I still remember the day I met Daniel. It was raining dreadfully and I made it just in time finding a shelter in one of the half-underground market halls in Peking, before the rain started lashing down without mercy.
I had to brush a wet strand of hair out of my face again and again while walking through the corridors of the market halls, not really knowing if I was looking for something or just seeking shelter of the raging rain.
The market hall was like many other Chinese market halls: noise coming out of all corners and voices talking all in a tumble. A hen cackled in panic for its life, when the trader pulled it out from its cage, in order to chop its head off directly in front of the waiting customer. The waste of today´s sales was laying around everywhere, reeking of rotten vegetables and the blood of the recently slaughtered animals. Disgusted, my steps got faster and I was seriously considering of running back into the again, just to get away from all that misery.
It almost appeared like a dream to me when I suddenly noticed a few stands in a corner, which didn´t quite fit into the entire picture of meat and vegetable-selling dealers: a group of young women almost created an oasis of beauty amidst this loud and dirty place: paintings in all sizes and colors, daedal traditional dresses, old books, postcards, records …
I really couldn´t believe it and I felt like living in another decade when I approached, being curious about what to find there. My gaze and my hands started wandering over the tables, touching and feeling. I really couldn´t get enough of all these treasuries laying right here in front of me. I completely forgot the world around me, I forgot about the stench and the noise when I finally stopped at a small box being filled with photos and postcards. My fingers slid between the photos as if they were led by something. It almost seemed to me as if my hands would live a life of their own.
I startled easily when my hands started pulling something out of the box. It was an old, artfully decorated vellum roll. Being surprised to find this among the photos and postcards, I started opening it. The light sweet smell of the old vellum got into my nose and I almost felt like being a she-adventurer on her way ro reveal a huge secret. The paper has gotten pale, just as the old Chinese writing on it. Although I spoke Chinese fluently, I though still had difficulties in reading. Obviously everybody noticed this because of me frowning while trying to decode the content of the paper.
"This is an old legend from China. It tells of the love of a woman for a man. The legend says that the man of her heart returns from the dead in order to show his wife how much he adores her. He returns to tell her, how much he loves her, in life and beyond death." one of the young vendors explained to me with a gentle smile.
I smiled as well while my fingers gently moved over the old vellum.
A man, who loves you – in life and beyond death.´, I thought and sighed. I hope, I will get such a man one day as well.´
The vendor wanted 50 Yuán for the paper - too expensive actually, but I didn´t think much about it and gave the money bill over to her – I simply couldn´t help it, I just had to get this roll!
Being in my thoughts on this beautiful story, I headed the market hall exit while packing the vellum roll, not really paying attention to where I was walking over to. I jerked when my gaze finally moved up, looking into the dark, brown eyes of a man. The Asian was entirely dressed in black, he was a bit taller than I was, having short black hair and full lips. I could feel the gentle pressure of his hands on my arms. He did´t say anything but a gentle smile whisked over his lips.
For one moment, we just kept on standing there, looking into each other´s eyes, being completely fascinated from each other. I had absolutely no idea, who this man was but at the same time, I felt so close to him as to no one else in the world - and although I got to know later, I somehow already knew that his name was Daniel. Daniel still didn't say anything. Instead, he took my hand and gently pulled me out of the market hall into a small side corridor. We walked along the corridor, getting faster and faster, starting to run at the end - away from the noise, away from all these people. I noticed how much out-of-air I was when we finally stopped in front of a door and Daniel opening it. No sooner the door was locked behind us, Daniel started kissing me passionately while undressing each other. He pressed me against the wall and my legs were twined around him when Daniel thrusted me, making love to me in the dimly light of the small room.
Something like this has never ever happened in my life before and no matter, how much I tried - I simply couldn´t give myself a reasonable explanation for it. I even got the feeling that what happened was meant to happen.
It should´t have been the one and only time between Daniel and me. From that day forth, we have been inseparable. During the day, we both have been out together, Daniel showed me a lot from the city, we laughed a lot and also spend time just doing silly things, we went to the movies and to good restaurants - and at the end of the day, we returned home, making love to each other again, long and passionately. Daniel was the most tender man I ever met and although he still was a stranger to me, I just had that feeling as if we already have spent a long time of the passion and love together.
But I couldn´ t fool myself. I knew that our time was limited. Daniel didn´t know that my visa would expire in a few days and I that I would need to return home. The thought of what exactly would mean this for us both frightened me. Though, one this was clear: I couldn´t stay any longer and Daniel couldn't go with me either - and the more time passed, the more concerned and also dissappointed I got. I knew absolutely nothing from this man except his first name. I didn´t know anything about the man, I had fallen in love with - and the fact that Daniel didn´t do anything to change it just dissappointed me and even made me angry.
On my penultimate day in China, we already made love in the daytime. Daniel was tender and caring as always but this time, I couldn´t return his caresses. Instead, I got out of bed, telling Daniel about flying home tomorrow while putting on my bathrobe. I could feel my dissapointment and my anger, just getting fed by Daniel´s surprised face and his question, why we should change anything on the situation between us. This has been too much for me and I started yelling at Daniel, tears of rage running down my face. I yelled at him, how rude, how ignorant he was now after everything, what happened between us. How comprehensible it just was, wanting to know more of the man I had fallen in love with. I yelled at Daniel, how cold he was towards me now while it was ripping me to pieces that I had to leave tomorrow, probably never seeing him again - and I hated myself and my feelings for him. I hated myself for the fact that Daniel was able to fool me so much.
"How could I ever believe that you would feel the same way for me I feel for you, Daniel?!" I cried, my eyes filled with tears.
Daniel´s face got serious and I jerked, when he folded the blanket aside quickly and jumped out of the bed. He was standing right in front of me and for a moment I feared, he would start yelling as well or even getting violent. But instead, he gently took my face into his hands and looked directly into my tearstained eyes.
"Don´t you know yet, who I am?" Daniel said in a soft voice and wiped a tear off my face. "I am the man, who adores you so much. I always loved you, I will always love you. And I would die for you, if I knew that you wouldn´t have to leave then. But I will always be with you, now and for ever, no matter where you are…"
Daniel´s words hit me right in the middle of my heart. A thousand feelings burst over me now, making me happy inside but also scaring me to death at the same time. I could see the last days running in quick-motion in front of my inner eye again, starting with purchasing the old vellum roll right to this moment. All that happened, all what Daniel just told me - all this didn't seem quite kosher, it couldn´t happen for real!
I wasn´t able to think straightforward – if I would have been able to do in that moment, I wouldn´t have thrown Daniel out of my apartment and I wouldn´t have seen this sad look in his eyes when he finally took his stuff and left my apartment without saying anything.
I dug my face in the pillows, crying. Above all, I just wanted to hide myself in a corner without ever coming out again - nevertheless I knew, I had to pull myself together. I still needed so much to do until my departure tomorrow and I had to say good-bye to my friends and colleagues as well.
It was almost noon when the taxi arrived, in order to pick me up and drive me to the airport. It made me sad to leave China, my friends and my colleagues and I could´t help but think of Daniel as well. I felt sorry about the way we dispersed. How much I wished to see him again and tell him, how stupid my behaviour had been.
The weather again was very fitful, the sky was cloudy and it was supposed to rain again. I could feel the first raindrops on my skin when the cab driver stowed my suitcases in the car. I opened the passenger door quickly as I didn´t want to get unnecessarily wet when it would start raining heavily every moment. Suddenly I noticed something inside holding me back somehow of getting into the car. My gaze moved over to the other side of the street … and there he was - Daniel.
I called his name, still gazing over to him but Daniel didn´t say a word. He was just standing there, one hand in his pant pocket, again with this gentle smile on his lips - this smile, which bewitched me already the first time, we met each other. We just gazed at each other, not noticing that it had started to rain in the meantime. The rain ran down along Daniel´s hair and his cheeks but he still didn't move and gazed over to me, smiling lightly. Then he briefly nodded over to me before turning around and running down the road slowly.
"Daniel!" I shouted, still not being able to move. "Wait! …"
Then finally, I slammed the taxi´s door, crossed the street and followed Daniel, calling his name over and over again. But he didn't stop and kept on moving. In the meantime, the rain had gotten heavier meanwhile and I had to watch out not to fall on the slippery street with my shoes. I almost lost track of Daniel while following him, calling his name again and again, asking him to please stop. But he didn´t. We kept on tunning and running … and then Daniel suddenly stopped, I did as well. Daniel turned around to me and smiled lightly without saying anything, his dark brown eyes looking at me. I stood like rooted to the ground … and suddenly I noticed, that we were standing right in the middle of an old, big cemetery.
"Daniel, what are you up to?" I shouted, trying to get my breath back but again, he didn´t say anything.
Instead he just smiled again, then turned around and disappeared slowly behind the huge gravestone standing next to him.
"Daniel, wait! Don´t leave!" I yelled, stumbling into the direction where he had disappeared.
The stones were very slippery and hastily I took my shoes off, then I ran up the old stairs, up to the stone, Daniel had disappeared behind. I called his name when I stepped behind the stone, looking around but I couldn´t see anyone. I couldn´t understand, how Daniel could disappear so quickly, considering the size of the cemetery and the stairs being slippery through the rain … but then my gaze moved over to the small gravestone, being directly next to the stone, where Daniel had dissappeared. I discovered his photo on the stone and the inscription:
"DANIEL LIN SZE"
My gaze moved on, reading his birth and death year while my knees were giving way and I slowly slipped to the ground. Tears filled my eyes and my body was trembling. I didn't know if all this really happened or if I was just dreaming. But there was no doubt: the young man on the gravestone photo was Daniel, the same man I had spent the last days with. I didn´t know what to do. How was this possible? How could I be together with a man who was already dead?
Only now, I noticed an envelope being ajar against the gravestone. Rain drops had fallen on it and the ink-written letter were smudged, though I still could read my name being written on the envelope. Hastily I took the letter and opened it. I had seen Daniel only once writing something briefly but though I could recognize his handwriting on the letter:
"My love, thank you for this wonderful time I could spend with you. It was the most beautiful time in my life. I thank you for your tenderness and your love. I want you to know how much I adore you. Your love gave me strength to cheat death and return to you. I had to return to you and tell you, how much I love you. I will always love you and I always will be with you, now and forever, in life and beyond death. Daniel"
I could feel the tears running down my face while pressing the letter against my chest, looking into the sky … and suddenly … everything made sense.