A/N: Co-written fic, ladies and gents! Kat and Shoa UK. This is what happens when you give us coffee and crappy television the night after seeing ROTK!
Notes: This is just mindless Aragorn and Legolas torture. Set in the bathhouses of Gondor, it gets quite hilarious when Aragorn invades Leggsie' bath space XD!
All is from Legolas' POV
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Bubbles 'n' BumsSeriously, being on a quest isn't that good. I mean, how many times can you demand a toilet stop before Gandalf gets pissed off? When is it okay to demand a beauty stop? How many times is acceptable for food stops? All these questions must be answered! But later after I've had my bath… what? MY HAIR NEEDS TO BE CLEAN!! *twitch*
Okay, well I asked Gandalf and we can stop here in Gondor to use the facilities! YAY ^.^! I get to clean and prune and groom… ahem. Indeed. Follow me to the bathing pool…
*at the bathing pool*
First, the fangirl check, there is absolutely no point in taking all my clothes off if they're near! I mean, I can put up with the ravishing and chasing and screaming but do you have any idea how much it costs to replace all those items of clothes they maul?! *shudder* There's no way Valar does mail order all the way out here in mortal land… and I'm running out of clothing.
So. no fangirls around, thank god. So just to let you know so you can go get tissues or a spatula or whatever. I am about to TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES. *de-robes* Okay. you can get up now… seriously. HEY GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION! Thank you. Elf Prince ego to feed here! Hey what sort of dive should I do? Gotta make an entrance right? I have the swan, the avenging angel or the bath bomb.
………
Bath bomb, seriously? I mean, it messes up the do, man. Fine, fine, okay I'll do your bidding, oh reader. Here we go: one super duper bath bomb dive for you evil… errr... lovely controlling people out there.
*dives*
Ahh… the water, washing away all the un-elfy grime and grease that those men seem so keen on wearing. They just won't listen to me, no elf chicks like the grease. ESPECIALLY not Arwen, she's just in it for the money… oh and the fame. I mean, I can't speak for Gondorian women but if they have any self-respect they will also shun the grease. NO ONE LIKES IT! Listen up-
Uh oh… Horny Aragorny's here. Is it just me or does he just use any excuse to get close to big guys in armour? Maybe Arwen's whole 'waiting until we're married' thing is getting to him. Well, that's what she tells him anyway, in truth everyone's had her elf ass. In fact more a case of who hasn't, I think even Gimli got in there at one point.
By Valar, mortal! This is NOT a communal bathing pool! Just 'cos we're all men does not, I repeat NOT, make it all right for you to share my water space. Ewww… I can see the grease making a film on the water already and you're not even in it. And, oh Valar… why? Why do it? There is absolutely no need to remove those things in my presence!
Whoa, well at least I know why Arwen's got the hots for you. Even I'm tempted…
"Ahhh… it's good to relax after a hard days work…"
Huh…? What?! Are you talking to ME?! Can you see my gorgeous, blue, elfin eyes?! They're tired! Hellooooooooo, this is my bath! Bugger off, foolish mortal… Ignore him, Legolas… Soon enough he will realise you aren't listening. That's right, just lean back in the nice, relaxing warm water and blank him out…
"…Especially in my home land… I'm so glad to be back in Gondor."
Is he STILL talking to me?! GET OUT OF MY WATER, HUMAN!! You're making it even more filthy… Wait, what are you doing?! Don't submerge yourself!! Especially with your hair! Your grease laden hair that hasn't been washed for months! NOO!
…Grrr… Damn you… You think you're big and hard 'cos you're a King and all and you can dive into my water and mess it all up. Wait, big and hard? Errr… Legolas you did not think that… especially about Estel… Calm yourself… think nice thoughts, just wash your hair. That'll make things better…
o_O What are you looking at? Shush! I know you're stalking me, oh joyful reader, but can't you see this is a crisis?! MY nice, clean bath water is now dirty and it hasn't been two minutes. Sigh, nice work A-R-A-G-O-R-N. All I wanted was some time to myself… bastard...
"What do you think, Legolas?"
WHAT?! Aren't you still under the water?! What do I think?! I think you're making me even more dirty than I started out! "Uh, yeah, it's good to rest."
What the frigg?! Why did you say that?! You're making unnecessary conversation! And HE'S making me nervous… uhh… does he keep edging closer? Or am I sinking or something? Damn, he has a fine chest… okay, if you ever say that again, Legolas Greenleaf, I will personally torture you. Yes, I will abuse myself. You'd like that wouldn't you, you sick people…?
"You seem tense."
Do I NEED to raise an eyebrow at you?! Of course I am! You're making my water dirty. "I'm fine." I'm not really of course… I only came in here to wash my hair, clean myself, prune up a bit, and YOU joined me and broke my serenity! Bitch! Grrr… Go away… Please… you're making me uneasy… in a weird sort of, I don't really want you to go away but I do, way. If you follow, fine reader of course.
"Maybe you should lighten up a bit?" Lighten up?! How?! You're- oh… wait… my elven senses are tingling… damn, Estel! Why are you looking at me like that?! Scary, human! Scary! Back, back I say!
"I'm fine, really."
"I'm not convinced."
Damn you to buggery…! My water! Think about my water! Nooooo, oh no, don't come any closer to me!! And please stop eyeing me up… "I am in no need of assistance, thank you Aragorn."
"Really?" YEAH! REALLY!! -_-;; Man whore. No you may not loofah my back, nor may you pepper my beautiful skin with your kisses. OMG, he is affecting me. Move away… I swear he is about to lunge for me. This is my body, for MY pleasure only…not like that you perverts, well not at the moment anyway… okay if I pay you will you not ever mention I said that?
Valaaaarr… I am gonna puke. *retches* Please tell me Aragorn found the bubble button and that was not what I thought it was. Eugh, men are so disgusting! If he thinks that is a turn on he is waaaay off. Belches work far better… kidding! (Please don't send me your family videos of belching competitions… I will not come to whisk you away whatever happens.)
SHITTTT!!!!!
*Aragorn dives for Legolas*
That was a bloody close one! Now he's doing the lad laugh. T'IS NOT FUNNY! We are not rugby players, nor am I butch. I'm a delicate being. THAT WAS AN INVASION OF PERSONAL SPACE! *wails* There has to be some sort of weapon around here… Geez, I can't even get out or he might wrestle me to the ground and… lets not go there eh? For my sanity. Maybe not yours, 'cos I know what you people are like. Especially you two puppeteers… I can see you and I'm not impressed. Its not big- well it is, but that's not the point- and it's not funny.
OOOO! I have it, my trusty guide (the A-Z of battle tactics for Blondes) will give me an answer to this predicament. Ah yes, chapter three: Create a diversion. "In the scenario use a diversionary force..." Maybe not chapter three then. Okay chapter nine: "Convince the enemy you are dumb yet attractive". This baby might work. Coeee!
Okay, so here we go, any second now my body will go limp and I'll act retarded. Three… two… one… GO! Blub, blub, yes, I'm siiiiiiiiinking, Estel, come saveeeeeee meeee….
"Legolas?"
"….Muh?" Blub blub. "Ahh…" There we go, I added a breathless gasp for effect that should get his heart racing as I sink beneath the dirty water.
"Legolas?!" And there is the concern in his voice. As long as he keeps his distance for a littttle bit I'm cool.
So yeah, this is me… Prince of Mirkwood, submerged in water up to my eyeballs… dirty water I may add… and giggling like an idiot. Or so the book tells me to do so… blasted thing, I bet this won't work. I close my eyes and sigh. Damn, this is degrading.
"LEGOLAS!!"
WHAT??!! ACK! Unhand me, you jugged commoner!! Heeeeeeelp! I'm being raped! OW! Mind where you put your hands, Estel!! Stop touching me! I'm not dumbly drowning really, ya know! STOP TOUCHING ME!! Accccccck!!
"I'm fine!"
"...What?!"
Now please can you get off of me so that I can actually get BACK IN THE BATH?! I do not appreciate being dumped out on the bath side and being viciously molested by you at this time in an evening, tis not healthy! …As if it was ever healthy anyway… gah…
"I'm okay." Actually, Aragorn, come to think of it, I fancy you like fuck. O_O I mean, damn, we're both naked, and you're lying on top of me after a heroic rescue. Please… just, PLEASE… whatever you do… don't grind… It's the most erotic thing in the world concerning anything and would arouse suspicion… in more ways than one I'm sure.
….Noooooo…. STOP LOOKING AT ME!! "So, can we get back in, now?" PLEASE?! Do I need to PLEAD?!
"Sure."
YAAAAAAY! There is a God, just ANYTHING to get out of this situation. Hell, I MAY have been drowning of a sort, but there was no need to try and rape me! Frigging horny humans! I've heard of their reputations you know… heard they like to shag so often they tire themselves out. Well, not with this elf! Not today!
Maybe tomorrow I can find a space in my diary, but I doubt it. I have a very full schedule. Signings, photoshoots etc, etc. Just no room for this man in my life, I'm afraid its not going to work between us Aragorn. I hope that's weed twining around my leg…oh, shit it's…something? Maybe he thinks its weed… uhhhh, or not… whatever. What do I do? Smile? No that would just encourage him. Hit him? Nuh uh, pretty elf knuckles to think of girlies. Ya know punching just ruins that bone structure. Quick, it's getting higher…
"Aragorn! I am not feel up Barbie! LET ME GO!"
"I'm not touching you…"
Who the fuck is fondling my groin area then! Oh god there's cupping going on…who the hell!? This is going too far I'm gonna have to see what's down there.
*Puts head under water*
O_O
*Looks again*
"Aragorn, just look down there a sec..." Much as I loathe doing this I have to get a second opinion. He has a manic glint in his eye but I really need to know.
"Yes, Legolas, there is a dwarf down there."
Okay, I know that was a girly scream and a nancy leap out of the water but when you have ninety pounds of dwarf under the water and they only come to waist height its time to worry. Damn it. Damn it to hell, my leg was tingling too… errrrrrrrrrr….. gross _
In fact, I'm going to drag Estel out of there… Here I go. Ya know, I thought I'd never hear myself say this, but I'd rather be in that filthy water than have a furry dwarf try to sexually arouse me. Eugh… Now wait, Estel is giving me that 'why thank you, my hero' look. Nooooooo… damn you! In fact, damn it all! I need to sleep… NOT with Estel mind you… GOD, you mortal people are all so perverted!
"Braaaaararaaa! Master Legolas! Please do come back into the water!!"
What… in… the… nameee…??!! There's a floating bog of hairy substances in MY BATH!! IT'S RUINED! *wails* And I thought being with Aragorn was bad… I'd rather be with him… No... I didn't say that… in fact… I'd rather be at home watching Bagenders. I mean, WTF is that swimming around like a dead moss patch, in MY bath?! Just LOOK at it! It's got arms and eyes and everything! It's like… like… I dunno! A THING!
"Gimli…" Ohohooooo… I'm sooo gonna give it to him for ruining my bath even more…
"BarARRarARaa, mmyesssss? *Burble*"
"GET OUT!!"
Whoa… hang on a sec… My eyes are shifting and my elf senses are tingling again… "ARAGORN??!" Where the fuck has he gone?! Noo! He's left me! Alone! In the same room as a swimming hairbrush! GAH! I'm gonna kill him… urrrmm… as soon as I put some clothes on... this towel I have won't suffice anymore… Sigh.
*Glances around* Ugh… Gimli is still paddling in there… DRAIN THE BATHS! We've a sticker! It's gonna clog the plug holes!
So… um, where are my clothes…? o_O …
…….
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! _!!! MAIL ME CLOTHES!! Someone! Noo!! Estel has run off with my clothes! SON OF A BITCH! He wants them for himselves!! GRRRR!!…. Ohohooo.. once I get out of this bath house and into something decent he is soooooo in for it…
Okay, this towel is very restricting. Venture carefully now, Legolas… he could be around any corner waiting to snatch the towel too. Jeebus, where did these guys put the changing rooms? You'd think an establishment like this would have some and not leave poor half naked elves to wander around the palace corridors? It's okay at the moment, the females are still fainting as I walk by. It's only if they wake up am I in trouble. Uh oh, now the guys are giving me looks too, this is getting scary if I don't find some goddamned clothes soon I'm gonna go elf shit. Ooooh, here looks promising! Very nice room, good view too. Now what's in the wardrobe…
"AHHHCK! ESTEL!" GODDAMNIT! The man just jumped out of the cupboard! Fuck, fuck…. Breathe, Legolas, just keep breathing, move over to the other edge of the roooom… Gah… Breathe. Wait. What the hell is that smell…?
It smells… girly. Oh no, Aragorn, please don't tell me you wear perfume.
"Nice room, this, isn't it?"
Errrr… NO. Not really. I'm going now, my good man. I will see you later once I've found meine kleidung. Now, be gone from this foul smelling, girly room, Legolas, you gorgeous elf you, you don't wanna catch anything…
"Legolasssssss….?"
…Grrr… WHAT?! JUST RUN, you goddamned elf! Just run! Mooove your legs! Noo, don't turn to look at him! Nooo… shit… THE TOWEL IS FALLING. Grab. Phew, safe… I think.. o_O
"Yesss…?"
"Looking… for these?"
WHAT?!?! The human has my clothes! Dangled out of the window! Oh, JOY! _ Can he even contemplate the importance of those garments? Made by the great Elven Designers of Valar! And they weren't even in the spring sale! Just because you get all your ranger wear from Rohan Outdoor shops doesn't mean you should take your bad taste out on my precious clothes. NOW GIVE THEM BACK!!
Okay…
Walk forwards, smile sweetly, that's it extend leg, connect with Gondor's crown jewels, grab clothes… RUN! MUHAA THEY'RE MINE! ^^! ALL MINE!
Ahhhh... yes, life is once again good now that I have my clothes back. Now, to find a safe place to hide….
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A/N:
Shoa: Well, that kept us entertained for a night. The conversation slowly digressed after we'd finished into Hobbit kidnap and other things of a darker nature…
Kat: I rape Hobbits ya see… XD
Shoa: Indeed. So, please leave us a review! Pretty please? Thank you! ^^