Title: If By Bad, You Mean...
Summary: Humor/Parody inspired by a line in Phineas & Ferb that was clearly just meant for Dr. McCoy.
Genre: Humor/Parody (okay, basically crack)
Rating: T (McCoy cusses - it's not my fault his favorite word is 'dammit')
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, but if I did Phineas & Ferb would do a Star Trek parody - can't you just see Phineas as Kirk and Ferb as Spock?
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"If by bad, you mean we're stuck in the never-ending, icy cold, soul-sucking darkness of space, then, yeah."
- Phineas (Phineas & Ferb 'Out to Launch')
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It had been a boring stretch of mapping astrological oddities in a quiet sector of space. Captain James T. Kirk had tried to keep things interesting, but there were only so many odd ball schemes and plot devices that could employed at this point in the 23rd century since holodecks weren't yet standard equipment on starships. Even turning a semi-sapient platypus loose in various areas of the ship to terrorize Lt. Doofenschmirtz had lost its appeal.
The Captain looked at his first officer, sitting passively at his station. It had been weeks since Spock had had to invent a spur-of-moment solution for an end-of-life-as-we-know-it catastrophe or figure out how to create a high tech weapon from pre-industrial components. Kirk could tell that under that cool Vulcan exterior his XO was itching for something really interesting to happen. And so, when Kirk read the latest report from astrocartography, as big smile spread over his face.
"Mr. Spock, I know what we're going to do today."
The Vulcan's only response was to raise his eyebrows in interest.
"Tell Dr. McCoy to meet us in the shuttle bay. We've got an anomaly to investigate."
About the only person on the ship who hadn't been looking forward to some sort of excitement was Dr. Leonard McCoy, who figured that just keeping Jim Kirk from creating unnecessary havoc quite outside interstellar crises was excitement enough for him. Moreover, there were few things in the universe he hated more than travelling on shuttles. Unfortunately, one of those things was sending Jim off without medical supervision, so here he was about to climb aboard a boxy death trap to go hurtling into what he thought of as 'where no man had gone before because everyone else had had the sense to stay the hell away'.
"Bones, glad you could make it!" Jim beamed and slapped his friend on the back as they entered the shuttle.
"What damn idiocy are you dragging me along on this time?" McCoy groused.
"We are investigating an anomalous energy reading at the center of a nebula." Spock informed him.
"And for this we need the Captain, First Officer, and CMO?" Bones asked. "Shouldn't we be sending out, oh I don't know, some of the scientific personnel we have on the ship who specialize in this sort of thing?"
"Well, Spock is the science officer, so he should go. And even though the Captain isn't supposed to leave on missions, we might run into some gorgeous shaggable alien babe and I can't leave Spock to handle that. Uhura would never forgive me. And of course you're along in case the alien babe has a violent father or boyfriend, or in case we run into some weird space virus instead." Jim explained. "But it'll probably be just a fun little side trip. I mean, with the three of us to handle things, what could go wrong?"
"Yeah, what could possibly go wrong." McCoy muttered sarcastically as he took a seat. He was getting nauseous just thinking about it.
"Captain, the anomaly is coming into sensor range." Spock reported. As the data appeared on his screen, Spock's eyebrow shot up so quickly McCoy wondered if it might reach escape velocity. "We are experiencing a sudden power drain."
"Status, Spock." Kirk ordered.
"Power decreasing steadily, Captain. At this point we will not be able to make it back to the ship."
"Communications?"
"Something in the nebula is interfering. I cannot contact the Enterprise."
"What are our options?"
"Very few, Captain." Spock replied with uncalled for calm in a situation that ought to inspire at least a little panic. "We cannot return to the Enterprise, remaining power is insufficient even to bring us to the anomaly to investigate the source of the power drain and we have no means of signaling for help."
"Well, I guess you were right Bones." Jim admitted. "Maybe this little jaunt was a bad idea."
Bones glared. "If by bad, you mean we're stuck in the never-ending, icy cold, soul-sucking darkness of space, then, yeah."
"Chill out, Bones." Jim said with the confidence of someone who knew that no one on the shuttle was wearing red. "Something will turn up to get us out of this."
Almost on cue, Spock indicated his control panel. "I am receiving a transmission." His eyebrow rose again, but more slowly this time. "They are inquiring if we require a 'jump'."
"A jump?" Kirk asked.
"I believe it is a colloquialism of some sort. One could hope that it relates to restoring our power or returning us to a closer proximity to the Enterprise."
"Well, here's a thought: why don't you ask them?" Bones snarked.
Spock simply raised his eyebrow higher in response, but turned to the comm panel. "We would be most appreciative of any assistance relating to the restoration of our power supplies or transporting us beyond the nebula's subspace interference."
There was a long silence on the other end. They were probably working through a dictionary to try to figure out what Spock had said.
Bones rolled his eyes. "Our power's shot and we could use some help getting out of here." he barked into the comm.
"Well, why didn't you just so?" Someone replied from the other end. "We'll be right out to get you."
AN: I've watched and loved ST since TOS, but had to throw in some friendly jabs at some of the plot devices and stereotypes in TOS and TNG. My kids introduced me to Phineas&Ferb recently, and I love them. I've made a couple references to that show so far. Any suggestions for other necessary catch phrases ("yes, yes I am" will be in the next chapter) or things you'd like to see will be gladly accepted.