Fright At The Museum
an Aaaah! Real Monster fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Students love field trips but they are a source of endless hassles for the teacher who must guide the entire class through unfamiliar surroundings, enforce even more rules, and at the same time avoid all accidents, lest some angry parent threaten them with a lawsuit. I bet if it weren't for mandates, some teachers would just skip these events entirely.
If there was one thing the Gromble despised (and there were several) being told how to run HIS Academy was one of the worst offenders. But when the Board of Education made a decision, the Gromble -had- to comply. That was why Krumm was still in attendance on the basis of a merit scholarship (that was how Slickis had termed it, and nobody argued with a determined loomer) and why legacy children could get away with being insubordinate (in 210 years of teaching, only 1 student had ever told the Gromble "I hate you" and somehow lived to tell the tale.)
It was also why he had to stand up in front of the whole class and deliver this -charming- announcement. "Attention you misbegotten mongoloids! There's been a change in today's curriculum. In keeping with the Board Of Education's so-called WISDOM we will be going on a field trip." The Gromble intoned.
Ickis' paw rocketed into the air. "Yeah! We're going wave-ridin' in Powell Cove!" he declared.
"No, Master Ickis." the Gromble replied.
"Jamaica Bay? Hampstead Harbor? East Mill Basin? Or that old standby, the Hudson River? Heck, the puddle outside Wacky World will do in a pinch." Ickis opined.
"Yes, it's always been MY dream to go someplace where Master Ickis can show off in front of -everyone-." The Gromble noted sarcastically.
"Yours too? Wow, I never woulda guessed -we'd- have something in common! Do you like sci-fi conventions?" Ickis asked eagerly.
"I'm sure I don't even WANT to know what that IS. I'm taking the class to an -indoor- venue of historical importance." the Gromble clarified.
"Cooperstown?" guessed Ickis.
"Another display of public idiocy and -you'll- be left behind." the Gromble threatened.
"Really? I can watch the whole entire Academy all by my lonesome? I been thinking, maybe I -could- run it someday!" Ickis mused.
"Run it right into the ground." predicted the Gromble. "Ugh. As much as it pains me to say it, you'll HAVE to come with us for safe-keeping. Everyone, HUDDLE UP! You're to form groups of 3 so that no monster is EVER left unattended while we visit that most -splendorous- monument to monster achievement, the underground Goopenheim Museum."
"I heard that some really skanky places have indoor cesspools." Ickis offered.
"There are none!" snapped the Gromble.
"No, it's true. Oblina's mansion has 2 of them, an' they're both heated! It really makes you wonder why she keeps turning down swimming lessons when she's got the perfect training grounds right there, an' the perfect instructor lined up for her." Ickis noted.
"Because it's perfectly foolish." Oblina supplied. "Behave yourself, Icky. The Goopenheim is one of monsterdom's most culturally significant locales. I -don't- want a repeat of your shenanigans from my last attempt to add a little sophistication to your life."
"You can't still be mad about that! Lugo told me it was a 'very enjoyable experience' an' even Mister Skeech was clapping along at the end!" Ickis detailed.
"What was enjoyable?" wondered Krumm.
Oblina sighed. "Our little excursion to the Monster Fine Arts Auction." Oblina explained wearily. Ickis smiled at the memory.
"Ickis, since your father is out of town, and since the sight of you trying to read Beowulf by yourself is truly pathetic..." Oblina began.
"The part where the dragon destroys the vicious human instigators is our favorite." Ickis stubbornly insisted.
"Even when you've been on the same page for 12 minutes?" Oblina questioned.
"13. An' who's counting?" Ickis groused.
"You are, apparently." Oblina remarked. Ickis scowled at her. "If you would stop moping for the briefest of moments, Icky, you would realize that I am -trying- to invite you to the Monster Fine Arts Auction along with MY family." Oblina finished.
"You mean it? I could come someplace with a monster family?" Ickis asked in astonishment.
"I wouldn't have directed Lugo to transport us a couple city blocks out of his way or spend my time ARGUING with you for -several- minutes if I wasn't serious." Oblina explained.
"OBLINA! Aren't you done fraternizing with Moochy?" Sublima demanded.
"It's Ickis, Miz Sublima." Ickis corrected.
"Are you going to PAY for your seat Moochy? It's 200 toenails a guest." Sublima informed him.
Ickis grinned nervously. "Would you be willing to put it on my tab?" he wondered.
"Along with the 120 for new glasses? I s'pose it -could- be added to your charges." Sublima relented.
"Mumsy dearest! That was a gift! I promised him! And he is my GUEST at the auction, we have more than enough for 5 tickets!" Oblina objected.
"OBLINA! A true business-monster does not extend charity to her classmates! Particularly the ones of lower social standing!" snapped Sublima.
"I think it was charitable of you not to apply a compounded interest rate." Ickis piped up.
"What is that? Would it get me more toenails?" inquired Sublima.
"Absolutely, Miz Sublima!" Ickis acknowledged. "See with your standard interest rate the formula is I = Prt, where I is the total interest, p is the principal amount borrowed, r is the annual interest rate, an' t is the number of years borrowed! -Compound- interest on the other claw, is expressed as A = P (1 + r/n)^nt where A is the total amount owed, p is the principal, r is the interest rate, n is the number of times it's compounded during a year, an' t is the total amount of years it takes to pay off the debt! Cause he didn't keep up on the mortgage an' it was real damaged they charged Dad 6% interest to buy back an' rebuild our house, compounded quarterly for 2 years, that's fairly common practice."
"Lugo take a memo. Moochy will be the FIRST monster put on this new quarterly payment plan." Sublima detailed.
"Very good, Madame Sublima." Lugo accepted his duties graciously.
"So not fair! That means in three months, I'd go from owning you 120 toenails to 121.8! An' you'd only keep demanding more every time I missed a payment! I'd need my -own- book deal to get you off'a my case!" Ickis whined.
"You could write an extensive thesis on the times you should have kept your mouth shut, Master Ickis." Lugo offered.
Ickis glared at him. "You've had alot of influence in raising Oblina, haven't you?" Ickis realized.
"Mumsy dearest, please. There's no need to charge Ickis for -anything- I told you it was a gift! I'm entitled to make financial decisions, too." Oblina protested.
"Bliny makes an excellent point, dear. And we could use Ickis' suggestion to make a profit off other business ventures." Skeech added.
Ickis snickered. "I can't believe Mister Skeech calls you that bonsty name." he laughed.
"Slickis ruffles your fur. And he likes to tuck you in at night. And whenever you're tired you still call him 'Dah'. That's not even getting into the sponge, or the bedtime stories you long for, or the way you prefer drinking curdled milk from a BOTTLE." Oblina retorted.
"Shnookie would have just stopped at the first example an' called it even." Ickis pouted.
"I am NOT your Shnookie." Oblina insisted.
"Not with that attitude." Ickis observed sadly.
"Shall we go back to the rickshaw now? I've parked it close by." Lugo mentioned.
"Seriously, I just crawled through pipes to get to the Pulitzer Fountain in Central Park but sometimes I walk it. We're like 5 blocks from the Museum of Monstrous Art, it's directly below the human structure." Ickis stated.
Sublima shuddered. "I had no idea we'd traveled so far afield. No -wonder- I'm exhausted." she complained.
Oblina rolled her eyes. "Icky and I can go the rest of the way on foot. I need to explain to him about the way monsters are expected to act in these venues." attested Oblina.
"Do they sell Ultra Monster comics?" Ickis asked.
"I doubt it. They're more concerned with furniture, lahmps, antiquities, pottery, that sort of thing." Oblina described.
"I can make most of that junk! Maybe I could sell some of my paintings, pay off Miz Sublima." Ickis offered.
"You're not to pay Mumsy a single toenail. And I wouldn't recommend trying to auction any of YOUR paintings yet Icky. All of the artists whose works will be auctioned off today are dead, that's what drives the market up." Oblina told him.
Ickis was visibly shaken. "I'm holding on to my portfolio FOREVER." he vowed. "I'm not ready for -that- kind of notoriety."
"Let's hope you remember that the next time you come up with a dangerous stunt. Watch the road, Ickis!" Oblina scolded as she pulled him back before the traffic signal changed.
"I was gonna wait, honest!" Ickis insised.
"How did you even survive this long?" she wondered.
"Jus' lucky I guess. Dad says he called in a favor once, and alot of times he prayed for me." Ickis remembered.
"And you didn't heed that as a warning call?!" Oblina marveled.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it's broke, use a splint to help set the bones in place. Y'know I can dislocate my shoulder now whenever I feel like it!" Ickis demonstrated by twisting his arm backwards until a snap was heard. "Now, if you would jus' yank on it till there's an audible popping, we'd be in business!" Ickis detailed.
Oblina grimaced but did as instructed. "Ickis, I don't see how this helps anything." she admitted, as she tugged on Ickis' arm until the joints snapped back into place.
"Yeeow! That got it!" Ickis exclaimed. He waggled his arm back-and-forth. "Total flexibility. Balancing shoulder rotation with stability is most useful in a Sewerball pitcher, but Dad was already so good at that position, I couldn't compete. An' anyway it's better to be the catcher cause then you work WITH the pitcher all'a time an' really it's -your- job to make the final call on which pitch to throw, an' you're the last line of defense against a run, an' you can snag an out off a foul ball if you hustle, so it's really the BEST position to play when you think about it an' should be recognized more by coaches."
"Mm-hmm. Are you going to tell the Gromble that?" Oblina questioned.
"Course not! He'd never recognize the merit in any strategy I came up with!" Ickis replied.
"Good, then you have learned that discretion is the better part of valor. Keep that in mind during the auction and we'll have a pleasant afternoon down below. Now hop down this sewer drain and try to conduct yourself like a proper gentlemonster." Oblina told him.
"Hey why are all'a the chairs lined up outside? Aren't we going inside the Museum?" Ickis inquired.
"No, the museum is just sponsoring the event. Everyone sits outside and waits for the auctioneer to bring out the first item up for bid, then we signal whenever we see something we like." Oblina informed him.
"Every time you see something you like? That's when you give a signal?" Ickis reiterated.
"Yes, every time." Oblina acknowledged as she took her seat. Lugo parked the rickshaw and directed Sublima and Skeech to their seats. Ickis waited until the auctioneer took to the stand then he sprang up excitedly.
"Well I went down to the Monster Fine Arts Auction
Where I saw somethin' I jus' had to have.
My mind told me I should proceed with caution
But my heart said go ahead an' make a bid on that!
An' I said 'Hey squishy lady! Won't you gimme a sign?
I'd give anything to make you mine, all mine,
I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beck an' call!
Yeah I've never seen anyone lookin' so fine
Man I gotta have her she's a one of a kind!
I'm goin' once, goin' twice,
I'm sold to the lady in the second row!
She's an eight, she's a nine, she's a ten I know!
She's got ruby red lips, such piercing eyes
An' I'm about to bid my heart g'bye!'" Ickis sang.
Oblina covered her face in her palms. "It -was- a silent auction." she grumbled.
"Well the auctioneer was goin' about a mile a minute
He was taking bids an' callin' them out loud.
An' I guess I was really getting in it
Cause I shouted out above the crowd!
An' I said 'Hey squishy lady! Won't you gimme a sign?
I'd give anything to make you mine, all mine,
I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beck an' call!
Yeah I've never seen anyone lookin' so fine
Man I gotta have her she's a one of a kind!
I'm goin' once, goin' twice,
I'm sold to the monster with the zebra stripes!
Well she won my heart, guess she's jus' my type!
With her ruby red lips, such piercing eyes
Well I'm about to bid my heart g'bye!'" Ickis professed.
"Is your life forfeit as well?" Oblina hissed.
"Yeah we found love on the auction block, an' I hauled her heart away
Now we still love to laugh about the way it went that day!
An' I said 'Hey squishy lady! Won't you gimme a sign?
I'd give anything to make you mine, all mine,
I'll do your biddin' an' be at your beck an' call!
Yeah I've never seen anyone lookin' so fine
Man I gotta have her she's a one of a kind!
I'm goin' once, goin' twice,
I'm sold to the lady in the second row!
She's an eight, she's a nine, she's a ten I know!
She's got ruby red lips, such piercing eyes
An' I'm about to bid my heart g'bye~yee!'" Ickis announced with finality.
Skeech burst into applause, until he noticed Sublima glowering at everyone. "I just liked the sentiment the lyrics expressed." he whispered.
Oblina cringed. "That song could be about -any- monster." she protested.
"It -could- describe Madame Sublima." Lugo noted helpfully. "Very enjoyable experience, at any rate."
Ickis' jaw dropped. "Oh no no no no. That is not it AT ALL. Please stop glaring at me, Miz Sublima. It's not that I don't find you repulsive, you did after all pass along many repugnant qualities to your daughter, it's jus' you're happ'ly married an' I lo- like being around Oblina. So um, is it over? Did we win that round?" Ickis wondered.
"There are no winners when you're around." Oblina observed.
"Maybe you could be my consolation prize then." Ickis suggested.
Oblina punched him in the nose. "I warned you that was going to happen one of these days." she snapped.
"Ah, I'b bleedin'. Thaz kinda a bad thig wit' me. So buch fo' bein' Miz Cuh'genialidy." declared Ickis.
"I'm heartbroken." Oblina lied.
Ickis' face fell. "That really -did- hurt." Ickis sniffled. "An' I'm s'posed to be careful about injuries like that."
"Don't worry. I scummed up my paws immediately afterward so no harm done." Oblina recalled.
"That's alright for you! I had a nosebleed off-and-on for 3 days. I'm jus' glad it was summer so Zimbo couldn't laugh at me." Ickis complained.
"What are you going to do, bleed on me? Are you -that- desperate for more combustible monsters?" Zimbo laughed.
Ickis scowled. "You're not EVEN part of this trio!" he snarled. "And yet I still wouldn't wish combustibility on you cause it's embarrassing, and painful, and other monsters -cling- to misconceptions about it."
"All I heard was a whiny monster who is going to explode talking to a competent monster who isn't at death's door." Zimbo sneered.
"I'll be sure to tell my Dad that next time I see him. You're -already- on his blacklist Zimbo. Actually, Dad had to create a list jus' to disapprove of you. But he still did it!" Ickis remarked.
"I never saw any merit in the idea of revenge before." Oblina noted. "But I think I'm starting to see the appeal."
"Ha ha! Another convert! Better watch it Zimbo." Ickis advised.
Zimbo glared at him. "I'm going to GET you Ickis before the day is through." Zimbo threatened before flying off.
Ickis shrugged. "I've faced down more intimidating monsters. I've even mouthed off to the Gromble." Ickis claimed.
"And you'll pay for it, every time." the Gromble vowed as he approached the trio.
Ickis cringed. "Sometimes you are unexpectedly kind, sir... this isn't one of -those- times, is it?" Ickis ventured.
"How very -perceptive- of you to notice, Master Ickis. Maybe you can impart some of that wisdom into your next essay. After you've made all the doors squeak, and scuffed up all the floors, and stained every window." the Gromble detailed.
"Don't we have a custodian to do that?" Ickis whined.
"He only works an average of 3 weeks a year now, Master Ickis. He still gets the same amount because he's tenured." the Gromble sighed.
"Is that why you've stuck around so long, sir?" Ickis inquired.
The Gromble chortled. "You have no idea -what- a teacher earns, Master Ickis." the Gromble commented.
"I think they must be richly compensated for the vast amount of effort they put into their chosen profession." Ickis predicted.
Now the Gromble was roaring with laughter. "Such naivety is ALMOST refreshing. It must be so amusing to live in your fantasy world." the Gromble snickered.
"Sometimes monsters can fly in my dreams." Ickis espoused. "An' there have been bridges that disappear for NO reason, an' Simon enslaved us all once, an' I've been attacked by ridiculously cute critters, an' I've also been a bonsty forever, but there were also days when I had -TOTAL- mastery over time travel an' you were a loser sir an' a buncha other stuff happened but I don't talk about it cause it worried my Dad. We had this long talk about survivor guilt an' being strong in the face of adversity but the 'portant thing was he cancelled an ENTIRE business seminar! That was worth staying in bed, well almost, I tried to sneak out a couple times, Dad really -will- carry me upstairs when he threatens it which is so not fair cause he's bigger. I think it's all the pie he eats an' maybe some of the beverages, too. Didja know there's a -hard- phlegmonade he has every now an' again? Dad claims -I'm- not old enough for it, I bet it is sooo much better'n cough syrup, that you wouldn't even -believe- 2 drinks could taste so diff'rent. Like comparing a school day to a Sewerball game, not even in the same league!"
The Gromble blinked. "How many thoughts -do- you need to consider before you follow through on ANY single idea?!" hollered the Gromble.
"6.5, I rounded so it would be easier for you to calculate. I noticed you tend to do that when grading our quizzes. But you don't apply that consistently, you'll round Dizzle an' Hairyette's grades UP a percentage point, while simultaneously lowering mine." Ickis revealed.
"Maybe I could apply -multiplication- to YOUR grades, times then all by a factor of zero." the Gromble suggested.
"But the zero multiplication property states that any value multiplied by zero becomes zero! Interestingly though, having zero as an exponent, results in the answer of 1! So 1 is 1 is 1 regardless of what power you take it to!" babbled Ickis.
"Why don't you recognize this as -one- of the few things you're skilled at?" the Gromble pondered.
"It's common knowledge, sir. There isn't any trick to it." Ickis professed.
"You should demonstrate this 'common knowledge' on my Monster Revenue Service Tax Forms. I could use a refund." the Gromble allowed.
"Does it count as a school assignment?" wondered Ickis.
"Only if you get me into a better tax bracket." the Gromble acknowledged. "You can give me your input LATER Master Ickis, because now we have arrived at the great Goopenheim Museum. Everyone stand in line, single file, NO pushing! Were you ALL raised on a mold farm?!"
"I was." Krumm announced. "It's a nice place, even though my father won't let Ickis come visit anymore. Sorry, Ickis."
Ickis' lip quivered. "I jus' want Mister Horvak to tolerate me again. I wouldn't even eat nothing without permission, I swear it!" he vowed.
"I'm sure it was nothing personal." Oblina reasoned.
"He called me a bio-hazard." Ickis recalled. "That's a bit more direct than most criticisms."
"There's still hope. You father hasn't ex-communicated Horvak yet." Oblina pointed out.
"No, but Dad also hasn't fired Lerkayner as a publicity agent, even AFTER he set up an audition for Dad to appear on 'The Young And Squishless.'" Ickis explained.
"I think he was the hebopply-est guest star EVER!" Dizzle chimed in.
"They have the speech quoted in Crudmopolitian! 'I am NOT doing this -ever- again. Please respect my wishes. Jus' because I'm a widower, doesn't mean my marriage wasn't an extremely happy one, don't sully those memories.'" Hairyette added. "For 24 toenails you can get that emblazoned on a T-shirt, front-and-back."
"An' yet the message still doesn't come across." Ickis realized.
"Sure it does! You can read the whole thing! Maybe you're not aware of it because Crudmopolitan is more advanced than Ultra Monster comics." Horrifica sneered.
"Ickis could probly make it through an issue." Dizzle insisted.
"Thank you Diz-" Ickis began.
"They DO have plenty of pictures." concluded Dizzle.
"Dizzle, I have to ignore you now. G'bye." snapped Ickis.
"I s'pose that was one of the more mature response you could have given, Icky." Oblina acknowledged.
"Everyone SHUT UP! This is a time for learning, -not- gossiping. Although if anyone HAS a copy of that Crudmo, they are to stop by MY office after class and hand it over. I assume they made Slickis' guest appearance one of the FEATURED articles, those -always- get a double-page flash paper spread." the Gromble hollered.
"Greetings my eager young knowledge-seekers." declared the museum curator. "The Goopenheim is a subterranean structure divided into many chambers that serves as a historical reference for great moments in monster history! The exhibit nearest you, down this hallway and to the right, shows the first in a series of iconic scare locations. Please follow me and we will begin the tour."
The monster children all lined up politely, under the Gromble's menacing gaze.
"Here we have a replica of a human's bedroom. Under-the-bed is one of the easiest scares for beginners to perform. Even a bonsty could manage to sneak up on a human THAT way and not get into any trouble!" the curator professed.
Ickis pouted. "I'm not a bonsty." he whispered.
"Of course not. Bonstys can -succeed- in their endeavors. Pay attention, Master Ickis!" scolded the Gromble.
"Beds can range in a variety of styles, from a sleeping bag to a cot to a bunkbed to a queen-size mattress. This is a canopy bed, and comes equipped with bedposts on every corner, as well as additional pleated fabric intended to shield the human from outside disturbances, although it provides greater hiding opportunities for young monsters." the curator envisioned.
"Ooh. Aah." several monsters gasped in awe at the sight.
"This is a desk in a human classroom, over there is a chalkboard. A typical class contains upwards of 30 students, as well as a teacher. Although monster classrooms may be significantly larger, a group scare of that size is nothing to sneeze at." the curator noted.
Ickis prodded one of the chalkboard erasers. "Ahchoo! They must've dusted this recently." he remarked.
"Stop touching the displays Master Ickis." snarled the Gromble.
Snav wandered over and took a bite out of the desk. "Very flavorful. It's aged well." Snav announced.
"Snav! Get BACK here!" instructed the Gromble.
"I've already been scaring in a classroom. What's in the next exhibit?" asked Oblina.
"Look, they had a fish tank in the human bedroom!" exclaimed Krumm. "Remember the piranha the Gromble wouldn't let us keep?" Krumm tapped on the glass and the aquarium broke.
"Krumm! Leave that ALONE!" ordered the Gromble. He bent to scoop up the fish, only to have it bite him on the claw. "Yow! I -hate- fish!"
"I'm pretty good at catching fish!" Ickis bragged. "If you wait'll they rot, I can make a decent bouquet outta them!"
"I'd just be satisfied is somebody got this STUPID animal off'a me!" wailed the Gromble.
"But I'm not touching you!" Ickis protested.
"That's a candiru." noted the curator. "They have a reputation for burrowing into certain small crevices."
"It's trying to chew its way through my glove! OHDEARSLUDGE, what -is- it doing?" the Gromble whimpered.
"Let me help you with that." Blib offered. He took his 'Best Friends' flash paper album and used it to beat the candiru into submission, not caring how badly the Gromble's claw was damaged in the process.
"Yeeowch! What is -wrong- with you?!" growled the Gromble.
"Yeah, Blib. All those memories were -precious-." Snav moaned.
"But Snav, now we can add defeating the dread candiru fish to our list of Best Friend accomplishments!" Blib excitedly detailed.
"You're right. Smile for the flash, your Grombleness!" Snav exclaimed as he flashed the Gromble's picture.
"No flash paper." insisted the curator. The Gromble blinked until his vision cleared.
"Snav! Give that back IMMEDIATELY!" bellowed the Gromble.
"Of course, sir. We can make copies from the negatives." Snav professed.
"No copies!" the Gromble raged.
"This room is -so- much more hebopply!" Dizzle remarked. "It's a campground!"
"I been there, I been there! I was amaaazing! I even took on a real bear, not a teddy bear!" Ickis hastily called out.
"Cuddles wuvs you, Icky." simpered Zimbo.
"Yeep!" Ickis cried out as he galloped away.
"ICKIS! Don't run so far ahead! Stay where I can keep watch on you!" the Gromble yelled.
"That was fun. But I bet I can do even -more- damage to his psyche." Zimbo plotted as he flew after Ickis.
"Oh, please. Damaging -his- psyche is a bit like sand-blasting a slop cracker." Oblina opined. "Leave him alone Zimbo."
"They got a real campfire going." Pugh observed. "Maybe we keep make a torch outta one of these sticks."
"Don't play with FIRE Pugh!" the Gromble ordered.
"You can play with it then. I was getting bored." Pugh admitted as he casually tossed the flaming stick towards the Gromble.
"Owee, that's HOT!" the Gromble winced in pain as the torch struck his paw.
"Way to state the obvious sir." commented Horrifica.
"It's obvious you're going to be SNORCHED if you don't -shut- it!" the Gromble threatened.
"Look, they have a replica of a human jail!" Frunk exclaimed. "What do you think these metal bracelets are for?"
"Ooh, they look so smenky! Lemme try one on!" Dizzle volunteered.
"I want to try it too!" Snav added. Frunk fastened the handcuffs around Dizzle and Snav.
"These really bring out the putrid quality of my naturally greasy hair." Dizzle commented. She reached to pat herself on the head, but found that her wrist wouldn't stretch far enough with Snav attached. "Yaaah! I'm stuck to one of our more scarilectually challenged monsters!" she moaned.
"No, Ickis is in another room." Snav pointed out.
Blib looked heartbroken. "How can you attach yourself to her? I thought we agreed we didn't even think girls were squishy!" Blib despaired.
Snav looked down in shock. "Oh no! Don't worry, I can fix this!" he chewed through his part of the handcuffs, while Blib and Dizzle both sighed in relief.
"And I get to keep my hebopply new accessory." she noted happily.
"Those are museum artifacts! Stop BREAKING them! Put -everything- back in its proper place!" the Gromble persisted.
"What about Ickis and Zimbo? Why don't they have to leave the tombstones alone?" wondered Hairyette.
"Tombstones? They're not ready for the cemetery yet, although if the KEEP bothering me, their time -will- come soon enough!" the Gromble vowed.
"Ickis has a stortened life expectancy anyway. It was in those combustion awareness pamphlets." Krumm recalled.
"How much shorter? I could start placing bets." Pugh offered.
"What does one wear to the funeral for a terminally explosive classmate?" Dizzle mused.
"Ix-nay on the ife-lay an-spay." Oblina hissed.
"I never mentioned any spray, Oblina. I just pointed out that Ickis will be lucky if he reaches the 300 mark." Krumm detailed.
Oblina flinched. "You're lucky it's so noisy and full of distractions in this museum. Promise me you'll NEVER tell Ickis -anything- like that." Oblina insisted.
"Okay. What about telling it to Ickis' Dad?" asked Krumm.
"That's even worse! I'm sure Slickis -already- knows, he doesn't NEED a reminder." Oblina snarled.
"Yeah, that's probly why he was crying that one time. You remember, when we got back from Antartica and Ickis had to be hospitalized and his Dad came storming into the Academy, asking if the Gromble had fried HIS brain or did he really believe such environments were suitable for students? And then the Gromble countered that Slickis has allowed Ickis to watch that Alaskan race frequently and then Slickis loomed in front of him, and THEN the Gromble had to put a wet floor sign on the area he'd been standing on and get the custodian. And then Slickis sat in front of Ickis' bedside and sobbed that he was a terrible father, no -wonder- the bonsty protective services dogged him for 2 years, and he begged forgiveness from the ancestral spirits bargaining that if they would just let Ickis wake up and be alright, he'd go to EVERY Academy Sewerball game! Although Slickis DID end up breaking that promise and Ickis was really mad about that, it made his daily rant for an entire month..." Krumm kept recounting the adventure.
"KRUMM! Be quiet!" Oblina snapped. Krumm finally got the hint and stopped talking.
"Master Ickis! Zimbo! Whatever you 2 nitwits are up to, stop it right now!" the Gromble barked as he entered the phony graveyard.
Ickis glanced around nervously. "Don't yell, sir. We're on hallowed ground." Ickis mentioned.
"Criminy! It's not a -monster- graveyard. It isn't even a resting place for humans, moron!" the Gromble explained.
"They're not really monster graves? Then why does this one say 'In Memory of Womble and Lennu'?" wondered Ickis.
"Pop-pop? Nanny?" the Gromble trembled as he knelt near the phony display. Zimbo continued to ram against a statue, trying to tip it over.
"Nevermind. This sign next to it says the exhibition was based on a REAL memorial, for monsters who perished in an epidemic, an' you can find out more in the monster hall of records about the actual burial site an' the myths surrounding their deaths." Ickis noticed.
"They have NO right to make a mockery of that!" roared the Gromble.
Ickis lowered his head. "We should have a moment of silence to honor them an' pray that their spirits remain at peace." Ickis acknowledged.
"Master Ickis, that's very-" the Gromble began, but Ickis held up a single claw to shush his teacher. The Gromble sighed but gave up on the lecture.
Zimbo finally shoved the statue loose. "Heads up, Ickis!" laughed Zimbo.
"Zimbo? What are you doi-owww!" the Gromble shrieked in pain as the statue struck him in the back. Zimbo winced.
"I could have -sworn- it would fall to the OTHER side." he exclaimed.
"You stupid IMBECILE! I can't even -move-, how the heck I am s'posed to get back to the Academy so I can PUNISH you?!" demanded the Gromble.
Ickis sprang to his feet. "One second, sir!" he declared as he backtracked through the display rooms.
"Terrific. Captain Clueless is chasing another impossible goal." the Gromble sarcastically intoned.
Ickis hurried over to the bedroom exhibit. He broke off two of the bedposts, and wrapped the fabric around them.
"Icky, what are you planning now?" Oblina questioned.
"Planning to save the Gromble. Can you direct everyone back to the Academy, Oblina? They'll listen to you. I jus' need to borrow the Snorch. He's the only one strong enough to carry the Gromble." Ickis explained. The Snorch looked at Ickis quizzically and mumbled something. Ickis waggled his claws. "This is help, right? Help and carry looks sorta like this, I don't 'member how to sign teacher, but I know what fat looks like in Monster Sign Language! Help. Carry fat monster. Use stretcher please? That's pretty clear."
The Snorch nodded, flashed the signs for 'I will do so immediately' and took the makeshift stretcher from Ickis.
"Icky, that was -most- impressive. I mean, of course I will lead the students back home. Somebody need to be in charge while the Gromble is incapicitated. I assume you will stay and be lookout while the Snorch carries him to safety." Oblina outlined the plan.
"Get Krumm to tell the doctor to get everything ready. He's probly gonna need to set the Gromble up with some kinda back brace, might have to put him in traction while the bones knit, you can rig up a pulley system for that." Ickis anticipated.
"Getting Krumm to tell something -isn't- the problem, getting him to STOP is." Oblina muttered. Seeing Ickis' puzzled look, she decided to distract him from investigated the topic any further. "Don't concern yourself with that, Icky. Go to the Gromble, Krumm and I will take care of all the other details." she assured Ickis.
Ickis smiled at her. "Thanks, Oblina. I knew I could count on you guys! See ya!" he called out as he raced to catch up to the Snorch.
The Gromble groaned as the Snorch placed him onto the stretcher. "Master Ickis, was this your idea?" he inquired.
Ickis bobbed his head up and down. "Yes sir. I can explain sir. They use stretchers on a battlefield sir, when you have to move a wounded monster somewhere for treatment an' you don't want them to suffer unnecesarily. Oblina is watching the class, Krumm is gonna help the doctor get ready, the Snorch is gonna carry you, an' I thought I would stand watch an' listen for any trouble along the way, if that's alright with you sir." Ickis offered tentatively.
"Ooh, Master Ickis. You are- ow, that's TENDER- you are to be given a TEMPORARY reprieve from my blacklist. Zimbo, you've moved into the upper slot and don't you DARE try to weasel your way out of it!" the Gromble announced. Zimbo cowered and hovered nervously nearby, doing his best to stay just outside of the Gromble's line of sight.
"Coast is clear now." Ickis revealed as he scanned both directions.
"Good. The sooner we leave, the sooner Zimbo will be disciplined." the Gromble declared.
"But sir, I-" Zimbo tried to protest, but was cut off by the Snorch's growl. "What do you mean 'shut up so you can listen to the Gromble and the -wise- Master Ickis? I think you have your definitions confused, Snorch." The Snorch rumbled again. "Very wise? Oh, that's even MORE inaccurate!" claimed Zimbo.
"Shut up Zimbo. You've lost -all- talking privileges for the day." the Gromble snarled. "And if you can't -ouch- abide by that, then I'll ask Dr. Kott if he can't remove YOUR voice box!" he threatened. Zimbo complied instantly.
All this talk about what would happen once they returned to school got Ickis thinking. "Does Simpah hafta be our substitute again? Cause I was thinking that Nesdak would be nicer, er, knowledgeable about your lesson plans an' would do a really good job." Ickis suggested.
"I'll take it under consideration, Master Ickis." the Gromble allowed.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: I don't think the Board of Education will be getting a reprieve from the Gromble's blacklist, not ever. Although he will probly be able to make several liability claims, and get full worker's compensation, so long as Ickis helps go over the requisite tax forms. Just make sure he asks Ickis to do the calculations only, but fill the form out himself so they don't award a settlement to Krumm's Uncle Grungy by mistake. Sometimes it's awfully hard to decipher Ickis' spelling, but he's honestly smarter than most monsters give him credit for.