"It's ok. I won't need them in New York."
He tries to tell himself that it will be ok. That she was never his to begin with. But she tells him she's leaving & his whole body runs cold. His brain scrambles for any kind of plan to keep her here. It's selfish he knows, to want her to stay when it's not what she wants. He lies to himself & claims it's about her family, about her son. It's not.
It's that he doesn't know what to do if she's gone.
He briefly considers following her to that infernal city. He'd be just as out of place there as he is here. Perhaps things would be better there, where no one knows his name or his past transgressions. Maybe he could go with her. Maybe she would let him go with her. He knows he's a fool for even thinking it. She doesn't want him.
But Gods, he wants her. He wants every piece of her, the broken pieces & the strong pieces. He wants things he had convinced himself he could never desire again. Home. Family. Love. He wants it all & he wants it with her. Most of all he wants to be wanted back.
It will never happen. He knows it will never happen. He knew when he traded his ship he was nothing to her, but he had to see her. He couldn't imagine how to live in a world without her. He still can't.
He is broken. He has been a shadow of himself for a long time. He wishes he could go back to the emptiness he felt as he buried Milah at sea. The vacant ache in his chest. That was so much better than this pain that wedges itself in his throat. His brain repeating over & over again: what should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
He doesn't have any answers.
He takes a few steps to follow her into the hospital room. He knows he doesn't belong as a part of this scene, doesn't belong anywhere, but he feels tethered to her, as if going anywhere without her is impossible. He watches as she smiles at her parents, her newborn brother, her son. They are a family. He is nothing.
For the first time in hundreds of years he feels utterly, irrevocably, alone. He is in love with her. He is in love & it hurts. It hurts so badly he wonders how it is that he keeps breathing. He wants to beg her to stay. Beg her not to leave him. Tell her he needs her.
But he won't. He won't burden her with his infatuation. He smiles at the family scene in front of him & it feels like fine china cracking. He lost his chance at love a long time ago. He knows this. He was foolish to allow himself to hope. He knows who he is.
Knowing doesn't stop the sharp breath he tries to hide as he feels his heart break.