A/N : Hi readers. This is by far the most serious story I have ever wrote. It talks about something very serious. I've seen several stories about self harm on here. Sad thing is, most of them do not understand the human mind or emotions. A lot of times "mocking" people who self harm. It is in no way a funny issue. I have a girlfriend that had a serious self harming problem. Keep in mind, cutting is not the only form of self harm. Eating disorders and drug abuse are also self harm. I write this story to honor my girlfriend who I am proud of. She went to therapy and got help. I ask that everyone keep an open mind about this story. Warning : Graphic details and talk of deep dark emotions. If you have a self harm problem do not read this story. Ok that's it. Enjoy the story.
Callie voiceover :
Sometimes life sucks. It can pull us into the darkest places of our minds. It's so much harder when it's you watching someone you love suffer so bad.
Arizona sits in the supply closet of SGH. Her pager beeping but she's ignoring it. Her heart pounds with anger and sadness. Her sweaty hand holds
on to a scalpel. The sharp edge looking to be the solution. She can hear voices outside the door but it doesn't affect her at all. Taking a deep breath,
she rolls up her sleeve. Slowly, she places the sharp tool to her arm. Then swiftly, makes an even 2 inch long cut. Relief fills her immediately, as the sticky
blood rolls down her arm. With a bandage at the side, Arizona picks it up and opens it. Quickly placing it on her arm, she keeps up after composing her
self enough. Unlocking the door, she walks out. To her surprise Owen is standing nearby. Making eye contact, he gives her a stern look. Then walks to
her.
" Arizona ! Where the hell have you been ! ? I've paged you for fifteen minutes !"
" Sorry Owen. I was...busy."
" What could have you so busy in the supply closet ? That's crazy. Dr. Robbins I don't know what's going on. I'm ordering you to go rest in the on call room.
Go now. This isn't up for debate. I have work to do."
Seeing that Owen is serious, Arizona nods and does as she's told. Going in the on call room, she flops down on the bed. Her mind concerned Owen will
page Callie. There's no way she was up for explaining this. Her wife would not believe any lie she told to prevent truth being known. An ugly truth she was
ashamed of. Even though today was the first time she ever cut, she had the thoughts for weeks. Shaking the thoughts, Arizona falls into a deep sleep.
Callie is doing surgery in OR 2. Owen walks in the door suddenly and Callie looks up.
" Dr. Hunt, something wrong ?
" When you finish this surgery, take Dr. Robbins home Dr. Torres."
Giving him a strange look, worry consumes her. Something is definitely wrong with Arizona.
" Dr. Hunt, what is wrong with my wife ? Is she sick ?"
" I honestly don't know. Whatever it is, it's distracting her badly."
Callie takes a deep breath.
" Ok, I'll be done in thirty minutes or so. Then I'll take her home."
Nodding, Owen walks out and Callie shakes her head. Thirty minutes later, Callie washes her hands and leaves the OR 2. Then makes her way to the on call room.
Going inside, she sees Arizona curled up asleep on the bed. Callie kneels down to her and feels her forehead and finds no fever. Arizona opens her eyes
recognizing the gental hand.
" Hey Callie."
" Hey baby. You feel ok ?"
" Yeah just tired."
" Let's get home then. My shift is over. Come on honey."
Knowing something isn't right, Callie lifts her wife to a standing position then puts her in a wheelchair. To her surprise, Arizona don't protest.
Getting to the car, Callie puts Arizona in. Then goes back in to get Sofia. Getting Sofia in the car, Callie drives home worried about Arizona.
Once home, they all go inside. Arizona lies on the couch and Callie puts Sofia in her crib. Going back in the living room, she sits down lifting
Arizona's leg on her lap.
" Owen came and got me Arizona. He's worried about you and so am I. What's going on honey ?
" Nothing, just tired."
" Arizona, I'm in no mood for your lies. I want the truth. Now what's going on here ?"
" I can't tell you Callie. I just can't ok ?"
" No, it's not ok. I'm no psychologist but I know something is wrong with you. Something serious."
" There's nothing you can do to help me Callie."
" Arizona, I love you. You seem so distant...so haunted by something. It scares me cause I have
no idea what's wrong. You need to open up...be honest with me."
" I hurt all the time. Every minute since...the accident."
" I know you do. But you haven't told me the details. You keep everything inside."
" Because it's easier."
" Obviously not. Today is proof of that. I've been patient but it stops now. What were you
doing in the supply closet today ?"
" Something I shouldn't but felt I had no choice."
" What's that Arizona ?"
It's then Arizona holds out her arm and lifts up her sleeve for Callie to see. Callie gasps at the cuts two side by side. Her smooth hand traces the cuts.
She glances at Arizona in swallows hard knowing what has happened. Honestly she wasn't expecting this. Realizing shad been blind to
how much pain her wife is in. It made her heart ache and tears fill her eyes.
" Arizona...I...I don't know what to say. This...is terrible. Why in the world would you turn to this ?"
" I didn't know what else to do. My dreams, my leg, and my co workers are constant reminders that I nearly got killed.
Almost didn't come back. I watched Lexie die and Mark was on the verge of death. I think about how we drank our
own urine cause of thirst...stayed hungry for days. How my leg hurt an unbearable pain. Just not knowing if we would
live past it. I thought of you and Sofia. I thought of mom and dad. The thoughts and images are torturous. They never
leave. I've lost my voice...but...but I...I need you so much. I feel like my world is crashing down on me. Like I can't
breathe. So scared I'm gonna lose myself in the pain and memories."
Callie couldn't take it anymore. She pulls Arizona into her arms and rocks her back and forth.
" I'm here. I will always be here. I'm sorry I didn't realize but I do now. You have to go to therapy Arizona.
You have PTSD and I should have known better than to think you'd be ok without therapy. It just isn't
possible. But I can still be here for you. The cutting is a sign you've held emotions in. Way to
many. But it's just you and me here. Let it all out baby...it's ok I promise let it out.."
The last words spoken hit Arizona like a ton of bricks. Hot salty tears fall hard and fast. Her body shakes with grief.
Her cries echo through the living room as she clings to her wife for dear life.
Even though it's a sad afternoon, Callie is grateful for the private time between her and Arizona. The woman in
arms means so much to her. There's nothing she won't do for Arizona.