Broken Heart
"My heart was once whole
Now it is in pieces"
Xander Harris walked away from Magic Box as a young man whose heart had been broken into a thousand pieces. He had just confronted his former bride to be, his former dream lover, and his former best friend outside the store, after seeing Anya and Spike doing things to each other in a home video and finding out that Spike had done Buffy as well. In that moment, the three of them just managed to take his heart out and stepped on it like a cigarette stub.
"My soul once cried for you
Now it is silent"
Xander walked the silent streets of Sunnydale aimlessly. Remembering how his soul has been crying for something or someone to fill the need. Over the years, he'd found three to fill the need in his soul.
Anya was the only one who ever really needed him in lot of things, especially in the physical sense of his world.
Spike was the one who filled his need in the dreamland. Spike was considered a taboo and he accepted that he could never have Spike as his mate or anything else.
Buffy was his best friend who happened to be his secret love and the girl whom Xander also could never have. In the emotional state of his crazy world, Buffy was the one who kept everything sane.
All of them had shattered Xander's soul and it was not crying out anymore. The pain had gone beyond everything now he was numb.
"My laughter was because of you
Now there is not sound"
Xander dreamed of silence. He just got into his truck and left the city without packing up his stuff. He got into a motel somewhere on the Highway 99 up north beyond the city of his birth. As he lay on the bed, he started to remember.
Remembered the laughter that he and Anya shared in finding an apartment, rooming together, learning each other, loving each other.
Remembering the laughter that he and Spike shared in the dreamscape, making love in all kinds of places, watching movies, reading awful poems, and playing games.
Remembering the laughter that he and Buffy shared in triumphing over the evil, raising Dawn, and good friendship.
And woke screaming.
No more laughter in his dream.
"My tears were for wanting you
Now I cannot cry"
Xander covered his face with his hands, one covering his mouth to keep from screaming out too loud. Xander looked around the room and realized that he was not in his bed in his apartment. He was lying in a strange bed in a little horrible hotel room somewhere along the highway. He comforted himself by gathering up the blanket around him. He rubbed his face against his blanket. He sighed and stared into the dark.
Remembering again the tears of wanting to fill the need that his soul had been screaming out for such a long time. He usually cried himself to sleep while he was lonely. He cried for joy when he found Anya, Spike and Buffy and they had been brought together to make his soul complete.
Xander could not cry when they broke his heart. His soul was lost again and no longer had the desire someone to be part of his life.
"Pain in my heart
And drop dead Silence
is all I have
In this broken heart"
The morning dawn broke out to shine through the curtain of his hotel room. Xander got up. He felt the pain and the silence in his heart. He decided not to return home. There was nothing to go back for. He jumped into his truck and drove out into the sun.
~Fins~