TITLE: Voicemail tag

AUTHOR: TaleWeaver

FANDOM: Glee

SUMMARY: (futurefic, possible AU). After an argument between Finn and Rachel during Glee practise, some of the Glee club members weigh in on Rachel's voicemail. Takes place mid to late November, season 3.

RATING/PAIRING: M for sexual innuendo and language; about half of New Directions with an underlying thread of Finn/Rachel.

DISCLAIMER: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan, and FOX studio.

SPOILERS: Current eps (2x10). Presumes that Finn and Rachel reconcile by the end of S2 and become lovers, and that Kurt comes back to McKinley and New Directions for his senior year.

AUTHORS NOTES: scribbled this out in my lunch break, and ten minutes snatched between files at work. This is one of my very first pieces for Glee; any notes on characterisation or general critique is welcome.

The voice on the recording was cheerful, with a tuneful undertone that betrayed musical training.

"This is Rachel Berry's phone! Please leave the name, number, and a brief message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

[beep]

"Sweetie, it's Kurt. Finn's an idiot, and you should make him crawl. I can't believe he said that to you!"

The voice on the recording had changed; it was now low, smoky and fuck-me-now-sexy.

"Rachel's phone. I can't answer the phone right now, because I'm too busy practising moving like a slut in heat so I can bribe the sectionals judges with implied sexual favours. Leave your message at the orgasmic moan and I might get back to you."

[beep]

"Um, Rachel, it's Mr Schue. I was just calling to tell you that I've spoken to Finn about what he said to you in rehearsal today, because it was completely out of line. Just a thought, but have you ever thought about singing 'Love to love you baby' by Donna Summers? Wait, sorry, please forget I ever said that, it was totally inappropriate. Um, I'll see you tomorrow in class."

[beep]

"(cough) Rachel, it's Artie. I was just calling to see how you were. What's that? Um, Brittany says to tell you that she couldn't even get Santana to make noises like that, not even when she did the thing with her tongue and the pop rocks - um, Finn's a jerk and you should make him apologise a lot, but Britt and I really need to talk about something now…"

[beep]

"Damn, girl! If they ever do a musical of 'When Harry met Sally', just moan like that in the restaurant scene and you're a sure thing! Anyway, your boy totally owes you the new Barbra Streisand box set for this screw-up. Make him beg to be forgiven... but I gotta ask; if you can make that kind of noise on your own, what kind of noises can he get you to make? Okay, so it's none of my business, but I'm asking anyway. Mercedes signing out!"

[beep]

"I don't know what Brittany was talking about when she called me a minute ago, but look, Berry, we don't need to bribe judges to win anything. But if sexual favours are involved, I can do it way better than you. Really."

[beep]

"Dear Lord, my idiot brother has no idea how deep he's in it, does he? (laugh) Hold your ground, darling. Then tie him to the bed and torture him for awhile. Then let him make it up to you. I want all details with less than a NC-17 rating!"

[beep]

"Hey Rach, it's Sean. Finn's just confessed all, and if I could move I'd slap him in the back of the head for you. This is me rolling my eyes, by the way. He's begged me for advice on how to make it up to you - any requests? I'll suggest them to him without letting him know they're from you, if you like. I think he's willing to do just about anything, up and including jewellery with real stones. Just remember that if you bankrupt him now, he won't be able to sneak you away for that fabulously debauched weekend for your eighteenth birthday…"

The voice on the recording had changed again; now it was sleepy and content, with just a hint of arousal.

"Rachel's phone. Thank you to everyone who has called to offer their support. Finn now fully understands the depth of his grave error in judgment, and is busy making amends right n- oh! Oh, Finn."

[beep]

"(snicker) Damn, Hudson's a lucky bastard. Make him work for it, Berry. (mutter) Now, how do you work the record on this fucker...?"

Three days later

The blended Hudson-Hummel family was enjoying a roast Sunday lunch, when the comfortable chatter around the table was broken by a sensual moan.

"Oh! Oh, Finn."

Finn went bright red, then ghostly pale, and jumped to his feet, knocking his chair to the floor as he fumbled frantically through his pockets until he unearthed his phone.

"Um, Finn? Any particular reason why Rachel is moaning in your pants?" Burt asked. He had to ask, because his wife was utterly speechless, her face frozen in shock.

Finn refused to look at anyone, frantically pushing buttons, until Rachel's voice dropped away.

"Sorry, everyone. I have to go find Puck and rip off his head now."

And for the first time in – well, ever, Finn left his meal unfinished, bolting from the table and out the door.

As soon as the door slammed, Kurt put his head down on the table, just missing his plate, and started laughing hysterically.

Burt Hummel looked at his still-frozen wife, and for the life of him couldn't decide whether to comfort her or join his son, now rolling on floor regardless of his brand new Marc Jacobs jacket.

The young man's voice on the recording was drawling and assured, with a hint of masculine laughter beneath the don't-give-a-shit coolness.

"Yo, you've reached the Puck. If you're a dude, tell me how much beer you've got. If you're a chick, tell me your measurements, and I'll decide if you're worth a call back."

[beep]

"Noah Elijah Puckerman! I will never be able to look my future mother-in-law in the eyes again, thanks to you! (growl) Consider yourself a dead man walking, Noah. With a capital everything!"

FINI