Narrator: Have you ever wondered how the seasons came to be? Why we have
a winter and why we have a summer? Well fret no longer my peeps, we are
here with the new, modern version of the classic Greek myth of the
"Abduction of Persephone".
Cue trumpet blare
Narrator: Persephone was da most fine looking creature yo have seen. She was the daughter of the king of all dem gods, the all powerful Zeus, and Demeter, the Goddess of the Earth, fertility and the harvest. Persephone was a very innocent child, hardly ever stepping out of her white cracker hood. She was sweet (kinda like yo momma was last night!) and everywhere she went flowers sprung up and animals followed.
Now yo see, there was dis other god. The baddest motha of dem all. His name was Hades, and you never want to get on his bad side, 'cause he's the lord of the underworld. Well, Hades was lonely, he had no biatch to bake him some pies or show him some love, he was stuck all alone in the underworld. He immediately to a liking to Persephone the moment he saw her, and went to Zeus to get his permission.
Hades: Yo Homie! I be thinking about marrying Persephone. You down wit dat, brutha?
Narrator: Zeus knew that Demeter would be trippin' if she knew that her earth lovin' daughter would have to spend eternity cooped up in the dark underworld, but in order not to dis his brother Hades he decided to neither give nor refuse consent.
Zeus: I have no opinion about this.
Narrator: Hades took this as a "yes".
Hades: Aite! I'm gonna get me a fine woman!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Persephone and her posse decided that it would be fly to go pick some flowers in the nearby fields of Eleusis, when she spotted a slammin' flower called the Narcissus.
Persephone: Like, Ohmigod, Look at that totally gorgeous flower! I have got to get a closer look!
Narrator: When Persephone reached over to pick the flower, the ground opened up and Hades rode out in a mighty fine looking Cadillac and kidnapped the goddess. Hades: Ha Ha! I be down wit dis yo!
Narrator: So Peresphone was taken down to the underworld to be Hades' queen. Hades lavished her with all the jewels of the underworld, but she was incredibly unhappy.
Hades: Bling, Bling! Why yo be upset? I thought all white girls loved da ice.
Narrator: But Peresphone wanted to be back in her own crib, she wanted to see the sun again.
Persephone: I like totally wish I was back with my flowers. I'm like bored out of my mind here! And I miss my mom!
Narrator: Zeus was right when he said that Demeter would wig if her daughter was gone. She missed Persephone deeply and spent every waking moment searching for her. While she be searching, da world turned wack since she couldn't care for it. When she finally found out that Hades kidnapped her daughter and she could do nothing about it, she went on strike. She wouldn't do anything until her daughter was back.
Demeter: Man, I told you that I won't grow anything, no grass or nothing until my daughter is home. I'm normally all about peace love and happiness but this has gone too far dude.
Narrator: All da brothers and sisters started to die and the other gods were getting worried. They begged Zeus to return Persephone to her mother before dey had no one to worship them. Zeus decided to send Hermes, da messenger god, down to Hades to reason wit him.
Hermes: Please release Persephone, for if you don't all of the world above will die.
Hades: What da hell?! That is wack yo!
Narrator: When suddenly he got an idea.
Hades: Word, my woman can leave, but let me chill wit her first.
Narrator: Hermes agreed wit dat and let Hades hang wit Persephone for a bit. Hades had a plan up his sleeve. You see if Persephone ate or drank anything from da underworld, she would have to stay wit him foreva. He brought out a bottle of chris.
Hades: Yo! Before your fine ass leaves, I ask you to drink something. How bout dis chillin' bottle of crystal? As refreshing as ambrosia!
Narrator: Persephone agreed in order to get outta there as quickly as possible.
Persephone: Fine. But then I'm like totally outtie!
Narrator: When she returned to her mother, Demeter was mad happy. She be huggin' her and all dat shit, until she realized dat Persephone had drank something from da underworld.
Demeter: Un cool, Persephone, that's way square.
Narrator: In order to please both Demeter and Hades, Zeus struck a deal wit dem.
Zeus: Alright you two, this is the plan. Persephone has to spend two-thirds of the year with her mother, but she would have to spend the remaining third in the Underworld, with her husband.
Demeter: Okay man, I'm at one with that idea.
Hades: Fine yo'.
Persephone: Whatever.
Narrator: So every year, when Persephone leaves her hood to go to the underworld, da earth be showing her mother's sadness wit da beginning of winter. When Persephone returns from da Underworld to walk da Earth again, Demeter creates springtime to welcome her hype daughter home.
And dat is how da seasons came to be. DA END.
Cue trumpet blare
Narrator: Persephone was da most fine looking creature yo have seen. She was the daughter of the king of all dem gods, the all powerful Zeus, and Demeter, the Goddess of the Earth, fertility and the harvest. Persephone was a very innocent child, hardly ever stepping out of her white cracker hood. She was sweet (kinda like yo momma was last night!) and everywhere she went flowers sprung up and animals followed.
Now yo see, there was dis other god. The baddest motha of dem all. His name was Hades, and you never want to get on his bad side, 'cause he's the lord of the underworld. Well, Hades was lonely, he had no biatch to bake him some pies or show him some love, he was stuck all alone in the underworld. He immediately to a liking to Persephone the moment he saw her, and went to Zeus to get his permission.
Hades: Yo Homie! I be thinking about marrying Persephone. You down wit dat, brutha?
Narrator: Zeus knew that Demeter would be trippin' if she knew that her earth lovin' daughter would have to spend eternity cooped up in the dark underworld, but in order not to dis his brother Hades he decided to neither give nor refuse consent.
Zeus: I have no opinion about this.
Narrator: Hades took this as a "yes".
Hades: Aite! I'm gonna get me a fine woman!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Persephone and her posse decided that it would be fly to go pick some flowers in the nearby fields of Eleusis, when she spotted a slammin' flower called the Narcissus.
Persephone: Like, Ohmigod, Look at that totally gorgeous flower! I have got to get a closer look!
Narrator: When Persephone reached over to pick the flower, the ground opened up and Hades rode out in a mighty fine looking Cadillac and kidnapped the goddess. Hades: Ha Ha! I be down wit dis yo!
Narrator: So Peresphone was taken down to the underworld to be Hades' queen. Hades lavished her with all the jewels of the underworld, but she was incredibly unhappy.
Hades: Bling, Bling! Why yo be upset? I thought all white girls loved da ice.
Narrator: But Peresphone wanted to be back in her own crib, she wanted to see the sun again.
Persephone: I like totally wish I was back with my flowers. I'm like bored out of my mind here! And I miss my mom!
Narrator: Zeus was right when he said that Demeter would wig if her daughter was gone. She missed Persephone deeply and spent every waking moment searching for her. While she be searching, da world turned wack since she couldn't care for it. When she finally found out that Hades kidnapped her daughter and she could do nothing about it, she went on strike. She wouldn't do anything until her daughter was back.
Demeter: Man, I told you that I won't grow anything, no grass or nothing until my daughter is home. I'm normally all about peace love and happiness but this has gone too far dude.
Narrator: All da brothers and sisters started to die and the other gods were getting worried. They begged Zeus to return Persephone to her mother before dey had no one to worship them. Zeus decided to send Hermes, da messenger god, down to Hades to reason wit him.
Hermes: Please release Persephone, for if you don't all of the world above will die.
Hades: What da hell?! That is wack yo!
Narrator: When suddenly he got an idea.
Hades: Word, my woman can leave, but let me chill wit her first.
Narrator: Hermes agreed wit dat and let Hades hang wit Persephone for a bit. Hades had a plan up his sleeve. You see if Persephone ate or drank anything from da underworld, she would have to stay wit him foreva. He brought out a bottle of chris.
Hades: Yo! Before your fine ass leaves, I ask you to drink something. How bout dis chillin' bottle of crystal? As refreshing as ambrosia!
Narrator: Persephone agreed in order to get outta there as quickly as possible.
Persephone: Fine. But then I'm like totally outtie!
Narrator: When she returned to her mother, Demeter was mad happy. She be huggin' her and all dat shit, until she realized dat Persephone had drank something from da underworld.
Demeter: Un cool, Persephone, that's way square.
Narrator: In order to please both Demeter and Hades, Zeus struck a deal wit dem.
Zeus: Alright you two, this is the plan. Persephone has to spend two-thirds of the year with her mother, but she would have to spend the remaining third in the Underworld, with her husband.
Demeter: Okay man, I'm at one with that idea.
Hades: Fine yo'.
Persephone: Whatever.
Narrator: So every year, when Persephone leaves her hood to go to the underworld, da earth be showing her mother's sadness wit da beginning of winter. When Persephone returns from da Underworld to walk da Earth again, Demeter creates springtime to welcome her hype daughter home.
And dat is how da seasons came to be. DA END.