"And in another moment down went Alice after it, never once wondering how ever in the world she was to get out again."
Mostly it was the closeness. It made my throat ache, wanting to speak of it.
I remember watching the sun go down slowly over one edge of the building to the other, making the sky go to the west, pink and yellow. I remember a candy wrapper- Three Musketeers, I think- blowing along the sidewalk. Quinn shivered.
Without thinking, i put my arm around her shoulders to warm her, and then before either of us knew what was happening, our arms were around each other and Quinn's soft and gentle mouth was kissing mine.
When we did realize what was happening, we pulled away from each other, and Quinn looked out at the sky and i looked over at the candy wrapper. It had gotten beyond the bulding by then, and was caught beside a rock. For something to do, i walked over and stuffed it into my pocket, and then i stayed there, trying to keep my mind blank. I remember wishing the wind would literally blow through me, cold and pure and biting.
"Santana," Quinn called in a quiet voice. "Santana, please come back." Part of me didn't want to, but part of me did, and that part won. Quinn was digging a little hole into the rough stucco wall with her fingernail.
"Q, stop. You'll break your nail." I said and she looked up at me and smiled. Her eyes were soft and troubled and a little scared, but her mouth went on smiling, and then the wind blew her hair in wisps across my face and i had no choice but to move away.
She put her hand on mine, barely touching it. "It's all right with me," she whispered, "if it is with you."
"I- I don't know."
It was like a war inside me; i couldn't even recognize all the sides. There was one that said "No, Santana, this is wrong. Quinn is your best friend." There was another that said, "Nothing has ever felt so right and true and good." There was another that said it was all happening too fast, and another that just wanted to stop thinking altogether and fling my arms around Quinn and hold her forever. I think that there must have been other sides, too, but i couldn't sort them all out.
"Santana," Quinn was saying, "Santana I- I've wondered. I mean, I wondered if this might be happening. Didn't you?"
I shook my head. But somewhere inside I knew that I had at least been confused. Quinn pulled her collar up around her throat and i wanted to touch her skin where the collar met it. It was as if I'd always wanted to touch her there but hadn't know it.
"It's my fault." Quinn said softly. "I- I've thought sometimes, even before i met you, i mean, that i might be gay." She said the word "gay" easily, as if it were familiar to her, used that way.
"No," I managed to say. "No- it's not anyone's fault." I know that underneath my numbness I felt that it made sense about me, too, but i couldn't think about it, or concentrate on it. Not then.
Quinn turned around and looked at me with a sadness in her eyes that made me want to wrap my arms around her.
"I'll go," she said, standing up. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't think you want this, so i have hurt you, and Oh God, San," she said, touching my face, "I didn't mean to. I like you so much. I told you, you make me feel real. More real than i ever thought i could, after Beth. You make me want so much more for myself. I- I used to have dreams, Santana. In high school, i dreamt of leaving Lima with the perfect boyfriend. And then i got pregnant. After i had Beth, she was my dream. And then she wasn't because, who am I, Santana, if i am not her mom? I gave birth to her, and i love her like she's mine, but she calls another woman 'Mommy', she doesn't even really know me. How are you supposed to go back to a simple college dream after that? How are you, god, how are you even whole?"
"Fuck, Quinn."
"You make me feel more alive, Santana. When I'm with you, I feel like all those little holes in my heart are starting to close. But it's not even that, it's…"
"Better than all those white birds?" I said, around the ache in my throat again. "Because you're better than anyone or anything for me, too, Quinn. After Brittany, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to love anyone again. I've spent these last few months in New York tangled up in knots and it took two seconds with you to straighten me out. You're better than- oh I don't know, better than everything. But that's not what i want to be saying- you, you're- Quinn, I think I love you."
I heard myself say those words as if I were someone else, but the moment the words were out, i knew more than i've ever known anything that they were true.