A/N: This one might be a little triggery, guys. Read with caution.
He'd been closed off for months now.
In the ring he was still the same masterful performer who left everyone who watched him gaping in awe, but at home he was different. As soon as the bright lights went out and the crowd left, he deflated, shoulders falling and spine curving as he shuffled through the locker room and prepared for the ride to the next city. He took at least four showers a day, even if he never left their room, scrubbing at his skin until he was raw and almost bleeding. Getting him out of bed in the mornings was harder than it had been Before, and getting him to eat was like parting the Red Sea. He never spoke, not even when spoken to, and he went to bed with all the lights on, a full night's sleep having eluded him for months.
Since it happened.
John sighed deeply, pulling the curtains in the bedroom open to let in the morning sun. He knew he had to tread lightly if he was ever going to get his lover back. As he turned to look at the lump in the middle of his bed, his heart gave a painful throb in his chest. Randy had burrowed beneath the covers, hiding from the daylight and John's gaze. He walked over to the bed and climbed onto it slowly so as not to startle the younger man. He reached out gently and fisted his hand in the comforter, pulling it slowly down Randy's body. He could feel Randy tense as more and more of himself was revealed. He held his weight on one elbow as he pulled the covers down to Randy's hips, wanting desperately to reach out and run his hands all over the man in front of him, but he knew he couldn't. Not if he wanted this to work. He'd have to go slowly.
He scooted closer to the ball of muscle and tattoos curled up in front of him and gently laid a hand between Randy's shoulder blades, brow creasing slightly when he felt Randy flinch. He rubbed smooth circles into Randy's skin with his thumb and smiled when he felt his lover begin to relax. Soon Randy's long legs unfurled, and John grinned. He knew he couldn't rush, but Randy's reaction raised hope in him that he might be successful this time.
Randy bit his lip, trying to hold in the moan building in his throat. John's hand felt so good rubbing across his shoulders, but he couldn't make a sound. He couldn't let him know that he was enjoying what was being done to him. He had Before and things had gone wrong. So terribly wrong. He bit his lip harder and squeezed his eyes closed, trying so hard to fight the memories clawing their way to the forefront of his mind, his muscles tensing as a sign of the struggle.
John felt the change in Randy, felt him start to tense again, and cursed to himself. He leaned slowly into Randy, tucking his chin into the space between Randy's shoulder and his neck. Bit by bit he pressed the length of his body against the back of Randy's until every inch of Randy was molded to him. He pressed a gentle kiss to Randy's jaw and pressed their cheeks together.
"It's just me. I won't hurt you." He heard Randy inhale deeply, his exhale shaky and stuttered. He slid his hand down Randy's arm and around his waist, fingers brushing lightly against the four inch scar carved into the right hip. Randy flinched, his body instinctively pulling away from John's, and John let him go. He reached out again and entangled his fingers with Randy's, slowly leaning in again to kiss behind Randy's ear.
"I won't hurt you. I'll never hurt you. I love you, Randy. You don't have to be afraid of me." He could see Randy begin to relax, and he tried again. He pressed himself against Randy's back and wrapped his arm around his waist, fingers intentionally brushing the scar again before settling over Randy's abs. He traced a path up to Randy's sternum then back down, around his belly button, and down to the hem of his sweat pants before starting over. Randy's breathing picked up, but he didn't pull away. It gave John the confidence to get bolder.
He kissed Randy's jaw, fingers still gliding over Randy's stomach, before kissing a warm path down Randy's arm. When he got down to Randy's hand, he stopped and turned it over, kissing his lover's palm and each of his fingertips before traveling back up the inside of Randy's arm with his lips. He poured every tranquil thought and loving feeling he had into his lips and his fingertips, hoping that Randy could feel it. He gave an inner cry of victory when he reached Randy's shoulder and pulled his body over, Randy willingly turning onto his back and giving John access to his chest. John suckled gently at Randy's right collarbone, and the younger man let out a strangled moan, the sound clawing its way out of his throat. He froze instantly, eyes wide with fear. He had accidentally moaned During, and it had gotten him into trouble.
The scent of sweat and leather filled his nostrils as the sense memory swept over him, and he swore he could feel his teeth digging into his most sensitive flesh. He tried to pull away, struggling to free himself, but he couldn't. Instead he bit harder, hands suddenly leaving Randy's field of vision. He was confused; he couldn't understand where those hands, those fingers, could possibly be going. The realization shot through his brain like a bullet, and he suddenly wished he'd stayed confused as a hot curl of pain shot up his spine.
"Randy, baby, snap out of it! Open your eyes, Rand! Look at me!" John swore loudly as he felt Randy lose himself in the flashback. "Randy, you're home! With me! With Johnny! Baby, you're safe!" Randy continued to struggle against him, and he panicked, not knowing what else to do to bring Randy back. So he did the one thing he could think of that worked all the time Before. He only hoped it would work now.
He kissed him.
He grasped Randy's face between his hands and pressed their lips together, kneading Randy's gently with his own. Randy was stiff and tense beneath him, and he was afraid it hadn't worked and maybe he'd done more harm than good when Randy finally started to respond. His lips pushed tentatively back against John's, and John groaned, planting a tiny kiss in the center of Randy's lower lip before leaning in again to massage Randy's lips with his own. He almost howled with delight when he felt Randy's fingers drift over his hips as if he wanted to clutch at them but was too scared to. John lifted one hand from Randy's face and pressed Randy's hand against him, humming gratefully when Randy echoed the movement on his own with his other hand. He pulled slowly away from their kiss, but Randy buried his face in John's neck before the older man could look into his eyes.
"What if I can't do this?" Randy's voice was weak and hoarse from disuse. It broke John's heart to hear it. He leaned down and kissed Randy's shoulder, the other man's grip tightening slightly around his hips.
"Then we stop and try again later." A small whimper of fear escaped Randy's lips, and John knew he had to pull through this time. He couldn't stand to see Randy like this. He'd never known his lover to be so afraid, and he was determined to coax the old Randy back into the light.
He kissed Randy's forehead, smiling when he heard Randy sigh almost happily at the action. He kissed each of his closed eyelids, both of his cheeks, and his chin before returning to his lips, parting them gently with his own and sliding his tongue inside.
Randy tensed but didn't pull away, squeezing his eyes closed and focusing on the pressure of John's thighs pressing against his own and John's lips on his. He felt himself slipping as he felt a beard scratch across his jaw, and he shook his head to clear it, unintentionally dislodging his lips from John's. He squeezed his eyes closed tighter and shook his head again, focusing on the moment.
"John," he thought to himself, not realizing he'd also spoken aloud. "I'm with John." Above him, John grinned, knowing in his gut that today would be different than all the others.
"That's right, Rand. You're with me. And I'm not gonna hurt you." Randy nodded, his body trembling beneath John's as he settled into the bed. John smiled sweetly at his lover and leaned down, pecking Randy's lips before kissing his chin. He settled his weight on his forearms as he kissed around Randy's jaw to his ear and down to his shoulder. He peppered it with kisses, moving slowly across until he reached Randy's gnarled left collarbone. He kissed it sweetly and then passed his tongue across it, leaving a warm, wet path over Randy's skin. He let out a gorgeous sound, half sigh, half moan, and it made John squirm, his arousal brushing against Randy's thigh. Feeling John's erection press into his skin made Randy nervous, but he wouldn't let himself think about what happened During. He breathed in through his nose and exhaled slowly, hands curling into John's hips as he felt the older man kiss his left nipple. He arched into John the slightest bit when John flicked his tongue across the sensitive nub, the cool air in the room making it harden into a peak instantly.
John couldn't believe how well Randy was doing. He hadn't been able to touch him like this since Before, and it stunned him just how much he missed lavishing Randy with attention. Feeling overwhelmed with love, he pressed his lips to Randy's pec, directly over his heart then rested his head over the spot. The sound of Randy's heartbeat, slightly elevated but calmer than he'd heard it in months, was reassuring to him. He knew the future of the day rested on how Randy reacted to his next action. He pulled himself up and kissed Randy soundly as his hand surreptitiously slid down the length of Randy's body and into his pants.
Randy's eyes squeezed shut, and his heart rate tripled as he fought off the memories. He fought against the vice that had trapped him During, trying instead to force himself to focus on the man he loved. The harder he fought, though, the more he began to sink, and he knew he'd drown without help. So he called for a lifeline.
"Talk to me." John was confused. Randy continued before he could question him. "I don't care what you say, just talk. Keep me here."
John understood instantly, and he kissed Randy before bringing his lips to his ear.
"I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you glare at me when I make fun of your ears. I love the way your t-shirts hug your chest. I love the way your smile brightens my whole fucking day." John let his words tumble out of him, his hand wrapped around Randy's cock not moving. He pressed kisses to Randy's jaw and temple as he continued to dote on him, telling Randy about every single time he could remember that the younger man had made his heart ache with how much he loved him. As he spoke, he could feel Randy's shaft starting to fill with blood, the organ starting to harden and rise in his grasp. He felt a thrill of heat curl low in his belly, and his own shaft throbbed in his pants. He buried his face in Randy's shoulder and groaned, kissing the warm skin under his cheek and inhaling Randy's scent. He groaned again as he felt Randy's hips push gently into his hand. Randy was hot and full in his fist, and he wanted nothing more than to possess that, to take all of him in and work them both into ecstasy, but he knew he couldn't rush. Not when Randy had been doing so well. Not when they'd gotten so far.
Randy tried not to think about how amazed he was at having finally gotten an erection. He hadn't felt arousal since Before, and he knew John had to push a little faster than he had been previously if he was going to keep himself from slipping again.
"Johnny, now. Right now." John froze, afraid to even blink.
"Rand? What—I mean…are you—"
"I may never get this far again." John knew Randy was right, but he was scared that if he pushed too far too fast, Randy would get spooked and regress back into his shell. He released Randy's erection and leaned on his forearm, reaching out to the bedside table with his other arm to grab the small bottle of lube out of the drawer. He kissed Randy soundly and leaned back, slowly pulling Randy's sweats down his long legs and throwing them on the floor. He stared openly at his lover's body, shaft full and proud, hip marred by the angry scar notched into the skin but still somehow perfect and beautiful. John undressed himself, watching as Randy's breathing sped up at the sight of his erection, and he bit his lip nervously. He'd hoped seeing him again wouldn't scare Randy, but from the young man's reaction, it might. He grabbed the bottle of lube and flipped open the cap, pouring a more than generous amount into the center of his wide palm.
Randy mirrored John as he chewed anxiously on his bottom lip, heart racing and breathing going almost quadruple time. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to even out his breathing as he anticipated John's probing fingers. He repeated John's name over and over again in his head like a mantra, one that tethered him to the moment so he wouldn't drift back out to sea, so he was shocked when he felt John's warm, slick hand close around his cock.
"John, what are y—oh fuck, oh god." John stroked Randy firmly, his hand twisting on every upstroke. He moaned deeply as he heard Randy respond to him, his body flushing beautifully in the sunlight that streamed through the windows. He took a deep breath and climbed over Randy's hips, spreading the lube across Randy's cock and watching as Randy squirmed beneath him. He hadn't had the time to prepare Randy take yet, so he'd changed tactics and prepared him to give instead.
"Look at me," he whispered quietly, not wanting to startle Randy. He leaned over and kissed Randy, eyes staring into the shining blue pools before him as he sank down onto Randy. He screwed his eyes shut and breathed deeply, focusing on Randy's pleasured gasps instead of the burning stretch of his ass as his lover's thick erection split him. He pushed himself down slowly, forcing himself to adjust quickly, until finally Randy was completely inside him. He shuddered at being filled so completely and opened his eyes, shock hitting him as he saw tracks of tears streaming from Randy's eyes and down his cheeks onto the pillows.
"Randy? Baby, what's wrong?" He leaned over and grasped Randy's face in his hands, ready to pull himself off of Randy's dick, but Randy stopped him, hands digging into John's thighs.
"I'm ok. Just don't stop." His eyes opened, and he stared up at John, the desperation in his gaze breaking the older man's heart. He was so afraid of drowning again; he wanted to be with John before his memories stole their reunion from them.
John bit his lip and nodded his head, bracing his hands flat on the bed on either side of Randy's skull and raising his hips. He groaned as he felt Randy leave his body before he slid back down again, eyes rolling back as he was filled with Randy's shaft. He lifted himself up again, kissing Randy's cheekbone as he pushed back down. He gasped as he worked himself on Randy; he hadn't been taken since long Before, and he was surprised by how much he missed it. He pressed his forehead against Randy's, taking in every inch of his face as he rocked.
Randy's eyes were screwed shut, his lips falling open and deep moans and gasps tumbling out. For once, he wasn't concerned with stifling his noises. John felt so fucking good wrapped around his cock, and he was quickly losing himself, this time to the heat of John's tight ass and not his memories of During. His hands found their way to John's thick thighs, nails digging into the smooth skin as he arched into John. He hadn't felt this alive, this awake, in ages and as John moved over him, he felt parts of himself that he'd thought he'd lost forever floating back to the surface of his consciousness. He gasped as John licked a hot trail down his throat and sucked on his Adam's apple, clenching his ass hard around Randy's dick.
"Oh fuck, Johnny, please don't stop. Please." John's toes curled as he heard Randy moan and shout for him. He buried his face in Randy's neck as he changed the angle of his hips, whimpering as the head of Randy's dick pressed insistently against his prostate. He bit his lip and rocked again, eyes squeezing tightly closed at the pleasure that licked up his spine as Randy rhythmically prodded his prostate. He clenched around Randy's cock again, loving how full he felt, and Randy moaned loudly, arms wrapping around John's shoulders. John sat up and braced one hand on Randy's abs, the other clutching behind him at one of Randy's legs, hand clutching desperately at Randy's thighs. The muscle felt firm and the skin smooth beneath his hand, and John growled, grinding his hips into Randy's.
"God, Rand, you stuff me so fucking good, baby. Fuck, I love you." Randy bent his legs, supporting John's weight with his powerful thighs as he watched his lover ride him. John's cock bounced deliciously against his abs, and Randy brushed a hand over it lightly before cupping his hand around John's balls and rolling them in his hands. "Fucking hell, Randy! Shit, I'm gonna fucking come but I don't wanna. Not without you."
Randy knew he wouldn't last much longer, but he also knew there was one more thing John had to do if they were going to consider their day a success. He grabbed the hand splayed across his abs and brought it to his lips, sucking three of John's fingers into his mouth. He moaned around John's fingers as John's ass clamped down on him, the vice-like heat curling his toes. He released John's fingers from his mouth and looked directly into his eyes.
"Inside me, Johnny. I need it." John knew he was right, but he was also afraid. He hoped that Randy was so lost in his pleasure that he wouldn't panic and drift into flashbacks. He leaned back and reached behind him, circling Randy's hole with his index finger. Randy's eyes fell closed and his brow creased as he frowned, and John knew he could lose him. As he pushed his index finger into Randy he grabbed Randy's balls and squeezed them in time with his movements over Randy's cock. The angle was weird, and his wrist would hurt like a bitch later that day, but he knew it'd be worth it.
"Johnny! Fuck, Johnny, please. Need it now." Randy could feel the edge of his consciousness start to blur, so he thrust up into John, the movement somehow pushing John's finger deeper into his body. John leaned back further and curled his finger slightly, and Randy's back curved clear off the bed, his mouth falling open into a wide O. A long string of moans and whimpers fell from his lips, and John pressed into his prostate again, riding his dick faster.
"Johnny, so good. So fucking good, baby, god." Randy's world went white as he came, arching so high off the bed his shoulders almost rose as well. He fell back to the bed, boneless and spent as John wrapped a hand around his dick, jerking himself tightly.
"Rand…fuck, I'm so close, baby. So fucking close." Randy reached down hesitantly and traced his thumb over the slit of John's cock and around the head, wrapping his thumb and index finger just under the head and rubbing the sensitive tip. John leaned back, both hands gripping Randy's thighs tightly as he released. Streams of hot come landed on Randy's arm and stomach, and his mind flashed briefly back to the dirty, used feeling he'd had During when he'd gotten it in his eye and up his nose, but as quickly as the memory was there, it was gone, John collapsing against him and nuzzling into his chest banishing the tide.
Randy reached up tentatively, one arm wrapping around John's waist as the other crept slowly across his shoulders, fingers eventually settling against the nape of John's neck. John hummed pleasantly against his sternum, and he squeezed him in his arms.
"I didn't think it'd work." John lifted himself up to look into Randy's eyes. He kissed him, holding him there for a long time before he pulled away, placing another small kiss to the corner of Randy's lips.
"I knew it would eventually. You're strong, Randy. I had faith in you." His heart tightened painfully in his chest as he saw something he hadn't seen since Before; a bright grin split Randy's face in two, and he laughed, the sound washing over John like a cleansing rain. He loved Randy so much it hurt.
"Thank you, Johnny." John kissed Randy's forehead, smiling sweetly down at his lover.
"You don't have to thank me. I'm here for you. Always. I love you." Randy smiled sheepishly, a small blush blooming in his cheeks.
"I love you more," he responded, tangling his legs with John's.
John sighed contentedly and stared out the window, his heart singing and full of joy. Randy squeezed him slightly and closed his eyes, letting his thoughts wander as he and John lay peacefully together.
Though it had only taken one night to break him, he knew it would take more than one day to fix him. He was pretty sure though that John had coaxed him to a major breakthrough, and he knew that with John by his side, he'd get better. Stronger. He'd eat more and sleep longer. He'd hold meaningful conversations and some not so meaningful ones as well. And eventually he knew he'd be able to turn off the lights, and he and John could have their happily ever After.