Title: Ten Second Shots
Author: Lioness Black
Rating: R
Summary: Benny found April in every way.
Notes: This was written for soscaredtolove for rentficathon on LJ.
Warnings: April-death. In the usual fashion.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just good fun.
So, this is the end. The official end.
Everything was clean. There was no blood on the walls, none on the floor. He doubted there was even blood on the shower curtain. Everything looked like it had when he had left that morning, even his shaving cream and disposable razor sitting in an orderly fashion on the corners of the sink next to the cup full of multi-colored toothbrushes, one for every roommate. The toothpaste, with its end rolled up perfectly sat behind the faucet, undisturbed.
Benny felt like he was seeing things in short ten second shots, like one of Mark's artsy movies that he didn't like, maybe because they were stupid, or maybe because he didn't understand them.
Clean floor.
Shaving cream.
Toothpaste.
April in the tub, the water hitting her just above her breasts, one arm casually sitting up on the edge with a hole in her wrist.
It was a hole, as though a line wasn't good enough. She had to attack it from every angle. As though her wrist was at fault for everything.
Benny wondered, briefly, where the razor was. He looked at the red water and figured it was in the depths somewhere.
"Oh my god."
The sound of a bag being dropped onto the floor. It was a dull thud, but it echoed in the silence.
It was Mark. Benny knew it was Mark, but he turned to look anyway.
Mark's face was the portrait of shock. His eyes wide, jaw dropped so slightly.
From his expression, Benny could only wonder if he had loved April too.
---
"Nothing makes it feel like home like a peanut butter and jelly sammich," April said, pronouncing the word with two m's. Her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing her glasses. She usually wore contacts, but at night she switched to the glasses. She wore flannel pajama pants and a large grey Harvard sweatshirt. She hadn't gone to Harvard, she had picked it up at a thrift store.
"I feel that way about chicken noodle soup," Benny had replied. "The homemade stuff, with big egg noodles. Not the shit out of a can."
"Have you ever tried not adding water to canned chicken noodle soup? Is it overwhelmingly chicken-y?" She pushed the two pieces of bread together. A little bit of grape jelly oozed out one side, but she didn't notice.
"No, I haven't. I had that stuff once, but it wasn't what my mom made, so I didn't go back."
"Snob," April said, her voice teasing. "My mom makes fantastic homemade macaroni and cheese, but I still like the stuff out of a box. With the unnatural powder cheese? I'm not expecting it to be what my mom makes. It's good for what it's supposed to be."
She took a bite of the sandwich and a glob of jelly dropped onto her sweater. "Shit!" she snapped, bread crumbs flying out her mouth as she chewed and pulled off the sweatshirt. She was wearing a tank top under it, but it was enough to catch Benny's breath in his throat.
She took a damp cloth to the jelly spot, Benny touched her arm. He was going to say something. She looked up and somehow they were kissing.
In Benny's mind, he was definitely going to say something. He hadn't stood up simply to kiss her. Why would he? The moment wasn't romantic, she wasn't especially beautiful then, but there it was.
---
"Roger."
"What?"
Mark made eye contact with Benny. "Is Roger here? Is he... did he see? He could be anywhere, and if he..."
Benny thought Roger was better off wherever he was, whether he knew April was dead or not. He was probably off getting a blow job from some sixteen year old girl. If knew April was dead, then he was probably jumping off a bridge.
"Shouldn't we call someone?" Benny asked. His voice felt rational and calm. He was still seeing things in ten second shots.
"Call who?" Mark's voice cracked.
"I.. don't know." He turned and looked at April again. She looked like a wax figure. "Who do you call to clean up a body?"
"Clean up... you make it sound like..."
Benny shot Mark a glare, but Mark had already stopped speaking.
"Nine-one-one would know," Mark said, backing away. He wasn't looking at Benny. He probably didn't even know Benny was glaring at him. He was looking at April again.
"Mark, are you going to throw up?"
"Maybe. Maybe later."
---
"I shouldn't be doing this."
That's why she always said as she sat up in Benny's bed, looking for her clothes. She looked for her clothes, just to put them on and walk to Roger's room and wait for him to take them off.
"You know he cheats," Benny said. "And you know he does drugs. You don't do either of those things."
"I think this is classified as cheating."
"Well... other than this."
She turned to him and smiled. "Fighting fire with fire isn't the way to handle this. This... we have to stop."
"Break up with him, then."
"It's not that easy."
"April. It is that easy."
"Roger has been there for me in the past. We have a past. When I lost the baby-"
"He started doing drugs and fucking around."
"It's how he deals," she snapped. "He wanted it so bad, you can't understand that. He was there for me, and I couldn't be there for him. That's why he does what he does."
"It's an excuse!"
She stood up. "If that's an excuse, then so is this. I can't fucking do this. I don't even know why..."
"Because he's not there for you now," Benny said, reaching his hand out to her. "You can't stay with him just because he was good to you once."
"I feel so guilty," April said, sitting down again. "I still love him, but... I want... I... I don't know anymore."
---
Mark was on the phone. He was talking to an operator. Nine-one-one, four-one-one, it was all the same at this point. April was dead. It's not like they were in some kind of hurry.
Benny walked into the bathroom. He looked at the floor, he looked at the walls, he inspected the door. Closeup, he couldn't face April. It wasn't even really April. It was a ten second shot of film. He looked at the back of the door.
WE HAVE AIDS.
It was there, written in black marker on the back of the door. It wasn't there that morning. It was April's handwriting. He turned and looked at her body, as though she was going to explain it to him.
AIDS. AIDS? When? Why? What the hell made her go get tested? Was it Roger?
Roger.
Benny pushed the door open, the knob slamming against the wall. Seeing life through moments of film was replaced with seeing red. "Where the fuck is he? Where the hell is Roger?"
Mark jumped. "I don't know. I told you that five minutes ago." The phone was still in his hand.
"That bastard! That selfish fucking bastard! He went down and he took me and April with him!"
"What are you..."
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him. Roger is going to fucking die!"
"Benny!" Mark set the phone down on the table next to base. There was a tinny voice of an operator, but they didn't sound like real words. "Calm down! What are you talking about?"
"AIDS. She has... had, she... she left a note."
"She had... AIDS?" Mark's face went pale. "Oh, god. Roger."
"Forget fucking Roger! It's his fault! You know he fucked someone without a condom, or he, he, he used a dirty needle, it's his fucking fault! He gave it to her. He gave it..."
"I can't forget Roger. He's the one who's still alive!"
Benny punched Mark. He couldn't help it. He didn't mean to take it out on Mark, he had been friends with Mark for years, but how the hell could he defend that bastard? How could he defend him when April was dead because of him?
Mark didn't say anything about being hit. He looked at Benny as though with new eyes. "You and April."
Suddenly, keeping their secret seemed more important. Benny took a step back. "What about-"
"You said he took you and April down with him. You were fucking April, weren't you?"
"Roger's a shithead."
"He's been through more than you could ever imagine."
"He should have been there for her. Why do you think she turned to me? He's useless. He's cheating, he's shooting up everyday. We all know it, but we don't do anything about it. She did something about it, she came to me. She needed someone to be there for her."
Mark stared up at Benny, his jaw sticking out stubbornly, expecting another blow. "Obviously, you weren't enough."
Benny's whole body jerked. It was easy to blame everything on Roger. But Mark was right. If he had really been there... she wouldn't have...
Things turned into another series of ten second shots.
Mark's face.
Floor.
Phone.
Memory.
April in his arms.
April happy.
Benny turned and walked away.
"Where are you going?" Mark asked.
"To buy paint for the door."
---
He loved the way her skin felt. It was soft everywhere. He loved just lying in bed with her. He loved touching her. She was warm.
She rolled over onto her back and looked up at him. "What are you thinking about?"
"That I love you."
April smiled and pressed her hand against his cheek. "I know you do."