SO I HAVE TO WRITE THIS JUST TO GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. BUT LENA AND MONTE YES I AM UPSET WITH LENA, BUT SHE PULLED BACK AND I KNOW SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT FOR WHAT SHE DID. MONTE ON THE OTHER HAND CAN FALL OFF THE FACE OF THIS PLANET. BUT I WANTED TO WRITE THIS TO GET INTO LENA'S HEAD ABOUT WHAT SHE DONE BECAUSE YOU CAN TELL SHE FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT SHE DONE BECAUSE SHE TENSED UP WHEN STEF KISSED HER. THIS IS GOING TO BE A TWO- PART SHOT. AND FOR THE RECORD THE ACCIDENT DID NOT HAPPEN. HOPE YOU ENJOY

LENA

I rubbed the backs of Jude and Callie, as we walked into the house. I could tell that my kids were beaming inside about the news of Callie finally being able to get adopted. I admit deep down I was excited to finally get Callie adopted and give her our last name. I knew she was relived and so was the rest of our family.

All the kids besides Brandon were laughing and just feeling the joy of happiness. I just stood by the door and watched them smile and hug some more. I had a small smile on my face because I loved all my children like I carried them on my own. I felt so much love for them.

"Hey mama, we are going to go out for ice cream until dinner, you want to join us," Jude asked with so much excitement and joy in his voice.

I wanted to hang out with my kids tonight since Stef was working a little late tonight. But I just needed some time to process everything.

"Umm, no I think I will pass on this one, you guys have fun and be back by curfew please," I said to them trying to suppress my guilt and pain inside with a fake smile on my face.

"We will," they said walking out the kitchen door.

I just stood there for a minute. I wasn't even thinking just standing. I wanted to move and walk but I couldn't. I couldn't feel it in my legs to move. I knew if I started walking around the house it would remind me of Stef and if I thought about her I would fall into pieces. My best bet was for me to just stand here. Then it crossed me Stef and I had too many memories in this kitchen, way too many stories that happened in this kitchen. I started looking around and I could see images of her and I could smell her around. I could see her smile and those heaven sent eyes that make me weak every time I looked into them. I closed my eyes but I could not get the image of Stef out my head. I found myself not being able to breathe. Why was she haunting my thoughts, did she know. No she couldn't know, she was too excited about Callie, and I knew that Monte and I kissing was not anywhere near her thoughts. I just couldn't get the image of Stef out of my head. No matter how many times I tried to close my eyes. Think of something else Lena I said to myself. Did I want to think about something else, why didn't want to think about the love of my life. She was still the love of my life right. Of course she was, why think that Lena. I needed to distract myself. I started to walk but slowly at first so I wouldn't fall. Ok just think about something silly, something from your childhood. Anything but Stef. I looked at my kitchen and my mind focused on the cup that was on the counter. I could wash this I thought to myself. I walked a little faster now even though my legs felt weaker than 3 day old soda. I grabbed the cup from the counter and walked slowly to the counter and washed that cup. I could feel my hands shaking a little; I could not grip the cup any tighter than I tried to so it wouldn't fall. Why was I shaking? Food that is what I needed food to help me calm down. I went to the cabinet and placed the cup in the proper place. I went to refrigerator and looked inside and there was nothing in here to quickly make. Ok something to think about going to the store later. I needed to make dinner for the kids, was I cooking, no they could order pizza tonight. I closed the refrigerator slowly and walked to the cabinets and looked, where the hell where all the snacks. Then I opened one cabinet, then I saw it a bottle of wine. Shit I thought to myself as my mind generated to her hands touching my face, rubbing up and my down my cheek. The look she gave me. The way she grabbed that wine bottle and opened it, the excitement on her face was clearly seen, No Lena stop it. I shut the cabinet and she wouldn't leave my mind, the way she hugged and how she held on my back and rubbed my back, that smell that was on her it smelled like something that was worn for daytime affairs. It was a nice lingering smell that clung to her skin and clothes. When she leaned over to take her shoes off the slight black color of her undergarment present in my face, why I couldn't I get that image out of my face. No Lena stop it what is wrong with you. I shook my head and I couldn't get her image out of my head, that smile, the way her lips felt. Lena stop it please. I squished my eyes up tighter as tight as they can go then my wife came back in my head. The eyes. I needed this to stop. I opened my eyes up again, and Stef was standing there with tears in her eyes looking at me hurt and shaking her head at me. Stef no I thought to myself, I walked up to her but she disappeared into thin air. I felt somebody call my name, I knew I did. Wait I thought I was alone in the house. Lena I heard. Ok whose voice was this, it wasn't my kids' voice. It wasn't Stef's I knew this voice. I kept hearing my name. It was coming from upstairs I moved from the kitchen and walked, a little faster than normal. I walked up the steps. These steps, the steps that Stef carried me on, on our wedding night. Lena I heard again. Ok, it was getting closer now. It was coming from my bedroom. No I could not go in there. Not my bedroom that Stef and I shared daily. But I had to find out who was calling me. I opened my door and nobody was there. Ok I am going crazy, I knew I heard someone calling my name. I closed my eyes and opened my eyes again, there she was my temptation. She was looking at me and smiling. With nothing on but a bra and panties. What the hell, how she get in here. I looked at this woman that was not mines, and I closed my eyes again and she was gone. But Stef was there tears still in her eyes. The hurt and pain still evident in my room.

"Lena, you know she doesn't listen to you, how many more secrets can you she keep from you," I heard my temptation whispering in my ears.

I closed my ears, it wasn't working.

"Lena, I see the way you look at me, you are tired of your wife I know you are. She doesn't love you, come on Lena, I can be there for you."

"SHUT UP," I screamed.

"Lena, don't push me away, she doesn't love you anymore. I can show you love.

"She does love me, go away," I said to her.

"You know what you did was wrong, she will never forgive you.

I closed my ears and eyes and reopened them and I Stef was looking at me.

"Why Lena why," I heard her say looking at me sitting on our bed.

"Stef," I said looking in those eyes. I couldn't take to see the pain in them.

"Just why," was all she was saying.

"Stef I love you so much," I said to her.

"You hurt me Lena, how could you, I love you,"

"Stef I love you please don't be upset."

"How could you hurt me Lena, she doesn't love you Lena, I do.

"Stef I love you too, I am so sorry."

"She shook her head at me, then she disappeared.

What the fuck was going on, I couldn't take this.

"Feeling guilty there Lena," my temptation said to me.

"You ruined my life, Monte'"

"No, you did, you knew what you were doing."

"I love Stef, if you love her you shouldn't have kissed me back, now come on Lena be with me."

Then she popped up again. Those eyes that looked like death filled inside of them. The love of my life and my temptation looked at me at the same time and said these words, "you know what you did"

I screamed so loud I knew the walls were going to crack, I took my wrist and swung it over top of the dresser and knocked everything over on the floor, glass from the picture frames falling on the floor. I just screamed and then my legs gave in and I collapsed and feel to the floor. I broke down right there on the floor. I couldn't even take it anymore. I just screamed and cried. I love Stef, I hurt her, how could I . What have I done? What have I done?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I felt someone shaking me, and calling my name.

"Lena, honey wake up please," I felt her shaking my arm.

"Lena please wake up," she said I can hear the concern in her voice.

"Stef," I said.

"Yes, my love it's me," come on sit up and look at me.

She grabbed my hands and held onto them. I opened my eyes and there she was her face showing nothing but worry in them. I couldn't look at her. But I knew she was here and I rubbed my thumb on the back of her hand.

"I'm right here Lena. Come on and look at me. I fixed myself to look at her and she was kneeling down looking at me with her cop uniform on and I made the mistake by looking in those eyes. I could feel the tears coming up again.

"Lena, what happened, what is going on sweetie," she said and I got my vision back long enough to look at the room and the room was a mess. Glass and jewelry everywhere. I looked around and back at my wife's eyes. The ones I loved so much.

"There is something that I need to tell you," I said to her.

SO TOO MUCH OR NOT TOO MUCH. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT COULD OF HAPPENED TO LENA. LONG STORY SHORT. THIS TYPE OF SITUATION HAPPENED IN MY LIFE AND IT CAN REALLY MESS WITH YOUR MIND. SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. IF I KNOW YOU LIKE IT, I WILL UPDATE BY WEDNESDAY NIGHT.