One day at a time (Part 3 of Death is my Friend)
by Anna Hulterstroem and Grit Kaerst
It had been five years since Roger had seen Andrew. Roger had always been a good paramedic, but with his newfound knowledge Roger had gone from good to excellent. He was always compassionate and gentle. Roger had seen the Angel of Death, he knew that death was nothing to fear and he told his patients that. Yet, it was Roger's patients that survived. It was as if that knowledge gave them the peace of mind they needed to build up their strength to survive. When his colleagues asked him he told them that he kept going to honour Nancy's memory. They usually replied that she had not completed her Paramedics training. With that Roger said, "No, she cared for the lost causes. She wanted their last days to be as good as possible."
Roger had been feeling unwell of late. He had gone from one doctor to another hoping to find an answer, but so far no one had been able to give him a diagnosis. Today he had yet another of these doctor's appointments. He needed physical support when he stood in the elevator; he had never had any need of that before. Roger had seen enough cases and read enough medical literature to put two and two together, and he did not like what it added up to. In the waiting room he anxiously went through all the turns in his case: all the symptoms, all the tests, all the different diagnoses that had not been correct. He was so deep in his thoughts that the nurse had to call his name twice before he responded.
The doctor was young, maybe too young for Roger's taste, but then all doctors have to start somewhere. He was good though, Roger had to admit that. The doctor asked all the right questions. He looked through Roger's test results... and then came the verdict. "I'm sorry to say, Mr. Foster, that you have ALS. I'm available whenever you need to ask questions. I know that they usually come after a while when a patient has had time to digest the news." The voice was sympathetic.
"Thank you Dr. Berner. How long...?" His fears had been confirmed and a numbness was spreading through his body.
"It is hard to say. You probably know this as well as I do. You have been seeking medical help for these problems for quite some time, and quite frankly Mr. Foster, I don't think you will last five years." The doctor sighed. This was the tough part of being a doctor.
As if in a trance Roger walked out of the doctor's office. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings and was therefore surprised to see that his subconscious and his feet had taken him to the hospital chapel. He nevertheless walked in and sat down. The peace and quiet of the chapel was finally able to break through his numbness and he began to weep. After a while he composed himself and began to pray. "God, Nancy said that death was nothing to fear, and you let me see your angel so that I would know that Nancy was right. I have tried to use that knowledge ever since and I think that I have become a very good paramedic. WHY are you doing this to me? God, I sure could use your angel right now--"
Roger stopped. He could feel that he was not alone. He looked up. There on the bench beside him sat the Angel of Death.
**********
"Hello Roger," Andrew greeted him with a compassionate look in his eyes.
Roger could tell that Andrew already knew what happened. He sighed, "You know it. Right?"
Andrew nodded slowly. "Yes, I know what the doctor just told you."
"What did I do wrong that He is doing this to me?" Roger asked with a glance at the cross in front of him. He always thought that he had done the right things in his life.
The angel shook his head and looked into the man's eyes. "Oh Roger! God isn't doing anything to you. This disease is NOT a kind of punishment! Roger... God loves you and He is as angry as you are that this is happening to you right now!"
Roger gave Andrew an angry look. "But He could have stopped this before I got sick! Why does He want me to go through this? I have seen patients with this disease and how they lived in the last stages!"
Andrew sighed. He knew that this was something that was hard to explain and even harder to understand, for humans and sometimes also for angels. "You are right, He could have stopped it. He can eliminate this disease and all other terrible things on this earth, but He won't do this. You see, EVERYTHING on this earth has a good and a bad side. The light can't exist with out the darkness, or the joy without the pain. He can destroy the pain, but this would also mean that He would destroy the joy and this is something He would NEVER do, because He loves His children too much! But even though He doesn't eliminate the bad things on earth, He promises that He will help his children through them and that He will also use the bad things in life to create something positive, if His children trust Him and let Him do it."
Roger became angrier at Andrew's last words. He rose up and yelled at him, "DON'T tell me that there is ANY good in this terrible illness!" And with that, he stormed out of the chapel.
Andrew called Roger's name and wanted to go after him, but a hand held him back. As he turned around, he faced Tess who said, "Let him go, Angel Boy. He isn't ready for you right now! He needs some time to think about everything and to get used to the idea of the news he just got."
"But Tess! He looks so lost! I can see the fear in his eyes!" Andrew said with sadness and compassion.
Tess looked sadly at the door as she replied, "I know, baby... I know."
Roger spent the next few hours walking. He tried to sit down at home, but he couldn't. There were too many things on his mind. He took a walk through the park not far away from his apartment. When he arrived at the little lake in the middle of the park, he stood at the edge and thought about everything that had happened this morning. He was still angry. Angry that he had this disease, angry at God and also angry at himself, because of the way he had treated Andrew. He knew that the angel only wanted to help him and deep in his heart he also knew that God wanted to help him. Why else would He have sent him one of His angels?!
He didn't turn around when he felt a familiar presence behind him. "I'm sorry, Andrew, that I yelled at you and at God. I... I was..."
"Scared and angry?" Andrew finished Roger's sentence, with pity clearly showing on his face.
"Yes. Please, can you forgive me? Can God forgive me? I should have known better!" Roger turned around. Tears flowed down his face when he looked at the angel.
Andrew gave him a cheerful smile. "Don't worry, it's okay. God has already forgiven you and so have I. It's normal that you are angry with Him and everything else that has to do with this sickness! But it's important that you get over this and let Him help you!"
"But I don't know HOW! I'm too scared!"
"Of death?" Andrew asked with disbelief. He thought that Roger would have remembered what Nancy had told him, before she died.
Roger shook his head. "No, not of death. But of the way that I have to go, before you take me Home! I have seen what other people had to go through before they died. It's a long and painful way."
Andrew sighed. What could he answer? Roger was right, it was a hard way to go Home!
*************
"Yes Roger, I know it will be a rough time, and so does God, but you are not alone. God will give you the strength, if you'll let Him. "Andrew's voice was gentle and compassionate, but it was also full of strength.
Roger turned towards Andrew. "Do you know what bothers me the most, Andrew? I know that you talked about how there must be opposites, but if God is so good, how come He's built a world where there must be bad stuff?"
Andrew sighed again. "You know, that is one of the hardest questions to answer, Roger. But picture to yourself a huge oriental carpet with an intricate pattern. Then place an ant on the carpet. The ant can never see the whole pattern, even if it traverses the entire carpet during its life. Then place a larger animal on the carpet, a cat or a dog perhaps. They can see some of the pattern, but can never grasp the entire pattern with its intricacies. Even a human being can often have problems taking in the whole picture. Only the creator of the carpet can appreciate the entire pattern with its twists and turns and nuances of shades and colors. Angels can't see the entire pattern Roger, only God can. So I can't answer your question any better than I already have. All we can do, angels and humans alike, is to trust God."
Roger nodded. "Yes, I appreciate all that you are saying to me, Andrew, but I need time to digest it all."
"I understand, Roger, but in the meanwhile, let me be your friend."
Roger smiled. "Okay, Andrew, I think I'm going to need your friendship."
That night as Roger went to bed he once again addressed God in a prayer. "Okay God, I guess I'll never really know why this has happened to me. Andrew tells me that You will be with me, and that you will help me - if I ask you to. He also told me that you can turn this into something good. I can't imagine how, but I sure would like to see it. Please God, help me to turn this into something good."
The next morning Roger turned up at work as usual. His disease had not yet gone so far that he could not work. Their first job took them to an apartment. A young woman answered the door. The patient that needed transport suffered from ALS in the latter stages. The paramedics' job was to get him to a hospice. What struck Roger at the hospice was that the staff seemed to be almost afraid of the ALS patient. Was this something that he could do something about?
***************************
When Roger had gotten back to the hospital and was waiting for the next call, he couldn't help thinking about the last patient. Deep in his heart, he knew that this was
the answer to his prayer last night. His feelings told him that he needed to go back to the hospice, to talk with that man and also to change the treatment of the ALS
patients there. But, at the moment he couldn't go back! No matter what his feelings told him, he couldn't.
The whole way to the hospice, and later in the hospice, he had seen himself lying there instead of the man they transported. He had asked himself if this was the way
that he would end. He couldn't imagine going back there.
At that moment, Roger heard a knock at the door and when he turned around, he saw that Andrew stood in the doorway. "Is it this? Is this the answer?" he asked
quietly.
Andrew sighed and nodded. "I think you know the answer."
Roger shook his head. "I can't! I can't go back! It's too hard to see it... to see my *future*!"
Andrew walked over to him and put his hand on Roger's shoulder. "Roger, you asked God to show you how this can be turned into something good. And He did
show it to you! Nobody said that it would be easy, but I promise you... it will be worth it! And by the way, when you help the staff... you will help yourself too and
the man, Mike, that you transported this morning."
Roger sighed. "I... I will think about it. Okay?"
Andrew smiled. "Okay! But don't think too long! Mike has only got a week left."
"One week? How can I change the attitude of the staff in one week?"
"Don't forget... with God's help... nothing is impossible!" Andrew answered with a smile. He knew that he would see Roger this afternoon in the hospice, he could
see it in Roger's eyes.
After Roger's shift was over, he walked back to the hospice. He wasn't sure what he should tell the patient or what he would do there, but he prayed silently that God would show him what to do.
The whole way, he thought about Nancy and somehow he admired her now more than ever for her choice to work in such a hospice.
The hospice wasn't far from the hospital and so it took only a few minutes for him to get there. After Roger had entered the building, he walked to Mike's room, the
man they had brought here that morning.
It wasn't hard to find the way again and soon he stood outside the room and knocked at the door.
***********
"Mike, remember me? I'm Roger, the paramedic from this morning."
The man made a movement and a sound that Roger interpreted as a yes. Roger took that as an invitation and entered the room. As he did so he noticed that Mike
needed help with his hygiene and that the staff hadn't given it to him.
Roger walked up to the bed. "I want you to know that I have ALS too. I noticed this morning that the staff here seems to have a problem with ALS patients so I had
the wild idea that I might be able to help."
Mike's eyes seemed to give Roger the answer that he wanted. That morning Roger had been angry when he saw how the staff had treated Mike, but now he thought
he understood. It can be scary to treat a patient if you can't understand what he wants or needs.
Roger walked out of the room in search of some staff. He found a nurse patiently feeding an emaciated woman. He saw with what love and care she performed her
task, and he felt shame over his earlier anger. He approached the nurse and addressed her. "Excuse me. I'm visiting Mike in room 8 and he is desperately in need of
help."
The nurse looked up at Roger. "You are one of the paramedics, aren't you? Do you know Mike?"
"I was the one who brought him here."
"Yes I know, I just wondered how well you know him since you claim that he needs help." The nurse was clearly negative.
In spite of everything Roger had to smile. "The only thing you need right now to realize that Mike needs help, is a nose."
The nurse reddened. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take care of it right away."
Roger put out a hand to halt her. "There is one more thing. I noticed this morning that all of the staff seemed scared of Mike, that you didn't know how to tackle him. I understand that it can be tough treating a patient not knowing what he wants or needs, but Mike still needs just as much love and care as you are giving to all the other patients. I was hoping that I could help you understand Mike and thus overcome your fear of ALS patients."
"And what makes you such an expert on ALS." The nurse's voice was indignant.
"I have just been diagnosed with ALS myself. Besides, I have worked ten years as a nurse and twenty-three years as a paramedic." Roger's voice was very dry as he said that.
The nurse felt ashamed by her reaction, but like so many people do when they are ashamed or embarrassed she reacted with gruffness. Roger on the other hand realized that he was reacting with greater tact than he usually did, and thought to himself that that might be God helping him to fulfil his task.
Roger helped the nurse wash Mike and change his bed. He also helped Mike to get something to eat. The nurse observed his actions all the time and she saw that
there was some substance behind Roger's words. When Roger finally had to go, she caught up with him at the door and apologized for her earlier actions. She also
asked him to come back and help the personnel to understand patients like Mike.
***************
It was late when Mike came home. Somehow, strangely, he felt good. He hadn't thought too much about that disease when he helped Mike! He started to think about Mike and he started to realize that he felt better than he ever felt in his job as a paramedic. It wasn't that he didn't like his job or that it was routine for him, but this was somehow... MORE. Roger started to wonder if this was the same way that Nancy had felt when she chose to work in the hospice.
"Yes, she did," sounded a familiar voice behind him.
Roger startled and turned around to see Andrew behind him, who gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!"
"It's okay. I don't have a weak heart, otherwise you might have killed me," Roger tried to joke, but Andrew's face turned pale as he remembered another assignment that went terribly wrong.
"Is everything okay?" Roger asked, concerned.
Andrew smiled again. "Sure, I was just remembering something. Don't worry, I'm fine. So, you met Mike?"
When Roger looked surprised, Andrew added, "He told me about you. He also wants to thank you and he hopes that you will come back."
Roger looked shocked. "He knows you?"
Andrew laughed and put a hand on Roger's shoulder. "Sure he does. Whenever I get the chance and have enough time, I like to come a little bit earlier and try to help people get used to the whole business of dying. It makes it easier for them when I get the chance to take their fear away, before it's time to go."
************
Roger spent the rest of that day and night thinking and praying, and by dawn he had made up his mind. The first thing he did when he came to work was to go to see his supervisor. He explained that he had been diagnosed with ALS and that he soon would be unable to continue as a paramedic. He also told his supervisor about the hospice and the fear that the staff there had for ALS patients. The supervisor took everything in and then he promised Roger that he would look into the problem and what could be done about it.
The days went by and Roger heard nothing from his supervisor. Every day Roger went straight from his shift in the ambulance to the hospice to visit Mike. Often he also saw Andrew there too. Together they worked out a way to communicate without words. Then one day towards the end of the week Roger knew that the time had come. Mike was very weak, but Roger could still see how happy Mike was to see him. When evening came, and the time came that Roger usually went home, he stayed on. He was sitting with Mike holding his hand and telling him of how he first met Andrew, when Andrew appeared. Andrew went up to Mike and took his other hand. Roger saw once again how gentle Andrew was and how much love he gave in this, the greatest step that every human has to take. Andrew seemed to listen to a voice that Roger could not hear and then he smilingly turned to Roger.
"Mike says thank you for all that you have done this last week, and he says that he will see you again in heaven."
Roger felt a lump in his throat. "You bet, Mike. We'll soon see each other again."
The following day Roger's supervisor called him into his office. "Roger, I have been thinking about what you said, and I have been asking around. It seems that the
problem you saw at the hospice is fairly common. I've pulled some strings and created a new job for you--a job that you can keep as long as you have the strength
and can to go to work. You, my friend, will teach nursing staff all over this country what it is like to have a disease like ALS and also how to take care of such
patients. What do you say about that?"
Roger was glad he was sitting. "Thank you sir. That is the best news I've had for a long time. I'm really looking forward to getting cracking with this sir."
**************
The next 6 years went quickly. Roger traveled all around the country. He taught a lot of nurses and doctors about his disease, from the point of view of a patient. He
visited a lot of hospices, hospitals and home nursing services. Roger could see, when it was time for him to move to the next town, how the people had changed. It
was always the same: the first day, they seemed to feel unconfortable in his presence and the last day, they almost didn't want to let him go. From time to time,
Andrew showed up to see how everything was going.
During the last 2 years, it had gotten harder for Roger to continue his work. The ALS got worse. He started to need a wheelchair, at first only for short periods of
time, and then permanently in the last year. But Roger never stopped his work-- it was too important for him.
One day, when Roger was visiting a new hospice and talking with the staff, he spotted Andrew. He stood behind the staff and the look on his face was full of
concern and compassion.
Roger's heart started to beat faster. Andrew looked so sad that it didn't take much imagination to tell why his friend looked like this. Could it be that his time would
be over soon?
Roger knew that he had to talk to his friend. He used the first possible moment to tell the staff that he was tired, which wasn't a lie - lately he was getting tired easily.
He told them that he needed a few minutes of fresh air before they could continue. Everybody understood and gave him some time in the park behind the building.
When Roger was alone, he could feel the presence of the Angel of Death behind him. Without turning around, he said, "Hello Andrew. I guess you haven't good
news for me!"
Andrew sighed heavily when he walked around the wheelchair to look into his friend's eyes. "Hello Roger. You are right, I don't have good news."
Tears filled Roger's eyes, because he knew what Andrew was going to tell him. It wasn't that he was afraid of death anymore, not since he had gotten to know Nancy and Andrew. But he knew how the last stage of ALS would be. Dying of ALS could be very painful and slow. It meant breathing problems, having problems with speaking, and the most important thing: he wouldn't be able to work anymore. And nobody would know how long he would have to be in that stage, before Andrew could take him home.
"How long?" Roger managed to ask.
Andrew shook his head slowly. It broke his heart to have to see his friend going through this. "I don't know exactly, but not longer than a month."
Roger swallowed hard. A month was better news than he had thought. "I've never dared ask you this before, Andrew. Me living this long and this well,comparatively speaking, it's through the Grace of God, isn't it?"
Andrew smiled and nodded. "Yes it is my friend, it is."
Roger's face was grave and thoughtful as he glanced at Andrew. "I shouldn't have lived more than five years max, should I?"
Andrew nodded again. "That is the usual time, yes."
"I guess that this will be my last home on earth," Roger said with a look at the hospice.
"This is a good hospice, Roger. You've always known that this day would come. Besides, I'll come and visit you as often as I can." Andrew placed a hand on Roger's shoulder.
Roger smiled and looked up at Andrew. "Thanks man, informal visits from the Angel of Death is what every dying person needs."
Andrew took it for what it was - a joke - and laughed.
Roger's respite in the fresh air was over and he returned inside. He continued his lecture as planned, but towards the end he felt his lungs falter. The nurses came rushing with oxygen and gratefully he gulped down the air.
After the lecture Roger asked to talk privately to the manager. He told the manager that he could feel his life slipping away. Today's shortness of breath was just a forewarning. Could he please stay on as a patient?
The room was bright and homey, but for Roger the world was still spinning around. He felt a little like he had done the day he got his diagnosis. He folded his hands and prayed to God. He thanked Him for the respite that he had been given, and he thanked Him for making the last stage short. He also thanked Him for Andrew, and he prayed for strength, because right now it felt like he had none. He looked up when he heard footsteps behind him. One of the nurses stood there. He remembered her from his lecture. She was quite young, and he had wondered what had made such a young person choose to work with the dying.
"Can I talk to you?" She was shy and hesitant.
"Sure, come in, you can close the door if you want." Suddenly Roger felt the strength he had prayed for returning. "What can I do for you?"
"I suppose you are wondering why such a young person as me has chosen to work in a place like this?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, yes. But I had a friend who made the same choice when she was your age, so I wasn't surprised to see a young person working here." Roger looked at her, curiosity evident on his face.
"Are you afraid of death?" She blurted out the question.
"Not any longer. The friend I was telling you about - she died in my arms. The last thing she told me was not to fear death. I have since learned that she was right." Roger sensed that she needed help and he did his best not to scare her off.
She sat down in front of him. "Why are you not afraid?"
Roger stretched out his hand and took hers in his. "Do you belive in God?"
She shook her head.
"Well, I didn't either for a long time. I was a paramedic back then. Nancy had been a trainee under me for a short while. She was very promising so it came as a complete shock to me when she said she was going to work with dying patients in a hospice instead of being a paramedic. Some years later I was called to an accident scene. A woman had been hit by a speeding car while saving a child from being run over. That woman was Nancy. On our way to the hospital she kept looking at a spot beside me, and talking to that spot, as if someone was sitting there. She then told me not to fear death, because God always sent an angel to be with us and help us through. For the first time since childhood I took a leap of faith and prayed to God, and He answered me. I saw that angel. I know that this sounds strange, but it is true. Ever since I got my diagnosis this angel has been by my side. Not all the time, but whenever I've needed him. Today he told me that I have less than a month left."
The nurse had looked down while he was telling her his story. Now she was looking up. "What does he look like?"
Roger smiled. "He is tall, blond, has green eyes, and I guess that women find him good-looking. Oh yes, his name is Andrew."
The last sentence seemed to startle the nurse.
"May I ask why you have been wondering about this?" Roger tried to be as gentle as Andrew.
"I'm dying too. It was when the doctor told me that I have this kind of leukemia that is slow but without any cure, that I came to work here. My first day here I met a
guy named Andrew. He talked to me about death and dying. He looked very much as you described."
****************
A shocked Roger stared at the nurse. He hadn't expected to hear that she was dying too. He took her hands gently in his when he spoke. "I'm really sorry to hear
this! I know how you must feel, I went through the same when I heard my diagnosis."
Tears started to flow down her face as Tracy replied, "I... I'm so scared! That man told me that there isn't anything to be afraid of, that I won't be alone. He told me about God and heaven, but I didn't believe him. I wanted so badly for what he told me to be true, but I couldn't imagine it... Is he really an angel?"
Roger sighed. He knew that feeling. He had had the same thoughts when Nancy told him similar things. He lifted Tracy's chin so that she had to face him, and replied with a big smile on his face, "Yes, Andrew is an angel. To be exact, he is the Angel of Death. You can believe EVERYTHING that he told you! I've known him now for 6 years, we have gotten to be really good friends, and in all that time he's never told me something that wasn't true. Believe me, he knows what he is talking about. When he tells you that there isn't anything to be afraid of then there ISN'T ANYTHING to be afraid of!"
Tracy looked surprised and needed a moment to sort out everything that Roger had just told her. It was hard to believe that this kind, gentle and good-looking guy could be the Angel of Death. Tracy remembered so clearly his warm and compassionate eyes that were full of love and understanding. "You mean, he is THE Angel of Death?!"
"Yes, I am," sounded a soft male voice from the door. When Tracy turned around, she looked at the same blond man that she had met when she started to work in the hospice. He wore a white suit and was surrounded by a soft glow.
Andrew greeted Roger with a friendly smile and Roger responded the same way. Then, Andrew's attention went back to Tracy, who looked totally shocked. "Don't be afraid, Tracy," he said gently with a soothing voice. "I know you didn't believe me when we met the first time. But I hope you will believe me this time." Andrew walked over to her and knelt in front of the nurse.
When Tracy looked into the angel's eyes, all she could see was love, understanding and compassion. It was amazing, she felt so safe and comfortable in the angel's presence, that she almost forgot her fear. As Andrew touched her cheek, she immediately relaxed.
"Tracy, God knows how much you are scared, He knows about your fear of lying in a bed at night and dying all alone. Tracy, God loves you and He promises you that this won't happen. He will be by your side, and so will I. I promise you, you won't be alone!"
Tracy collapsed in Andrew's arms. He held her gently and let her cry. Andrew knew that it was important for her to finally let everything out. Roger started to stroke her hair softly and whispered in her ear, "It's okay, let it out. Let everything out, this will help you!"
***********
That evening Tracy returned to Roger. "It really happened today, didn't it? I didn't just dream I was hugged and comforted by an angel named Andrew?"
Roger smiled. "Oh, it happened alright. Andrew is very real, and he was here today."
Tracy sat down on Roger's bed. "It doesn't bother you to have the Angel Death as a friend? I mean, to be visited by the very person who will one day kill you?"
Roger's face became grave. "Andrew doesn't kill anybody. The Angel of Death does not set the time for us. Sometimes God does, but often humans have a hand in that too, and this world as well." Roger saw the disbelief in Tracy's eyes. "I mean human carelessness, self-destruction, and so on. Any time during these last six years I could have been hit by a speeding car or a drunk driver or something similar. That would not have been a time of God's choosing. God didn't give me ALS, but God did give me six good years which is something VERY uncommon with this disease. All Andrew does is to be there for us when the time comes. We have talked about this once or twice, and it hurts him when people accuse him of being the Grim Reaper. I know it's easy to think as you have just done, but once you get
to know Andrew you'll know it's not true."
Tracy's head hung. "I guess you are right. Everything felt just fine when he was here. It's in between that I get scared."
Roger lifted Tracy's chin so that he could look into her eyes. "Tracy, Andrew has been an Angel of Death for a long time. He knows how we feel. I also have these
moments. Today, when Andrew told me that I only had a short time left I felt scared again. But I'm not scared of death, it's the time between now and then that I fear. Knowing that God really is here with me through all this makes it a whole lot easier, though."
Days turned into weeks. Roger went through a quick deterioration. Soon he was unable to communicate through normal language. He was constantly in need of oxygen and he could barely move any longer. Tracy and Roger had developed a deep friendship and often Andrew would turn up when they were together. When Tracy had difficulty understanding what Roger wanted to say, Andrew stepped in and translated.
***************
It had now been almost 4 weeks since Roger had moved into the hospice. Tracy spent every free minute with him.
One evening, Tracy was walking along the corridor. She had just finished her shift and wanted to say goodnight to Roger before she went home. When she turned around the last corner, she saw Andrew coming. He wore a light gray suit, and the look on his face was more than sad as he regarded Tracy. Tracy stopped immediately and got a lump in her throat. She had known Andrew now almost a month. She had in that time learnt that Andrew really wasn't the Grim Reaper. She liked him a lot - he was always so friendly and joyful, especially during the times when she or Roger got depressed. He always found a way to cheer them both up and to find new hope. Tracy had never seen Andrew as sad as right now. Something bad must have happened. "Andrew? What's wrong? Is... Is it something with Roger?" she asked full of fear.
"No, Roger is doing fine, at least until now." But his eyes filled with tears when he continued, "I just got the word that I have to bring him Home tonight."
Tracy shook her head and started to cry. "Please Andrew, no! Tell me that it's not true! It can't be his time tonight! There is still so much that we have to talk about!"
The Angel of Death took Tracy in his arms and rubbed her neck gently. "Shhhh.... it's okay, Tracy. God knows how much you both still have to talk about and I know it too. I promise you that one day, you and Roger will get the chance to see each other again and then you both can talk about EVERYTHING in a place that is so beautiful, you can't even imagine it! But right now, he has to go to that place first."
Andrew held Tracy tightly and let her cry. He knew that it was hard for her to say good-bye to the only person who understood how she was feeling. The friendship and talks between Roger, Tracy and Andrew were something special to her and she knew that she wouldn't find anything like that again.
As if Andrew could read her mind, he moved her back a little and looked right into Tracy's eyes. "You won't lose your friendship with Roger and me. I promise you! I'll tell you something. Nancy created a great tradition here on earth that she is continuing in heaven too. She, some other angels and me meet each other a few times each year for dinner and talks. I'm sure that Roger will participate when he gets there too. And one day, when your time comes... wouldn't you like to join us?!" Andrew smiled from ear to ear when he saw the soft smile on Tracy's face as she slowly nodded.
"Andrew, can't I come with you two tonight?" she asked shyly. Tracy already knew what Andrew's answer would be, but she also knew that she HAD to ask.
The angel shook his head. "No Tracy, it's not your time. You still have some work to do here on earth!"
"Does he know it? I mean, that he is going to die tonight?"
"No. I thought you would like to be with him when I will tell him."
Tracy nodded. "Yes, and I would also like to spend his last hours with him, if you don't mind."
Andrew smiled. "Why should I mind? I'm sure Roger would like to have you at his side too!"
With this, both angel and human walked along the corridor toward Roger's room.
***************
Roger was asleep when Andrew and Tracy entered his room. They walked up to his bed, Andrew on his right side and Tracy on his left. Andrew took Roger's hand and gently called his name. Roger slowly opened his eyes. They grew wide as he saw Andrew in his official clothing. He knew that this was his time. He felt it in his whole body and now he knew for certain what Andrew had been telling him all along - 'there is nothing to be afraid of.'
Tracy took his other hand. "I'm here too Roger." Tears welled up in her eyes. Roger tried to tell her that there was nothing to be sad about, but it was Andrew who had to interpret it for Tracy. Tracy saw that Roger was trying to tell her something, but he no longer could control his muscles to form words. She tried to lean forward to hear better, but to no
avail.
Andrew said with a smile, "Tracy, what Roger is trying to say is that you shouldn't be sad. This is nothing to cry about."
Tracy looked from Roger to Andrew and then back at Roger. Roger tried his best to smile and nod, using the few muscles he still had control over. Then he felt once more how his strength returned. He raised his hand and wiped Tracy's tears away. "Tracy, don't weep. We'll soon see each other again, I promise. Right now Iknow it's my time to go with Andrew. I wasn't ready before, but now I am. Trust God, He's the best friend we've got."
Andrew smiled as he heard Roger's words. "Yes, He is. Tracy, I don't know when your time will come - yet. But I will be there for you and so will He, and one day soon enough you will see each other again." With that Andrew turned his attention to Roger. "It's time, Roger," he said gently.
Roger relaxed and felt himself being lifted to his feet by Andrew's strong hand. He opened his eyes and saw that he was indeed standing beside Andrew. He turned around and saw himself lying on the bed, and Tracy, wiping her tears, on the chair beside him. Roger turned back to Andrew. He felt the anticipation and happiness growing inside him. He smiled happily and nodded. He was ready to go Home.
by Anna Hulterstroem and Grit Kaerst
It had been five years since Roger had seen Andrew. Roger had always been a good paramedic, but with his newfound knowledge Roger had gone from good to excellent. He was always compassionate and gentle. Roger had seen the Angel of Death, he knew that death was nothing to fear and he told his patients that. Yet, it was Roger's patients that survived. It was as if that knowledge gave them the peace of mind they needed to build up their strength to survive. When his colleagues asked him he told them that he kept going to honour Nancy's memory. They usually replied that she had not completed her Paramedics training. With that Roger said, "No, she cared for the lost causes. She wanted their last days to be as good as possible."
Roger had been feeling unwell of late. He had gone from one doctor to another hoping to find an answer, but so far no one had been able to give him a diagnosis. Today he had yet another of these doctor's appointments. He needed physical support when he stood in the elevator; he had never had any need of that before. Roger had seen enough cases and read enough medical literature to put two and two together, and he did not like what it added up to. In the waiting room he anxiously went through all the turns in his case: all the symptoms, all the tests, all the different diagnoses that had not been correct. He was so deep in his thoughts that the nurse had to call his name twice before he responded.
The doctor was young, maybe too young for Roger's taste, but then all doctors have to start somewhere. He was good though, Roger had to admit that. The doctor asked all the right questions. He looked through Roger's test results... and then came the verdict. "I'm sorry to say, Mr. Foster, that you have ALS. I'm available whenever you need to ask questions. I know that they usually come after a while when a patient has had time to digest the news." The voice was sympathetic.
"Thank you Dr. Berner. How long...?" His fears had been confirmed and a numbness was spreading through his body.
"It is hard to say. You probably know this as well as I do. You have been seeking medical help for these problems for quite some time, and quite frankly Mr. Foster, I don't think you will last five years." The doctor sighed. This was the tough part of being a doctor.
As if in a trance Roger walked out of the doctor's office. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings and was therefore surprised to see that his subconscious and his feet had taken him to the hospital chapel. He nevertheless walked in and sat down. The peace and quiet of the chapel was finally able to break through his numbness and he began to weep. After a while he composed himself and began to pray. "God, Nancy said that death was nothing to fear, and you let me see your angel so that I would know that Nancy was right. I have tried to use that knowledge ever since and I think that I have become a very good paramedic. WHY are you doing this to me? God, I sure could use your angel right now--"
Roger stopped. He could feel that he was not alone. He looked up. There on the bench beside him sat the Angel of Death.
**********
"Hello Roger," Andrew greeted him with a compassionate look in his eyes.
Roger could tell that Andrew already knew what happened. He sighed, "You know it. Right?"
Andrew nodded slowly. "Yes, I know what the doctor just told you."
"What did I do wrong that He is doing this to me?" Roger asked with a glance at the cross in front of him. He always thought that he had done the right things in his life.
The angel shook his head and looked into the man's eyes. "Oh Roger! God isn't doing anything to you. This disease is NOT a kind of punishment! Roger... God loves you and He is as angry as you are that this is happening to you right now!"
Roger gave Andrew an angry look. "But He could have stopped this before I got sick! Why does He want me to go through this? I have seen patients with this disease and how they lived in the last stages!"
Andrew sighed. He knew that this was something that was hard to explain and even harder to understand, for humans and sometimes also for angels. "You are right, He could have stopped it. He can eliminate this disease and all other terrible things on this earth, but He won't do this. You see, EVERYTHING on this earth has a good and a bad side. The light can't exist with out the darkness, or the joy without the pain. He can destroy the pain, but this would also mean that He would destroy the joy and this is something He would NEVER do, because He loves His children too much! But even though He doesn't eliminate the bad things on earth, He promises that He will help his children through them and that He will also use the bad things in life to create something positive, if His children trust Him and let Him do it."
Roger became angrier at Andrew's last words. He rose up and yelled at him, "DON'T tell me that there is ANY good in this terrible illness!" And with that, he stormed out of the chapel.
Andrew called Roger's name and wanted to go after him, but a hand held him back. As he turned around, he faced Tess who said, "Let him go, Angel Boy. He isn't ready for you right now! He needs some time to think about everything and to get used to the idea of the news he just got."
"But Tess! He looks so lost! I can see the fear in his eyes!" Andrew said with sadness and compassion.
Tess looked sadly at the door as she replied, "I know, baby... I know."
Roger spent the next few hours walking. He tried to sit down at home, but he couldn't. There were too many things on his mind. He took a walk through the park not far away from his apartment. When he arrived at the little lake in the middle of the park, he stood at the edge and thought about everything that had happened this morning. He was still angry. Angry that he had this disease, angry at God and also angry at himself, because of the way he had treated Andrew. He knew that the angel only wanted to help him and deep in his heart he also knew that God wanted to help him. Why else would He have sent him one of His angels?!
He didn't turn around when he felt a familiar presence behind him. "I'm sorry, Andrew, that I yelled at you and at God. I... I was..."
"Scared and angry?" Andrew finished Roger's sentence, with pity clearly showing on his face.
"Yes. Please, can you forgive me? Can God forgive me? I should have known better!" Roger turned around. Tears flowed down his face when he looked at the angel.
Andrew gave him a cheerful smile. "Don't worry, it's okay. God has already forgiven you and so have I. It's normal that you are angry with Him and everything else that has to do with this sickness! But it's important that you get over this and let Him help you!"
"But I don't know HOW! I'm too scared!"
"Of death?" Andrew asked with disbelief. He thought that Roger would have remembered what Nancy had told him, before she died.
Roger shook his head. "No, not of death. But of the way that I have to go, before you take me Home! I have seen what other people had to go through before they died. It's a long and painful way."
Andrew sighed. What could he answer? Roger was right, it was a hard way to go Home!
*************
"Yes Roger, I know it will be a rough time, and so does God, but you are not alone. God will give you the strength, if you'll let Him. "Andrew's voice was gentle and compassionate, but it was also full of strength.
Roger turned towards Andrew. "Do you know what bothers me the most, Andrew? I know that you talked about how there must be opposites, but if God is so good, how come He's built a world where there must be bad stuff?"
Andrew sighed again. "You know, that is one of the hardest questions to answer, Roger. But picture to yourself a huge oriental carpet with an intricate pattern. Then place an ant on the carpet. The ant can never see the whole pattern, even if it traverses the entire carpet during its life. Then place a larger animal on the carpet, a cat or a dog perhaps. They can see some of the pattern, but can never grasp the entire pattern with its intricacies. Even a human being can often have problems taking in the whole picture. Only the creator of the carpet can appreciate the entire pattern with its twists and turns and nuances of shades and colors. Angels can't see the entire pattern Roger, only God can. So I can't answer your question any better than I already have. All we can do, angels and humans alike, is to trust God."
Roger nodded. "Yes, I appreciate all that you are saying to me, Andrew, but I need time to digest it all."
"I understand, Roger, but in the meanwhile, let me be your friend."
Roger smiled. "Okay, Andrew, I think I'm going to need your friendship."
That night as Roger went to bed he once again addressed God in a prayer. "Okay God, I guess I'll never really know why this has happened to me. Andrew tells me that You will be with me, and that you will help me - if I ask you to. He also told me that you can turn this into something good. I can't imagine how, but I sure would like to see it. Please God, help me to turn this into something good."
The next morning Roger turned up at work as usual. His disease had not yet gone so far that he could not work. Their first job took them to an apartment. A young woman answered the door. The patient that needed transport suffered from ALS in the latter stages. The paramedics' job was to get him to a hospice. What struck Roger at the hospice was that the staff seemed to be almost afraid of the ALS patient. Was this something that he could do something about?
***************************
When Roger had gotten back to the hospital and was waiting for the next call, he couldn't help thinking about the last patient. Deep in his heart, he knew that this was
the answer to his prayer last night. His feelings told him that he needed to go back to the hospice, to talk with that man and also to change the treatment of the ALS
patients there. But, at the moment he couldn't go back! No matter what his feelings told him, he couldn't.
The whole way to the hospice, and later in the hospice, he had seen himself lying there instead of the man they transported. He had asked himself if this was the way
that he would end. He couldn't imagine going back there.
At that moment, Roger heard a knock at the door and when he turned around, he saw that Andrew stood in the doorway. "Is it this? Is this the answer?" he asked
quietly.
Andrew sighed and nodded. "I think you know the answer."
Roger shook his head. "I can't! I can't go back! It's too hard to see it... to see my *future*!"
Andrew walked over to him and put his hand on Roger's shoulder. "Roger, you asked God to show you how this can be turned into something good. And He did
show it to you! Nobody said that it would be easy, but I promise you... it will be worth it! And by the way, when you help the staff... you will help yourself too and
the man, Mike, that you transported this morning."
Roger sighed. "I... I will think about it. Okay?"
Andrew smiled. "Okay! But don't think too long! Mike has only got a week left."
"One week? How can I change the attitude of the staff in one week?"
"Don't forget... with God's help... nothing is impossible!" Andrew answered with a smile. He knew that he would see Roger this afternoon in the hospice, he could
see it in Roger's eyes.
After Roger's shift was over, he walked back to the hospice. He wasn't sure what he should tell the patient or what he would do there, but he prayed silently that God would show him what to do.
The whole way, he thought about Nancy and somehow he admired her now more than ever for her choice to work in such a hospice.
The hospice wasn't far from the hospital and so it took only a few minutes for him to get there. After Roger had entered the building, he walked to Mike's room, the
man they had brought here that morning.
It wasn't hard to find the way again and soon he stood outside the room and knocked at the door.
***********
"Mike, remember me? I'm Roger, the paramedic from this morning."
The man made a movement and a sound that Roger interpreted as a yes. Roger took that as an invitation and entered the room. As he did so he noticed that Mike
needed help with his hygiene and that the staff hadn't given it to him.
Roger walked up to the bed. "I want you to know that I have ALS too. I noticed this morning that the staff here seems to have a problem with ALS patients so I had
the wild idea that I might be able to help."
Mike's eyes seemed to give Roger the answer that he wanted. That morning Roger had been angry when he saw how the staff had treated Mike, but now he thought
he understood. It can be scary to treat a patient if you can't understand what he wants or needs.
Roger walked out of the room in search of some staff. He found a nurse patiently feeding an emaciated woman. He saw with what love and care she performed her
task, and he felt shame over his earlier anger. He approached the nurse and addressed her. "Excuse me. I'm visiting Mike in room 8 and he is desperately in need of
help."
The nurse looked up at Roger. "You are one of the paramedics, aren't you? Do you know Mike?"
"I was the one who brought him here."
"Yes I know, I just wondered how well you know him since you claim that he needs help." The nurse was clearly negative.
In spite of everything Roger had to smile. "The only thing you need right now to realize that Mike needs help, is a nose."
The nurse reddened. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take care of it right away."
Roger put out a hand to halt her. "There is one more thing. I noticed this morning that all of the staff seemed scared of Mike, that you didn't know how to tackle him. I understand that it can be tough treating a patient not knowing what he wants or needs, but Mike still needs just as much love and care as you are giving to all the other patients. I was hoping that I could help you understand Mike and thus overcome your fear of ALS patients."
"And what makes you such an expert on ALS." The nurse's voice was indignant.
"I have just been diagnosed with ALS myself. Besides, I have worked ten years as a nurse and twenty-three years as a paramedic." Roger's voice was very dry as he said that.
The nurse felt ashamed by her reaction, but like so many people do when they are ashamed or embarrassed she reacted with gruffness. Roger on the other hand realized that he was reacting with greater tact than he usually did, and thought to himself that that might be God helping him to fulfil his task.
Roger helped the nurse wash Mike and change his bed. He also helped Mike to get something to eat. The nurse observed his actions all the time and she saw that
there was some substance behind Roger's words. When Roger finally had to go, she caught up with him at the door and apologized for her earlier actions. She also
asked him to come back and help the personnel to understand patients like Mike.
***************
It was late when Mike came home. Somehow, strangely, he felt good. He hadn't thought too much about that disease when he helped Mike! He started to think about Mike and he started to realize that he felt better than he ever felt in his job as a paramedic. It wasn't that he didn't like his job or that it was routine for him, but this was somehow... MORE. Roger started to wonder if this was the same way that Nancy had felt when she chose to work in the hospice.
"Yes, she did," sounded a familiar voice behind him.
Roger startled and turned around to see Andrew behind him, who gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!"
"It's okay. I don't have a weak heart, otherwise you might have killed me," Roger tried to joke, but Andrew's face turned pale as he remembered another assignment that went terribly wrong.
"Is everything okay?" Roger asked, concerned.
Andrew smiled again. "Sure, I was just remembering something. Don't worry, I'm fine. So, you met Mike?"
When Roger looked surprised, Andrew added, "He told me about you. He also wants to thank you and he hopes that you will come back."
Roger looked shocked. "He knows you?"
Andrew laughed and put a hand on Roger's shoulder. "Sure he does. Whenever I get the chance and have enough time, I like to come a little bit earlier and try to help people get used to the whole business of dying. It makes it easier for them when I get the chance to take their fear away, before it's time to go."
************
Roger spent the rest of that day and night thinking and praying, and by dawn he had made up his mind. The first thing he did when he came to work was to go to see his supervisor. He explained that he had been diagnosed with ALS and that he soon would be unable to continue as a paramedic. He also told his supervisor about the hospice and the fear that the staff there had for ALS patients. The supervisor took everything in and then he promised Roger that he would look into the problem and what could be done about it.
The days went by and Roger heard nothing from his supervisor. Every day Roger went straight from his shift in the ambulance to the hospice to visit Mike. Often he also saw Andrew there too. Together they worked out a way to communicate without words. Then one day towards the end of the week Roger knew that the time had come. Mike was very weak, but Roger could still see how happy Mike was to see him. When evening came, and the time came that Roger usually went home, he stayed on. He was sitting with Mike holding his hand and telling him of how he first met Andrew, when Andrew appeared. Andrew went up to Mike and took his other hand. Roger saw once again how gentle Andrew was and how much love he gave in this, the greatest step that every human has to take. Andrew seemed to listen to a voice that Roger could not hear and then he smilingly turned to Roger.
"Mike says thank you for all that you have done this last week, and he says that he will see you again in heaven."
Roger felt a lump in his throat. "You bet, Mike. We'll soon see each other again."
The following day Roger's supervisor called him into his office. "Roger, I have been thinking about what you said, and I have been asking around. It seems that the
problem you saw at the hospice is fairly common. I've pulled some strings and created a new job for you--a job that you can keep as long as you have the strength
and can to go to work. You, my friend, will teach nursing staff all over this country what it is like to have a disease like ALS and also how to take care of such
patients. What do you say about that?"
Roger was glad he was sitting. "Thank you sir. That is the best news I've had for a long time. I'm really looking forward to getting cracking with this sir."
**************
The next 6 years went quickly. Roger traveled all around the country. He taught a lot of nurses and doctors about his disease, from the point of view of a patient. He
visited a lot of hospices, hospitals and home nursing services. Roger could see, when it was time for him to move to the next town, how the people had changed. It
was always the same: the first day, they seemed to feel unconfortable in his presence and the last day, they almost didn't want to let him go. From time to time,
Andrew showed up to see how everything was going.
During the last 2 years, it had gotten harder for Roger to continue his work. The ALS got worse. He started to need a wheelchair, at first only for short periods of
time, and then permanently in the last year. But Roger never stopped his work-- it was too important for him.
One day, when Roger was visiting a new hospice and talking with the staff, he spotted Andrew. He stood behind the staff and the look on his face was full of
concern and compassion.
Roger's heart started to beat faster. Andrew looked so sad that it didn't take much imagination to tell why his friend looked like this. Could it be that his time would
be over soon?
Roger knew that he had to talk to his friend. He used the first possible moment to tell the staff that he was tired, which wasn't a lie - lately he was getting tired easily.
He told them that he needed a few minutes of fresh air before they could continue. Everybody understood and gave him some time in the park behind the building.
When Roger was alone, he could feel the presence of the Angel of Death behind him. Without turning around, he said, "Hello Andrew. I guess you haven't good
news for me!"
Andrew sighed heavily when he walked around the wheelchair to look into his friend's eyes. "Hello Roger. You are right, I don't have good news."
Tears filled Roger's eyes, because he knew what Andrew was going to tell him. It wasn't that he was afraid of death anymore, not since he had gotten to know Nancy and Andrew. But he knew how the last stage of ALS would be. Dying of ALS could be very painful and slow. It meant breathing problems, having problems with speaking, and the most important thing: he wouldn't be able to work anymore. And nobody would know how long he would have to be in that stage, before Andrew could take him home.
"How long?" Roger managed to ask.
Andrew shook his head slowly. It broke his heart to have to see his friend going through this. "I don't know exactly, but not longer than a month."
Roger swallowed hard. A month was better news than he had thought. "I've never dared ask you this before, Andrew. Me living this long and this well,comparatively speaking, it's through the Grace of God, isn't it?"
Andrew smiled and nodded. "Yes it is my friend, it is."
Roger's face was grave and thoughtful as he glanced at Andrew. "I shouldn't have lived more than five years max, should I?"
Andrew nodded again. "That is the usual time, yes."
"I guess that this will be my last home on earth," Roger said with a look at the hospice.
"This is a good hospice, Roger. You've always known that this day would come. Besides, I'll come and visit you as often as I can." Andrew placed a hand on Roger's shoulder.
Roger smiled and looked up at Andrew. "Thanks man, informal visits from the Angel of Death is what every dying person needs."
Andrew took it for what it was - a joke - and laughed.
Roger's respite in the fresh air was over and he returned inside. He continued his lecture as planned, but towards the end he felt his lungs falter. The nurses came rushing with oxygen and gratefully he gulped down the air.
After the lecture Roger asked to talk privately to the manager. He told the manager that he could feel his life slipping away. Today's shortness of breath was just a forewarning. Could he please stay on as a patient?
The room was bright and homey, but for Roger the world was still spinning around. He felt a little like he had done the day he got his diagnosis. He folded his hands and prayed to God. He thanked Him for the respite that he had been given, and he thanked Him for making the last stage short. He also thanked Him for Andrew, and he prayed for strength, because right now it felt like he had none. He looked up when he heard footsteps behind him. One of the nurses stood there. He remembered her from his lecture. She was quite young, and he had wondered what had made such a young person choose to work with the dying.
"Can I talk to you?" She was shy and hesitant.
"Sure, come in, you can close the door if you want." Suddenly Roger felt the strength he had prayed for returning. "What can I do for you?"
"I suppose you are wondering why such a young person as me has chosen to work in a place like this?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, yes. But I had a friend who made the same choice when she was your age, so I wasn't surprised to see a young person working here." Roger looked at her, curiosity evident on his face.
"Are you afraid of death?" She blurted out the question.
"Not any longer. The friend I was telling you about - she died in my arms. The last thing she told me was not to fear death. I have since learned that she was right." Roger sensed that she needed help and he did his best not to scare her off.
She sat down in front of him. "Why are you not afraid?"
Roger stretched out his hand and took hers in his. "Do you belive in God?"
She shook her head.
"Well, I didn't either for a long time. I was a paramedic back then. Nancy had been a trainee under me for a short while. She was very promising so it came as a complete shock to me when she said she was going to work with dying patients in a hospice instead of being a paramedic. Some years later I was called to an accident scene. A woman had been hit by a speeding car while saving a child from being run over. That woman was Nancy. On our way to the hospital she kept looking at a spot beside me, and talking to that spot, as if someone was sitting there. She then told me not to fear death, because God always sent an angel to be with us and help us through. For the first time since childhood I took a leap of faith and prayed to God, and He answered me. I saw that angel. I know that this sounds strange, but it is true. Ever since I got my diagnosis this angel has been by my side. Not all the time, but whenever I've needed him. Today he told me that I have less than a month left."
The nurse had looked down while he was telling her his story. Now she was looking up. "What does he look like?"
Roger smiled. "He is tall, blond, has green eyes, and I guess that women find him good-looking. Oh yes, his name is Andrew."
The last sentence seemed to startle the nurse.
"May I ask why you have been wondering about this?" Roger tried to be as gentle as Andrew.
"I'm dying too. It was when the doctor told me that I have this kind of leukemia that is slow but without any cure, that I came to work here. My first day here I met a
guy named Andrew. He talked to me about death and dying. He looked very much as you described."
****************
A shocked Roger stared at the nurse. He hadn't expected to hear that she was dying too. He took her hands gently in his when he spoke. "I'm really sorry to hear
this! I know how you must feel, I went through the same when I heard my diagnosis."
Tears started to flow down her face as Tracy replied, "I... I'm so scared! That man told me that there isn't anything to be afraid of, that I won't be alone. He told me about God and heaven, but I didn't believe him. I wanted so badly for what he told me to be true, but I couldn't imagine it... Is he really an angel?"
Roger sighed. He knew that feeling. He had had the same thoughts when Nancy told him similar things. He lifted Tracy's chin so that she had to face him, and replied with a big smile on his face, "Yes, Andrew is an angel. To be exact, he is the Angel of Death. You can believe EVERYTHING that he told you! I've known him now for 6 years, we have gotten to be really good friends, and in all that time he's never told me something that wasn't true. Believe me, he knows what he is talking about. When he tells you that there isn't anything to be afraid of then there ISN'T ANYTHING to be afraid of!"
Tracy looked surprised and needed a moment to sort out everything that Roger had just told her. It was hard to believe that this kind, gentle and good-looking guy could be the Angel of Death. Tracy remembered so clearly his warm and compassionate eyes that were full of love and understanding. "You mean, he is THE Angel of Death?!"
"Yes, I am," sounded a soft male voice from the door. When Tracy turned around, she looked at the same blond man that she had met when she started to work in the hospice. He wore a white suit and was surrounded by a soft glow.
Andrew greeted Roger with a friendly smile and Roger responded the same way. Then, Andrew's attention went back to Tracy, who looked totally shocked. "Don't be afraid, Tracy," he said gently with a soothing voice. "I know you didn't believe me when we met the first time. But I hope you will believe me this time." Andrew walked over to her and knelt in front of the nurse.
When Tracy looked into the angel's eyes, all she could see was love, understanding and compassion. It was amazing, she felt so safe and comfortable in the angel's presence, that she almost forgot her fear. As Andrew touched her cheek, she immediately relaxed.
"Tracy, God knows how much you are scared, He knows about your fear of lying in a bed at night and dying all alone. Tracy, God loves you and He promises you that this won't happen. He will be by your side, and so will I. I promise you, you won't be alone!"
Tracy collapsed in Andrew's arms. He held her gently and let her cry. Andrew knew that it was important for her to finally let everything out. Roger started to stroke her hair softly and whispered in her ear, "It's okay, let it out. Let everything out, this will help you!"
***********
That evening Tracy returned to Roger. "It really happened today, didn't it? I didn't just dream I was hugged and comforted by an angel named Andrew?"
Roger smiled. "Oh, it happened alright. Andrew is very real, and he was here today."
Tracy sat down on Roger's bed. "It doesn't bother you to have the Angel Death as a friend? I mean, to be visited by the very person who will one day kill you?"
Roger's face became grave. "Andrew doesn't kill anybody. The Angel of Death does not set the time for us. Sometimes God does, but often humans have a hand in that too, and this world as well." Roger saw the disbelief in Tracy's eyes. "I mean human carelessness, self-destruction, and so on. Any time during these last six years I could have been hit by a speeding car or a drunk driver or something similar. That would not have been a time of God's choosing. God didn't give me ALS, but God did give me six good years which is something VERY uncommon with this disease. All Andrew does is to be there for us when the time comes. We have talked about this once or twice, and it hurts him when people accuse him of being the Grim Reaper. I know it's easy to think as you have just done, but once you get
to know Andrew you'll know it's not true."
Tracy's head hung. "I guess you are right. Everything felt just fine when he was here. It's in between that I get scared."
Roger lifted Tracy's chin so that he could look into her eyes. "Tracy, Andrew has been an Angel of Death for a long time. He knows how we feel. I also have these
moments. Today, when Andrew told me that I only had a short time left I felt scared again. But I'm not scared of death, it's the time between now and then that I fear. Knowing that God really is here with me through all this makes it a whole lot easier, though."
Days turned into weeks. Roger went through a quick deterioration. Soon he was unable to communicate through normal language. He was constantly in need of oxygen and he could barely move any longer. Tracy and Roger had developed a deep friendship and often Andrew would turn up when they were together. When Tracy had difficulty understanding what Roger wanted to say, Andrew stepped in and translated.
***************
It had now been almost 4 weeks since Roger had moved into the hospice. Tracy spent every free minute with him.
One evening, Tracy was walking along the corridor. She had just finished her shift and wanted to say goodnight to Roger before she went home. When she turned around the last corner, she saw Andrew coming. He wore a light gray suit, and the look on his face was more than sad as he regarded Tracy. Tracy stopped immediately and got a lump in her throat. She had known Andrew now almost a month. She had in that time learnt that Andrew really wasn't the Grim Reaper. She liked him a lot - he was always so friendly and joyful, especially during the times when she or Roger got depressed. He always found a way to cheer them both up and to find new hope. Tracy had never seen Andrew as sad as right now. Something bad must have happened. "Andrew? What's wrong? Is... Is it something with Roger?" she asked full of fear.
"No, Roger is doing fine, at least until now." But his eyes filled with tears when he continued, "I just got the word that I have to bring him Home tonight."
Tracy shook her head and started to cry. "Please Andrew, no! Tell me that it's not true! It can't be his time tonight! There is still so much that we have to talk about!"
The Angel of Death took Tracy in his arms and rubbed her neck gently. "Shhhh.... it's okay, Tracy. God knows how much you both still have to talk about and I know it too. I promise you that one day, you and Roger will get the chance to see each other again and then you both can talk about EVERYTHING in a place that is so beautiful, you can't even imagine it! But right now, he has to go to that place first."
Andrew held Tracy tightly and let her cry. He knew that it was hard for her to say good-bye to the only person who understood how she was feeling. The friendship and talks between Roger, Tracy and Andrew were something special to her and she knew that she wouldn't find anything like that again.
As if Andrew could read her mind, he moved her back a little and looked right into Tracy's eyes. "You won't lose your friendship with Roger and me. I promise you! I'll tell you something. Nancy created a great tradition here on earth that she is continuing in heaven too. She, some other angels and me meet each other a few times each year for dinner and talks. I'm sure that Roger will participate when he gets there too. And one day, when your time comes... wouldn't you like to join us?!" Andrew smiled from ear to ear when he saw the soft smile on Tracy's face as she slowly nodded.
"Andrew, can't I come with you two tonight?" she asked shyly. Tracy already knew what Andrew's answer would be, but she also knew that she HAD to ask.
The angel shook his head. "No Tracy, it's not your time. You still have some work to do here on earth!"
"Does he know it? I mean, that he is going to die tonight?"
"No. I thought you would like to be with him when I will tell him."
Tracy nodded. "Yes, and I would also like to spend his last hours with him, if you don't mind."
Andrew smiled. "Why should I mind? I'm sure Roger would like to have you at his side too!"
With this, both angel and human walked along the corridor toward Roger's room.
***************
Roger was asleep when Andrew and Tracy entered his room. They walked up to his bed, Andrew on his right side and Tracy on his left. Andrew took Roger's hand and gently called his name. Roger slowly opened his eyes. They grew wide as he saw Andrew in his official clothing. He knew that this was his time. He felt it in his whole body and now he knew for certain what Andrew had been telling him all along - 'there is nothing to be afraid of.'
Tracy took his other hand. "I'm here too Roger." Tears welled up in her eyes. Roger tried to tell her that there was nothing to be sad about, but it was Andrew who had to interpret it for Tracy. Tracy saw that Roger was trying to tell her something, but he no longer could control his muscles to form words. She tried to lean forward to hear better, but to no
avail.
Andrew said with a smile, "Tracy, what Roger is trying to say is that you shouldn't be sad. This is nothing to cry about."
Tracy looked from Roger to Andrew and then back at Roger. Roger tried his best to smile and nod, using the few muscles he still had control over. Then he felt once more how his strength returned. He raised his hand and wiped Tracy's tears away. "Tracy, don't weep. We'll soon see each other again, I promise. Right now Iknow it's my time to go with Andrew. I wasn't ready before, but now I am. Trust God, He's the best friend we've got."
Andrew smiled as he heard Roger's words. "Yes, He is. Tracy, I don't know when your time will come - yet. But I will be there for you and so will He, and one day soon enough you will see each other again." With that Andrew turned his attention to Roger. "It's time, Roger," he said gently.
Roger relaxed and felt himself being lifted to his feet by Andrew's strong hand. He opened his eyes and saw that he was indeed standing beside Andrew. He turned around and saw himself lying on the bed, and Tracy, wiping her tears, on the chair beside him. Roger turned back to Andrew. He felt the anticipation and happiness growing inside him. He smiled happily and nodded. He was ready to go Home.