A play-style romp featuring the Negaverse Generals. Basically just some amusing little titbits from someone who watches far too many BBC comedy shows. Credit must go to Ben Elton, Richard Curtis, Doug Naylor and Rob Grant for a number of the ideas expressed in this story. However, please remember that this is fanfiction, and I do not own any of the characters featured in this story. Also, the verse which is featured in Scene 3 is taken from the song 'Hey You' by Pink Floyd. I do not own it, and I also do not own the song 'Last Kiss', which belongs to Pearl Jam. Okay? Good. ^_^ Oh, and another thing: anything written * like this * is an action, and anything written [like this] is to do with the setting/changing of the scene.
Well then, now that that's all out of the way…onward ho!!!
-Belladonna Sinistra-
~The Tomfoolery of the Negaverse-Episode 1: The Caped Menace~
by Belladonna Sinistra
[About mid-afternoon in the Negaverse. The Generals are sitting in a lounge room drinking tea, watching the interesting local wildlife, furry lizards, sheep playing violins and suchlike.]
Jadeite: God, I'm bored.
Nephrite: Oh, shut up. I know you like the sound of your own voice, but you've been saying that for the last hour.
Jadeite: * sticks his tongue out *
Nephrite: * rolls his eyes * Very mature….
Kunzite: Knock it off, you two. What are you reading, Zoi?
Zoisite: * shows him the cover of her book *
Kunzite: Ah, Virgil's 'Aeneid'! The epic tale of love, war, and bloodlust!
Zoisite: Yeah, this is the comic book version.
Kunzite: * reads over her shoulder * Kerpow, kersplat, die you Trojan pigdog. Well, I see they've remained faithful to the original text. I'm sure Virgil would have approved. * rolls his eyes *
Nephrite: Don't discourage her, Kunzite, it's the only thing she's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps..
Zoisite: * sticks her tongue out at Nephrite * What about this Trojan horse malarkey, though? I'm not buying that.
Jadeite: * stares at her in disbelief * That's one of the greatest military manoeuvres in recorded history, you ignorant peasant!!
Zoisite: Yeah, but think of it like this- the Greeks have been camped outside of Troy, kerpowing and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of ten years. Then one day, the Trojans wake up, and the Greeks have all gone, leaving behind this great big wooden horse, just big enough to comfortably conceal 400 Greeks in full battle gear and leave room for adequate toilet facilities, as a tribute to their valiant foes. Now are you telling me that not one Trojan said 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzie, what's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?'
No, they don't, they just wheel it in, and then all decide to go for an early night. If you ask me, people that stupid deserve to be kerpowed and kersplatted in their beds. * shakes her head *
Jadeite: * stares * Zoi, exactly which planet did you just beam down from?
[The impending argument is interrupted by a knock at the door]
Titus: Yoo-hoo!! Message from Queen Beryl, guys- the Sailor Scouts are on board our airship!
Kunzite: Right! Zoisite, you go and…
Titus: Hold up, Kunzite! Queen Beryl said I'm in charge!
Kunzite: Now wait just one damn minute! I'm the leader of the four Generals. I, Miss Titus, am the one who co-ordinates these operations!!
Titus: Sorry Kunzite, I didn't mean to steal your thunder. * snickers *
[scene changes to a large room containing an army of yoma]
Kunzite: Right, you all know what to do, destroy the Sailor Scouts, and the last one back's a Euro-Federalist!
* the yoma ignore him and gaze around vacantly *
Kunzite: DESTROY THE SAILOR SCOUTS!!!!
* one yoma starts whistling *
Kunzite: Err….right….Well, I'll be in the control room, correlating the…um…in the control room…..* leaves *
Titus: * whispers to one of the yoma * Would you be so good as to destroy the Sailor Scouts?
Yoma: Yes, ma'am! Destroying the Sailor Scouts, ma'am!
[back in the Generals' Lounge]
Zoisite: Well, today was a complete waste of makeup!
Kunzite: Hmph.
Jadeite: For crying out loud, Kunzite! Are you still sulking?!
Kunzite: No. I'm teaching sheep to juggle toasters.
Zoisite: * laughs hysterically * You were asking for that, Jadeite!!
Nephrite: * sighs * Bloody Sailor Scouts….
Kunzite: * sighs * I know….it's like trying to climb a wall, but you just keep slipping back down…..
Zoisite: * sings * But it was only fantasy….The wall was too high, as you can see….no matter how he tried, he could not break free….And the worms ate into his brain…..
* everyone stares at her *
Zoisite: Sod off, you lot, I like that song!!
Nephrite: * shakes head * Weirdo…
[scene changes to an alleyway, about midnight]
Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask! Help me!
Tuxedo Mask: * drops from rooftop * Never fear, sweet Sailor Scouts!! So, we meet again, Negaverse slime!
Zoisite: * mutters * Go get shagged, Cape Boy….
Jadeite: * passes a piece of paper to Tuxedo Mask * Here, call this number, tell them I sent you. Say it's an emergency.
Tuxedo Mask: I will not be insulted by you, Negaverse scum! Take that! * throws a rose at Jadeite, but misses and hits Zoisite *
Zoisite: AAAGGGHHH!!! My face, my beautiful face!! You'll pay for that, you (A/N- This bit is unprintable, sorry!) !!
Kunzite: Calm yourself, little rat….
Sailor Mercury: 'Little rat' ?! That's so mean!!
Jadeite: On the contrary, it's a term of endearment. It actually came from Nephrite calling her a…what was it again, Nephrite?
Nephrite: A sneaky, conniving, vicious, murderous little rat.
Sailor Mercury: And that's a term of endearment??!! In that case, I'd hate to hear an insult!!
Nephrite: Well, I meant it as an insult, but Kunzite turned it into an affectionate thing, so….* shrugs *
Sailor Mercury: Right then…..
Nephrite: Meh. D'you fancy a coffee?
Sailor Mercury: Well….alright, I suppose!
Sailor Moon: Hey! Sailor Mercury! We're in the middle of fighting them! You can't go for coffee with an enemy!! * Sailor Mercury ignores her and goes off with Nephrite *
Jadeite: Sure you can….* looks at Zoisite and Tuxedo Mask. Zoisite is jumping up and down, screaming abuse *
Sailor Jupiter: * looks dreamily at Jadeite * He looks just like my old boyfriend…
Jadeite: * eyes Sailor Jupiter * Well, hello there….I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Sailor Jupiter: I'll give you something better…* winks, then grabs Jadeite's arm and drags him off *
Sailor Moon: * jumps up and down * Raye, Mina, you'll stay with me, right?!
Sailor Mars and Sailor Venus: SSHHH!! Don't say our names, you idiot!!!!
Kunzite: Raye and Mina, hmm…Must remember that…* to Sailor Moon * So, what's your name, honey?
Sailor Moon: * blushes * It's Bunny….
* Sailor Mars and Sailor Venus smack their fists into their foreheads *
Sailor Venus: Talk about mouth…
Sailor Mars: I know!! You could sink a battleship in her mouth!!
Sailor Moon: You're so mean!! * cries *
Sailor Mars: * pats Sailor Moon on the head * Poor baby….. * rolls her eyes *
Sailor Venus: * to Kunzite * Hey there, gorgeous….you're looking good….
Kunzite: * stares * Er….right….Zoi, perhaps we should be going…..* drags Zoisite away, still screaming at Tuxedo Mask *
Sailor Moon: Oh, Tuxedo Mask...* swoons * You were incredible…* hearts in eyes*
Tuxedo Mask: Want to see something really incredible? * picks up Sailor Moon and flies/jumps away in the direction of Darien Shields' apartment *
Sailor Venus: He-ey…everyone else got a man…what about me?!
[Belladonna Sinistra suddenly Apperates into the alley]
Sailor Venus: Hey Belladonna, what about me?
Belladonna: You don't get a man because you're a dumb poser and I don't like you. * Disapperates *
Sailor Venus: * blinkblink *
Zoisite: Oi, Venus! You want a man, huh?
Sailor Venus: Yeah! Any idea where I can get one?
Zoisite: Well, if you hang around on the streets dressed like that, you'll get one faster than you can say 'I'm easy'! You never know, you might even make some money out of it!!
Sailor Venus: Why you…!!!
Kunzite: My God, is that the time?! Must dash! * drags Zoisite away before Sailor Venus can retaliate *
Sailor Venus: Ohh…bugger!!!! Hang on….where's my chain-thing? I want my chain-thing! What's become of my chain-thing??!! * screams *
* Trinity Apperates into the alley *
Trinity: * sings * Oh where, oh where can my baby be…The Lord took her away from me…She's gone to heaven so I got to be good…So I can see my baby when I leave this world… * hangs her head and Disapperates *
Sailor Venus: Riiight…