Disclaimer: I own nothing. All J.K. Rowling's characters. All lyrics originally belong to Team StarKid (edited bit is underlined), all jokes and characterizations belong to Team StarKid.
The separated Voldemort and Quirrel entered the room they had rented at the Leaky Cauldron. Thanks to the neat-freak Dark Lord, everything was in its place; even all the ties were folded.
The kooky couple had just come in from their rollerblading date after Quirrel's stint in Azkaban and Voldemort's stint with death. They were a little tired, but Voldemort had volunteered to cook for their first date in separate bodies. They were planning to watch She's All That together after their dinner.
"Ralph Fiennes was amazing in that movie," Quirrel was saying as he held up a DVD for Voldemort to see. On the cover was two boys, an old man, and a girl. The title was Half-Blood Prince. "Such a Dark King."
Voldemort scowled. "Don't... call anyone else Dark King, okay? I've watched you wipe your butt daily. It's me, Voldemort, we were there. We've reached that point."
Quirrel grinned a little at the little jealous fit his lover had thrown. "Yes, my Dark King."
Voldemort smiled back. "I haven't watched that movie yet, but I was on FlooTube yesterday, and watched a musical called 'Me and My Dick'."
"What did you think of it?" Quirrel asked, pulling out more DVDs in search for She's All That.
Voldemort shrugged. "It was a little slow at the beginning, but c'mon, Joe Walker!" he smirked. "Joe-ker, 'nuff said."
"We should watch that after," Quirrel said, finally locating the DVD. "Did you want to cook now?"
Voldemort nodded, and stood up. Quirrel followed him to the kitchen. The Dark King stopped so suddenly that Quirrel asked, "Are you still going to cook?"
The Dark Lord turned to Quirrel, his eyes wide. "I can't go cook knowing there are dirty plates in the sink! The sink's going to smell like dirty plates."
Quirrel eyed Voldemort cautiously. "I'll wash them after we're done eating, okay?"
"You wash them. Right. Now," Voldemort thundered. "I command you to go in there and... rinse them, at least! Make it into a neat pile."
"Look," Quirrel argued back. "If we're going to be together for a while, we're going to have to live with each other. Now, I've been single all of my life, and I have some habits, and sometimes, I just order some takeaway."
"Okay," Voldemort sighed. "I guess I can do this."
He led the way back to the lounge, Quirrel behind him with the cordless phone. He dialled the pizza takeaway.
"Hello, Death Eaters' Union?" he said. "Yes, I'd like to order the Ten-Minute Break special with mushrooms, artichoke hearts, and red peppers."
Voldemort grimaced. "And tell them to make sure the pizza doesn't fall through the hole!"
Quirrel rolled his eyes, but relayed the message.
"And tell them not to send new children!" Voldemort interjected again.
Quirrel ignored him. When he finally put down the phone, Voldemort pouted, and sighed again.
"I miss my Zefron poster," he said forlornly, staring at the blank walls of the room.
Quirrel set up the DVD as they waited for the pizza. "Why don't you get it from Hogwarts?"
Voldemort laughed. "Okay, okay. How do you propose to get my Death Eaters into your old day-care center?" he asked, mirth in his eyes. "And don't—and don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline, because we've already tried those."
The brown-haired ex-Professor doubled up with laughter. He was laughing so hard he made no sound. Gasping for breath, he finally wheezed, "Don't make me laugh, I'm pissing!"
His statement made the Dark King laugh again, and soon, both were rolling on the ground clutching their tummies. Five minutes later, after his laughter had ceased a little, Quirrel sang:
It's a comedy of sorts
When you're going out with Voldemort
Voldemort turned to his side to see Quirrel smiling at him. He smiled back.
And I'm happy as a squirrel
S'long as I'm with Mr Quirrel
They both stood up and faced each other. Quirrel took Voldemort's hands in his, and raised them shoulder-height, intertwining their fingers. Together, they looked into each others' eyes and danced a little jig while singing:
We'll lead them to the slaughter
And retrieve the Zefron poster
We're different
Different, different, as can be!
.
.
.
AN:
I'm proud my first slash is written with AVPM/AVPS references, because Team StarKid is super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot, and deserves all of my firsts! (First slash, first parody, first humor)
Written for the greatest reviewers I've ever had: those who read and reviewed Winning Her and Umbridge: After 'A Very Potter Sequel'!
HPJellicleCat
Evanne Taylor
Princess Ducky
YourtheTiggertomyWinnie
Draco,max,and,me (It won't let me print your name properly, sorry!)
Team StarKid all the way! Less Than Three =]
Review your thoughts and opinions.