Colorblind
By the grace of God, it was silent until 5AM. It was as if I had some sort of sixth sense for when it was going to start. No matter what time I went to bed the night before, I always woke up right before I heard it. Usually, she started around 2 or 3 in the morning and lasted for hours. There've been times I was late to school because of her. I couldn't hold it against her; it wasn't her fault in the slightest.
The clock ticked at 5:01 and the piercing pitch of her screams echoed through the empty house. I stumbled out of bed and made my way toward hers. I climbed under her covers and gently pulled her toward me. I started rocking her back and forth, hoping just this once she would calm down after only a few minutes of comfort. Tomorrow was the first day of senior year, and I needed all the sleep I could get. It had been easier in the summer, when the long hours of calming her down only resulted in me waking up later in the day. I had gotten used to missing breakfast; the taste of egg whites and the strong smell of black coffee were not enough to entice me out of my sleep deprived state. Nothing had taste anymore anyway; it all turned to ash in my mouth. The majority of my summer days were spent at home, listening to her quiet cries as she curled up in bed looking at the ceiling. My life was colorless; the green of the forest and the pinks and oranges of sunsets did nothing for me anymore. The days were starch white, they only to lead into nights that slithered into the darkest of black.
I don't blame my dad for giving up. After what happened, he placed all of the blame on himself. He should've been there. He shouldn't have gone with Billy on that weekend fishing trip. He should've been home with his daughters. But just as he places blame on himself, I also put some on me. I should've been a better sister. When she asked me to stay home with her rather than go out on that date, I should've said ok. I shouldn't have left her by herself.
Instead of having her family around her, Alice was home alone in her bedroom, listening to music. She didn't even hear the downstairs window break over it. If Mrs. Stanley hadn't, who knows what would've happened. I don't want to imagine what was going through Alice's head when he snuck up on her. When she realized her first love/now ex-boyfriend, who she dumped for cheating on her, was there to ruin her, to make sure no other guy would ever want to touch her. Mr. Stanley was creeping up the stairs, baseball bat in hand when Jasper lunged toward Alice, pinning her under him. His hand was suggestively sliding down her torso when he was hit by the baseball bat, knocking him out. Jasper was arrested, but even in jail he was able to get to her. He enlisted his friends to leave hateful voicemails, email her disturbing images, and even show up at the house to yell horrible things at her.
During the subsequent months after the attack, Alice started losing what made her Alice. She stopped listening to music; she never wanted to be snuck up on ever again. Before the attacks, she was a bundle of energy that never stopped. Afterward, she was left broken, barely being able to make it out of bed. She grew worse and worse, eventually having to be taken out of school. It was when she started homeschooling that the screaming began. Her therapist said it was because her brain was finally letting go of its walls. She compartmentalized all of the feelings she had toward the attack, and now her mind thought she was strong enough to work her way through what happened that night. I think that's bullshit. I think that her therapist hasn't slept next to her baby sister, only to be awoken by her violent cries for help. Her screams were for someone to have been there with her, to protect her from her asshole of an ex.
I spooned Alice in my arms, creating a cocoon around her. This was how she felt the safest. She hated her back being vulnerable. I drifted off to sleep; the only place color existed in my black and white world.
~oOo~
I woke up the next morning to my alarm clock singing some stupid pop song. I haven't had the heart to change the station; it was Alice's favorite. I struggled to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
"Bella, you need to get up." Alice's small voice broke through my sleepiness, and I groaned loudly. I rolled out of bed and walked sluggishly to our closet. While other girls would be searching through every article of clothing they had to make the perfect outfit for the first day of school, I just threw on a clean white shirt and a pair of black jeans. Fashion was always Alice's forte. I made my way to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I took one look at my hair and decided fuck it and put it up in a high ponytail. I came back to the room and picked up my backpack, making sure I had all of the necessities of the first day of school: a notebook, pens, and my iPod.
"What time are you going to pick me up?" Alice was sitting on the end of her bed, looking down at her brightly covered feet. Alice was home-schooled by Mrs. Weber, and stayed at her house until I was able to pick her up. She hated being anywhere but her bed, but Mrs. Weber was allergic to cats, and our cat Jake made it impossible for her to come over.
I brought my hand up to her cheek and grazed it softly. "I'll be home before you know it. You need to get dressed so I can drop you off though." I went to the counter in our bathroom and picked up her anti-anxiety medication and poured some water in the cup next to the sink. "Take your pill. I'll be downstairs." She rolled her eyes before taking the pill from me and swallowing it.
I heard her soft footsteps descend down the stairs 10 minutes later as my bagel popped out of the toaster. Just by looking at her, I knew today was going to be rough. Her sallow skin and the large, bruising bags under her dark, bloodshot eyes made her look like she hadn't slept in weeks. Her pixie cut hair was like a mop on her head, greasy and sticking up all over the place. Her black clothes hung from her emaciated body. She looked like a corpse. I shook my head, trying to keep my negative thoughts at bay, and smiled at her.
"You want a bagel?" She shook her head and lied down on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. I finished mine in record time, and hustled her out the door to the car. She was snapping the rubber band on her wrist every 10 seconds, mentally driving me up the walls. I hated the sound, but I knew it made her feel better. I parked in Mrs. Weber's driveway, but Alice just stared at her feet.
"Al, you gotta go." She didn't even look up at me. She just continued to stare at her shoes. "You won't be able to graduate if you don't go to school."
"So? It's not like I'm going to college anyway." She started picking at her cuticles, biting them every 5 seconds. I smacked her hand and she glared at me.
"Why wouldn't you be going to college?" She shrugged and looked back down at the floor. "Alice, you're going to college."
"How? I can barely make it a fucking day going to homeschooling. How am I going to be around hundreds of people I don't know when even being around a person I've known for years makes me hyperventilate? I'm not normal, Bees. I'm just fucked up." I felt like a bitch. She held her head in her hands, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She'd always wanted to study fashion design at Parsons. It was all she'd ever dreamed about; us moving to New York City with me going to Columbia and her at Parsons. We had the perfect plan, and everything was ruined by the little shit that couldn't keep his dick in his pants and blamed her for it. I reach over the console and hugged her, and she grasped onto my forearm, sobbing quietly.
"It's going to be ok Al. I'll always be here for you." She looked up at me and nodded.
"You promise?"
"Always. Now, you really gotta get in there 'cause I'm about to be late for my first day of senior year." She softly smiled and got up, waving goodbye as I drove quickly away. I sped into the parking lot with no luck of finding a space. Finally finding one in the back I sprinted toward my first class, and sat in my seat as the bell chimed.
~oOo~
As my fourth period teacher went over the syllabus I could feel eyes from my right boring into my skull. I looked over and saw a face I didn't recognize. It was weird, since I knew everyone in this town.
"Hi, I'm Edward," the stranger whispered.
"Um, hi." I turned my attention back to the teacher, only to have Edward clear his throat to get my attention back. "May I help you?"
"I'm new."
"Good for you." He chuckled lightly at that remark.
"So, what's your name?"
"Bella."
"Nice to meet you Bella." I nodded at him once, and turned toward the board again. While Edward didn't say anything else, I could still feel his stare burning holes into me. When Mr. Colton let us go, I jumped up from my seat and walked briskly out of the classroom.
"Hey wait!" I guess not briskly enough. Edward ran toward me, almost knocking me over. He leaned over onto his knees, trying to catch his breath.
"Yeah?"
"Well," he started panting loudly; holding onto his side like he was in pain. "I'm new in town, and you," he panted loudly again, "seem like a friendly face. I was wondering if maybe you'd," and again with the panting, "like to show me around?"
"Why would I want to do that?"
He nervously ran his hands through his hair, lightly biting his lip. He was actually quite good looking. Tall, lean body, nice strong face, sex hair to die for, and the most amazing green eyes I had ever seen. At the moment though, hurt and embarrassment was evident in his stare. Fuck. I didn't mean to be a bitch; I was just a really private person. I had impenetrable skin; no one gets to come in. To have some dude I didn't know try and manipulate me into doing something that I, quite honestly, didn't have the time or energy to do, upset me.
"Sorry, that was rude. I'm just really busy, and I don't really have time to show someone around town. I'm sure someone else would be glad to help you." He was gorgeous, so I was sure Jessica Stanley would love to get her claws into him.
"Oh, uh, ok. Would you be too busy to have lunch with me today?" Why wouldn't this boy quit? Didn't he realize I wasn't interested? It would be incredibly rude to deny him to sit with me at lunch though; it's not like I actually had anything to do at lunch besides sit by myself in the corner of the cafeteria. It would basically prevent him from having any other friends though. Being seen with either Alice or I was social suicide.
"Um, sure. I'm going to warn you though; I'm not a good friend for you."
He chuckled sexily. I'd never thought a chuckle was sexy before. "Why is that?"
"I'm pretty much a social pariah around here."
"Why's that?" Ah, the reason I didn't just chat up random strangers. They asked questions.
"In small towns like this, shit that happened in the past haunts you for the rest of your life." There. Somewhat vague, but also tells him something happened that made me into the pariah I am today.
"I see. Well, I'll take my chances." He smiled at me, and I had never seen a smile so beautiful. Well, except for maybe Alice's old smile. I didn't know anyone who could beat that.
We got our food and sat down, only to have every eye in the room fixated on us. I squirmed in my seat, uncomfortable with all of the stares. Edward, on the other hand, munched his way through his sandwich, glancing up at me and giving me a goofy grin every few minutes. It was like he couldn't feel their penetrating gazes on his back.
"So, uh, Edward. Where are you from?"
"Chicago. My brother goes to college around here, and my mom wanted a more low-key life than Chicago, so we decided to move here."
"Oh cool. So, how many brothers and sisters do you have?"
"Just the one brother, Emmett. He's studying sports medicine at UDub."
"Oh, very neat."
"What about you? Any brothers or sisters?" Fuck. Well, he'd learn about her sooner or later. Might as well be from me.
"Uh, I have one little sister. Alice."
"Sweet. How old is Alice?"
"She just turned 14 a little while ago."
"Oh, does she go here?"
"Um, no. She's home-schooled."
"Oh." The look of confusion on his face was blatant.
"You know the thing in the past that haunts me? It, uh, has to do with her."
"Oh, I see. What happened?"
"I'm, uh, I'm not really comfortable talking about it." He got up from his seat. Well, I knew it. No matter how nice, caring, or beautiful a person is, they always abandon you when things get weird or hard. He'll probably become Jessica's boyfriend in no- wait, what? He sat down next to me and put his arm around me, making me feel really awkward.
"That's ok Bella. I know we just met, but I have a feeling we're going to be in each other's lives for longer than you think." Ok, that was weird.
"Um, ok. Thanks Edward." He squeezed my shoulders into an odd side hug, whispering 'no problem' near my ear.
This was, by far, the weirdest conversation I've had with a stranger, ever. He went back to his side of the table and started asking me questions about living in our town. I answered him in a monotone manner, my brain trying to wrap itself around what just happened. What the fuck did just happen?
~oOo~
I started walking to my car at the end of the day when someone lightly collided into my left. With any other person, this would've just rocked them a little. It, of course, knocked me completely to the ground.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Edward bent over to help me up while everyone around us snickered to themselves. Great.
"It's ok Edward, I'm just clumsy." I wiped my pants off and picked up my backpack, headed toward my car again.
"So, uh, I know you said you were busy and couldn't take me around town. Well, I was just wondering if that was your tactic to make me leave you alone, or if you were actually too busy to show me around." I laughed lightly, shaking my head. There was something seriously wrong with this kid. I had no idea why he decided to follow me around like a puppy when there were so many other girls, much prettier than I, that had been talking about him all day. My last class was filled with the popular girls, glaring daggers at me for getting the attention of the new hot guy.
"Sorry to break it to you, but I am, in fact, too busy to show you around. I gotta go pick up my little sister from her homeschooling and make her and my dad dinner."
"I could come with. I'm an excellent cook." He gave me an exaggerated smile, showing off all of his bright white teeth.
"Ah, Alice doesn't do well with people she doesn't know. She'd kill me if I brought you home with me." We stopped at my car, with him slightly leaning against the driver's side door. I opened it up with my keys, only to have him grab the handle and open the door for me. I slid in and looked back up at him. He really was gorgeous.
"Oh, well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess. I'll talk to you later, Edward." He closed the door, and gave me a wave and a smile before he walked to his own car. I picked up Alice, a loud 'humph' noise coming out of her when she plopped into the seat.
"So, how was your day Al?"
"It was fine. How was yours?"
"It was," I couldn't really think of an appropriate word to describe the strangeness of Edward, so I just went with simply, "bizarre." She raised her eyebrow toward me and I shook my head, "You don't wanna know."
~oOo~
The next two months went by in a blur, mostly due to lack of sleep. It seemed Alice was having a harder time lately with her dreams, and in turn, was keeping me up longer at night. I was struggling trying to stay awake in class, getting completely lost in the lessons. Since Alice's attack, I hadn't really had a friend; most of the friends I did have were friends with Jasper and had taken his side, so they joined the 'lets-make-Bella's-life-a-living-hell' club. Now, I had a friend who really didn't give a shit what other people thought, not even me. No matter how many times I told him I was busy, or that he should find new friends, Edward was always there to wake me up in English, carry my tray of food, and sit with me at lunch. Every Friday he'd ask what I was doing that weekend and ask if I wanted to get dinner or see a movie. I'd always tell him I was busy, or I wasn't looking for that kind of relationship. I'd be lying if I said all my feelings toward him were strictly platonic though. Whenever he smiled at me or opened my door, I could feel my cheeks heat up slightly. He never pushed me to talk about things that upset me. I thought about him when I fell asleep, and he was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I really didn't know how much longer I could curb his romantic advances. Though Alice seemed to be getting worse, I couldn't help but feel happy around Edward, and it made me extremely guilty. Why did I deserve to feel happiness when Alice was struggling so much just to make it through the day?
A slam on the window next to me scared me out of my thoughts. I look up to see Edward's dorky grin and his hand waving at me. I rolled my eyes and opened the door.
"Thanks for scaring the crap out of me."
He chuckled his sexy chuckle. "Sorry, you looked like you were sleeping on your steering wheel. I didn't want the pattern to imprint on your face." I laughed, and took the hand he was offering to help me out of the car. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed when I wasn't with him.
As we started walking toward our classes, I felt like something was off. I checked my backpack, but I had everything I needed. A slight pressure on my chest was making it hard to breathe. "Bella, are you ok?" Edward's voice came out warped, as if he was talking underwater. My ringtone cut through the haze, and I frantically dug through my backpack to find my phone. It was Mrs. Weber.
I had forgotten to give Alice her medicine.
"Mrs. Weber?"
"Isabella, you need to find Alice." She sounded like she'd been crying. My heart thumped painfully in my chest.
"What do you mean I need to find her?"
"Well, when you dropped her off here, she sat almost completely still for a couple minutes before just screaming like a banshee. I've never heard anything like it. She started screaming your name, and I told her I'd take her to you at school. I went to get my purse, and when I came back the front door was open and she was gone." I felt tears sliding down my face, but I couldn't give a shit at the moment. I hung up on Mrs. Weber and started running toward the parking lot, Edward hot on my heels.
"Bells, what is going on?"
"I have to go Edward. Something happened with Alice."
"I'm coming with you."
"No, no you can't. I need to do this alone."
"Bella." He gripped the tops of my shoulders, making me face him. "Look at me Bella." I looked at him, and his eyes were swimming. I'd never seen his face look so worried. Actually, besides that first day we met, I'd never seen anything besides his gorgeous crooked smile and his dorky grin on his face. I couldn't look away from the moisture building up in his stare. "One, you're not really stable enough to drive. Two, I want to be there for you. I know, for some reason, Alice will freak out if she sees me but I also know you need me there. I don't care if you deny it, you need me."
He was right. I needed him. When did this happen? When had I gotten close enough to someone that they knew what I needed before I did? As much as these questions were mind-boggling, I couldn't think about them right now. I needed to find Alice. I just nodded at him, and gave him my keys. We raced back to my house to grab her emergency medication, and started our hunt. Edward started naming off places he thought a teenage girl might go, but I knew my sister. I knew where she'd go.
I made Edward wait in the car. As I approached the river I could hear muffled sniffles coming from the bank, and moved cautiously toward them. Curled up in fetal position in the dirt, completely soaked to the bone, was Alice. I ran up to her, collecting her in my arms. I wasn't the strongest person ever, but she had gotten so light I could carry her in my arms to the grass. I stripped off her soaking clothes and pressed her against me, trying to warm her up. I grabbed her medication out of my pocket and picked up the water bottle I had dropped when I grabbed her.
"Alice, sweetie, I need you to take this." She shook her head and tried to get away from my grasp. "Alice, it's me, Bella. I'm so sorry I forgot to give you your medication, but I need you to take it now. It'll make you feel better." With her still resisting, I had to go to extremes. I grabbed her face, making her scream. The moment her mouth opened I popped a pill and put the water bottle to her lips. She started coughing on the water I was pouring into her, but it got her pill down. I kept my iron grip on her, rocking her freezing body against my own. I let go for one second to rip off my jacket and put it around her. After a while she started calming down.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she rasped.
I let go of her so I could see her face. Her eyes looked so…defeated. Tears kept pouring out, making her eyelashes stick together. I kissed her cheek and pulled her in for a hug.
"Oh sweetheart, there's nothing you need to apologize for. It was my fault. I've just been preoccupied lately, and your pills completely slipped my mind." She nodded weakly against my shoulder.
"I wanna go home," she whispered, and I helped her stand up from the ground. As we made our way to the car, I remembered Edward.
"Al, there's something I need to tell you…"
"You like some boy named Edward, and he's probably waiting in the car. Am I right?"
"I, uh, um, how did you know?"
She smirked. "You talk in your sleep, Jelly Belly. Or, to be exact, you moan in your sleep."
"Oh my god." My face burned while the sound of Alice's bell-like giggles surrounded me. I'd missed that sound. "Well, uh, are you going to be ok in the car with him?"
"Just put me in the back and I should be ok." I opened the backseat and buckled Alice in. I sat down in the passenger seat, and Edward grabbed my hand and squeezed tightly. I looked up at his face, and was surprised with what I saw. It wasn't his goofy grin, or his charming smile, or his worried face.
His face was full of love.
"Are you guys ok?" Edward looked at Alice in the rearview mirror. She nodded and gave him a small smile.
"Um, Edward, this is my sister Alice. Alice, this is my…friend, Edward."
"It's a pleasure to meet you Alice; I've heard so much about you."
"Good things I hope."
"What else would there be?" Aaanndd…there was his goofy grin again. I laughed lightly, running the hand that wasn't in Edward's death grip through my hair. Once we got to my house, I put Alice in a warm bath to try and raise her body temperature.
"The bubble bath is vanilla, your favorite."
"Thanks, Bells. For everything. You're the best sister anyone could ask for." I smiled at her and left her to bathe, leaving the door ajar just in case she needed me. I walked down the hall toward my room and saw that Edward had made himself at home on my bed. Nervousness was flowing through my blood stream at lightning speed. I felt like my body was vibrating with it.
"Bells, are you ok? You're shaking." Well, I guess I was vibrating.
"Uh, yeah. Edward, I think I owe you an explanation."
"Bella," he scooted toward me until our thighs were lightly touching. He grabbed my hand lightly, rubbing his thumb over my palm. "I don't want you to tell me anything you're not ready to tell me. I'm here for you, always, whenever you need me. You look really shook up right now; if you really do wanna talk maybe we should wait until later."
"I'm ready, I'm fine."
"Ok, I'm all ears."
He held my hand as I told him the story, never interrupting me. I found it was easy to tell him, which was surprising. I was extremely uptight about what happened; I would always get stutter-shook and tongue tied when I tried explaining what happened and my feelings toward it to therapists. It felt freeing telling him; I hadn't felt this good in a very long time.
"Edward, I need you to know something."
"Yeah?"
The nervousness was making its comeback, but in a completely different way. My pulse skyrocketed like the flapping of the wings on the butterflies in my stomach.
"Um, I, well, I've never told anyone what I just told you. When I first met you, I thought you were just a silly kid who thought I was interesting. Somehow, though, you were able to pull me out from inside myself and unfold and uncover all the layers I had wrapped around my heart, and I will be forever grateful that you were as consistent as you were." He laughed lightly, and his hand came up and brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. I looked up at his face, and his eyes were determined.
"Bella, I, uh, I need you to know something too. The moment I met you, I felt a, uh, a spark. It was as bright as lightning. I know you've got a crazy life, and I know you're not looking for anything more than a friendship, but, uh, I just need to tell you how I feel. What, um, what I'm trying to say is I…well, I l-l-l, well, it's hard to, you know, say, and I just, well…"
"Edward?"
"Yeah?" his voice cracked. I giggled lightly, and pushed his chin up so I could look into his eyes. He smiled nervously. "Sorry, this is just, you know, nerve wracking. I've never done this before. It's a bad time too. I should just shut up. I'm just going to –"
"Edward!"
"Sorry." He tried to turning his head away, but I stopped him, and brought my lips to his. I could feel shock run though him, but he quickly recovered and kissed me back. His hand came up and tangled in my hair, bringing me closer to him. I was practically sitting on his lap, my lips showing him my appreciation and love. We broke the kiss, and pressed our foreheads together.
"I've been waiting to do that for so long." I laughed and kissed him again.
"You're such a dork."
"Well, I'm your dork." That made me smile. My dork. I could get use to that.
After a while of kissing, I looked at the clock and panicked. I had forgotten that it was a school day.
"Oh shit, Edward, you need to get back to school."
"Bella, I can't go back to school. I'll just stay with you. My mom will understand."
"Edward, you need to go back. Why don't you take my car, and just come back over after school?" He looked hesitant. "Edward. Go."
"Fine, but only because you're making me." He got up and gave me one last kiss goodbye. "I'll be back around 3, ok?" I nodded and walked him to the door.
After he was gone, I went to make sure Alice was ok, only to find her curled up in her comforter on her bed, asleep. I smiled lightly, and made my way back to my room. Staring up at the ceiling, I thought about how life was only a couple months ago. Everything had been either white or black. Waiting for Alice to have an episode, or dealing with Alice's episode. Without realizing it, Edward had brought color, beauty, and laughter back into my life. While life would always have its ups and downs, I knew that as long as I had Edward by my side, I would never be colorblind again.