A/N: This was written as a companion piece to Heart of the Lover, but can absolutely be viewed as a standalone. Once again, I think that the characters are far more complex than the good/evil labels that are so often given to them. Whether he is right or wrong and whatever your opinions are on imprinting, Sam's character is entitled to his feelings and his perspective. This is just one take on his story, which could've gone so many ways. Feel free to interpret it as you see fit :) Cheers! -Chrys
(Edit: The third and last piece in this series is now up under the title 'Strength of the Fighter', presented from Leah's perspective.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. All rights belong to the Stephenie Meyer.
SHAME OF THE SINNER
It feels wrong to love them both, but he does, and he hangs his head in shame for the heartache he has caused. It is not his fault, but destiny has made it so, and because it is his destiny, it has become his cross to bear. He has always strived to be a good, honourable man, unlike his father. But in spite of all his efforts, he knows that he has fallen short. He has done both Leah and Emily a grave injustice, and it kills him inside.
Whenever he looks at Leah, he sees the snarky teenage tomboy who blossomed into a lovely young woman in his arms as they learned to live and love and dance in a world that was theirs to own. He remembers how perfect she seemed for him then. Everything about her was unyieldingly honest, and he admired her for it. She was sweet and loving, fiery and tenacious, strong and independent, and he could not, at the time, imagine wanting anything more in a woman. They shared so many good memories, so many firsts, and he had wanted to be with her for so many more. In their minds they had built a wonderful future for themselves, one filled with endless possibilities that they would discover hand in hand. He looks at her now and sees this future as a dream from once upon a time, and in his heart he mourns the loss of what they could have had.
She hates him now, and he does not blame her. She has every right in the world to despise him. He lets her have her hate, because it is all that he can give her now that he has given his heart away and broken hers. She spits at him with scorn and disdain, but even as she pummels him with her fits of rage, he can see the love still shining in her eyes, masked by the flames of her fury. Underneath her tough exterior, she still cares for him, and that makes him sad, but that is who she is. He wishes he could rid her of her pain, but it is not possible. He misses her too, but it is not enough.
He loves Leah, this he cannot deny. He just doesn't love her enough anymore, because he loves Emily more. Emily came into his life out of nowhere, casting a bright light over his existence. He knew, from the moment he met her, that she was meant for him, and him for her. She is smaller than Leah, softer, more timid, a gentle spirit with a quiet strength to her that is clear to everyone who knows her. Her presence fills him with a warm glow that emanates from the very core of his being, and it makes him happy, makes him smile, makes his days easier, his burdens lighter. He does not love Emily because she is like Leah, or unlike Leah; he loves her because she is Emily.
Leah insists that a veil has fallen over his eyes, but he disagrees. He believes that the veil has been lifted. He sees the world with more clarity now than he ever did before. Every decision he makes is made with conviction, every action executed with absolute precision. He lives each day with a heightened awareness of each moment, and this empowers him. Contrary to what Leah thinks, he is not weakened by his bond with Emily; it strengthens him, and he regards it as the highest blessing.
It is a blessing that he very nearly destroyed. One mistake, and she could have died. Every time he looks at Emily now, he sees a reflection of his inner monster staring back at him. She is still gorgeous. To him, she will always be gorgeous. But the scars are a constant reminder of who he is, what he is, and what he could have done. He has now hurt the two women who mean the most to him in the world, and the damage is irreparable. The guilt never leaves him, and he doesn't want it to because it is exactly what he deserves. He deserves to suffer for his sins against them both. He deserves to look at them and know their pain and know that he was the one who put it there.
He deserves it, but they do not. Neither Leah nor Emily deserves the cards that fate has dealt them. At times he wishes for a different reality, one in which he never got to know either of them, so that both would be spared the heartbreak. But how can he truly regret his devotion to Emily, or those beautiful firsts with Leah? He can't. He treasures those experiences, holds them close to his heart, because they have taught him so much about life and love and himself. So instead, all he can do is despair, because he cannot take any of it back even if he wanted to, and even though they both deserve so much better than the likes of him.
Still he loves them both, and for that he is ashamed, because Emily has a right to all of him, and so does Leah. But he cannot offer his whole self to either, because each has already claimed a piece of him. He knows that his future lies solely with Emily – of that there is no question, for he cannot imagine spending the rest of his life without her. It will be a difficult life, filled with many challenges, but it will also be a magnificent journey, one that he intends to savour every minute of. Yet, in his secret heart, he still dreams of the life he could have had with Leah, wishing he could make good on all of his promises to her. He dreams, but knows that it is not possible, because at the end of the day, destiny has spoken, and destiny is Emily, and it is to her that all of those promises now belong.