Alfred and Arthur
ACT 1
Prologue
America and England wast one day residing at America's home, enjoying one another's company. However, a strange light surround'd those folk and stole those folk hence from the younger man's home to a place strange and far from the ordinary those gents kneweth.
SCENE I. A White Room.
Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, from a hole in the ground, clothes ripped.
ALFRED
The hell just betid? Whence art we?
ARTHUR
Just betid? Whence art we?
Mine dear sirrah, why dost thou speaketh in such a manner?
ALFRED
Nay, I am not! Ye are the one who speaketh in that manner!
ALFRED and ARTHUR freeze.
England, why dost I speaketh as thou!
ARTHUR
I taketh offense to that!
This is the tongue of mine Golden Age!
I has't not spoken thus in ages!
Something hath spelled us to speaketh in such a manner, clearly.
Now, bethink clearly. What wast we doing ere we cameth to this white cell?
ALFRED
[Pokes a white wall] I knoweth not.
All we we didst wast playeth video games.
Then some bright light shone below and tooketh us hither.
ARTHUR
America, wast thy alien "friend" in residence, perchance?
ALFRED
Nev'r would Tony doth this!
I bite mine thumb at thee, fusty sir!
ARTHUR
Knave!
They fight.
Cease! We go nowhere with this.
We needeth to figure out whither we art.
ALFRED
Easy for thee to sayeth.
I cannot see anything besides all these white walls.
A door opens in the white room.
ARTHUR
Wait! I see a door thither.
Come, we shalt try to wend through 't.
ALFRED
I wonder if tis a dream of Wonderland and Alice?
ARTHUR
Quiet. We depart.
Exeunt.
SCENE II. Verona. A public place.
Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, dressed in Verona fashion.
ALFRED
The hell just betid?!
ARTHUR
...Tis not fair tidings.
Is the door thither still?
ALFRED
Nay, tis gone.
What hath happened to mine robes?
Mine leather jacket is gone!
't better has't not disappeared!
ARTHUR
Quiet! We has't larger troubles on our hands.
Methinks I recognize this land. Tis Italy.
ALFRED
Italy? Tis no Italy I know.
Unless we art in a Renaissance Faire?
ARTHUR
Nay, I doubt tis a Faire.
Though if 't be true, tis more authentic than I care for.
The odour alone speaketh for itself.
ALFRED
Perchance we can asketh whither we art.
Enter Verona noble.
Sirrah! Doth thee know what land we stand upon?
VERONA NOBLE
Wherefore, sirs, thee art in the most wondrous city of Verona!
ARTHUR
[To himself] Tis unfortunate tidings.
VERONA NOBLE
Art thee lost, sirs?
I knoweth not thine faces.
Art thee visitors from afar?
ARTHUR
[Before ALFRED can speak] Aye. We come from merry England.
I wonder, sirrah, if thither is passage to Venice?
VERONA NOBLE
Aye, there is a coach heading thither this late day, stopping first in Padua.
There may beest room.
ARTHUR
Within this wall of flesh, there is a soul that counts thee its creditor kindly, sirrah.
Allow us to taketh our leave.
Exit VERONA NOBLE
ALFRED
I am not borne of England.
ARTHUR
I know that, thee no more brain than stone, boy.
We must leaveth hither apace.
ALFRED
England, why art thou in such a state?
Thy complexion is as milky as a ghost.
ARTHUR
Calleth me Arthur.
And hath 't not occurred to thee that tis strange that a person spake the Queen's English in the middle of Verona?
ALFRED
I suppose tis strange.
Unless tis a dream and a strange one.
ARTHUR slaps ALFRED.
Fie! How didst I deserve such treatment?!
ARTHUR
To prove tis not a dream.
Forsooth, tis a nightmare.
I believe that we art trapped in the visions of the Bard of Avon.
ALFRED
Who?
ARTHUR
Shakespeare, fool!
Has't thou nev'r read Romeo and Juliet!
ALFRED
Readeth, no.
Gazed the movie, aye.
ARTHUR
Then we art in that Verona.
ALFRED
[Shocked] No...
ARTHUR
Aye! Behold, hither cometh Sampson and Gregory now!
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with swords and bucklers
SAMPSON
Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.
GREGORY
No, for then we should be colliers.
SAMPSON
I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.
GREGORY
Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.
ALFRED
[Aside to ARTHUR] Mine God, those gents maketh less sense than thee.
ARTHUR
Thee truly art an ignorant soul.
In any case, we must depart.
Lest we become swept in the tide of events.
Exeunt
SCENE III. Capulet's orchard
Enter ROMEO
ROMEO
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
JULIET appears above at a window
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
ALFRED and ARTHUR enter off to the side, hiding behind a bush.
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
JULIET
Ay me!
ALFRED
Oh hell!
ROMEO
Who goeth thither! Cometh into the light else I strike thee with mine sword!
ALFRED and ARTHUR come out from behind the bushes, raising their hands.
ALFRED
We come in peace.
ARTHUR
Husht, Alfred.
Mine lief Romeo, we only came hither by chance.
If thee permit us to leave, we shalt say nothing of this.
We wast only seeking the coach to Venice.
ROMEO
[Raises his sword] How doth thee know mine name?
Tell me, art thee agents of the House Capulet? Montague? Speak!
ALFRED
Neither! I am American. Knoweth thee? The New World?
ARTHUR
Alfred, husht! Nay, I am not of either house, fair sir.
I am merely acquainted with thy tale.
Tis a strange thing to heareth, true, but tis true indeed.
I doth not wish to hinder thy affections with thy lady love.
So please fall back to thine speech.
ALFRED
[Aside to ARTHUR] Arthur, should we not telleth those folk?
ARTHUR
Nay! Still thy tongue!
ALFRED
[Loudly to the couple] Romeo and Juliet!
If thee be true to thy course, thou shalt meet a very unhappy fate.
I pray thee, cease now, while thee both still live.
ARTHUR
Alfred, what art thee doing?!
ALFRED
Saving their lives.
ROMEO
I would die for mine Juliet!
JULIET
And I for mine Romeo!
ALFRED
Tis mine point! Thou art both too young beest getting married, besides!
Mine inner eye is scarred from gazing upon thee whilst thee has't relations on screen!
ROMEO and JULIET stare in horror.
ARTHUR
Methinks we hadst best leave.
Thou has't done enough damage already.
We take our leave. Good night.
Exeunt.
SCENE IV. Verona. Coach house.
ARTHUR
Finally! The coach! Now, we hadst better wend back to merry London.
Perchance thither we wilt beest able to findeth a way out of this odious dream.
ALFRED
But Arthur, we cannot leaveth thus. Romeo and Juliet art still doomed.
ARTHUR
Tis as is meant to be.
We do know not what wilt befall if we interfere in this tragic tale.
We do know not whither we art or how we came by hither.
If 't be true this sorcery, how do we know that we do not unwrite the Bard's own visions?
ALFRED
Arthur... they art but children...
ARTHUR is silent.
I pray thee, please?
ARTHUR
Fine, fine!
We shalt fly back for those folk.
I pray that we do not doom ourselves in the process.
Exeunt.
SCENE V. A churchyard; in it a tomb belonging to the Capulets.
ALFRED and ARTHUR enter, armed with swords
ALFRED
Oh cool! I has't a sword!
ARTHUR
That is not cool. 't means that we wilt likely useth 't.
Now, I know not how we wend back to the coach house!
Nev'r should I has't listened to thee!
ALFRED
Wait, I hear something. Hide!
ALFRED and ARTHUR retire. ROMEO and PARIS enter.
PARIS
Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague!
Can vengeance be pursued further than death?
Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee:
Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.
ROMEO
I must indeed; and therefore came I hither.
Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man;
Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone;
Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth,
Put not another sin upon my head,
By urging me to fury: O, be gone!
By heaven, I love thee better than myself;
For I come hither arm'd against myself:
Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say,
A madman's mercy bade thee run away.
PARIS
I do defy thy conjurations,
And apprehend thee for a felon here.
ROMEO
Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!
They fight
ARTHUR
Ah! I know now whither we art in the play.
ALFRED
Good, because I hath lost the thread.
PARIS
O, I am slain!
Falls
If thou be merciful,
Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.
Dies
ROMEO
In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face.
Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris!
What said my man, when my betossed soul
Did not attend him as we rode? I think
He told me Paris should have married Juliet:
Said he not so? or did I dream it so?
Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet,
To think it was so? O, give me thy hand,
One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!
I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave;
A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth,
For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes
This vault a feasting presence full of light.
Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.
ARTHUR
Wait! The lady is not dead!
ROMEO
Thee again! Has't thou cometh to mock me in mine grief!
ALFRED
No, the lady truly is not dead!
The lady tooketh a potion that would giveth that lady the comeliness of death, without being felled in its maw.
BALTHAZAR comes forward
BALTHAZAR
What sorcery is this? Who art thee that knoweth this?
ARTHUR
Ah! I forgot that that gent wast thither.
ALFRED
Thy mind is like a candle burnt in its fusty age, Arthur.
Enter, at the other end of the churchyard, FRIAR LAURENCE, with a lantern, crow, and spade
FRIAR LAURENCE
Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night
Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?
ARTHUR
Fie, hither is one that wilt tell the truth!
Holy one, telleth those folk of thy deception, lest both children beest lost this night.
BALTHASAR
Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well.
Of these other two, I knoweth not.
ALFRED
Friends as well. Sirrah Pastor-
FRIAR LAURENCE
Friar.
ALFRED
Whatever. Tell Romeo that Juliet tooketh a potion that only maketh that lady catch but a wink.
Behold, the lady wakes!
JULIET wakes.
JULIET
Romeo? Oh Romeo!
ROMEO
Juliet!
ROMEO and JULIET embrace.
ARTHUR
I feel an ill wind coming from this.
ALFRED
I care not. Our mission is done. On to Padua, right?
ARTHUR
Then Venice. Then England, then home. God help us.
ROMEO
Wait! Valorous sirs, alloweth us to travel with thee.
ARTHUR
[Taken aback] Thee jest, surely.
JULIET
We wilt nev'r beest safe hither, kind sirs.
If thou has't done this much for us, please aid us further still.
ALFRED
Arthur? Tis only to Padua. ...How far is Padua?
ARTHUR
Far enough. No, Romeo, Juliet. We has't done too much already. We bid thee a good luck upon thy escape.
ROMEO
Wait! We can payeth thee.
I mean no offense, but thou has't the visage of men of modest means.
We can payeth for thy travel, food, lodging. Thee sail to England, aye?
I can help thee find passage to thy homeland.
ARTHUR and ALFRED examine their pockets.
ALFRED
That sounds like an excellent idea. What sayeth thee, Arthur?
ARTHUR
Very well. We shalt take thee upon thy offer.
Cometh, allow us to depart. To Padua.
Exeunt.