It's one thing to steer clear from anything and everything shunned by society; and yet another to run full force towards it. My life has been far from stable, with the areas of childhood and authority practically nonexistent when I needed them the most. I suppose then that it should have been expected that my sick, twisted mind would come to accept such unconventional ways to cope. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
It makes the pain go away.
Tendrils of hazy smoke escape from between my cracked lips and soar daintily towards the ceiling. I watch the distinct, almost invisible wisps rise above me, my head beginning to soar right along with them. Already I can feel time warping around me; the sounds and views coming from my window are slightly displaced from each other, as if a movie was playing out with the sound delayed by just a few moments. The numbness seeps through my muscles as my eyes close in this reverie. It doesn't help that the third glass of whiskey is running through my system full force, but this point, this feeling, is what I was searching for.
It makes the memories disappear.
Temptation for something more lingers in the back of my mind flirtatiously, but sleep is my priority for tonight. They say that one can always lead you to another, and another. Without control, without a proper state of mind - there is nothing else that is so true. "It's a gateway to worse" is what the ignorant said. They still had their lives in one piece. Certainly if that had been my case, I probably would be just as blind to the cruel realities of life. Some pathetic part of me almost wishes that that was my problem.
The rest of me says to have some more. And I do what I'm told without complaint.