Chapter One
The suit that Sawamura was wearing, felt unnecessary. It felt uncomfortable. It felt wrong. He stared at his reflection and he couldn't believe that who he was seeing looking back at him. The once fire in his golden lion eyes was dull and foggy with the blackest bags under them. His face was beginning to have a five o'clock shadow. All prickly and rough. His tan skin was paler. His torso, slimmer, almost to the point of seeing ribs. It reminding him of when he had the yips.
Just years before, he was the healthiest and happiest man alive. A new and upcoming baseball player. All because of his catcher by his side. His partner.
Sawamura sucked in his lower lip and ran his teeth over it, he had to stop thinking like that. He no longer played baseball, and to remember the past is too painful now. Especially, when they were filled with memories of him.
The golden eyed boy ran his hand through his brown hair to try and make it look tamed but to no avail. He sighed and turned away from the stranger in the mirror.
He gazed into the apartment that was a mess as if a tornado swept through the entire place and whipped everything around. He tripped over some alcohol bottles and cursed under his breath.
He was angry. Angry at himself for letting himself fall this much. Angry for his very early retirement. Angry that he was going today. And angry because of how empty he felt. Empty because he left him to feel like this, knowing that he'd never heal.
The funeral was all a blurry in his mind. The room filled with sniffles and choked sobs. The air was almost suffocating.
Sawamura just stayed by the entrance of the temple not having the strength to walk more in to face the truth. The truth that Miyuki Kazuya was dead.
"Eijun-kun?" Haruichi touched the middle of his friend's back knowing that he needed to tread lightly. "Let's go sit. The mass should be starting soon."
Sawamura just nodded and let Haruichi lead him to a seat near the back. Smart given that Sawamura was two seconds from bolting out the doors. He couldn't take this atmosphere. The air filled with grief that Miyuki was gone and was never coming back no matter how much they would want him to.
Sawamura really didn't believe today was real. He was waiting for Miyuki to burst through the doors with that smirk and him laughing about how everyone looked and how easy it was to fool them all. Then Kuramoichi would hit him repeatedly and Sawamura would just cry from joy and run into his arms and hold him tight. Because he would be alive.
But this wasn't a prank that Miyuki planned. Sawamura knew that somewhere in his heart. He knew because he was the one to find him. He was the one to hold him in his arms as Miyuki's life faded. Sawamura pleaded and begged and sobbed for Miyuki to not leave him, that he loved him, but by the time the medics arrived it was too late.
Haruichi just took his hand in his and squeezed lightly. Satoru looked at Haruichi then at their old friend. Sawamura just stared ahead as the head of the temple came into view at the front of the room.
"If everyone may be seated we will begin. Let's start with a prayer."
Everyone joined in. Sawamura didn't. He didn't have the energy.
Sawamura decided to look around the room at how many people were at Miyuki, his boyfriend's, funeral. And to his surprise, it wasn't that many. Just a little over twenty people were present.
Soon enough the room faded into silence, or as silent as it can with people sniffing back tears. And people began to come up to speak their eulogies right in front of your body.
It was then that Sawamura took in account of the love of his life in the box. He looked like he always did but faker. The makeup they did to make his corpse look alive couldn't fool Sawamura when he mesmerized every feature of that face especially when Miyuki would fall asleep.
The first to come up was Coach Kataoka. He spoke of how great it was to have you as a member of Seido and how much potential you had and how it is sad that the world couldn't see more of it. When he was finished, he bowed and sat back in his seat.
Sawamura sank to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest. He couldn't do this after all. It was getting so hard to breathe in the temple and he felt so hot. He just clenched his eyes shut and buried his head in his knees, tears freely streaming down his cheeks.
'Why did you have to leave me, Kazuya? You could've at least have taken me with you.'
A few unknowns came up to speak about you, Sawamura just assumed they were either family or neighbors. Miyuki was never very open about his home life. Or anything really that related to his past.
Then a distraught Rei came to the front. Her eyes were swollen and red and her cheeks were still wet. She spoke of how you two first met and how close you two seemed to have gotten. She stated that she felt like Miyuki was like a son to her when she could never have children of her own and then she fell to her knees and sobbed hard in front of everyone. Kataoka had to come up and pick her up off the floor. Adjusting her classes, they walked back to their seats.
Kuramoichi then came up and it was hard for Sawamura to see his Senpai so hurt. His speech was less gentle, talking on all the pranks he pulled on him and all of his teasing that drove him crazy. But he was just yelling at one point, yelling at him to just stop fooling around and get up already. Ryosuke had to come up and drag him away and out of the room.
Sawamura just shrank more into himself, his human ball that he was becoming was in so much pain. 'Just make it stop. Make it go away. Just end. Please come back, Kazuya. You know I can't do this.'
But to his surprise, Chris stood and walked with something between his arm. Eyes widening, Sawamura lifted himself up and sat back in his seat.
Chris went on a story of how he saw great potential in Miyuki and how his one regret was that he couldn't compete for the first string catcher spot fairly when they went to Seido.
When he finished, he turned toward Miyuki and presented a catcher's mitt and placed it in the casket with him. When he turned toward the rest of the room, he wiped away a tear from his eye and walked toward his father.
For a long minute, no one moved. Then, with weak legs, Sawamura stood. He was shaking so bad. He moved to the aisle way and for a moment it looked blurry and he stumbled.
Haruichi moved to help him but he shook him off muttering that he was fine.
Finally getting closer to the front, to his boyfriend, it was so unreal.
Miyuki Kazuya's body, dressed in a suit that he would probably have never worn by choice in life was perfectly pressed. His hands folded on top of one another. And his face. The glasses were perfect on his face that cast a slight shadow on his cheeks.
Sawamura placed his hand on top of Miyuki's. Cold. Just what he expected yet that didn't stop his heart to drop because this was very much real.
"I just need a minute," Sawamura didn't even look at the rest of them. "I'm going to tell them our story, Kazuya. I hope that's alright. But the intimate memories, I'll keep those with me. I know that is selfish of me, but you always said that I was selfish when it came to baseball and you, right?" His golden eyes glazed over and he leaned in and lightly ghosted his lips over Kazuya's and it didn't feel the same. It didn't feel like him. This wasn't his Kazuya. So cold and no emotion. "I love you."
He finally turned to the crowd and his hand needed to grab something. He wanted nothing more than to hide behind the podium, but he wouldn't. His and Kazuya's story needed to be open and expressed without hiding. His nails began digging into his palms instead.
"Ugh, I'm Sawamura Eijun. I am-," he corrects himself, "was Kazuya's boyfriend." Some faces in the crowd turned into shock and some into disgust and some just stayed neutral.
"I met Kazuya when Rei took me to Seido for a scouting visit and I would have never predicted on how that chance meeting would change my life forever. That was where our history began.
I wasn't very good, I was just a stupid kid with big dreams and an even bigger mouth with no skill to back my words up. With help from people I got better and slowly, I felt I was getting closer and becoming more reliable to everyone especially Kazuya.
But with an accident in my pitching during a game, I got the yips and it felt like my world was ending. But with the help of Chris-senpai I worked at it and soon I was almost over it.
I came to Seido to be with Kazuya. For him to catch my pitches and form a battery with me. I guess it was selfish of me.
When Kazuya got hurt, I thought my world was going to end. But what hurt more was that it felt like he couldn't trust the team or me to tell us that he was hurt.
And when Kazuya graduated, I thought that the short times we formed a battery wasn't enough but he needed to experience so much more. His talent would take him places I could never dream of.
And so, being the lovesick idiot that I was, I followed him to college," Sawamura chuckled a little, "I can remember the look on his face when he heard my voice and looked up and saw me.
And then we actually formed a battery. I was so happy but I was also selfish. I pushed myself on him, ambushing him with my feelings and at first, he wasn't ready but over time we became more.
But he was so scared. He was always a private man. Wearing a mask to protect himself from the world. But he was his true self with me and we were happy.
But I should have known better because by our second year in university, someone found out about us and I guess he couldn't take the ridicule and judgment. It was all my fault. I should have never fallen in love with him," Sawamura bows to everyone and he sobs harder, "I'm so sorry that my selfishness took the greatest catcher from us. Please forgive me."
Haruichi bolted up and ran to his friend and pulled him into a hug where the sobs grew louder and turned into wails and silent screams. "Shh Eijun-kun." Pushing them forward, he took Eijun back to their seats.
The head of the temple came to the front again and said his thanks to everyone for coming and for their stories and that they'd bury Miyuki tomorrow.
Tomorrow. Another day for Sawamura to be alone with his thoughts and a reminder that Kazuya was gone. Forever.
After everyone was leaving. Kuramochi, Ryousuke, Haruichi, Satoru, Chris, and Eijun all stood together in a circle.
"I need a drink," Kuramochi muttered as he loosened his tie. "Let's go to a bar."
Everyone nodded their agreement and they all found a table at a nearby bar.
Though everyone at the table was sad for the loss of their friend, they decided to try and celebrate the life of Miyuki Kazuya by drinking to his memory.
"To our loving friend and teammate, Miyuki," Chris raised his bottle of beer and everyone raised theirs to his and clinked them together.
"Cheers!"
Everyone drank, but Sawamura gulped all of his beer down.
The brunette ordered something stronger. He wanted to feel numb. He wanted to feel nothing. He wanted to forget. He wanted to remember.
After awhile, Sawamura couldn't remember how many drinks he had and he honestly didn't care. He felt fuzzy and his chest and throat had a slight burn but he could still feel Kazuya's presence. He could remember sweet lips, how they tasted and felt. He could remember those lips smirking and laughing and moaning.
"Kun. Eijun-kun?" A voice broke through the memory and Haruichi's face was there. "Let's get you home."
Sawamura didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go to the apartment that held all the memories of his and Kazuya's hopes and dreams and memories.
"No," he groaned. His head was splitting and the room was spinning and he needed to throw up.
"We will get going. Please make sure to take care of him." Chris said to Haruichi as he, Ryousuke and Satoru left from the table the exit.
"Hey, get up you idiot. It's time to go home!" Kuramochi's face came into view and grabbed the collar of his dress shirt and yanked him from the chair at the table.
Sawamura swayed and almost tumbled over but Kuramochi placed his arm over his head and shoulders and grabbed the ex-pitchers side and walked toward the door.
"You can go home. I got him, Haruichi." Kuramochi turned his head toward the pink-haired boy. He knew that Haruichi worried about Sawamura.
Haruichi gathered his things, "please take care of him." And he walked out.
The world was a Tilt-A-Whirl, spinning and moving but Sawamura felt his legs were becoming more stable.
"I..can walk," he slurred and he lurched to the side and gagged. Kuramochi huffed in annoyance and stopped to the side of the street as Sawamura threw up everything in his stomach.
Kuramochi patted his back. It was odd for him to act so gentle toward his old kohai. But he did feel protective of this boy. An old roommate.
"You need to take better care of yourself, idiot. Miyuki is not here to do that for you anymore." He regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth.
Sawamura bolted straight up as tears pooled in his eyes again. 'Fuck.'
"You think I don't know that! I lost the love of my life. He died in my fucking arms, bastard. Of course, I know he's not here anymore."
Sawamura turned and started to run, but his running was more stumbling and Kuramochi ran after him.
"Wait, idiot."
When Sawamura turned to cross, he didn't notice the cars coming and Kuramochi ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Reaching for the drunk idiot.
"SAWAMURA!"
All that Eijun noticed was the blaring sound of a car horn and blinding lights then everything went black.