Disclaimer: I own nothing, as per usual
AN: I don't know what it is with me getting random bouts of inspiration from songs. The whole situation with the brothers in this episode really got to me. I mean, even I felt betrayed by Sam. But somehow, I just don't believe those memories were true to him. And I felt like something must have followed suit. I wrote this quickly, and I don't quite know if I'm pleased with the outcome or not, but here it is.
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Sam observed the foliage outside his window turn into a green motion blur as the Impala sped forward. Normally, driving away with Dean after a hunt meant a new start. A blank page. A cathartic end to whatever turmoil they might have faced that week. This time, there was no driving away. Despite what he might have hoped, that much was made clear when Dean dropped his amulet into the garbage bin and didn't look back. Sam gripped it tightly in his pocket. That amulet- was in essence Sam himself. And he couldn't help but feel, that when Dean threw out his necklace, he'd thrown out Sam as well. Filled with self-loathing, Sam could hardly blame him. He was worthless after all. Still- to see Dean toss something he'd worn over his heart for twenty years, something that always signified their bond. Something that said, I'm here Dean, even when he wasn't. It hurt. He'd admit that to anyone. There was nothing more to it.
'Dean.' Sam tried again, his voice a quiet plea. 'Please, let me explain.'
Dean kept a determinedly straight face, his eyes expressionless, his jaw lax. It had been nearly two hours, and Dean had hardly uttered a word, effectively scaring Sam with his eerie calm. 'Dean!' Sam pressed desperately.
'For gods sake.' Dean muttered.
Sam was thrown backwards as the Impala skidded against the rode to a harsh halt. Dean pulled the keys out of the ignition in one swift motion and looked at Sam blankly, palpably unaffected by the fact that they were parked in the middle of the road. 'Fine. Explain.' He said tensely.
Sam tried to compose himself.
'Dean, I-' he paused, wracking his brain for the right words.
Right words. Who was he kidding. What words could fix this?
'Look- I know the memories I saw made you feel… hurt-'
'Hurt?' Dean interjected incredulously, his brows raised and his eyes accusatory. He ran his hand over his face and rested it on his chin. 'Hurt doesn't cut it Sam. Try betrayed.'
Sam felt his throat constrict, panic rising. His brother wasn't buying it, didn't believe that he was being earnest when he said, 'they meant nothing Dean. What I saw doesn't mean I love you less.' He urged. Normally Dean would have rolled his eyes. Retorted something along the lines of, 'I get enough lovin' from the ladies,' or, 'Can we raincheck what I'm sure would have been a beautiful heartfelt discussion?'
But instead Dean stared at him hard, and Sam was finding it difficult not to flinch under his steady gaze.
Dean closed his eyes and licked his lips. For a moment, he looked as if he was about to laugh. 'I can't do this Sammy. I really can't. I need some air.'
Sam followed Dean out of the car and onto the side of the road.
'Dean, honest,' he called after him, 'they didn't mean-'
'Stop!' Dean snapped, and Sam flinched. 'Stop Sam. Don't you dare say they didn't mean anything. Because they did.' Dean breathed heavily, 'They,' he said with particular detestation in his voice, 'were your happiest memories. Not me. Not Dad. Not your family. Strangers.' Dean's voice was cold, and his eyes surveyed Sam like he'd never really seen him until this moment.
'Dean, please.' Sam murmured, fearful that his voice would falter if he spoke any louder.
'And what really kills me Sam, what really kills me,' Dean continued, turning his back to his brother, 'is that I gave you everything I had. Everything.' His voice softened.
Sam felt a hot tear slide down his cheek and he could feel the heat radiating off his face in shame.
'I- I taught you how to ride a bike.' Dean said, almost disbelievingly, as if he'd just come to realize it. 'I taught you how to fight, and hell when you couldn't fight anymore I'd fight for you. I did my best Sam, I really did, but you just left. And I let you leave, because I knew that's what you wanted, but I thought you'd still-' his voice hitched, and Dean allowed himself to succumb to an emotion other than anger. 'I didn't know you'd cut me out completely. And then we started hunting together again. And I thought, maybe, just maybe, everything would go back to normal. And I thought it did. I sold my soul for you Sam. And instead of keeping it safe, you go and down demon blood because a demon told you to. I just- I don't know what to do Sam. I just don't. Why is nothing I do ever good enough? Why does everyone always leave? First you, then dad…'
Sam could see that Dean's eyes were wet, and that he was making a conscious effort to keep his face turned away from Sam.
'You were a damn good brother Dean.' Sam whispered fiercely.
Sam didn't know what to do. Of course Dean was right. He knew he was self righteous, he knew he was too proud for his own good, and he knew that he'd been selfish. But for God sakes, those weren't his best memories. He felt cheated, like someone set him up with the cruel intentions to thin the tearing tightrope Dean and him were already on. He loved Dean more than anyone else, including his own father, and to know that Dean stood in front of him thinking otherwise…
'Do you regret it?' He didn't know where it came from, but the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could filter them.
'What?' Dean turned around to face him.
'Do you regret it? Everything you've done for me. If you could… would you do it over?'
Dean smiled sadly. It was such a knowing smile, with no hesitation. He shook his head. 'Never Sammy. Never.'
And then Dean turned back to the Impala without another word and Sam watched him go.
His heart swelled suddenly, because he'd found the silver lining he was desperately searching for. Dean hadn't completely given up, not yet. And he'd have a chance to fix this. With time, he'd fix this.
Well there it is. What do you all think? Please let me know, because I don't even know what to think myself. I think I might re-write this whole scenario at a later time, but this is one of the ways I imagined it might have gone down.
Don't forget to review! I always reply
check out the 'sequel'
.net/s/6923597/1/I_Forgive_You
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