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"We commend to almighty God, our sister, Joyce Summers." Buffy looked away from her mother's grave and turned to Dawn, who was crying silently. 'Why couldn't I save her? What did I do wrong?' Buffy thought in anguish. "And we commit her body to the ground." The other Scoobies hung back, leaving the two Summers women to their grieving. "Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, and dust to dust." The first pile of dirt was placed on the grave, Dawn began to cry harder and lay her head on Buffy's shoulder. Buffy tenderly stroked her hair, not letting herself cry, if she started, she wouldn't be able to stop.
When the service was over, Buffy decided that Dawn should just come home instead of staying over at Willow and Tara's dorm. "Come on Dawn." She spoke quietly as not to startle the already distressed teen. "You can stay with Willow and Tara another night. We both need some rest." Dawn nodded through her tears, barely registering what she was agreeing to. Buffy wrapped her arm protectively around Dawn's shoulders and led her over to the rest of the group. They all tried to reassure the remaining Summers girls that everything would be alright. Buffy explained to Willow that Dawn would just be coming home that night. Willow gave her a watery smile.
"Of course Buffy. You guys need some time." Tara walked up to Buffy, grief for the woman and girl standing in front of her all over her face.
"It will get better you know. You just need to heal." Tara said in a knowing voice. Buffy enveloped her in a thankful hug, and squeezed her gently.
"Thanks Tara. I'm going to get Dawn home. I think we both want some rest." Buffy exclaimed sadly, as she brushed a stray bit of hair out of Dawn's eyes.
Dawn sniffled and wiped the tears out of her eyes. "C-can we go now?" She asked Buffy quietly as she put her arms around herself, trying to keep the pain in.
"Okay, thank you for everything guys." Buffy and Dawn walked out of the cemetery, Buffy's arm still draped across Dawn's shoulders.
.oOo.
It was shady enough in the cover that the trees provided that Spike was able to risk a walk back to his crypt. He had gone to the butchers for more blood using the tunnels about an hour ago. After everything that had happened recently, it was a wonder he even remembered that he needed to eat. God, so many things have gone wrong the last few weeks. He finally realized what he felt for Buffy and she completely rejected him. Before that, she said he was beneath her. He scoffed. She had absolutely no idea how deeply that phrase cut into him.
London 1880
"Your poetry, they're not written about me, are they?" Cecily asked the man sitting next to her, an air of contempt in her tone.
"They're about how I feel." A brown haired man by the name of William addressed her, trying to show confidence despite his fear.
"Yes, but are they about me?" She looked at William, already knowing the answer, just needing to hear it for herself, straight from the source.
He hesitated in his reply, not wanting to say anything to screw up what quite possibly could be his only shot with her. Taking in a deep breath he replied, "Every syllable."
"Oh god." She exclaimed. Not wanting to believe what was now confirmed.
"Oh uh, I know, s-sudden." He stuttered out as Cecily stood up off of the couch. "And, please, if they're no good, they're only words, but the feeling behind them, I love you Cecily." William was relieved to finally tell her how he felt, instead of watching her from afar, but by the look on her face, he knew something was wrong.
"Please, stop." She began frantically fanning herself as she paced around the room, trying to figure out how to explain this to William.
"I-I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. All I ask is tha-that you try to see me…" William was cut off by Cecily, who had decided that it was time to tell him how she felt in return.
"I do see you. That's the problem. You're nothing to me William. You're beneath me." At this, Cecily left a heartbroken William to think about what she had said. He gazed at the spot where she had been moments before, trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Spike shook his head in an attempt to clear the awful memories from clouding his vision. He remembered what it felt like to have your heart broken and stomped on, and then to have it done again in the same way…awful. And that was only the first of many problems.
'Buffy still hates me, thinks of me as her own sodding punching bag. Nothin' I can do to change that.' Spike thought, anger still coursing through his body. A wave of sadness replaced the rage as he remembered Joyce. Wonderful lady she was. She and the Bit were the only two out of the Scoobies that actually liked him. 'Joyce treated me like I mattered, always had a cuppa' for me when I needed to talk.' Spike continued to walk, not noticing the tears dripping down his face.
When the world was brought back into focus, Spike realized that he had already reached the gates to Restfield Cemetery. He pushed open the winding metal grates, cringing when they squeaked. "Really need to get tha' fixed. It's destroying my sodding hearin'." Spike muttered as he stumbled into the cemetery, still racked with grief for Joyce. 'God, this must be horrible for Buffy and Dawn. It's not fun to lose your mum, especially one like Joyce.' His heart ached for his girls, well girl. Buffy would never be his, But he loved Dawn like a sister, and he knew she loved him like a brother.
Spike lifted his head, sniffing the air. He looked around confusedly. He could have sworn he smelled Joyce, but that couldn't be right, could it? Did they bring her back? Spike took off in the direction of the scent just as he was hit with two other distinctive scents: Buffy and Dawn. The funeral. Apparently it was today. They never told him. He didn't really expect an invitation, the other Scoobies wouldn't allow it, especially Harris. He just would've liked a warning maybe, like "Hey, we're having the funeral today, just so you know." Something like that. He shook his head again in disdain for the whole lot of them, save for Buffy and the Bit. He couldn't go now, not with Xander there anyway. He would be staked right and proper. Spike turned on his heel, after some hesitation, and headed back towards his crypt.
.oOo.
Buffy and Dawn reached the front door of 1630 Revello Drive after a slow, grief filled walk home. Buffy silently took out her keys and unlocked the door, pushing it open after a second's hesitation. 'How am I going to take care of Dawn? She could be forced to live with dad if I don't do everything right the first time. How am I going to pay the bills and buy food and make Dawn do her homework? I can't do it by myself.' Buffy shoved these terrifying thoughts into the back of her mind for when she had time to worry about them.
"Come on Dawnie, you go up to bed, o-or you can eat first. Yeah, eat first, then bed." Buffy went into the kitchen and started opening cupboards, looking for something she could make for Dawn. Dawn walked into the kitchen after Buffy had just left her in the entryway, a grim look on her face.
"Buffy, I'm fine. I can get my own food. You go patrol or something." Dawn took the can of chicken and stars out of Buffy's hand and bent down to grab a bowl.
"Are you sure? Because I can stay if you want." Buffy asked her sister nervously. Dawn pushed her towards the door in reply, picking up a stake on the way.
"See?" She said pointing to the stake. "I'm fine. You slay, I sleep." And with that, Buffy was out the door and off into the night, slamming the door behind her.
"I'm fine." She said again in a whisper.
.oOo.
It was nightfall and Spike knew that the Scoobies would be gone by then. He could go and pay his respects. Grabbing his duster and a bouquet of lilies, Spike slammed the door behind him and made his way through the cemetery towards Joyce's grave, following her scent.
After only a few minutes, Spike located her grave. "At least they have good taste." He said to no one in particular. The gravestone was on a patch of beautiful grass under a willow tree surrounded by flowers left by the mourners and some that were planted there before. Quietly, Spike lay down the flowers next to the ones he knew Buffy and Dawn had picked out. A bouquet of red and white roses. He thought it was a perfect choice. Something to remind Joyce of her wonderful daughters. Red for Buffy, the Slayer, and white for Dawn, the key. Two completely different beings, but alike at the same time. He felt like he had to say something. After all, there hadn't been one time where he saw Joyce and didn't talk to her over a cup of hot cocoa. It was a little different now, without the hot cocoa and Joyce being dead and all, but he could still talk to her. He knew she was listening somewhere.
"'lo Joyce." Spike said in a quivering voice, unable to keep from trembling. He sunk down and sat next to the tombstone, getting ready for a long talk. "How are you pet? How's being dead treating ya?" He laughed at himself nervously. 'Great plan Spike. "How's being dead treating you?" Wow.' "I kno' that you can't really answer me but I still need to talk with you. Our little chats were nice. Sorry I wasn't at your funeral, I didn't get an invite. Nobody told me it was today, or else I would be there, even if I was dust. You're a right nice lady Joyce." Spike shifted around so that he was leaning against the tombstone.
"You deserve your two wonderful daughters. I know that they love you, Buffy loves you too. I know she can't say these things easily, but I can tell. It's just so strange you know? I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and it's so easy for me to explain how I feel, that it's hard when other people aren't like tha'. I mean, you knew that I loved Buffy even before I did." Despite his will to keep tears from falling, he could feel droplets welling in his eyes.
"I need to say something before I completely break down an' ruin my big bad image. I love you Joyce, never got to say it when you were with us but there you go. You mean a lot to me. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Back when Dru dumped me, I tried to stake myself, but it was your words that stopped me. Thank you for that." That was when the tears started falling. He was so wrapped up in his grief that he didn't notice a certain someone passing through the tombstones.
.oOo.
Buffy felt like visiting her mom before she went back to check on Dawn. It had been a slow night, she only dusted two vamps and one slimy purple demon with a bunch of horns all over its face. As she neared her mother's grave, she felt a familiar signature. "Spike." She muttered, rolling her eyes. "What the hell are you doing here?" She whispered to herself. She heard a sniffle and stopped, listening. "I love you Joyce," 'What!? You can't be serious!?' Buffy started to move out of the bush she had dove into, but then she stopped herself. Maybe she could figure out why he was so obsessed with her and her family. It couldn't really be love, could it? "…never got to say it when you were with us but there you go. You mean a lot to me." 'Really!? Is he really that stupid? Like anyone would believe that.' Buffy was a little less sure that time, but continued telling herself that he couldn't love, despite the evidence. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Back when Dru dumped me, I tried to stake myself, but it was your words that stopped me. Thank you for that." 'Okay, that was weird bu… wait a second, is he crying?' Buffy thought incredulously.
"Buffy an' Dawn mean a lot to me too. Especially your eldest. You know I love her, but she won't accept that even soulless beings can love. An' all that because of Angelus goin' all evil on 'er." 'Wait what?' Buffy looked hopeful and confused at the same time. "She doesn't get that it wasn't her that he couldn't love, it was that he was such a fucked up bastard that he liked killin' better. He wasn't such a nice bloke when he was human either. I think that's why she can't see what's right in front of her."
'It wasn't me? I didn't do anything wrong?' Buffy looked up, face filled with hope and some confusion.
"An' then she goes an' tells me I'm beneath her, I can't blame her too much though, she didn't really know the whole story. Shoulda known better tho'." Spike wiped some of the tears off of his face, even though it was useless. The tears kept coming. "Here's the thing. Before I was sired, there was this woman, name of Cecily, pretty girl. I loved her, and I wrote 'er poems, not that they were any good mind you, but one day she pulled me aside an' asked if my poems were about her. I said 'every syllable'. I told her I loved her and she told me I was beneath her. Now I can't hear tha' phrase without it hurting." He sniffed and pushed himself away from the tombstone and turning to face it. "Sorry Joyce, don't mean to bother you with my problems."
"Oh my god," Buffy had tears streaming down her face, hand covering her mouth. She took that opportunity to come out of the shadows and approach the man sitting in front of her mother's grave. Spike finally realized that someone was there and had been listening in. "B-Buffy?" He asked, surprised and more than a little embarrassed. She stumbled a little on her way over.
"I'm so sorry." She cried, eyes still wet. "I didn't know. I-I believe you now." She put her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, understanding dawning in his eyes.
"I love you Buffy, and you don't have to be sorry, I'm a monster remember." He said pointedly.
"Yes, you do love me, I do have to be sorry, and you're not a monster, not really anyway." She sat down next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I miss her too you know. I'm sorry you didn't know about the funeral. It's just, I couldn't think past Dawn and how I would be able to take of her. I just need someone to help me through all this, I love the gang, but they're just not good at the comforting thing." Spike didn't want to move, in case he brought her out of this state of mind where she might actually like him.
Suddenly, Buffy sat up, bringing her hands to her neck. When she brought them away, a small charm of an angel was attached to a long chain. She put her arms around the back of Spike's head, clasping the necklace. Spike peered down at his chest, looking at the necklace.
"What's this luv?" Spike asked picking up the little charm.
"It was mom's. She would want you to have it." Buffy sat back down next to him, wiping away fresh tears. Spike took a chance and put his arm around her, ready to be rejected again. Surprise evident on his face when she didn't shrug him off.
"I think I'm going to stay a little longer." Buffy said not looking at him.
"Would you mind if I sat with you?" He asked her, turning his head to look her in the face.
Buffy gave him a watery smile, "I think I'd like that."