Author: queenstarry (Nikki)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Blangst. Pure Blangst. And spoilers, I guess?
Status: Complete (One-shot)
Summary: Song!fic. Blaine's reaction post-breakup. Song is "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.
A/N: It's been awhile since I've written anything; a year actually. Figures my first one is a Blangst fic. I'd appreciate some helpful feedback if y'all wouldn't mind.
Breathe
The storm is coming but I don't mind
Wind howled outside the house. Trees rattled and rain lashed. The world was tearing itself apart. At least… that's how it felt. Lightning flashed through the bedroom window - illuminating a seemingly empty room. But it wasn't. It hadn't been for several days now.
People are dying, I close my blinds
A figure cloaked in darkness stood from the ruffled bed and crossed the floor. His eyes looked through the window, not seeing anything but his own reflection. His own broken, red-rimmed windows. 'Did you know eyes are the windows to the soul, Blaine?' a soft voice resounded through his head. Images played like an old movie; pieces of the life he'd once known. A quick look of perfectly coifed chestnut hair; a chiming laugh; sparkling eyes - sometimes blue, sometimes green… sometimes grey.
They'd been grey that night.
Grey. Grey and broken.
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world, instead I sleep
Blaine shut his eyes from the window and stepped away, ignoring the rain outside. He couldn't do this. He didn't even understand his reasons for doing it in the first place… not anymore. He walked - no, staggered - back to his bed and curled back into his tiny little ball. Kurt… Kurt had always teased him about this little ball. Gently, of course. Kurt knew about the ball. It was his way of protecting his heart. He'd curled like this when those… those people had hurt him that night so many years ago. And then…
Then he'd met Kurt. He hadn't needed the little ball anymore. Kurt could protect his heart, if only Blaine could protect Kurt. He'd slipped up once, of course, when Sebastian had sent him to the hospital. Kurt had been gone - at Glee club - and Blaine had been home alone. He'd been so alone… so hurt. But then, Kurt had come. Kurt had pulled him out of his little ball and Blaine was protected again. His heart was okay.
I want to believe in more than you and me
This was wrong. He shouldn't be so broken like this. He'd done this for Kurt. To let Kurt go, like the beautiful free soul he was supposed to be. He couldn't be tied down by Blaine - by this… damaged boy. He was damaged and he couldn't let Kurt feel guilty anymore. So… now Kurt was gone. He was living his life at Vogue in New York and Blaine was here… alone.
Maybe, maybe this was good. It wasn't healthy to be so broken, he knew that. He was only eighteen - he was too young to be feeling these things. That's what they all said, anyway. None of them understood. Well, Brittany and Tina understood, but only to a point. Because they weren't broken like Blaine was.
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
He wondered if Kurt was… 'no, Blaine, you shouldn't hope for that,' he scolded himself as he hugged his pillow between his knees and his chin. It was wrong. It was horrible. But…. was he? Did Kurt miss him? He hadn't called since Blaine had left New York to go back to Ohio. Did Kurt… think Blaine was right? Did he want to be free? Blaine felt a sick churning in his stomach not for the first time since he'd left New York.
Would Kurt find someone else?
No.
He couldn't think about that. The churning in his stomach began to twist uncomfortable and he sat up, resting his forehead on his knees and gripping them in a vice grip. He'd already been sick twice in the last five days. His parents hadn't bothered to check up on him. They had better things to do than reassure their least-favorite son. The disappointing son. He was always a disappointment. To his parents; to the Glee club; to Kurt. Always…
Always.
Now, now, now
Blaine's knees hit the tiled floor of his bathroom hard. His retching could barely be heard over the crackling thunder, but that was good. If they could hear it, it wouldn't be so heartbreaking when they didn't come….
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
His forehead pressed against the cool tile and his breath came out in heated pants. He felt so empty. So cold…. He felt nothing. He desperately tried to remember the feeling of Kurt's arms around him; the feeling of Kurt's warm, soft lips pressed against his hairline. He tried to remember the look on Kurt's face that day at prom when he'd finally seen Blaine without all the hair gel. When he'd finally seen Blaine….
But he couldn't see it. He couldn't see any of it.
It was empty.
It was black.
All we can do is keep breathing
He needed to breathe now. He could see the blackness clouding his vision and his chest was beginning to physically hurt from his harsh breathing. He couldn't stop. He couldn't breathe. Not without Kurt. Not knowing that he had broken the one thing that had meant more to him than anything for two years. He had broken himself and he knew it.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
His mind was becoming fuzzy now. He could hear his struggling, but he couldn't stop. He didn't know how; he didn't even know if he wanted to. He just wanted the pain to end.
'Just, please, let the pain end,' He begged to the thundering skies.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
'Just for a little while,' He thought as his eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped, finally, to the floor. As he slumped into that pain-free darkness.
Now...
"Kurt…"