What It Feels Like, a l word fanfic

Disclaimers: The L Word doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Showtime and Ilene Chaiken, if it belonged to me..well let's just say I wouldn't have time for fanfiction with all those lovely ladies around me ;) This song is What It Feels Like by Elliot Yamin, it's beautifully depressing haha, enjoy!

Everything's so right I know there's gotta be something wrong

We ain't never lasted without a fight for so long

Bette was feeling frustrated, worried and relieved. She was frustrated that there seemed to be this coldness between her and Tina, even after Tina had made the decision to move back. Yet relieved, for that meant that they were not quarrelling for that seemed to be all they did nowadays. Quarrelling about money, about Angelica's adoption, everything. But then again, why was Tina not quarrelling with her anymore?

Gone for days telling me you're on vacation

I remember using that same explanation

Tina had just gone on a trip last week, to a set in New York. After she came back, the coldness seemed to increase. They were going about their lives in this mind-numbing, almost catatonic manner. There was no warmth, no love, unless it was directed towards Angelica.

And it feels like I'm slowly losing control

It was driving Bette nuts.

Subtle little changes,

So subtle that I really can't name them

There was something different. Something that Bette could not put her finger on.

It's playing on my mind

I can't sleep at night, I can't sleep at night

Was it the way Tina no longer immediately snuggled into her when Bette tried to spoon her? Even though they both knew it was the only way both could get a good night's rest? Questions filled her mind and round and round they went, inevitably unanswered.

You're only doing what I did to you

And I guess I deserve it

This reminded Bette of the time they had just lost their son, both of them dancing around one another, not wanting to bring up the real issue at the heart of all the pain and loss. Tina was hurting Bette with her behavior, but why should Bette complain? Hadn't she been the first one to hurt Tina?

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, what it feels like

This is what it feels like

Her heart, crushed by Tina's own hands. Wringed by Tina's own actions. Then stomped on by Tina's own feet. There were no words to express the depths of the pain and hurt that she was feeling.

So there ain't no use running from the truth

I know that I hurt ya

Yes, Bette had hurt Tina first. With Candace, the biggest fucking mistake of her life.

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, I know what it feels like

This is what it feels like

Now she knew. She knew why Tina had looked at her that very day with plain pure unadulterated pain in her eyes.

I'm so willing to work it out

For whatever it's worth wish I could go back and change it now

Bette still loved Tina. She would give anything to be able to reverse time and remove Candace from her life, from their life. But, she could not do so.

Revenge is a long and winding road we can only end up alone

Tina didn't seem to have gotten over her anger at Bette's indiscretion. She didn't seem to know how to get over it. And she was taking out this anger on Bette. How much more could Bette take though?

Girl I know I did you wrong but tell me how long I have to pay for it

Situation's getting out of control maybe we should let it go

Yes it was her fault in the first place, she had set off this whole chain of events. But Tina invited herself back into her life, into her home and resettled in her heart. Yet Tina was the one growing distant, getting angry at every small thing while Bette tried desperately to comply with her demands. Was it worth walking around on eggshells?

Subtle little changes,

I did it just a little too dangerous

It's playing on my mind

I can't sleep at night, I can't sleep at night

Small things about Tina's behavior were jumping out at her; she had turned on the computer one day only to find the screen still on a site. A heterosexual dating website. It obviously was not her or Angelica who did that, so it had to be Tina. But what the heck did it mean? Was she reading too much into it?

You're only doing what I did to you

And I guess I deserve it

Well, Bette certainly had not expected Tina to even think of going back to men, just like Tina had not expected Bette to cheat.

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, what it feels like

This is what it feels like

Tina's joining of the site felt like a betrayal. Sure, Bette had not expected Tina to go back to men, that did not mean it was not a fear of hers. This, this was worse than a horror movie, this was her reality.

So there ain't no use running from the truth

I know that I hurt ya

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, I know what it feels like

This is what it feels like

If this deep soul-rending gut-wrenching pain that Bette felt was what she had inflicted on Tina back then, then Bette was entirely, utterly remorseful and ashamed. This pain was one that she would not have wished on anyone, dead or alive.

I hurt you, you hurt me

That hurts us, it's unhealthy

Their relationship was sinking faster than the Titanic and it seemed as if this time round, there was nothing that could save it.

You hurt me, I hurt you

That hurts us, we can only lose

We can only lose

No matter which way Bette looked at it, unless they jumped off the self-destructive path that they were on and fast, they were headed for a split. And this time, it would be final.

You're only doing what I did to you

And I guess I deserve it

Bette would suffer this for as long as she could, she owed it to Tina. For the pain that Tina felt at the point of her affair must have been many times worse; what with them having just lost their son and Tina being pregnant once again with Angelica.

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, what it feels like

This is what it feels like

Yes Bette now knew what it felt like to be distanced by your partner intentionally, to be left out in the cold. To be rejected intimately by your partner and to be unsure of how to cross the gaping gulf between.

So there ain't no use running from the truth

I know that I hurt ya

Now I know what it feels like

What it feels like, I know what it feels like

This is what it feels like

Oh it hurt.

I know what it feels like

It hurt.

I know what it feels like

Hurt.