A Wizard in the Rye

September 1
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy muggle childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me and found out I had this magic thing, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. All that matters now is that I'm on a crumby train in Scotland heading for some crumby school for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts. You've probably heard of it. They advertise in about a thousand magazines, The Daily Prophet and The Quibbler and all that. Bunch of photographs of people flying around on brooms playing Quidditch. Like all you were supposed to do at that school was play Quidditch. Goddam.

September 5
 Moved in to Gryffindor tower today. Rooming with a fella named Weasley. The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs - if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do. Weasley's are all banged up and awful, and mine are at least decent--you know, the kind of suitcases you can take respectable places. And Weasley's got this lazy bastard of a rat that squeals.

September 12
Hogwarts is full of crooks. Quite a few guys came from these wealthy pureblood families, but it was full of crooks and squibs anyway. The more expensive a school is, the more crooks it has - I'm not kidding. Bunch of goddam phonies. This morning at the house table that lousy Potter kid--Harry or Henry or something--kept on whining about some dark lord and destiny and whatever. People never know when to shut up sometimes.

September 14
I ate a brown bean from a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean cause I thought it was Coke flavored. Turned out it was crap.

September 18
 Girls. You never know what they're going to think. Today I thought I was getting an in with this girl from Ravenclaw--Cho Chang, she's a real looker, you know? I met her at The Three Broomsticks and spent a couple of Sickles on a two butterbeers. We were sitting together, talking, it everything was going smooth, and then all of a sudden she's tearing up and sniveling about some old boyfriend of hers who kicked the bucket last year. I wanted to be sympathetic, to be a stand-up guy and listen to her, but I could barely understand a goddam word she said with that Scottish accent. I must've nodded or something at the wrong time because the next thing I know she's all wobbly-eyed and sobbing and running off to find that Potter guy. Women.

September 21
Lost 50 house points today from that old bastard Snape because my red hunting hat isn't "standard wizarding uniform." Goddam.

September 24
 I was thinking about the great lake on the castle grounds, down near the Forbidden Forest. I was wondering if it would be frozen over when the Christmas holiday came, and if it was, where did the grindylows go? I was wondering where the grindylows went when the lagoon got all icy and frozen over. I wondered if Hagrid came by with a cart and dragged them a zoo or something. Or if they just swam up into the Hogwarts plumbing. Goddam frightening thought, going to answer nature's call and finding a goddam water demon in the john.

September 26
Lately I keep picturing these little kids playing some game in this big field or rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody wizardly, I mean, except me. And a bunch of dementors. What I have to do, I have to summon my patronus around the kids - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and summon my patronus and keep the dementors away. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the spellcaster in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.

September 28
I messed up a stupid transfiguration spell today. Accidentally shot that sonuvabitch Malfoy with my wand and turned him into a ferret. Most of the class laughed, but that kind of phony laughter that you don't really mean. Then that goddam McGonagall was all snippy and docked me 20 points.

September 30
 Left school and went back to London. Got a room at the Leaky Cauldron. I couldn't stand that place with its goddam phonies and its magic and wands. Even though some of it was okay. About all I know is, I sorta miss everybody I told about. Even Potter and Weasley, for instance. I think I even miss that goddam Malfoy. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. Even wizards.