I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story. They belong to Tess Gerritsen, and those at TNT.
The look on her face has been haunting you for the past 5 days. You haven't left your apartment. All you can see is the look on her face. Her shock, hurt, fear.
"Casey's going back to Afghanistan"
"For how long?"
"I don't know. He said he hadn't decided whether to re-enlist. He will, unless…"
"Unless what?"
"Unless I marry him"
The conversation replays itself in your head for the hundredth time. You groan as you roll over on your couch. You move to a sitting position and let out a moan as you are greeted by a pounding in your head. Empty beer bottles litter the floor.
I have to see her. I can't keep it to myself any longer
You make your way to the bathroom to clean yourself up a bit. You look at yourself in the mirror, and aren't surprised by the sight. Tired, glassy eyes and tangled black hair look back at you. Turning on the faucet, you splash some water onto your face and grab a paper towel.
Well Rizzoli, this is it.
You give yourself an internal pep talk as you go to get your jacket and keys. When you get into your car and start driving towards her house, you remember things. The look on Maura's face when you told her that Casey had proposed to you. Casey's face when you told him you couldn't marry him. Maura. Casey. Maura. Casey. The thoughts swirl around in your head and you feel a heaviness in your chest. A few tears escape your eyes but you angrily wipe them away.
I have to be strong. I have to tell her. I can't take it any longer.
You finally arrive at your destination in Beacon Hill. You stop the car and just sit in the silence for a few moments.
I have to tell her. It's now or never.
You step out of the car into the cool night air and take a deep breath. Your heart rate increases as you make your way to the front door. You reach your shaking hand out to ring the doorbell. You are so nervous you think you might be sick. You can hear the blood pounding in your ears with each breath you take. You have to remind yourself to breathe.
"Jane?"
You are so caught up in your thoughts you don't notice that the door has opened and you are standing there rubbing your sweaty, scarred palms together. You look into the eyes of the person you came to see, the woman you love, and you see many things there. Anger. Concern. Pain.
"I-I gotta talk to you"
"Okay. Come in." She responds coldly. I deserved that, you think. You haven't spoken to anyone for the past 5 days and ignored every phone call and the knocks at your door. You give yourself a minute to get your words out, but you just feel heavy. The heaviness that has been in your chest for the past 5 days. For the past month. For the past year. Since you realized you were in love with your best friend. You try to get your words out, because you came here to tell her how you really feel.
"M-Maura. I…." You start and stop, your eyes not knowing where to look. Your stomach is churning. The heaviness in your chest turns into tightness, almost as if your lungs were being squeezed. You feel tears forming in your eyes and know that there is no way to stop them or the onslaught of emotion that is coming with those tears. You begin to hyperventilate.
"Maura" your voice cracks "I'm s-s-sorry" you hiccup, as you let a sob escape your throat. Once that first sob is released, you can't stop the ones that follow. You cover your face as you sink to your knees on the floor, ashamed. You don't know how Maura is responding to this. You don't see how she watches you, her face turning from hurt to concern and worry in the seconds it took you to fall apart. Now, you weep at her feet, all of your repressed feelings exploding out into the open. You continue to cry, and keep your face covered. You can't bear to look at Maura. But then you feel hands, in your hair, rubbing across your back. Then arms. They wrap you up. Maura is pulling you to her chest. You wrap your arms around her and hold on tight. She rocks you back and forth, as best as she can.
"It's okay Jane" she coos, as you continue to sob. You cry, letting out all of the pain and repressed emotion that you have been holding on to. Maura just continues to hold you and rock you. After some time, you feel as if you have cried all you can. Your sobs decrease and you just sniffle as you continue to hide your face in her chest. You eventually decide that you have to tell her. You promised yourself that you would tell her tonight. You pull back from her embrace a bit so that you can look into her eyes. You see that they are wet, as she had release a few tears of her own.
"Maura" you croak. "I. I had to come tell you. I…" You take a deep breath. This is going to be harder than you thought. Then you feel a warm hand rub your arm gently.
"What is it Jane?" Genuine concern graces her features.
"I-I-I love you!" You blurt out, immediately regretting it. You can feel the heat rising in your face and know that by now you probably have gone completely red. You stare down at your lap, trying to hide behind your hair. You feel new tears begin to form in your eyes and you try to blink them away.
"Jane" She reaches her hand underneath your chin and tilts your head upwards so she can look you in the eyes. "It's okay Jane. I love you too."
A reassuring warmth spreads through your body and this time you don't try to stop the tears. Now, they are tears of happiness, not of anguish and pain. Maura reaches out to wipe your tears away and she pulls you in for a hug. You still are sitting in the heap that you crumbled into only minutes earlier. When the hug ends, she stands up and pulls you up by your hands.
"I think you need some hot chocolate. Then bed. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"
She leads you over to her kitchen counter where you pull out a stool and sit down. You don't know what to say, so you only nod. You have never felt this happy right after feeling so much pain and sadness. You feel reassured. Wanted. Needed. Loved. You feel like you belong. You can breathe again. The tightness is gone from your chest. The heaviness lifted off of your shoulders. You could run a marathon. You look up from your silent musings as Maura places a cup of hot chocolate in front of you.
"Careful, it's hot"
You smile at her and let the warm drink sit while you wait for it to cool off.
"I'm so sorry Maura. I love you and I'm so sorry" It just comes out. You didn't mean for it to but it just does.
"I forgive you Jane, but…"
"But what?" Your heart skips a beat, out of fear that things may not work out.
"What about...Casey?" That name. You had almost forgotten about him. You told him that you couldn't marry him. You told him that you weren't in love with him, and he couldn't just treat you like his plaything whenever he was back in town. You quietly recount this to Maura. You tell her that you were foolish for not realizing sooner that you were in love with her. That you needed her. There is a moment of silence after you say this to her. Needing something to do, you pick up your mug of hot chocolate and carefully take a sip. Maura makes her way around the island and is now standing in front of you.
"Jane. I am incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself. It is not an easy thing to do, and I respect you for that. In fact, it makes me love you all the more."
You feel a comforting warmth spread throughout your body. You reach up a hand to caress the side of her face and she places her hand over yours.
"I think I just want to go to bed"
"Okay Jane" She takes your hand in hers and you make your way to her bedroom, the hot chocolate long forgotten.
A/N: So, I am finally getting over myself and trying to post more stories on here (instead of just sending them to friends in the fandom). It's scary, putting your stuff out for people to see, judge, etc. Hopefully you all have nice things to say about this (but if you have any constructive criticism, that is welcome too). I know when I first shared this with a few friends in private, they didn't like the POV I used. I really wanted to get inside Jane's head for this, though. Anyways, thanks for reading!