfoy's not worth it." said Hermione reading over Ron's shoulder as she absentmindedly stirred sugar onto the Daily Prophet instead of her porridge.

Harry took a quick glance at the Slytherin table to see Draco Malfoy whooping and pointing at him gleefully with Crabbe and Goyle gormlessly clapping next to him.

"Never knew he cared" Ron said cheerfully between mouthfuls.

Suddenly there was a loud burst of panpipes making Neville spill all of his pumpkin juice onto his lap and Harry looked up at the staff table to see Umbridge dressed as though she was going to a ball. Gone was her beloved cardigan, replaced by a huge white fur coat, a wide puffy pink skirt, and, to complete this atrocity, what appeared to be a dead flamingo balancing on her head.

Even Umbridge couldn't fail to notice the titters which were resonating throughout the Hall and looked slightly disgruntled as she stepped out to address everyone.

"What's the betting that Snape's going to murder her?" whispered Ron.

Harry glanced at Snape who did indeed appear to be visibly snarling in disgust, his hand batting away every pink heart which whizzed past him.

He tried not to look at the Ravenclaw table. His heart sank even thinking about Cho. It was over and that was that. He wasn't even sure if it had ever begun.

"Hem hem!"

"Oh here we go..." Ron groaned.

" Now children you might be wondering why I've had the Great Hall decorated in such a pretty manner..."

-a few people snorted and Harry noticed Snape tearing up a piece of bread in fury.

"...Now it's all to do with a great witch called Wanda Wetweathers who, in 1647 created a group called the Lovehearts society, consisting of purebloods who wanted to banish evil people: murderers, thieves and liars."

Harry could have sworn she looked at him as she said this. He wringed his scarred hand in anger.

"On this day, centuries ago the Lovehearts managed to capture seventeen muggles who had been persecuting witches and put them to death. I thought it would be lovely if we could all celebrate.."

Hermione tutted loudly. Harry was beginning to feel he'd had enough. His head was throbbing. He glanced around to see Malfoy looking bored. Harry wished that Dumbledore was here.

"...And if course I love you all, and the school, very much. I only want the best for you all. Not like some people..." She laughed her horrible, twittering laugh.

Harry suddenly wondered why he wasn't hearing some comment from Fred and George. Glancing up the Gryffindor table he saw that they were both wearing identical expressions of utter glee. This could only mean one thing.

"What are you planning?" he whispered but they shook their heads and Fred tapped the side of his nose mysteriously.

"...and one day I hope that all of us will work together in a school free from this kind of evil, and any silly nonsense..."

Whatever they were planning, Harry hoped it would happen soon. His head felt like it could explode. Suddenly there was an odd whooping sensation in his stomach and he felt as though he was about to throw up. Getting up from his seat, he hurried blindly to the exit, aware of voices calling out:

"Harry! Harry! Where are you going?"

But he simply had to get out.