A/N This is what happens when I'm left alone, unbetaed and unfiltered, for long periods of time. It's a big bag of weird in here, folks. I don't even know…

For CoffeeDrinker, who always gets it.

What's in a Name?

"A boy." Lorelai peered down at the sleeping bundle in her arms. "So you're a boy," she cooed softly. "Huh. A boy baby. What an…interesting concept."

Jess shared an eye roll with Rory, who smiled back weakly from her hospital bed.
"Yeah, we were going for abstract conceptualism," he snarked.

"There hasn't been a boy born around here since…you," Luke pointed out to him. "Before that, me."

"We have godsons," Lorelai reminded Luke. "Davey is a boy. Steve and Kwan are boys."

"A Gilmore boy. A Danes boy," Luke clarified. "A boy in this demented, twisted little family of ours."

"Aw, no brothers, Daddy?" Nurse Barbara flirted with Jess as she fluffed Rory's pillow. "Shame. I always like to scope out the hot uncles. You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he reacts to his newborn niece or nephew."

"That's why you've been constantly hanging out in here, fussing over me?" Rory teased the nurse. "I thought my grandmother paid you extra to hover."

"Oh, she did. She's quite a character," Barbara laughed, then smiled back at Jess. "Plus there's a rumor going around that you're The Jess Mariano, as in, 'Jess Mariano's The Subsect'."

Jess bristled. "The original novel. Not the crap bag screenplay. I have nothing whatsoever to do with that movie, and never will," he snarled at the nurse. "So no, I cannot hook you up with Ryan Gosling."

"Hey, don't be such an ogre," Rory scolded her husband.

"Yeah, be nice to her, she controls the squirty bottles of joyful relief. And speaking of sore spots," Lorelai whispered to Barbara, "you just hit one with Jess. Let's just say my son-in-law is no DB Caulfield and will not be selling-out to Hollywood again." Lorelai turned to Rory. "Ooh, you're naming him Holden, aren't you?"

Rory and Jess exchanged looks, piquing Luke's curiosity. The baby was over 18 hours old, and he and Lorelai still didn't know his name. He was sure something was up. There was an anxious vibe about the name. And Luke still didn't do well with anxiety. Or vibes.

"No literary names," Rory told her mother. "Too cliché." She looked at Barbara. "And no, no uncles, hot or otherwise. Sorry." She looked over to her son sleeping in her mother's arms. "He does have seven aunts, though."

"Seven aunts! Oh my!" Barbara said.

"Seven?" Luke asked. "How do you figure?"

Lorelai gingerly swayed the baby from one side to the other, as if counting. "One...two...huh, you're right."

"You need to think about it?" Barbara asked bemusedly. "Interesting family."

"He has two sisters," Rory started to explain, pointing at her husband.

"Half sisters," Jess vehemently corrected.

"Not close, then?" Barbara smirked.

"They're eight and six," he told her.

"Ah."

"And their names are Doula…" Jess paused for effect, "…and Karma."

"Oh my," Barbara replied. "Can't wait to meet their mother."

"Oh, yeah, my sister is really something," Luke mumbled. He saw Barbara do a double take at his words, then shake her head as if she heard him wrong.

"My father has two little girls too," Rory continued. "Gigi and Chanel."

"Doula and Karma versus Gigi and Chanel? Wow, would I like to see your Thanksgiving dinners."

"You don't know the half of it," Lorelai told the nurse. "And just where is the doting grandpa?" she asked her daughter.

"Parents' weekend at Gigi's boarding school," Rory answered.

"You mean the Litchfield Correctional Facility?" Lorelai snorted. "I hope she's being nicer to poor Piper these days."

"Aw, come on, Gigi's not that bad," Rory defended half-heartedly. "And Dad and Sherry will be here tomorrow. They sent that," she said, pointing the largest and tackiest of the many "It's a Boy" floral arrangements.

"I guess blue is the new green," Lorelai commented.

"No such thing as blue flowers in nature." Luke grumbled pointlessly. "Genetic modification or air brushing or food coloring in the stems. It's all fake."

"No rants on our grandson's birth day, babe."

"It's not his birthday," Luke grunted. He was trying not to get wound up, but he couldn't help it. Even after all these years, mention of Christopher Hayden still got him going. He knew it was silly, that he got the girl -both girls, really- and the ugliness was put to rest long ago, but, still. "He was born last night," he argued petulantly.

"Well then it's not his birth," Lorelai paused, "day, but it is his birthday. He's one day old. Happy birthday, baby."

"Jeez." Luke rolled his eyes. "You're not having a pie-a-day celebration like you made me do for the girls' first years."

"Says you," she shot back.

"And The Bickersons over here," Rory cut Luke and Lorelai off, "have Stella and Mia, who you met earlier before they left with our Grandmother. And April. That makes seven."

Luke smiled and relaxed some at Rory's inclusion of his daughter. They really had managed to blend this eclectic bunch into a strange but functional extended family over the years. Sometimes he even forgot how bizarre it could seem to outsiders, but when he did, one or both of the original Gilmore girls would remind him. They always seemed to delight in eliciting people's reactions.

"Well, April is technically my step-sister," Rory smiled, but she's Jess' first cousin, so there's still a blood relation."

"Oh my. Uh, o-kay," Barbara looked perplexed, which of course, spurred Lorelai on.

"Oh, wait, there is a hot uncle here! Luke is the baby's great-uncle AND his grandfather! And he is hot. But sorry, he's taken." Lorelai shot Barbara a faux-threatening glare, and when Luke saw the nurse's mortified face, he knew his wife would play some more. "I guess 'greats' shouldn't count in the tally, though. Too confusing with all the overlap. So who wants to break the news to Liz that she doesn't make the aunt cut? I'm sure she won't mind, seeing as she's also his grandmother."

"Oh my," the nurse looked around the room, wild-eyed. "I'll be right…yeah," she said, fleeing back to her station while mumbling something about grabbing her banjo.

"Hee," Lorelai giggled, "That never gets old. Did you see that? We left her completely Takei'ed."

Lorelai peered down at her grandson. "So, seven aunts, huh? They should name you BJ." She smiled at the sleeping baby. "Would you like seven lady trucker aunties hovering around you catering to you every whim? I will snag you a great big ape to hang out with. Yes I will," she crooned. "Yes, I will."

"Your mother would say you already did," Luke snorted.

"His name's not BJ" Jess interrupted. "And definitely not TJ."

"So what is his name, already?" Lorelai asked.

"We…kinda need to talk about that," Jess said carefully.

"His first name is Richard," Rory added quickly.

"Yeah." Luke and Lorelai said simultaneously.

There was a collective sigh, followed by an impromptu moment of respectful silence. Of course Lorelai was the one to break it. Old habits died hard.

"Hey there, little Richard. Oh!" Her eyes lit up and she started to sing softly, "Tutti Fruity, Oh…"

"Ah, Jeez," Luke groaned at the same time Jess said a firm,

"No."

"OK then, hey, little…Ricky," Lorelai tried again. "Ooh…"

"No, Lucy," Jess admonished, carefully prying his son from her. "No Little Ricky. No little anything."

"We'll probably call him Richie," Rory offered. "We'll see what sticks."

"I like Richie," Lorelai said. "Richie Rich. Hey, now there was a classic literature to film adaptation."

"The comic book movie?" Jess scoffed. "Right."

"Did you even see it? Very underrated. Great performances. Top actors. Hi Richie," Lorelai tried out the name. "Also, Richie Cunningham!" She rubbed the baby's capped head softly now that her hands were free. "Your daddy used to look just like the Fonz," she whispered to the newborn as he slept in his father's arms. "And you know what else? A lot of the Gilmore women seem to bear a striking resemblance to-"

"Rick," Luke blurted. He always liked strong, one-syllable names for boys. He and his dad, Bill, were the ones who pushed to call baby Jesse 'Jess' way back when. "You could call him Rick."

"As in Rick's American Bistro! Very Casablanca." Lorelai grinned at Rory. "Is his middle name Blaine?"

Luke saw Rory and Jess lock eyes again; then Rory spoke tentatively.

"Actually…his middle name is…Hayden."

Hayden. Hayden!? To say Luke was shocked and disappointed was an understatement. It was bad enough Richie's middle name wasn't William, after Jess' grandfathers. But Hayden? Jeez. It was no secret that Luke was partial to the name William. Lorelai and Luke had agreed to name their own son William Danes II, but, alas, were presented with two beautiful little girls before Lorelai closed up shop at the age of 42. They had been incorrectly informed that their youngest was a boy during the pregnancy; everyone had taken to referring to the fetus as Willy or Will, and they were pretty shocked in the delivery room. After a brief but animated conversation about naming their new daughter Wilma and changing their older one's name to Betty, Lorelai's Demerol wore off enough for them to settle on a namesake with meaning to both of them.

So the name William would have to wait for the next generation. And when Rory and Jess discovered they were having a boy, it seemed the wait would not be that long after all. But when Richard Gilmore tragically passed away early on in Rory's pregnancy, Luke was certain that the baby would get some variant of that name. And rightly so. But he'd hoped that maybe they'd go with Richard William, a nice mixture of the two families. He most certainly, in all the scenarios, was not expecting his nephew and step-daughter to honor Christopher Hayden in the naming of their child. That felt like a slap in the face. And Luke was having a very hard time hiding his hurt. He looked up sharply at Rory and Jess, then broke eye contact and started pacing anxiously, arms folded.

"Luke, let us explain," Jess started. "We thought a lot about this. We have been doing a lot of soul searching about names in the last few months. This is not something we undertook lightly, and we have good reasons for everything, if you will please hear us out."

The years had mellowed both Jess and Luke, and while they were essentially still their same cranky, surly selves, their underlying sweetness was more and more apparent; more to the point, they could at least now partake in rational discussion with each other without exploding- especially when one of them was holding a newborn.

"Go ahead," Luke said, calming down some as Lorelai settled in beside him.

"In the case of Hayden, we just really like the sound of the name. Rory suggested it and I thought it was cool. She wanted the middle name to start with an H," Jess started.

"It's been determined that H. is the most powerful middle initial," Rory explained.

"Yes, that's why Jesus used it," Lorelai quipped, clearly trying to lighten the mood. "Didn't work out too well for your old pal Barack, though, kid."

Rory continued, "Holden was out, so was Harry, you know, the whole literary thing again, and we just really like the name Hayden."

"As in Hayden Panetierre?" Lorelai asked.

"Who?" Jess and Luke asked in unison.

"She was in that show Heroes," Rory explained.

Jess looked at her blankly. "She? She's a girl?"

"And Nashville!" Lorelai offered encouragingly, rubbing Luke's back. "You like that show, babe. Connie Britton," she said enticingly. "Luke has a little thing for Connie Britton," she told Rory and Jess.

"I do not…" Luke started to protest.

"You got the name from some stupid TV actress?" Jess interrupted, clearly aggravated. "You said it was a boys' name."

"It is a boys' name," Rory defended.

"Sissy boy's name," Luke taunted his nephew, glad he wasn't the only one feeling ambushed at that moment.

"Man's name," Lorelai corrected. "Like Hayden Fox. You don't get much manlier than that. He was a football coach," she explained to Luke before turning back to Rory. "Oh hey, did you hear they're making new episodes? The actor was on some other show that just ended, so now they're making new, updated Coach shows."

"Full House too," Rory nodded. "So, multi-generational binge-athon when they come out?"

"You got it, dude," Lorelai said. "I am really liking this trend of resurrecting old favorite series. Hey, you know what show I'd really, really love to see new episo-?"

Luke cut her off. "Hello? Grandson born, being named? Can we finish this real-life conversation about this actual, important event?" he asked, increasingly frustrated and confused and wanting clearer explanations. "Maybe you can talk about your cancelled and uncancelled tv shows another time."

"Aw, babe, really, Hayden Fox is a great namesake," Lorelai cajoled. "He's all gruff and grumbly, but really very sweet and paternal and protective. Reminds me of someone I know."

"Do not ever compare me to someone named Hayden," Luke growled.

"I didn't say it was you," she teased.

"We're not explaining this well," Rory interrupted. "Jess?" she prodded.

"It's just a middle name, man." Jess told Luke reassuringly. "He'll never use it anyway. But truthfully, we did kind of figure that if Christopher's just delusional enough to think it's about him, well, good, it might soften the blow when he hears the entire full name."

"Richard Hayden Mariano?" Luke didn't see what was so offensive about that.

"No, Luke. Please listen, okay?" Jess sighed before continuing. "Having kids, growing up, settling down, makes you reflect on things, like names. As a kid, I was told my name was Jess Mariano. I accepted it. I mean, that's what they called me in school. It was fine, right in the middle of the class list, kind of faded in, I never thought about it. And my mom had so many different last names it felt good to identify with something, I guess. But I never thought about the name, where it came from, what it represented. You know I never even laid eyes on the guy I got that name from until I was 18. It was just a word to me. Mariano, Smith, Jones, whatever. When The Subsect hit, and I kept getting all this press, and then the whole movie deal fiasco, and I started seeing and hearing 'Jess Mariano' everywhere, or worse, 'Mr. Mariano', I'd think, 'who?' But for the first time in…ever, really, it made me think of Jimmy. And not in a good way. It really started bugging the crap out of me that Jimmy was sitting there, the loser, going, 'Yup, Mariano. That's my boy.' You know he changed his Facebook name to J. Mariano and has the cover of The Subsect as his profile pic? He's got the damn movie posters, book jackets, and blow ups of the best seller lists plastered all over that stupid hot dog stand. It's not right. Fu-," Jess looked down at his son, "screw him. He doesn't deserve that."

"He's still your father," Luke shook his head. "I know I've never been the guy's biggest fan, but, Jess..."

"No, Luke. No. The guy means nothing to me."

"There must be something redeeming about him. You had some kind of relationship going there for a while."

"He took you in," Lorelai reminded him.

"That was mostly his girlfriend Sasha's doing," Jess rebutted. "But she wised up too, couple of years ago. Finally had enough of that loser. She took her daughter and moved back to Washington state."

"Moved out of state with her daughter? Are you sure you're not mixing her up with Anna?" Lorelai joked.

"Mix up Sasha and Anna? Hardly." Jess shook his head. "Nope, Sasha and Lily are long gone. Jimmy's all alone, a fiftysomething-year-old guy selling hot dogs on the beach in California, trying to drum up business by dropping MY name to a bunch of surf rats. And I feel absolutely no connection to him or the name. I'm certainly not proud of it, and most importantly, I don't want to pass that name on to my son. I want my son and I to have a name that has meaning, a heritage we can be proud of. And now with this mockery of a movie coming out with Mariano all over it, all the more reason to distance myself from the word for good."

"But you've made a name for yourself as Jess Mariano," Lorelai argued.

"Well, you know the next book is launching soon. And like my life, it's gone in a completely different direction. I mean, this novel has a completely different tone than The Subsect, or even Chosen," Jess referred to his second best-selling novel while he gazed at his son. "Somehow, apparently, my writing's a lot less angry than it used to be." He smirked sheepishly. "So, we thought, new style, new name. My agent says I can still write under both names if I want to. And I can decide for myself when and if we disclose the connection."

"Like the Richard Bachman books," Luke pronounced thoughtfully. The others all looked at him. "I know things," he said indignantly.

"Yeah, kind of," Jess explained. "Except, Stephen King kept writing and identifying himself as Stephen King. Whereas, from here on out, I'm officially dropping Mariano from my name, professionally AND personally."

"Are you s—"

"Yes, Luke," Jess cut him off. "I am extremely sure. This is a very big deal for me, a new identity, and I assure you I've thought it through very carefully. And discussed it openly with my partner of course, because, as we well know, that is what one does with important life changing-"

"Shut up," Luke snapped. "Wise-ass."

"Um, hey, Jess? Some things do get old," Lorelai cautioned, although she looked bemused. Even Luke had to smile a little at the needling but loving relationship Lorelai and Jess had fostered in recent years, often at his expense. "So, 'Jess Gilmore', huh? Nice ring. Oh, our books can be shelf neighbors when I publish my book," she said enthusiastically. "I can see it now: 'A novel by Lorelai Gilmore-Danes: A fascinating tale of a unwed teenage mother from a wealthy Hartford family who gave it all up only to find all the riches she needed in a small town and its local hero.'"

"Sounds fascinating," Luke deadpanned. "I'd get right on that if I were you."

"Hey, I could write a book someday," she defended with a pout. "Someday, maybe I will write a book, just like your daddy," she cooed at her grandson.

"Anyway, it's not Gilmore," Rory interrupted her mother's silliness.

"We thought about it, a lot, but, I don't know, it was weird," Jess explained. "There's already a pretty famous J. Gilmore writer, and with Rory Gilmore being the up-and-comer she is right now in journalism, I didn't want it to look like I was trying to ride on my wife's coattails. So after kicking it around for awhile, and drawing blanks, my agent finally just asked me what my mother's maiden name was…"

"Your agent? Your literary agent? Or your customer service agent at the lost credit card toll-free numb-"

Lorelai stopped short as she apparently processed what Jess' mother's maiden name was. Amazingly, her husband was faster on the uptake this time. Luke stood beside her stunned, mouth agape and blinking rapidly as he digested the significance of what Jess was saying.

"…and suddenly, it all clicked," Jess continued. "I knew what name I wanted, personally, professionally, and for my family. It's all done, DMV, passport- it's all official. It's going to take a while for me to get used to, sure, but," he looked at Luke pointedly, "this absolutely feels right to me. The new book comes out next week under the name of J.M. Danes. And this guy," Jess beamed at his son as he walked toward his uncle, "came out last night, as Richard Hayden Gilmore Danes."

Luke was speechless and still, except for his eyes, which darted from Jess and Richie to Rory.

"We're still not sure about the hyphenation situation," Rory started to ramble nervously. She must have misinterpreted Luke's eerie silence as anger. In fairness, he was hard to read. His eyes were misty, and he wasn't able to say anything, for fear his voice might crack and betray his stoic demeanor. "I'm leaning to not. Just one last name, Danes. Like Jess will be, and Luke is. Which I guess would just make Gilmore a second middle name." She met her step-father's eyes. "We really thought the Hayden thing was the least we could do for…Christopher," she finished.

Luke cleared his throat, determined to finally speak up. He couldn't resist one last dig. "Fitting, since he always does the least he can do for you."

"You can just say H, big guy," Jess smirked as he gingerly handed the baby to Luke. "As in, 'This is my grandson slash great-nephew, Richard H. Danes'."

Luke looked down in his arms at the boy who would carry on his family legacy.

"Sounds…right. It's a good name."

The End

Stole the idea for Mia as one of Luke and Lorelai's daughters from the inimitable DFC. All other names are from my weird head. And if Jess changing his last name to his mother's maiden name sounds far-fetched, it just happened in my family, with a lot more drama and a lot fewer pop culture references thrown in to lighten the mood.