Great Uncle Johnny (rated TV-14)
Loud House Kitchen
Lynn Sr. and Rita are eating breakfast
Lynn Sr's phone rings, he answers
Lynn Sr.: Uh, hello? Uncle Johnny! I haven't heard from you in 15 years! How's it going?
You what? Nah-ah? Really? Two million dollars, that's how much you won? Holy sh*bleep*!
That's awesome!... Oh really? You'd like to come share some of that money?
Rita looks at Lynn Sr. with a suspicious look
Lynn Sr.: Five hundred thousand dollars? Oh, absolutely! Any deal you want to sign with me, I'd gladly sign for that much money! Well, see ya when you get here, Uncle Johnny! Love ya!
Lynn hangs up
Rita: Uh, what the hell did you guys discuss?
Lynn Sr: Rita, that was my Uncle Johnny!
Rita: Uncle who?
Lynn Sr.: Uncle Johnny! Remember him, the Roulette King of the Midwest, whom moved to Vegas 15 years ago? He won a two million dollar jackpot, and he wants to give five hundred thousand of it to us!
Rita: What, five hundred thou-
Lynn Sr.: Think about it, Rita, think about all we could do with all that money!
Rita: Gee, I don't know…
Lynn Sr.: I'm accepting that money either way, so don't nag me on this one!
Rita: Alright, fine Lynn. After all, I could maybe use a pool and a massage table…
Lynn Sr: See, Rita? Since when is five hundred thousand dollars ever a bad thing?
Five days later
Lynn Sr., Lori, Leni, Luna, Lincoln, Lana, and Lola are all watching Rock music videos on TV
Doorbell rings
Lynn Sr: I'll get it! *answers the door, it's a tall man in a pimp suit, no hat, and white frosty hair*
Uncle Johnny!
Johnny: Lynn! *the two hug* My favorite nephew!
Lynn Sr: So how's 70 treatin' ya?
Johnny: In Vegas, 70 is the new 30! I'm the new Hefner!
Lori: Oh God, this is my great uncle? Wow, I'm ashamed.
Johnny: "Walks in* what are these kids watching?
Luna: We're watching Rockin' music videos! It was my idea!
Johnny: Rock? This is garbage!
Luna: Hey!
Johnny; *Grabs remote* Here, here's some real music!
*changes it to a station playing Frank Sinatra*
Luna: What the hell?!
Lola: I like this music! *Walks up to Johnny* I like you, Great Uncle Johnny! You're cool!
Johnny: Aw, thanks sweetheart! So how old are you?
Lola: *Holds up six fingers* Six!
Johnny: Six? Right on! How many of you live in this house?
Lola: Well, there's me, my twin sister Lana, my big sisters Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, my little sisters Lisa and Lily, and my brother Lincoln…*points to Lincoln as she finishes*
Johnny: Wait… This family has ten girls, yet only one boy?
Lola: That's right!
Johnny: And he's the only boy, right? Funny, first thought that was a dude as well *points to Luna*
Luna: What the hell?! Dad, this asshole's obviously being disrespectful, aren't you going to say anything?
Lincoln: Why is he even here anyways, dad? We've never met this clown until today, why now did you invite him over to talk trash about our family, get him out of here!
Lynn Sr.: Kids, kids, listen. Your Great Uncle Johnny is a gambler who lives in Vegas...
Lori: So what, is that something to be proud of? You've taught us our whole lives to avoid gambling, why now are you embracing a gambler?
Lynn Sr: Now you see kids, your Great Uncle Johnny just recently won two million dollars in a casino, and he's giving five hundred thousand of it to us!
Everyone's frowns turn into smiles, positive chatter among the siblings erupts
Johnny: *grabs contract* I'd like something in return though… *hands Lynn Sr. a pen*
Lynn Sr.: *excited to sign* Oh absolutely, I'd give anything, what is it you'd like? The TV, the paintings, anything in the backyard*
Johnny: *lays down the contract* I want the kids, except for baby Lily.
Lynn Sr.: Deal! *signs contract* Wait, what did I just do?
The kids all gasp
Johnny: According to the contract, you've just given custody of 10 of your children to me in exchange for the five hundred grand. The kids are all now mine, except for your baby Lily, you can keep just her.
Lori's eye's start to get angry
Lori: You're giving custody of us to this egocentric asshole? WHAT THE F*bleep*ING HELL, DAD?!
Lynn Sr.: Now, uh, calm down Lori, calm down, I, uh, I, just made a little mistake, that's all, hehehe…
Lori: A LITTLE MISTAKE?! A LITTLE MISTAKE?! *grabs a wooden plank, starts hitting her father repeatedly with it* F*bleep* YOU DAD! F*bleep* YOU!
Rita: What the f*bleep*ing hell is going on?!
Lori: DAD SOLD US TO LIVE WITH GREAT UNCLE JOHNNY!
Rita: He WHAT?! *grabs another plank, joins Lori in hitting Lynn Sr. with the planks* YOU"RE A STUPID F*bleep*! YOU HEAR ME?! A STUPID F*bleep*!
Leni, Luna, Lincoln, and Lana cuddle close together
Lisa, Lucy Lynn, and Luan holding Lily walk downstairs to see the comotion
Lola stands there watching with a smile on her face
A few days later, at the airport terminal departing to Las Vegas
The entire Loud household plus Johnny is there, everyone's sad except for Johnny and Lola
Lori: So, I guess this is it! I didn't even get to say goodbye to Bobby! *texts*
Lola: Well, mommy, we're gonna miss you, but alas, luxury awaits me in Vegas!
Lana: Mommy, please don't let Great Uncle Johnny make us go!
Rita: *holding Lily* Oh, baby, I wish I could, but I can't! *hugs Lana and Lola, as all the other siblings line up to hug her, with Lori in the back*
Lynn Sr.: Do I get a hug?
Lori: Don't even talk to us, dad! Just go f*bleep* off!
Lynn Sr.: Well, sorry!
Johnny: Well kids, the planes about to be departing, let's all hop aboard!
the Loud kids all enter the terminal into the plane after waving goodbye to their mother
The plane leaves Michigan, later lands in Las Vegas, Nevada
Walking through the Las Vegas terminal, the kids all get a glimpse of the casinos
Johnny: Now, kids, these here are casinos! This is how I made all that money!
Lola: This place is beautiful! Look at all the gold!
Lori: Lola, let me give you some advice, okay? Gambling is bad, gambling is a no-no, Great Uncle Johnny is teaching us all no-no things, okay?
Johnny: Lola, don't listen to your sister, okay, she doesn't know what she's talking about. I've been gambling for fifty years, and that's how I became successful.
Lola: Cool! I want to be a gambler when I grow up!
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lincoln *together*: LOLA NO!
Lori: Are you seriously encouraging delinquent behavior to my little sister, you f*bleep*tard?!
Johnny: Hey, watch the language, young lady! Anyways, we're now about to exit, the Limo is waiting for us!
They all exit the airport, and then see the Limo
Lola gets excited to ride in the Limo, Johnny is happy, the rest all keep a stern face
They all get in the Limo
Johnny: Kids, this is what it's like to ride in a luxurious Limousine! Cool, ain't it!
Lola: I like it in here! I feel like a rich person!
Johnny: You are a rich person now! I have one million five thousand of my two million dollars won at the jackpot kept after the offer I made with your father!
The limo arrives at the small mansion home
The kids all exit from the limo
Johnny: Kids, this is your new home!
Lori: I'm not going in there…
Johnny: What? Yes you are! You got no where else to go!
Lori: I'm eighteen years old, I don't need to live with you, I'm gonna find my own way!
Johnny: You're dead broke, bitch, you can't afford a place to stay, what are you gonna do, live homeless, out in Vegas?!
Lori: Rather do that than live with you!
Lincoln: Lori, please, no!
Lori: Sorry Link, but I cannot live with this man. Just stick together with your sisters, I'll do what I can to make enough money to buy my own place and adopt you all out of this man's custody!
Johnny: Oh, and how are you gonna do that?! You're under twenty-one, no casino will let you gamble, so what the hell are you gonna do?!
Lori: *strips down to her underwear* I'll earn money from the boys! *walks over to a taxicab* Taxi driver, are you horny tonight?
Taxi Driver: Uh, uh, yes! I am very horny, get in! *opens door*
Lori: *gets in* These goods ain't free, it's gonna cost ya 20 bucks for a one night stand!
Taxi Driver: Oh, absolutely, I'll give you your money! *drives away with her*
The rest of the Loud kids look in awe as Lori rides away with the Taxi Driver for sex
Johnny: Well, kids, your big sister is a whore, now come on inside!
Everyone heads inside, as Johnny shows everyone around, including to their bedrooms
The next morning, as Leni, Luna, and Lincoln eat breakfast at the bar stool as Johnny's Vinyl Record Player plays Frank Sinatra. Johnny then walks in on them
Johnny: Good morning, crew! How are you kids doing this morning?
Leni, Luna, and Lincoln flip Johnny the middle finger, Johnny then hits all three of them on the back of the head
Johnny: Hey, that is no way to treat your Great Uncle Johnny, I'm the man of the house, you guys are the kids!
Leni: Just get away from us, Johnny! We hate you! You ruined our lives in a small matter of days, just let us be!
Johnny: Did I ruin your lives, or did Lynn Sr. and Rita ruin your lives?!
Leni, Luna, Lincoln *together*: You did!
Johnny: Oh, blame me! Hey, you should be grateful for me, I moved you guys from a dumpy old house in the Midwest to this beautiful little mansion out here in Sin City!
Luna: You know what, Johnny, I always did want to live in Las Vegas, but not like this!
Lincoln: What do you even want with us anyways?!
Johnny: I want to teach you kids class.
Luna: Class?! Like greeting me by telling me I look like a boy?!
Johnny: I wanna make sure you don't look like a boy. *hands Leni and Luna poodle skirts, hands Lincoln a black tuxedo* Change into these!
Leni: I don't wanna-
Johnny: *smacks Leni harder on the back of the head* CHANGE… INTO YOUR SKIRT!
Luna: Where? You're not gonna watch us like a pedophile, are you?
Johnny: There's a bathroom right there. Leni, you go first…
Leni, hesitantly, walks up with the skirt and heads inside to change, then heads out after five minutes
Johnny: Now you go Luna!
Luna walks with the skirt into the bathroom, and quickly changes and then comes out
Johnny: Now you go, Lone Boy!
Lincoln walks in with the suit and changes into it quickly, then comes out, as his sisters smile at him and Johnny nods at him
Johnny: Good, good! *makes a phone call* The Limousine is coming to pick us up shortly, we're going to The Flamingo at the strip for you three to practice at an empty stage.
Luna: What are we practicing? Frank Sinatra?!
Johnny: No, you'll be singing Motown, you'll be singing Jackson 5. Lincoln will be singing the main part of the song, Leni and Luna you'll sing the backup vocals.
Leni: Guys, as much as I hate our great uncle, I'm actually kind of excited about this...
Luna: Me too! Well, a rock duet, but I think Jackson 5 will be cute as well, who knows, maybe Linky will be the new King of Pop!
Lincoln starts blushing, Johnny then gets a phone call he answers
Johnny: Hello? Okay, we'll be out there. *hangs up* Kids, the limo is here, lets go!
The four of them then head outside to the Limo and all get in
Johnny: Alright, here's the deal. My buddies Mario and Giovanni are gonna meet us inside the establishment. They're gonna interview all three of you, then when they are done, you three go up on stage. We got a projector and a white screen behind the second row of chairs, that's where we will display the words, whatever is in red will be sung by Lincoln solely, whatever is in green will be sung by Leni and Luna, whatever is in blue will be sung by all three of you, got it?
Leni: Yes!
Luna: Uh-huh!
Lincoln: Absolutely!
The limo arrives at The Flamingo, the four all exit, and head inside, walking passed all the gambling, hookers, and drinkers
Leni: Yuck! This place is disgusting!
Johnny: Ah, you'll get used to it!
The four then reach the auditorium, where they then meet Mario and Giovanni
Mario: Yo, Johnny, who are these kids?
Johnny: Let them introduce themselves… starting with her *points to Leni*
Leni: Oh, uh, hi, my name is Leni, and, uh...
Johnny then points to Luna
Luna: My name is is Luna.
Johnny then points to Lincoln
Lincoln: My name is Lincoln!
Johnny: He's gonna be the star of the show, his sisters will sing the backup vocals.
Giovanni: Ah, how cute, a brother-sister group, but who the hell is gonna wanna see this?
Johnny: Who the hell was gonna wanna see the Jackson 5?
Giovanni: Good point, Johnny. Alright kids, on stage!
Leni, Luna, and Lincoln walk up on stage, Johnny then walks up to Vinyl Player
Johnny: And… action! *plays background music to "I Want You Back"*
Johnny then sits down in first row, as the projector then turns the lyrics on
Lincoln: *singing* When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around, those pretty faces always made you stand out in the crowd… But someone took you from the bunch with a glance was all it took, now it's much too late for me…
Leni, Luna, Lincoln *together: *singing* To take a second look!
Lincoln: Oh, baby, give me one more chance…
Leni, Luna *together*: Show you that I love you!
Lincoln: Won't you please take me…
Leni, Luna *together*: Back to your heart!
Lincoln: Oh, darling I was blind to let you go…
Leni, Luna *together*: Let you go baby!
Lincoln: But now since I see you in his arms!
Leni, Luna *together*: I want you back!
Lincoln: Yes I do now…
Leni, Luna *together*: I want you back!
Lincoln: Ooh, ooh, baby!
Leni, Luna *together*: I want you back!
Lincoln: Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Leni, Luna, *together*: I want you back!
Lincoln: Nah, nah, nah, nah!
Leni, Luna, Lincoln *together*: I want you back!
Johnny, Mario, and Giovanni start clapping
Mario: Johnny, this is a hit! You've got yourselves a new set of stars!
Johnny: Thanks, Mar, I tried my best to make them look good!
Giovanni: Leni, Luna, Lincoln, you guys are the new Vegas Jackson 5! We'll call you the Loud 3, how about that?
Johnny: Call them LoudHouse 3, Loud by itself doesn't sound right.
Giovanni: Okay, LoudHouse 3, got it!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion
Luan and Lynn are trying to bust open Johnny's fireproof box
Luan: *hits the box* Break open, dammit!
Lynn: Sh*bleep*, this thing is bullet proof!
Lisa walks in with a pin and string
Lisa: Allow me! *puts the string inside the keyhole, gets it unlocked, it opens*
Luan: Wow… *digs through the papers, finds three passports, one for USA, one for Macau, one for Monaco, pulls them out*
Lynn: Three passports, already, how was he able to afford these, he just barely won the two million jackpot!
Lisa: Let me see them! *views them* These don't say the same person, guys!
Luan, Lynn *together*: What?!
Lisa: The American one says John Robert Loud, the Monacan one reads Jon Louvier, the Macauan one reads Jin Lou. Also, the date of births are different. The American one reads 2-16-1947, the Monacan one reads 4-20-1947, and the Macauan one reads 12-18-1946. Yet… the photos… are all of Johnny… exactly the same person on all three of them...
Lynn: *Reaches for three tax returns* Oh my god, the tax returns all have different names and Date of Births too, the same exact ones on the passports!
Luan: We should use this information to bust Johnny. He's ripped our family apart, tore us apart from our parents and our baby sister Lily, I say we get back at him!
Lisa: I'll put the passports and the tax returns in my pocket, let's call the cops right now before he finds out!
Later that night, out on the Vegas strip
Lori is standing by the street in a sportbra and shorts waiting for a pick up
Lori: Twenty bucks for a one night stand! I'll do whatever you like, whatever you're into… I'll…
Pimp walks up
Pimp: Bitch, where's my money?!
Lori: What the f*bleep*, you're not my pimp, I don't have a pimp, this money I'm making is for my family, not for you!
The pimp slaps Lori with his hand covered in rings
Pimp: Pay me up, bitch!
Lori runs away from the pimp, eventually runs to the Flamingo, see's a sign outside that reads "Come see the LoudHouse 3"
Lori: LoudHouse 3?... Something sounds fishy… I need to see this…
Lori walks in, pays up, and goes into the auditorium, mostly filled with families
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of the Jackson 5, we present to you, the LoudHouse 3!
Curtains come down, Lori then sees Leni, Luna, and Lincoln on stage
Lori: *gasps* It, it, it, it can't be!
Lincoln: *singing* You and I must make a path, we must bring salvation back, where there is love, I'll be there… I reach out my hand to you, I'll have faith in all you do, just call my name, and I'll be there…
Leni, Luna, Lincoln *together*: *singing* I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you…
Lori starts tearing up, cries tears of joy throughout the whole show
Later, the show ends, to applause
Lori: *stands up to a sitting crowd* Leni! Luna! Lincoln! I love you!
Leni, Luna, Lincoln *together*: Lori? *the three walk up to her to hug her*
Luna: What are you doing here, Lori?
Lori: That's what I ought to ask you, since when did you three learn to compose such a beautiful performance?
Johnny: It was my idea!
The four siblings turn over to Johnny, angrily at him
Johnny: Well, well, well, Lori, haven't we missed you! *grabs walkie talkie* Dismiss the audience, this may get ugly!
Mario and Giovanni ring fire alarm, everyone leaves except them, Johnny, and the four siblings
Lori: Are you trying to make money off of my siblings?!
Johnny: What, you said you loved the performance!
Lori: I did, they have talent, but their talent should not be for your business, asshole!
Johnny: Too bad, you left them to become a whore!
Lori: To raise money so I can buy a house and have them move in with me!
Johnny: How much money have you made so far?
Lori: Three hundred and sixty dollars…
Johnny: Well, good luck with that plan, you're gonna fail.
Mario and Giovanni walk up
Mario: Ah, Johnny, is this another sibling?
Johnny: Yes, yes it is!
Giovanni: Maybe we can use her to update the group to the LoudHouse 4.
Lori: Listen here you f*bleep*ing thugs, let my siblings go, I will not stand by while you try to make them into your cash cows!
Lori then tries to hit Johnny, but her arms are then grabbed by Mario and Giovanni, as Johnny then puts his arm over Lori and holds a gun by her ear
Mario then puts his arm around a distracted Leni and also puts a gun to her ear, and Giovanni does the same to a distracted Luna
Lincoln watches in horror as his sisters are being taken captive
Meanwhile, back at the mansion
Some FBI officers knocks at the door
Lynn: I'll answer it! *opens door*
Officer: Hello, this is the FBI, we have a warrant to inspect the premises.
Lisa: Just in time! Good evening officer! I have something something here that I think you'll find very interesting… *hands them the passports and tax returns*
Later
Officer: Three identities from three different countries, three different sources of income, he owns stakes from casinos in all three of these countries… this qualifies Mr. John Roger Loud as an international criminal. Thank you, miss Lisa Loud, for reporting this to us, you're a brave young girl and we're so thankful for you. Do you by chance know where this man is at the moment?
Lisa: I've overheard this morning he was taking my brother and two of my sisters to The Flamingo… he hasn't come back since, and that was thirteen hours ago.
Officer: Thank you for letting us know. Guys, he's at The Flamingo, let's go get him!
Meanwhile, at The Flamingo
Johnny, Mario, and Giovanni are still holding Lori, Leni, and Luna, respectively, captive in front of Lincoln
Johnny: You know, Lincoln, I took you and your sisters into my custody, I'm trying to make you successful, even give some dough to you and your sisters, but you show no respect…
Lincoln: Please, just let them go! I'll do whatever you'd like me to do!
Johnny: Oh, no, I'm not gonna shoot them… you are…
Johnny hands Lincoln the gun, and holds Lori down in a front row seat
Mario and Giovanni, while still holding Leni and Luna captive, point their guns at Lincoln
Johnny: Either you shoot her, or they'll shoot you…
Lori: *crying* Lincoln, just shoot me, please, your life is worth a lot more than mine! Please, don't get yourself killed!
Johnny: You'll never be a man with these girls around, Lincoln. They have coddled you and treated you with puppy dog love all your life, and all the while you've always just embraced it. Well I'm here to change that, and the only way to change that is if you lose them…
Luna: *crying* Linky…
Leni: *crying* We love you!
Johnny: Time's running out, Lincoln, either you make your decision, or we'll make it for you…
Mario and Giovanni put their fingers on the trigger
Lincoln then holds his gun up
Lincoln: Johnny, you're my great uncle, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the family again. Ever.
Lincoln then crackshots bullets at Johnny, Mario, and Giovanni in under 2 seconds
Mario and Giovanni die, Johnny survives but is seriously injured, the sisters are unscaved
Leni: Linky!
Lori: You saved us!
The three sisters surround their brother for a group hug
Johnny grabs a gun and gets up
Johnny: I'm not finished yet!
FBI and Las Vegas Police officers bust in
FBI Officer: Police! Nobody Move! Hands up Johnny Loud!
Johnny puts his hands up as he is then handcuffed
An officer holds up Johnny's passports and taxes to his face
Police Officer: John Roger Loud, will he have some interesting discussions about your passports and taxes when we get back to the station. Get him out of here guys!
Two FBI officers take Johnny out with them
The police officer then looks at the four Loud siblings
Police Officer: You kids okay?
All four nod, the officer smiles back
Everyone in the auditorium leaves the building, Johnny is taken into the back of an FBI van, the four Loud siblings are taken into an ambulance
Meanwhile, the other 6 Loud siblings are shown getting in a Taxicab back at the mansion
One week later, the Loud siblings are shown getting off a plane entering a terminal in Michigan, where they reunite with their parents and baby sister Lily with hugs
The End