Shades Of The Rainbow
Word Count: ~ 3.000
Summary: Ianto's forced to re-open a can of worms he kept closed for a long time: the question of his own sexuality.
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)
Rating: R
Spoiler: Novel: The Twilight Streets
Setting: after The Twilight Streets
Contains: Sex, discussion about sexuality (see Author's Note for more information), language
Author's Note: Written for queer_fest and this prompt: Ianto insists he's not gay or bi, he's just attracted to Jack. Jack says it shouldn't matter, but to Ianto it really does. I realize I strayed a bit from that but I hope this is still what you wanted. This fanfiction contains a lot of discussion about sexuality. I'm not bisexual (I'm gay, actually) but I did some research into the problems and prejudices bisexual people are facing. I worked a lot on this story and tried to keep it as neutral as possible while still giving the characters their voices and opinions. I don't intend to offend anyone with this.
Beta: larsinger29, who has been ever so helpful by listening, discussing and beta reading.
Disclaimer: I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.
Definitions of sexualities are quoted from the Britannica Online Encyclopedia.
xxx
Heterosexuality: by far the greatest amount of sociosexual behaviour is heterosexual behaviour between only one male and one female.
Homosexuality: sexual interest in and attraction to members of one's own sex.
Bisexuality: in human sexuality, sexual interest in and attraction to members of one's own and the opposite sex. A bisexual is thus a person with both heterosexual and homosexual desires.
The words glared at Ianto from his screen and he slammed the lid of his laptop shut and leaned against the back of his couch. A car drove by Ianto's flat, its headlights throwing shadows against the walls. Ianto hadn't realized how much time had gone by since they'd finished with dinner. It was dark outside now. He switched on the lamp on the side table, the soft, intimate light for once not having the usual calming effect.
"Whatever did the computer do to you?" Jack asked. Ianto turned his head in his direction. Jack was leaning in the doorway to Ianto's kitchen in what appeared to be a casual pose: hands in the pockets of his trousers, the braces pulled taut over his chest and the sleeves of his button-down rolled up. Ianto knew, though, – or at least suspected – that Jack used this pose very deliberately: to seduce, to distract, to impress and because he liked the way it accentuated his chest. It was also the way Jack showed Ianto that he was definitely interested in sex – in the slow seduction kind of sex that Ianto loved even though he would never admit to it or ask for it. The kind that left him breathless and dizzy and sweaty and that meant that they had all the time in the world at the moment. They didn't have the chance for that kind of sex very often. Unfortunately, today of all days, Ianto didn't feel particularly interested in it.
He sighed and put the laptop on the coffee table before he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling, ignoring the gorgeous sight of an unbearably domestic and sweet Captain Jack Harkness in his flat. "Everyone who thinks that the internet has the answer to all our questions is a liar," Ianto said.
"Google isn't our friend?" Jack asked and the grin was still in his voice.
"Not today, no."
Jack appeared in his line of vision. Standing behind the couch, he was now looking down at him with a smile. His hands landed on Ianto's shoulders, squeezing gently. Then they slid down and started to undo the buttons on Ianto's shirt. Ianto closed his eyes, remembering the sight of Jack's face – devoid of emotion – through a blood-slick pane of glass and opened them again. He couldn't get rid of the images the Light had shown him. Couldn't forget the way Jack's body had been used to control the Rift – exploiting, abusing and trapping him. Couldn't ignore the fact that he'd given his own life to try and save him. Against all odds. Alone against an army. For one man.
He opened his eyes again to see that Jack had stepped around the couch and was kneeling in front of Ianto, opening his trousers. Ianto's focus shifted to the laptop. Just like the vision, he also couldn't forget about his talk with Gwen. The words she'd thrown his way so carelessly, clearly not knowing any better, having no intention of hurting him and yet … she'd inadvertently opened a can of worms he'd kept closed for a very long time.
"I feel like I don't have your full attention," Jack said.
Ianto startled back to reality. "What?"
Jack raised one eyebrow, the reproach in his eyes a mixture of hurt pride and playful. "Hi, I'm giving you a blowjob down here. Care to let me know if you like it?" One corner of his lips showed the ghost of a smile. "I know you're the quiet type but this is a bit extreme."
"I'm sorry," Ianto said. "Sorry."
"What's wrong?" Jack got up and fell on the couch next to Ianto. With nimble fingers, he closed the zip on Ianto's trousers and planted a kiss on his temple, accepting the apology.
"You wouldn't want to know."
Jack grinned. "Now I'm really interested."
Ianto sighed and turned his head away. "I know you too well. You would laugh, make a remark and then go down on me again."
"I sound like a real bastard."
"You are, about some things." Ianto stared at his laptop again.
"Okay," Jack said, drawing the word out, and then he seemed to notice what Ianto was staring at. "What did the internet do to you?"
Jack would keep pushing until Ianto told him what was wrong. Not only did Ianto know Jack too well but Jack also knew Ianto and he was like a dog with a bone. Ianto shook his head. "It was Gwen … or my mom, actually … or just human ignorance."
Impatience seeped into Jack's voice. "Just one word, Ianto. What is this about?"
"Sexuality." There was a pause and then Jack chuckled. It hurt even more because Ianto had expected that reaction. "You see?" Ianto got up from the couch. "Bastard!"
Jack put one hand over his mouth, stifling the chuckle quickly before flashing a slightly embarrassed smile. "I'm sorry. I cant help it. It's instinctive."
Ianto snorted and went to the kitchen, yanking open the fridge and getting out a beer.
"Hand me one as well?" Jack asked from behind him. Ianto offered him a beer and a glare. Jack took the bottle from him, meeting his eyes without hesitation. "Right," he said, "you really are serious about this." Ianto opened his beer and when Jack reached out a hand for the opener, he put it back in the drawer and slammed it shut. He felt silly then, childish and petty, but there was no way he could take it back. Jack reacted with nothing more than a pointed look before he got out the opener himself. "Should I be mad at Gwen for bringing this up?" he asked.
"Why would you be mad at her?"
"Because she upset you."
"I'm not upset," Ianto replied and went back to the living room. For one second, he contemplated the couch versus the armchair. But he wanted to be as alone as possible at the moment, so the armchair won out. He sank into the cushions and pulled his feet up. His suit trousers protested the position but Ianto didn't pay them any mind.
"You could have fooled me," Jack said, entering the living room, and sipped on his beer. He sat on the couch, elbows on his knees and thoughtful eyes on Ianto. "So, what did you two talk about?"
Ianto picked at the label on his bottle. Pondering if he should answer, trying to figure out how … Jack was the only person he really, really didn't want to talk to about this – and probably also the only person he could. He stared at him searchingly, looking for any signs of being humored and found none. Jack's blue eyes were serious, encouraging. Ianto swallowed. "She thinks I'm … bisexual."
Jack looked at him as if he expected there to be more. When he realized that was all Ianto was going to say, he cleared his throat. "Aren't you?"
"Who's the labelist now?"
"This is apparently about labels, so I'm adapting," Jack answered. "Aren't you bisexual?"
Ianto took a healthy swallow of his beer. "I don't like the word."
"How come?"
Ianto shrugged. "Some people … most people don't see it as a sexual identity. They think it's an excuse for not settling on being gay or straight." He sipped. "Gwen does, too. She told me that I'm picking the best of both worlds."
Jack sighed deeply and leaned back on the couch. "Well, I know for sure that you aren't straight."
"I'm not gay, either. The girlfriends I had and … Lisa – it was all real, it was … I wasn't fooling myself."
Jack nodded, accepting that. "You're attracted to both genders, Ianto, and as far as I know – and forgive me if I'm wrong since I don't really concern myself with the labels of this century – that makes you bisexual."
"The only guy I ever slept with is you." It was the first time Ianto told him that. He suspected, though, that Jack had known. Jack nodded and Ianto continued, "I mean, yes, I felt attracted to blokes before but it was always just … it didn't seem real." He swallowed his nerves, chasing them with a sip of beer. "You're real."
Silence settled between them.
Then Jack asked, "Like the girlfriends and Lisa?"
"More like my first girlfriend and Lisa. The other two were … we were close but it wasn't ..." He bit his lip, looking away.
Jack let out a long breath. "... that intense?"
They were sidestepping the truth – a certain word – and Ianto hated it, but he also didn't want to get into that as well now. It was too soon and Jack would run and Ianto wasn't ready for this to end. "Yep." The flippant answer made Jack grimace and Ianto blush. Hastily, he got them back on track. "Being bisexual … too many people think that it's just about not wanting to settle, that it's just about sex, about getting … the best of both worlds. Even though it's the worst because nobody really trusts you. Straight people are put off that you can swing both ways and gay people think that you're inconsequential. That you'll run to the straight world when things in the gay world get too tough. Nobody wants you in their camp and when you're in nobody's camp in this world, then you already lost."
"That sounds like you make some pretty strong assumptions about people's opinions."
"Not everyone is like that, I know. I just … get frustrated." He closed his eyes, replaying his words in his head. Jack's steady gaze was on him when he opened his eyes again. "Wow … I haven't thought about this in a very long time."
They were quiet for a long moment, then Jack asked, "So, I'm the first guy who's intense for you?"
"Yes."
"Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that you're not bisexual. There's always a first time."
Ianto ducked his head to look at his bottle, muttering, "And I told you I don't like that word."
"Who hurt you so badly?"
Ianto looked at him questioningly.
"A reaction like that," Jack explained, "must come from somewhere. You're not the kind of guy who is intimidated by other people's opinions …"
"You'd be surprised."
"... unless those other people matter to you." Jack stared at him and Ianto avoided his eyes. He curled up a little tighter, trying to hide the motion but knowing that he failed to. Jack let the silence hang for another moment. "I don't think it's Gwen, because she said something thoughtless but in the end, we both know she accepts you as you are." He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "When did you come out to your parents?"
Ianto closed his eyes. "Just my mom."
"How did that go?"
"I prepared myself. Researched. Because I didn't know the first thing about any other sexuality than being straight. Bisexual seemed to fit so I told her that I think I might be … she told me that I was just confused and that I should not talk about it again until I knew what I wanted." He shrugged. "I think she never understood me."
Jack looked at him in understanding. "She couldn't accept you."
"I broke up with my second girlfriend because she couldn't understand me, either. I had a hard time, my dad was dying and her friend Shawn was … given half the chance, I guess he could have been … intense for me."
Jack nodded.
Ianto shrugged. "My girlfriend noticed … I told her the truth and she couldn't cope. Broke up with me, told everyone about it."
Jack frowned, piecing information together. "Ianto, you left for London just after your dad died. Was that ..."
"Yes. That was the reason. I couldn't stay there." He rolled his eyes. "I almost think that it would have been better to tell them I'm gay. That way … they thought I was some kind of freak. Maybe they would have calmed down after a while but I left after a couple I was friends with asked me for a threesome – they wanted to try it out and since I'm into everyone, what would be the big deal, right?" He stopped when he realized that his voice was trembling.
Jack seemed to notice as well. "Ianto ..."
He shrugged, quickly continuing, "I left for London, had something with a co-worker and then came Torchwood and Lisa and …" He stared at Jack. "It wasn't important anymore where I belonged to in the past, you see. Because I belonged to her. That's who I was."
"Who are you now?"
"I don't know." He snorted and took a large gulp of beer. "I think I didn't care for a while there. All I had was the job, anyway. And you from time to time but that was just … sex. No time for more, no time to think it through. Then you come back from your little vacation, taking me out for dates and such, but with everything going on, I just didn't think about it. Until Gwen reminded me."
"If it wasn't important all this time, then why is it important now? Why can't you ignore it?"
Ianto laughed helplessly. "Because with all the bad memories Gwen pulled out of the box also came the good – being with Lisa, belonging somewhere … I want that again. I want to belong somewhere."
Jack was quiet for a very long time. He looked almost hurt, confused. Then he whispered, "You belong with me."
Ianto closed his eyes. "That's not good enough."
"Why not?"
Ianto snapped, "Because you will leave and who am I then?"
The silence following was deafening. Ianto didn't dare open his eyes and look at Jack, scared to see his fears confirmed. Jack would leave sooner or later. Ianto wasn't the only one who thought so. Somehow, they all knew. Jack was a nomad. Earth was a temporary home. And temporary homes got left behind.
Clothes rustled, a beer bottle was set down on the side table. Ianto opened his eyes to see Jack pull the coffee table closer to the armchair. He perched on the edge so that his knees were touching Ianto's legs and took Ianto's hands in his. "I won't."
"Lisa did."
Jack leaned forward and stood to drop a kiss on Ianto's forehead. "I can't help you with this, Ianto ..."
Ianto wrapped one hand around his braces, keeping him close. "I didn't ask you to."
"... but … where I come from, nobody defines themselves that way."
"You told me once that you're omnisexual."
Jack sat down again and smiled at him. "And that means pretty much nothing because it encompasses everything."
Ianto sighed and closed his eyes. "Don't you have people who are just interested in one gender? I can't imagine everyone being open for everything."
"That's just what I mean," Jack answered. "Nobody defines themselves. If you're not into something, you just say no and that's it. No need to explain why. Sexual orientation isn't part of who you are."
"That sounds good but it's not exactly helpful here. We have labels. We grow up with them. I want to be able to know that I can answer the question when somebody asks me."
Jack looked at him. "You can tell them that you're pansexual or omnisexual – because omnisexual on this world and in this time is just another term for bisexuality, right?"
Ianto snorted softly, letting a smile slip out.
"Or …," Jack continued, "you can tell them that you're bisexual and then prove every negative thing wrong they think about it."
Ianto frowned, unable to defy the logic in that. "I'll think about it," he said softly.
Jack smiled gently. "You do that." He took Ianto's bottle and sipped.
Ianto uncurled, setting his feet on the floor on either side of Jack's, and kissed him chastely. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Thinking I couldn't talk to you about this."
Jack brushed a hand through Ianto's hair. "Well, I'm always good for surprises."
"You're actually a really good boyfriend," Ianto whispered teasingly.
"I'm a better lover, though, right?" Jack asked, his eyes twinkling with humor. "I always want to be best at being a lover."
"You're ruining the moment," Ianto said, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Sex never ruins a moment."
Ianto kissed Jack again to shut him up, opening his mouth when Jack's tongue pressed against his lips. Jack pulled him out of the chair to straddle his lap and put one hand on Ianto's arse to pull him closer. The kiss remained lazy, though, their arousal building up slowly.
'I love you,' Ianto thought and then resolved that, at least for tonight, belonging to Jack was all he could ask for.
END
05/12