What doesn't kill you

Chapter One

Lot's of you have asked me to share this story again and although I didn't want to be posting two stories at the same time I decided there would be no harm in seeing if people did enjoy reading it again.

In my mind this starts around the time of the infamous inquiry.

The letterbox rattled as the days post landed with a dull thud on the hall mat. Another day had begun, another day of tedium and regret. Another day to be filled with pointless and mind numbing activities. Oh how the mighty have fallen he thought. Here he was the great Harry Pearce, leader of men (and women), a man who had commanded the respect and fear of many reduced to waiting for the post man to deliver so that he could occupy a few minutes sorting the bills from the other dross that landed on the mat. Since his enforced early retirement on medical grounds time had hung heavily on his shoulders, he'd sacrificed so much for the service and now he was paying the price.

Of course no one but those closest to him would ever know just how deep his feelings of despair and disappointment went. He still dined at his club two or three times a month, was still an active member of the M.C.C. and was always immaculately turned out. He always gave the impression that he was busy, had many irons in the fire but of course he couldn't talk about any of them. And because he was such a master of his craft his acquaintances and peers thought that Harry Pearce was doing just fine.

Well at least today would be a little different; today was his birthday, so there would be cards. He was sure that his daughter would send him one, if he was lucky his son Graham would have remembered, ( he had become closer to his son since his life changing injuries and subsequent breakdown ) there would be one from his old team at Thames House and of course Malcolm would have popped a card in the post even though he'd be coming round later in the day to share a meal and a bottle with him. But said the nagging voice at the back of his mind She won't be sending you a card, she won't even remember it's your birthday Harry, to her you're just an old man best forgotten. Even so a small flame of hope burned in his chest until he bent to pick up the accumulated post and no there was no card from her. No card from Ruth.

A couple of hours later and he'd given in to his inner demons and was nursing his first Scotch of the day, he knew that he drank too much but truth be told he didn't bloody care, it helped him get through the long days, it helped him cope with the loneliness and he liked to think of it as self medication rather than the addiction that it was fast becoming.

Inevitably his thoughts ran back to the last time he had seen and spoken to Ruth. He shuddered when he remembered what a complete boor he'd been, how selfish and egotistical he'd been. The Albany enquiry had been halted and he was back on the Grid, booted and suited, ready to crack a few heads and flex his muscles. Ready to show his detractors that Harry Pearce was still a force to reckoned with …...

When he'd entered the Grid his eyes had automatically sought her out but for some reason she'd looked abashed and slightly nervous, unsure in fact and for some reason that had irked him, she was after all supposed to be on his side, she should have been as pleased as he was He had noticed that when he had exited the pods everyone had gathered around him offering congratulations, everyone but Ruth, she'd reminded sitting at her desk, not raising her head, not even looking at him. She should have been willing to share in his triumph. And as a result he had been less than welcoming when she'd entered his office a while later.

"Yes Ruth, can I help you, I'm rather busy right now. Can it wait?"

" I need to talk to you Harry, and no I don't think that it can wait. I have something to tell you...And please for the love of God Harry will you stop pacing and listen."

Looking back he now realised that she had been kind when she had accused him of pacing when in fact what he was doing was strutting like a rooster in a farmyard, God Almighty he had been all but preening!

She then had proceeded to inform him that she had been offered a secondment to Six and that she had accepted it! That she would be leaving the Grid that very afternoon!

He had exploded, he had been playing over in his mind how they would work together again, how she must have come to realise how much she meant to him, he had been willing to lose everything for her. Surely she must have understood that his actions had been a declaration of love!And now she was telling him that she was leaving him again! It seemed that she was not even willing to give them a chance, he had so much to offer her and she was throwing it back in his face. And to say she was going to work for Six that was an insult too far! He had played over in his mind many times the exchange...

"What do you mean? You can't work for Six. You are my analyst. You belong here with me...us!"

"As of two hours ago Harry I work for Six, I'm only here to clear my desk. When you are feeling calmer you will realise that this is all for the best. It will be better all round if we put some space between us Harry. As you said; We move on from this"

And she had been so calm about the whole thing, she had kept her head down it was true, she didn't look him in the eye and she was fiddling with her fingers all the time she delivered what appeared to him to be a well rehearsed speech and that had only wound him up more. The mixture of disappointment and disbelief at what she was saying coupled with the adrenalin that was pulsing through his veins as a result of his triumph was a heady and corrosive combination. How dare she spoil his moment of victory, how dare she once more snatch away from him the longed for, yearned for; hope that they might have a future together.

"Well Miss Evershed I think that you will find I am STILL your boss and I refuse to sign the paperwork so no such transfer will take place! I suggest that you go back to your desk and do some bloody work instead of coming in here and winding me up!"

All the while that he had been speaking he had been aware that his voice had been rising and that all those on the Grid had stopped work and were staring into his office.

"Harry, the D.G. and the Home Secretary have signed the transfer form. It's a done deal Harry. No more to be said."

That's when he really lost it, he had screamed at her, he had swept everything off his desk with one sweep of his arm and he had been vaguely aware that he was advancing towards her when his office door had opened and Dmitri had stood there a look of concern plain on his face. Ruth had backed towards the younger man and made her escape with his parting words ringing in his ears...

"Yes that's right Ruth run, run like you always do! God forbid that you should be happy for me, God forbid that you would see a way forward from this. You are a bloody coward Ruth Evershed, a bloody selfish coward!"

He had been going to follow her out onto the Grid and continue his tirade such was the state that he had got himself into but at that moment his phone rang and he had to scramble about on the floor to find it. By the time he had located and answered it she had gone!

He knew that he should have followed her then and there but his pride was hurt and he decided that he would let her stew for a few hours before he went round to her place and talked to her calmly and persuaded her that she was talking nonsense and that the last thing she wanted to do was to leave him.

t.b.c.

I hope that anyone who reads this will think it is worth commenting on. All feedback positive or negative is more than welcome.