My body was tense. I was ready to leave- waiting for the signal. I didn't know when the signal would come, but it had to come soon.
There were no windows in the ship- except for those in front of the pilot. And those windows were too far away- the only thing I could see out of them was darkness.
The ones around me had been talking ever since we had left the base- their voices echoed off the walls of the ship- sometimes they talked about how they thought this mission was strange, and then I would focus on their words, but then they would start talking about something else.
This was not a normal mission. I couldn't wear the normal uniform- the boots and the white shirt were the same as always, but I also had to wear a different coat and pants- both red with white trim. There was also a hat that was the same way, and a fake beard.
Master porky wanted to take advantage of the holiday known as Christmas- he referred to it as "an excellent PR opportunity"- I didn't understand that- I didn't understand the reason behind the mission, but this wasn't the first time I didn't understand the reason behind a mission- all that was important was that I understood what I was to do.
"Ready, Commander?"
I nodded and jumped to my feet- didn't say anything.
What else was I going to be but ready? I shouldered the sack. Complete the mission- get it over. Get it done. Go to the next one. That was how things were.
"Approaching Tazmily training facility." announced the pilot. "Your first target is right in front of us, sir."
I almost stumbled in approaching the door.
It must be the dark. But my foot hadn't connected with anything- and why was that name ringing like a bell in my head?
Nothing. It must be nothing.
But the mission orders hadn't mentioned the name of the place. So it was called Tazmily…
"Commander?"
I turned to face the two soldiers behind me. They were alternating between looking at me and- glaring at each other?
"Here Commander!" one said quickly, holding out a blanket. "For warmth! It's cold out there you know!"
"No Commander, here! Take mine! Doesn't it look a lot warmer?" demanded the other one, thrusting it at me.
They were glaring at each other again, but I distracted them by taking first one and then the other and adding both blankets to the sack.
"Thank you Commander!" they chorused, focusing on me again, and I nodded to them both.
It was silly of them to worry about me, of course. I was the Commander- things like the cold wouldn't bother me.
But it showed that they were thinking and trying to be helpful, and that was to be encouraged.
"Over the first target now, sir!" the pilot announced.
The doors to the airship opened, revealing the night sky.
The soldiers saluted- "Good luck sir!"- and I dived out, activating the wings- slowing my fall and descending on the house. The bitter wind almost tore the hat from my head, but I held onto both the hat and the sack firmly.
The night was dark- my eyes fought to adjust for a moment- the only reason I found the house at all was because I knew it was there. When I finally saw it, I began to glide carefully down- landed in front of the house, the orders replaying in my head as I did so.
First target was a group of four. They were good citizens and helpful to Master Porky's forces. I was to leave a gift for them.
I reached inside the sack and withdrew a Happy Box- placed it in front of the house, before knocking on the door and then moving to the roof.
The group of four came to the door, one by one.
They didn't seem to be happy to be woken up, but they did seem happy to find the Happy Box. But then they started fighting over it, and then they were unhappy again.
I stayed hidden on the roof until they went back inside the house.
I didn't understand happiness. But then, they had told me I wouldn't understand it, that they hadn't built me to understand happiness? They had a whole list of things I hadn't been built for and couldn't understand- but sometimes the things they told me conflicted with other things they'd said, or even with my job.
I shook my head as I used the wings to fly away.
My job was to accomplish the missions and take care of the army and the men in it. It wasn't to question or pry. But… but- but if I understood, I would do a better job, right? The thought prodded and tugged at my insides, but I was at the next target now. I let go of the thoughts that had been clinging to me and started to land.
The next target was a group of three. They had no Happy Box and refused to get one, and were unfriendly to the Master Porky's forces. I was to punish them by stealing their tree.
I landed quietly, and then carefully snuck down the chimney. As expected, it was right next to the window.
I studied it carefully, trying to figure out the best way to remove it- it was dark in the house, the only light coming in through the window, but I could see the tree was too big and would not fit up the chimney- when suddenly pain exploded across the back of my head.
"Get out of my house burglar!"
I stumbled forward, nearly crashing into the tree.
I'd been attacked- they'd hit me- even as I stumbled, I was reaching for the blade- before remembering that I didn't have it for this mission.
I recovered and moved to the side, avoiding the man's next blow- it was so dark I couldn't see his face- but I could tell by his voice that he was a man, and I could see well enough to dodge- but what now? My orders didn't cover what to do if I was discovered-
The man was about to attack again-
"Daddy, don't hurt Santa Claus!"
The man froze- so did I.
There was a little girl coming into the room, dressed in white nightclothes, blond hair rumpled, quickly followed by a woman dressed the same way. The woman was holding something in her hands. While the man was standing close to me already and the child was coming closer, the woman was heading to the other side of the room-
"Alle, go back to bed!" the man called, moving closer to her.
"Daddy, he's Santa Claus!" the child insisted, pointing at me.
…Santa Claus. Right. They had told me my mission was deliver Happy Boxes and punishments and to pretend to be Santa Claus.
Because I was pretending to be Santa Claus, I was wearing a different uniform. That was why the sword had to be left behind.
Both adults studied the uniform, the woman pausing in whatever she had been doing to look at me- and then the girl skipped closer, came right up to me and threw her arms around me.
I froze. Was this some sort of attack?
"Thank you for coming Santa Claus!"
Not an attack then. Still- it felt like something was inside of me-
I reached for her and pried her off. She let herself be loosened, but kept beaming up at me.
"What did you bring me, Santa Claus?" she asked, tone cheerful.
…The orders were that this group was to be punished. But she had been good- stopped the man from attacking me.
I offered her a Happy Box.
She made a face like the men in the mess hall when they tasted something they didn't want to eat. "Ew, I don't want one of those. They're boring and people start acting all weird when they get them. Don't you have anything cooler, Santa?"
I didn't. Only the Happy Boxes and the blankets- and in the room behind her, I could see many blankets, piled on the beds.
Inside this house, built with strong walls and with all those blankets, this child would be protected from the cold.
"Don't you?" she asked plaintively.
She was a good child- and I was being Santa Claus, so I had to give her something-
The man was coming forward now, studying me suspiciously- his hands on her shoulders, her eyes staring up at him trustingly-
As if from some place far away, a picture passed in front of my eyes- two adults, two children- the red haired boy in the woman's arms reaching for the hat the man was wearing-
A child wanting a grownup's hat.
I pulled off the uniform hat, knocking off the beard as I did so, and offered it to her, and she burst out in a smile as she accepted it and put it on her own head.
"Look Mom! Look Dad! Santa gave me his hat!" she spun around, beaming at them and showing it off.
I stood up and took a step back just as light suddenly flooded out from the corner where the woman was. She stepped closer to where we were- she held a candle in her hands, and she was smiling.
The girl liked her present. Her mother was smiling, so she must be happy with it too, so this phase of the mission was a success, right?
Oh- but they still didn't have a Happy Box, and everyone was supposed to have a Happy Box. She didn't want one- would her parents want it?
I moved to pick up the sack again, but the little girl was back again, throwing her arms around my legs as the too big hat slipped down and covered her eyes.
"Thank you Santa Claus!" then she let go and stepped back and tugged at the pant leg of the red uniform until I lowered myself down on one knee and then she flung her arms around my shoulders. "Hug!"
I looked up. Her parents were staring at me, eyes so wide open- why?
And then the woman- a determined expression snapped on her face and she marched forward and carefully put the candle on the table and then gently, gently moved my arms around the girl child.
Hug? The little girl wanted a hug from me- and her mother wanted me to hug her too?
I don't know what happened then- whether I trembled, or whether I meant to do it- my arms briefly tightened around the girl, and she made a happy sound- a little laugh- and her mother smiled.
"Alle-" her father said, his voice sounding odd and tight, "you should go back to bed now."
She turned and looked at her father.
"Santa Claus has given you your present and you've thanked him. So now it's time to go back to bed."
"Okay," her tone was disappointed, but there was no whine there. She stepped back, releasing me from the hug, the hat falling into her eyes again. "Oh Santa Claus, is it going to snow tonight?"
Even though she was reaching for the hat and moving it, trying to get it out of her eyes, I could still see enough of her face to understand her expression. She looked so hopeful that I nodded before I knew what I was doing.
She gave a little excited jump, knocking the hat loose again. "Yay! Oh, Santa Claus- you're not going to try and give Lucas a Happy Box, are you? Because what Lucas wants is-" she had been adjusting the hat as she talked- at the last word she pulled it back, so that I could see her and she could see me. Startlingly blue eyes met mine- she looked surprised, and then she smiled- smiled hugely, bigger than ever before. "Claus!" she said again, and hugged me even tighter than before.
Her mother was smiling still, but coming to pry her away- once the child's arms left me I was gone, the sound of the door banging shut behind me echoing in the night, the Happy Box sack heavy on my shoulder as I took off into the night sky.
The sound of the door banging didn't echo half as loud as their voices did, calling after me like the girl had, leaving the 'Santa' out.
I pushed the wings faster.
Without the helmet and without the hat, the wind whistled and bit at my ears.
There was a building straight ahead of me and a bridge to the side.
I knew where the bridge led, but what was that building? It wasn't covered in my orders. It looked like it might be a house- like the ones I had already visited- had the man who delivered my orders forgotten a house? Things like that had happened sometimes…I'd been sent to a base with some supplies, only to arrive and find out that there were other supplies they need more. Sometimes things like that happened.
Maybe this place was just a working building, but just in case this was one of the cases where someone had forgotten to include something in the orders, I would have to check it out.
The door refused to open, but there was a window open on the second floor.
The room inside was small- dark, lit only by the moonlight.
Before I had much of a chance to survey the room though, my attention was yanked to the bed.
Had he seen me? I thought he'd said "Claus"…
I crept closer and listened.
The older man was definitely sleeping- his eyes were shut- but he was sleeping restlessly- tossing and turning. And talking.
"Claus, where are you? We're here to rescue you!" he shuddered- I reached out and touched his shoulder. He must because the room was cold- the window was open and the blanket barely covering him was thin and scratchy.
I went to the window- I could always close it again when it was time to leave- but when I looked at it, I realized that the window wasn't open, it was broken. The part that was supposed to pull down was missing.
That would be a good present to give to the man -fixing the window. But I didn't know how- as the Commander, I knew about battle, not about how to fix things. Besides, I didn't have any tools- only Happy Boxes and blankets. And even if this window hadn't been broken, he already had a Happy Box- I could see it flickering in in the corner, although he had covered it with a towel before he had gone to sleep- I could only see the flickering through a hole in the cloth.
Couldn't fix the window for him- couldn't give him a Happy Box- I guess I'd be using the blankets the soldiers gave me after all.
I pulled them out of the sack, this time paying more attention to them and noticing how thick and warm they were. I spread them out on top of the sleeping man, one after the other.
He did seem warmer- stopped shivering in his sleep- but there was still distress on his face and in his voice. "Claus-"
Everyone… they kept leaving off the "Santa".
I tucked the blankets around him tighter and then left to investigate the rest of the building.
There was a hallway and two more rooms on this floor- and each room held an old man who was shivering in his bed. Their rooms weren't as cold as the first man's was, but they were still too cold. The pipes dripped too- one droplet landed right on the skin covering my spine, causing me to shiver.
All these people were cold, but I only had those two blankets.
Frowning, I walked downstairs.
There was a meeting room- not large, but larger than the rooms upstairs. There were two more bedrooms down here too- both had old women in them, and they were both cold and shivering too.
Two blankets and five cold people.
There was one last room to check. I opened the door, and the first thing I saw were the folded up blankets on the shelf across from me. Not as nice as the blankets I had been given, but decent and much nicer than the ones they already had.
I stepped into the storage room and reached for them- found a note on top of them.
"Notice to all volunteers: leave these blankets here until there's nothing left of the old ones! We need to make these ones last as long as possible!
Mayor Pusher
PS: the rumors that I used the money meant to buy supplies for this place and instead brought my nice new shiny car are completely unfounded. I used my own money to buy that car. Really!"
I was not a volunteer. I was the Commander.
I crumpled the note up and dropped it on the floor- carried the blankets to the downstairs bedrooms and put one on each of the old women's beds. Then I went upstairs and put the last one over the old man in the room at the top of the stairs. Then returned to the first man's room and- somewhat reluctantly- took one of the blankets off his bed and took it to the middle bedroom and put it on top of that man's bed, then returned to the first man's room.
He seemed cold again. Not as cold as he had been the first time I had been in the room, but still cold. But I was all out of blankets… trying to think, I started to put my hands in my pockets- then stopped.
As the Commander, I was stronger than anyone- I could go out into the night without a coat even. I took the coat off and spread it over him- tucked it around him.
He seemed to relax slightly. "Claus."
My hand froze in the air above him.
Every time someone said that- there was this sound, almost a ringing in my ears- it made my head hum painfully.
I moved to the window- but speed and accuracy don't always work well together, and the sack banged against the wall as I climbed into the window.
"Claus?"
I could hear the springs in the bed move underneath him as he sat up quickly.
I flung myself out of the window and activated the wings- they carried me out of the range of the man's voice, still calling after me.
The wind and night air- they were cold, colder than they were before, cold enough that they must be what was making my eyes water- but even though it was colder, it was brighter too- my eyes had started adjusting to the darkness. I could make out lights in the sky that were the stars- and now I could see lights in the village, some turning on even as I looked at them-
The house in the graveyard- the house in the graveyard, that was the next target, wasn't it?
I flew over the river and cut over the land, leaving the town for later, and landed in the graveyard.
It was a dark place- it didn't have lights like the village did. The graves pressed close together, and in the darkness, the light from the moon and the stars made the gravestones shine an eerie pale color. Like ghosts. I shook my head and started to move forward.
I only managed one step before the ground was broken- broken on either side of me. Hands reached out- dead hands- and began pulling themselves up out of the ground.
I backed up a step, wanting to put space between the enemies and me- but when I stepped back, I hit something- dead arms almost encircled me but I flung myself forward, activating the jets on the wings and setting the zombie on fire.
It howled and began beating at itself, trying to put the fire out. "It hurts." it said, its voice distorted and strange out but still understandable. "It hurt it hurts-"
Another one tried to grab me from the side- I transformed the mechanical arm into the cannon mode and took off its head with one blast, then spun and did the same to the one on the other side.
A thud from behind me made me spin, preparing the cannon to finish off the last one- only to find it slumped on the ground, unmoving, and a man standing over it. The man who lived in the graveyard house- he was standing over it, hefting his shovel before bringing it down on the zombie again.
"Dang zombies, disturbing my graveyard. Even on Christmas Eve." He muttered, looking around again. "Is that all of them for now?"
After carefully scanning the area, I nodded to him.
He sighed. "Well, time to bury these poor idiots again." he moved to where the nearest zombie had come out from and began shifting the earth aside. The zombies had done most of the work already and he soon finished digging, and then used the shovel to move the motionless zombie into it before burying it again.
I watched him silently. As the Commander, it was my duty to lean about all the enemies and how best to defeat them.
"These poor dumb idiots are the Pigmasks' fault you know." the man said suddenly as he began digging the last grave. "Sure, we knew what a zombie was- the old mining tunnel used to have some in it, which is why we sealed it off. But we never had any problems with our dead, with this graveyard, until those Pigmasks came." he nudged the zombie body in and began covering it up. "Just another addition to the long list of things they've screwed up. Like those stupid Happy Boxes. Hah, what a name! Have you ever known one of those things to actually make anyone happy?"
I had been opening my mouth to respond- to protest- but after the last sentence, I shut it. I hadn't- I had seen the first family fighting over it, and the second family rejected it, and seemed to be happy without it-
"Bunch of morons." the old man grumbled as he filled in the last grave. "This place used to be just full of happiness- but then the fire came… I've heard it said that the Pigmasks caused that fire too. Now, there's no proof of that except that guy's word, and he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's never deliberately lied to me or anyone else, except for that one lie he tells himself- and in that case, who could blame him? He's still more trustworthy than most of the people in Tazmily. I have to admit though, I didn't do all of this by myself."
Maybe something in the way I moved spoke of confusion- he gestured at the graveyard surrounding us. On my first scan, I looked right past them- on the second try, I abruptly realized what he was talking about.
Flowers. There were flowers resting against every headstone, even the broken ones.
"Flint always brings flowers to his wife's grave, of course- but then I got out here this afternoon and find that not only had Flint come and gone and left new flowers, but someone else had left another bunch of flowers next to his. And on all the other graves as well. Then I found Lucas and Fuel in the back, putting the flowers on the last of the graves." the man chuckled as he finished patting the earth down on the grave. "They went through the whole graveyard, putting flowers on every single grave, even the people they'd never known." he stepped back from the grave, shaking his head and smiling. "Despite everything, that kid's growing up strong. They both are."
He turned then- really looked at me for the first time- and then frowned. "I didn't recognize you in the dark- why didn't you tell me it was you?"
The graveyard keeper had no affiliation with the Army- how did he recognize me as the Commander? Wait- even though the hat and coat were both gone, I still had the sack and the pants- he must also be accepting me as Santa Claus.
The man was stepping closer now, still focusing on me. "Well, as long as you're here, I need you to tell your dad something-"
Dad?
Santa Claus doesn't have a dad- they keep telling me I don't have a dad-
But the gravedigger was almost right in front of me now- no one ever got this close to me. Now he'd stopped and was staring at me- his eyes wide and mouth open- he looked at my hair, then stepping closer, at my eyes- and then he looked down at the arm.
It was a machine, of course. It was somewhat surprising he hadn't noticed it before- the metal glinted in the moonlight.
But Santa Claus didn't have a mechanical arm- so if he thought I was him before, he would know I wasn't now.
He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, and then shut it again- shook his head and then tried again. "You're not Lucas. You- where have you been? Where have you been? Do you have any idea how long everyone searched for you? Flint still searches for you every day!"
Searches? For me? No…there must be some mistake-
Maybe there's a special gift that he really really wants and so he searches for Santa Claus to ask him for that gift. But the gravedigger had seen my mechanical arm- he should know I wasn't Santa Claus.
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
Because you're confusing me and I don't know what to say.
I thought about saying that out loud, but it didn't sound very impressive and as the Commander, I was supposed to be impressive-
The gravedigger groaned- frustrated- and grabbed my wrist. I was about to pull away and break his grip, but then he shook me. "Come on, it's your duty!"
My duty? I went with him.
He led me up further into the graveyard, up a hill.
At the top of the hill was a single gravestone.
"Normally-" the old man said in a gruff tone, "there are sunflowers growing here. But since it's winter… well, you know better than anyone, right? Sunflowers don't grow in the winter, no matter how warm it is."
I wasn't looking at him.
It was just a tombstone, just a tombstone like the others- why couldn't I look away from it?
The gravedigger stepped closer to the gravestone, his hand leaving my wrist- I stepped closer too, stopping even closer to the tombstone than he had, not even realizing at first that he'd stopped.
"I said it before, right?" the gravedigger said, gesturing to the two groups of flowers lying against the stone. "Flint is always leaving flowers here. And Lucas- he's here a lot too. Less than he used to, but he comes enough that it's obvious that he hasn't forgotten his mother." behind me, I could hear him shift around. "Do you know what is says on her tombstone?"
I almost turned and gave him a look- but that would have meant taking my eyes off the tombstone. Of course I didn't know what it said.
"Why don't you go read it then?"
For a moment, I stood where I was.
It was just a tombstone- just a tombstone like all the others-
- Tazmily-
-Flint-
-Lucas-
"Come on, come on- you don't have any flowers to give her, the least you can do is read the inscription."
I could do that. Just read? I could do that. He'd been good, he'd helped me with the zombies- so since this meant something to him, I could do it for him- as Santa Claus, giving him a Christmas present.
The hum that always accompanied the last part of the name almost had a pleasant sound to it now. Almost like a song.
I was standing in front of the grave now- when had that happened? - I traced the letters on the tombstone- first with the machine arm, then with my human one-
"HINAWA" it said in big letters. Underneath, in slightly smaller letters, it read
"Wife of Flint
Mother of the twins Claus and Lucas
Daughter of Alec
May the beautiful Hinawa rest in peace here for all time"
"Can you hear me?"
I turned to look at the gravedigger. He was looking at both the stone and me, but he more seemed to be watching- not waiting for a response.
I turned to look back at the tombstone- realized my hands hadn't left it.
I'd read it- I could leave now, right? Could leave now and get back to the mission now, right? …so why wasn't I?
"Can you hear me?"
I looked around again.
There was only the gravedigger and me here- no one else.
I looked at the gravedigger, but he only looked back and said, "What is it?"
He wasn't the one talking to me.
Frowning, I turned back to the tombstone.
"Claus…"
That was one of the names on the tombstones, wasn't it? And that was also- also-
The tombstone- tombstones were for people who died. This person… the one who was buried here- their name was Hinawa- a woman- a daughter and a wife and a mother-
Claus- she was a mother to Claus-
"You're Claus!"
I looked around. People shouldn't be mistaking me for Santa Claus anymore- but the gravedigger and I were still the only ones here- and he couldn't be mistaking me for Santa Claus either.
Wait- if we was the only here, who was talking to me? It couldn't be the gravedigger- it was a woman's voice… and the gravedigger- he wasn't responding to the woman's voice at all- as if he couldn't hear her at all-
"Your name is Claus!" the voice said insistently, "you're my son!"
…son? Mothers had sons. Sons had mothers.
Santa Claus didn't have such a person in his life… so the Claus she was talking to must be a different Claus. But who was she talking to?
I almost looked around again- I tried to, but I couldn't move- as if soft gentle hands were on my cheeks, keeping me from pulling away- keeping me there.
"Can you hear me? Your name is Claus! Please remember- I'm your mother, Flint is your father, and you and Lucas are brothers!"
A family … for me?
I tried to shake my head, but the invisible hands held me into place.
The gravedigger didn't seem to hear the voice at all still- she couldn't be talking to him. But she couldn't- she couldn't be talking to me-
But her voice was closer now, so close I could feel her breath on my face, and even when she stopped talking, the words she'd said before kept humming and thrumming throughout my head.
She was talking to me. She had to be. But at the same time- she couldn't- not really- she had to be mistaken.
I- they always told me I had no family- told me over and over again-
"Claus, they lied to you. You belong with us, not with them. You're needed here- you're a dearly beloved grandson, son, and brother."
I was on my knees-when had that happened?- my legs against the cold hard ground, both my hands pressed into the cold smooth tombstone as if I could grab a hold of understanding if I pressed hard enough, or if I could grab a hold of something else instead-
"All we want is you back, Claus."
Me? I tried to shake my head- I didn't get any further than I had last time. She couldn't be talking to me- I- I-
I shut my eyes. I didn't understand- I didn't understand. And when I shut my eyes, instead of seeing nothing like I should be seeing, I saw her- a woman in red, so sad but still smiling at me- I watched her, unable to take my eyes off her.
I was the Commander- I lived at the base and I looked after the soldiers and I followed Master Porky's orders and- and that was it, really.
"You're not Porky's robot, you're our son! Listen Claus- I've been watching you- I've always been with you. Earlier, when you left that Happy Box for Matt and his family, it didn't make them happy, did it?"
There was nothing I could say to that, even if I wanted to.
"But giving Alle your Santa hat- that made her smile, didn't it? A gift that wasn't a Happy Box delivered the happiness that the Happy Box couldn't."
That was true- that was true, but-
"Aren't all of his orders like that in the end? Utterly pointless."
No- not utterly pointless- they weren't- couldn't be. Because I was supposed to follow orders- and I did follow orders- but the orders Master Porky liked to give… it was true that they didn't focus on the things that needed to be taken care of.
"You don't belong with him, you belong with us." there was no doubt in her voice, none at all. "You belong with your family Claus."
Right as she finished the last word- there was a gentle touch- a hand that landed on my shoulder, light as a butterfly.
Who was behind me? The gravedigger? No- that couldn't be his hand.
I stayed still, not opening my eyes, not turning around.
The owner of the hand waited a moment, and then a few moments more before sighing softly- and then, using their other hand too, gently but firmly turned me around- if I opened my eyes, we would be face to face, staring into each other's eyes- but I kept them closed.
When I was fully turned around, fully facing him, he put his arms around me- gentle, warm arms- but at the same time, he was holding me so tight, I couldn't possibly get away.
I didn't try.
His arms were warm, and the night was cold anyway.
Then a blanket was dropped over me, and I blinked and looked up, opening my eyes in surprise.
There was a large amount of people around us.
The man from the house where I'd given the girl the Santa hat- the men from the building that I hadn't been told about- a brown dog that constantly went from circled us and barking happily, to nosing at our hands and whining- a man, older than me and the other holding me, but younger than the others, he smiled and moved towards us, his leg moving oddly- a pink haired girl dressed in blue- there were more, but I couldn't see them all-
The man from the first room in the building that I hadn't been told about- he was stepping forward, hugging both me and the other, constantly mumbling things I couldn't understand- but it didn't hurt when he touched me- and he was wearing the Santa coat I'd left for him. But then he let go and the other let go too.
For a moment my arms remained where they were, but then the other started coaxing my arms though the sleeves of a jacket- it was slightly too big for me- it smelled familiar and nice and stinky at the same time- briefly an image took over my brain-
A man, towering over me and the blonde other still beside me- but his hands were gentle as he reached for us- behind him, three fluffy white creatures ambled lazily through a field-
But then they were leading me away, the other's grip around my hand tight enough that he couldn't be pulled off me with a crowbar, so tight that was impossible for me to get away, so I didn't even try- didn't resist. I was pulled away, out of the graveyard and into the village, then through the village, out into trees and grass, and then there was a little house- the three creatures I'd just seen in my head in a pen, sleeping-
They stopped there, and I stopped too.
The voices had been blending together for a while now- impossible to tell apart ever since we'd left the cemetery- sometimes people seemed to be talking to me, but I couldn't understand- couldn't focus on their words.
The woman's voice from before kept echoing in my head.
"Flint is your father
I'm your mother
You're our son
Lucas is your brother-"
It was on loop in my head, repeating and repeating and never ending-
At some points, I thought people touched me- the pink haired girl, the sandy haired man, some of the others- I'd look at them then, but I couldn't focus- even when I saw their lips moving, I couldn't focus on what they were saying- my eyes always darted back to the other leading me- he never seemed to take his eyes off me- not even to look around- as if he'd memorized the area.
In some ways- with the voice echoing through my head and visions that were beginning to poke at my eyes and my mind that I couldn't quite focus on- I was so far away. But the other's grip on my hand centered me- he was the line connecting me to the world outside my head.
Suddenly he blinked, looking surprised- and then he did look away from me, turning his head slightly- but even as he did, his grip on me tightened- and he put his other hand up in the air, smiling- a soft small thing, that was what his smile was- and he waved.
It was only then that I noticed that people were leaving. The sandy haired man with the funny walk and the pink haired girl were the last two to leave, with the other white haired man from the unknown building waiting further along the path to the village- waiting for them? He was looking at them-
My hearing was starting to come back- the voice wasn't going away, but I could hear other things now-
"See you tomorrow Lucas- you too Claus." the girl said, and the man touched both our shoulders-it was a gentle squeeze, hard enough that we felt it, but just barely- almost like he thought we were breakable or something-
And then everyone but the other and the first old man were gone, and the dog had licked us good night- both the other and me- and then he was in the dog house and they were taking me inside.
"Are you hungry, Claus?" the man asked, heading towards the fireplace.
I looked around- the other drew me closer to the table and had me sit- pushed gently on my shoulders until I sat down.
He held one of my hands- the grip the same as before- tight, but not painful. Gentle, but firm. And he kept looking at me. Eyes so huge and blue- like being swallowed by the sky or the ocean.
I looked away and found the man looking at me too- the sleeves pushed up over his elbows. He was staring at me-
I looked from one to the other, then back again- then around the room-
A soft, sad sounding sigh- and the man was back in front of me. "Claus, do you know who I am?"
There were three people in the room- him, the other, and me. And he was looking straight at me- straight into my eyes.
He had to be talking to me. But- but-
The other's grip tightened around me, and I turned to look at him- he was staring at me still with those big eyes- but now he looked in pain- so much so that I started looking around, trying to find who or what was causing him that much pain. Something made me want to make it stop- make whatever was hurting him stop.
But we were still the only ones there- and when I looked back at the man, wondering if he knew what was making the other hurt so much, but when I looked at him, I saw the same look on his face.
I looked back from one to the other- hoping to understand, to-
"Do you know who you are?" the man asked, putting one of his hands on each of my shoulders.
I thought I did. But then I looked at the man and looked at the other sitting next to me- and when I didn't respond the other flung his arms around me. I braced myself and wrapped my arms around him too- just to keep us from falling.
The man came closer, hugging us both. "What did they do to you?" He asked, but I didn't think he expected an answer.
They told me you didn't exist. The thought bubbled up from somewhere inside me. They'd found a way to work it into every order and report for a while, and they still said it and had me repeat it a lot, in situations where it wouldn't make sense even if it was true.
…did I just use the word "even"?
"your name is Claus." the man said, sounding almost choked as he hugged both me and the other, and I let them hug me, just sitting there and not trying to escape at all. "We're your family- I'm your grandfather and this is your brother Lucas."
I wanted to shift and look at him, but I couldn't- they were holding me too tight.
"You and Lucas are brothers!" that had been one of the things she had said before. These people…what they said agreed with each other.
Liars had the tendency to trip over their own lies, let alone other people's. Like the soldier who told me that he was keeping careful watch when I had walked past his post multiple times and not seen him once, or-
"We made you at the chimera lab- or did he tell you it was the New Pork City lab? What did we tell you before? Refresh my memory."
"Claus, are you okay? You're shuddering."
I blinked up at the man, surprised. I wasn't shuddering- I wasn't- but had I been shuddering before?
Then my stomach growled. With no sounds of machinery and no raised voices talking, it sounded louder than usual.
The man who said he was our grandfather chuckled- his expression still looked like something was hurting him, but he was smiling too, as he stepped back. "I guess you are hungry after all, Claus. Well, your mother didn't inherit her cooking skills from me, but I can promise you it's edible."
He returned to the fireplace and began moving about, gathering things together and getting the fire started.
He was going to cook just because I was hungry? Well, he had asked before if I was hungry- he was probably hungry himself. But he had asked my opinion- and then what started him cooking was my stomach complaining.
The other was still holding me- I could see him again now, without the man's arms holding me in place. He was resting his head against my shoulder- he was watching the man cook, a small smile on his face, before he turned back to me again. The smile shifted- not going away, but changing as he studied me. He brushed my bangs out of my face, and I blinked.
Then his hand moved, tracing around the mechanical eye, then the mechanical arm. Then he gently pulled up the short sleeve so that he could see where the mechanical arm was fused with my shoulder. He touched every single scar gently…as if they were something precious. Like I was something precious.
The soldiers respected me, because I was the strong one- the Commander. But the scientists didn't listen to me when I told them their projects were dangerous, both to themselves and to the soldiers. And Master Porky-
"Hello new toy."
A shudder burst out of me- he stopped memorizing my scars and hugged me again- and then he stroked my back too, just like- like-
"Shh, it's okay. It was just a bad dream."
Everyone called me Commander- the soldiers respectfully, the scientists not respectfully, as if it was a joke.
Master Porky called me lots of things but Commander usually wasn't one of them. Toy, robot, monster, slave- those were the things he called me.
But these people here… they called me-
"It's done boys." the man who claimed he was our grandfather was back again, holding a frying pan with something- some type of food in it. It looked yellow.
The world in front of me blurred temporally before returning.
I ate the food silently, quickly.
For a while, the others were silent too- but then the man started telling a story about the guys he lived with, and how they argued, and the boy listened attentively, even as he kept holding onto my hand with one of his and kept eating with the other. He laughed once or twice.
The room blurred and then returned a couple more times.
When we finished, the man took our empty plates and took them to the sink. "It's pretty late, you boys better get ready for bed."
Before I could respond to that, the other was pulling me away from the table, towards the dresser- the man started on the dishes and the other opened the top drawer, and then moved to the bottom drawer. The bottom drawer was the one he bent over, the one he began to go through- but the top drawer was the one I couldn't stop staring at. I wasn't as close as the other was, and I wasn't getting any closer, but I could see the top of one blue shoe.
Why couldn't I look away from it? It was just a shoe, just-
The slope was full of pebbles and rocks and the baby Drago was so much quicker than I was- I reached the top and realized that the rocks were cutting into one of my feet- one of my shoes had fallen off, that it was at the bottom of the slope- but there was no time to go get it, I would lose the trail if I did-
The other was back, had one arm full of pajamas- and then he placed them on the bed, before reaching into the top drawer and pulled out a piece of red cloth, and then wrapped it around my wrist- I stared at it as he picked up the clothes again and led me away, into a corner where we couldn't see the man anymore, although we could hear the clinking of the dishes and sound of his voice singing to himself softly.
The blond other put what he was holding on the bed and then gestured for me to take off my clothes before he began undressing himself.
There were scars on his body too- not as many as mine, and most of them weren't as deep- but they were there.
He saw me looking at him- at them. He smiled- it was a little bit sad, but it was a smile. He hugged me again, briefly, before returning to dressing himself in one of the pairs of pajamas- thick, with long sleeves and pants- they were white with blue stripes.
He dressed himself and then he helped me finish dressing myself - for some reason, my hands had started shaking so bad- jumbled voices in my ears and things I didn't understand tricking my eyes- and that was when my eyes weren't leaking-
After wiping my cheeks, he held up the pajama shirt and offered it to me, and I pulled up one hand- it hovered in the air hesitantly until I sent it through the sleeve.
Once we were both dressed, he began leading me towards the bed. It was soft, and very warm, with lots of blankets. It also had two pillows, fluffy and soft. He put one under my head, and then pulled the covers up around me, then pulling them up around himself. Then, smiling, he snuggled up to me- took a hold of my arm and hugged it and was resting his head on my shoulder and my pillow, not his own.
"Good night Claus." he said softly, then shut his eyes.
I stared at him- then moved one hand, the hand that had the red cloth on it, so that it was on his shoulder- it was just so I could stare at them both at the same time. I stared at them until my eyes rebelled and shut themselves.
I dreamed of when they'd first got their hands on me- about when I woke up for the first time in that blinding white room, finding all those faceless people standing over me, looming over me-
I tried to talk to them- tried to ask them what was going on- tried to make them let me go, let me go back home- but they didn't listen to me.
I screamed myself hoarse, but no one listened. "I want my dad! I want my mom! I want Lucas! I want to go home!" I said it over and over again- but they didn't listen. They didn't even look at me as I had talked, as if I wasn't there at all. Sometimes I wondered if I was there at all.
And then they started taking parts of me away, and adding things that weren't me.
In my dream, the one in charge of the others began cutting into my chest.
I didn't wake up until he yanked my heart out of my chest.
I bolted upright in the bed, both mechanical and human fingers going to the spot where my heart beat. The steady- if very fast- rhythm entered my fingers and reassured me.
So it was true that they had never taken out my heart. But the rest of the dream…it was true. A memory, not a dream.
I turned to look at Lucas. He was still sleeping beside me, his face slightly puzzled, one hand open and palm facing up, fingers twitching as if he thought there was supposed to be something inside.
Me? My hand, my arm?
I covered the brother- my brother- up and tucked the covers around him- the puzzled look on his face didn't go away, but he shifted slightly, and his eyes didn't open.
The man- Grandpa- was sleeping in the rocking chair, head back and snoring quietly. The Santa coat was covering him, sitting on top of blankets. I pulled it up and tucked it closer around him before backing up and looking around again.
The fireplace, the loom, the spinning wheel- the ceiling above us and the floor below us- I knew all of them now, recognized them all and could tell you everything about them.
The bed that Lucas was sleeping in and that I had been sleeping in- Dad had made it himself. Mr. Bronson had helped him some, because working with wood was Mr. Bronson's special skill, but Dad had done most of it- he started it just after we were born.
They had always- Master Porky, the scientists- they had always, always insisted that I had no family, that I was no one, that they just thrown me together out of spare parts.
Humans didn't have spare parts, and I was mostly- if not completely, not anymore (my human hand grasped convulsively at the mechanical arm for a moment)- human. I should have realized that they were lying.
But they would be very angry at me- definitely be angry and punish me. And what about Lucas? When they found me here, found me with him- would they blame him? Punish him too?
Would they even take him with? They used me for my skills- Lucas had different skills- he wasn't strong like me, but he wasn't the useless crybaby some people thought he was either.
Maybe they'd take both of us- and they would have me go back to being the Commander and have Lucas serve with me- maybe they'd let him work as my partner- maybe we could be together again. Lucas might even be happy with that- that we were together again. He'd been happy to see me, and he hated being alone-
The doctor's blade bit deep into my chest, and Master Porky loomed in the background, laughing as I screamed -
I shuddered.
No. no, Lucas would be better off- would be safe here, even if he didn't like being without me. Even if I didn't like being without him.
Mind made up, I moved quietly to the door.
If I finished the mission and returned to the base before they came to find me, they probably wouldn't punish me so bad. And even more importantly, they wouldn't learn about Lucas, so he would be safe. That was the most important thing.
When I touched the door, my hand shook so badly that for a moment I was stuck there, glaring at it and trying to get it to stop. I tried to use my other hand, but it just did the same thing.
I had to get out- if I didn't, and they came and found me here-
I shut my eyes and tried not to think about them doing to Lucas what they had done to me.
I had to leave- for Lucas's sake.
My hands quit shaking.
When I opened the door, I found that it had gotten even colder- the wind bit at me worse than before- but it was also snowing. The air was white with it, snowflakes as big as Lucas's eyes dropping from the sky.
Momentarily entranced by the sight of the falling snow, but still driven by the knowledge that Lucas was safer the further away I was, I stepped outside, out into the snow- and yelped at how cold it was- I hadn't realized that I'd been such a big hurry that I didn't even have socks on my feet- and then, thrown off balance by that, I stumbled forward, and tripped over a large stick that had been hidden by the huge white flakes and fell into the snow.
I was stunned- by the fall and by the coldness- for only a moment before I began pushing myself up, shaking my head to get the snow off, before sitting on my knees and looking up again at the snow falling down.
It was so soft and white- it filled the air- it made me think of angel's wings. Was Mom an angel now?
"Claus, you're still in your pajamas."
I twitched- one instinct told me to run, another told me to stand up and go inside. Both of them shouted at me so loud I couldn't think- instead, I stayed frozen where I was.
"Aren't you going to come back inside?" Lucas asked, still in that calm, curious tone.
I didn't speak- didn't move.
After waiting for a response that didn't come, Lucas sighed, and my ears followed his progress as the snow crunched beneath his feet until he'd made his way to where I was.
He sat down next to me, and spread the blanket he had over his shoulders so it offered both of us some protection from the wind and snow. Underneath the blanket, one of his arms went around my shoulders. Lucas was nice and warm. Instinctively, I shifted, moving closer to him, before I remembered what I needed to do.
"It looks like you bumped your head." Lucas murmured, his voice gentle. "Don't worry, I can fix it. I learned how to do lots of new things while you were gone." Before I could even begin to wonder about that, PSI darted down his arm and filled my body- a type of PSI I'd never felt before, warm and soothing-
I couldn't look at him. I had to leave him behind- it was safer for everyone, but mostly for him, if I left- especially with him now knowing PSI, and having abilities that I didn't have- but I couldn't leave him- couldn't leave-
I couldn't lose my name again- and I couldn't lose my family again-
"Once upon a time." said Lucas suddenly, "there were two little tiny babies named Claus and Lucas."
I turned to stare at him.
"Even though they were twins and born at the same time, for a while after they were born, their mom and dad had two separate cribs for them- they were sleeping next to each other, but not together-and because they'd been born earlier than they'd been supposed to, they weren't doing so well for a while. Lucas more than Claus. Lucas was kinda sick- and their mom and dad and everyone were worrying- and then their mom had a brilliant idea. She put them both in the same crib. And even though they were just little babies, couldn't talk or crawl or anything- they knew each other and cuddled up to each other. Claus even hugged Lucas. And after that, Lucas started to get better, and Claus got even stronger."
…I knew this story. Mom liked to tell it to us…to remind us that we were stronger when we were together.
"Claus, do you remember when Mom used to tell us this story?"
I nodded, slowly.
"Maybe our roles are reversed this time." Lucas said quietly. "They hurt you really bad, didn't they? So bad that you didn't even know where you where or how to get home."
That's right- the way they didn't listen to what I was saying, I started to wonder if maybe I wasn't there really - if maybe the reason they treated me like I wasn't there was because I wasn't there. After that, sometimes when they hurt me real bad, I'd find myself hovering by the ceiling, sometimes looking down at my body as they did things to it- sometimes I'd stare at the ceiling, ignoring the sounds coming from behind my back as I tried to see the sky past the ceiling.
I didn't realize I had said all that out loud until Lucas flung his arms around me, gripping me so tight it almost hurt- but I didn't even try to make him stop. Hugged him back, assuring myself that he was there, and I was there- that this was real-
"How could they do that to you? How could they do that to you?" Lucas repeated over and over again, rocking me like a baby that wouldn't go to sleep. He sounded both sad and angry.
I didn't have an answer for him- I didn't have anything to tell him that would make him stop hurting, stop crying- so I just hugged him back.
Eventually, I pulled back and looked at him- he looked at me too, half frozen tears on his cheeks, and snow almost turning his sun yellow hair as white as bones.
"I have to go." I said.
He just looked at me, confused, asking me to explain without saying anything.
"If I'm here, they'll come here to get me. Then they'll find you, and I don't know if they'll just punish you or if they'll take you away too, but I know they'll hurt you."
Understanding covered his face before he frowned and determination took its place. "You're right. They probably will come looking for you, and I'm sure they won't be trying to make friends when they come." he stood up, leaving the blanket with me and then, standing in the snow despite the wind, he smiled, still with that determination, as he held out his hand to me. "Come on Claus. We're stronger when we're together, remember? And this time, I want to be the one who helps you get better. If the two of us work together and get the others to help too, I'm sure we can beat them. We need you though- planning was always your job, remember?"
I looked at his face- beaming, quiet and calm and full of faith- to his hand.
It was bigger than I'd remembered- bigger and stronger, and when I touched it, it was harder-
"Dad spends all his time looking for you." Lucas said quietly as I rested my fingers on his hand. "So while he's gone, it's my job to take care of the house, the sheep, and Boney." He chuckled a little, wryly. "It can get a little hard sometimes- sometimes creatures are hungry and want to eat one of the sheep, and I have to stop them."
Even without me saying anything, he'd know what I was thinking about how his hand was different.
I gripped his hand and he pulled me up easily.
"Your shoes from before probably don't fit anymore- you've probably gotten too big." Lucas said quietly, but still smiling. "But that's okay. I outgrew mine too, and you can borrow a pair of my shoes until we get a pair made just for you. Now- come on, it's time to go inside- what with running around without a coat and now coming outside in your pajamas and barefoot in the snow, you might catch a cold."
I nodded, and let my little brother pull me back into the warm house.
When Dad came back, hours later, we were still up, still talking about what to do next, Lucas showing me how to cook an omelet as we talked. When the door banged shut loud enough to wake Grandpa, Lucas and I both turned around with smiles.
"Welcome home, Dad."
OoOoOo
I know it's late, but both this idea and real life refused to let me alone. I hope this is finally good enough, because I reached the point where I've gone over this so many times I can't see straight. Hope you enjoy, and remember, reviews are always appreciated!