Good Grief
In the beginning, we all believe in happy endings. As children we are fed tales where in the end everything turns out right. The good guys always win. Love conquers all. If you try your hardest you will always come out on top. Innocence, like childhood and everything else in life, cannot last forever. As we grow older, we begin got realize those stories are in fact just that; fictional tales created for entertainment. We come to see that there is not always a happy ending. Spouses cheat, friends betray friends, and no matter how valiantly Good can stand up to Evil, it can be crushed as easily as a foot treading on a flower. When the dust settles and the veil of childhood finally falls to reveal just how cold and ugly the world can be, it leave one with a never-ending sense of hopelessness. Lack of hope can do wonders to the mind. It strips away thoughts, only to leave one question; why? That one word, as Meriadoc Brandybuck had come to learn, had the uncanny ability to torture a person, the power to bring someone to his or her knees, and drive them into madness.
There can be multiple answers to the question of "Why?" Why was Merry's friend gone? He was killed, of course. He had died at the treacherous hands of the Uruk-hai. Although that answer covered the very basics of "Why?" it only brought up more. Why did he have to die then? Why that way? Why not Merry? So many questions, but there were no answers capable of satisfying Merry's need for understanding. He could not yet wrap his mind around the idea of Pippin being dead, but Merry himself managed to escape with only a few scrapes and bruises. This was not suppose to happen. There must be some sort of mistake, Merry would say to himself. It mostly seemed to be only a bad dream. But there was not mistake here. There are no laws in war that decides who is gets to die, or is worthy of to continue to life, just as it is in life.
Merry would not accept this part of life. It was unlike anything he had been taught, thus it cannot be true. The Good always wins. It should end in victory for them. So far there had only been little victories along the way. Saruman and his army had been defeated thanks to Merry and his new friends, the Ents. Although the battle had been won, Merry still felt empty. The sweet taste of revenge has a bitter after taste, and did not bring any satisfaction he had hoped it would bring. He should be happy though. The end was coming closer and closer each day. No matter what the outcome was Merry knew it would be the wrong one. The world could not be right without Pippin in it.
But Pippin was dead; gone forever. Merry knew this. He had witnessed the demise of his dear friend with his own eyes. Merry remembered every moment of it. One would believe he would not; the experience would have been too big to comprehend. The mind would just shut it out.
The murder of his friend haunted Merry constantly. Time went on since Pippin's death, but the memory would not leave. It would rear its ugly head, tormenting Merry throughout random times of the day, each time just as vivid as the actual event. Although Merry constantly though of Pippin's death, he never spoke of it to anyone. No one asked either. They did not want to further upset Merry in his time of tragedy, and he did not dare to break in front of the others. When Merry had been reunited with his old friends, none of them spoke of it. Aragorn was all smiles when he first saw his hobbit friend. But as he drew closer he noticed that something seemed looked off in the scene. There was no Pippin, he noticed. This was high unusually considering the pair had rarely seen one without the other. Aragorn glanced over at his companions, who all, aside from Gandalf, wore the same confused expression. Gandalf already guessed Pippin's fate when he found Merry alone in forest. He had questioned Merry about Pippin's whereabouts. Merry said they got separated, and would not speak of it anymore. Feeling a burning sensation of awkwardness from his friend's looks, Merry could only look down at his own feet as a sudden wave of sadness crashed over and drowned the temporary feeling of joy. At that moment they all understood, and that was the closest it was it came to discussion.
A few others that Merry did not know, but they knew of his situation tried to extend their sympathies to him. They would say things like "I'm sorry about your friend" or "I know how you feel. It's going to be ok". Did they understand? Probably. They were all soldiers so they had to have lost a friend or fellow soldier at some time. Everyone loses a loved one during his or her life after all. Merry had been through death before, but all of those people had been older, like his grandparents or elderly neighbors. Pippin was young, though, and younger than Merry which bothered him quite a bit. Gandalf had told Merry had been told that everything happens for a reason, even if it may not seem like it at the moment. Did everything happen for a reason, Merry wondered. It certainly did not seem to be that way. What possible reason could there have been for Pippin to die, especially for in the manner that he did? How could there ever be a reason why someone as innocent as Pippin to suffer a cruel fate? Nothing made sense to Merry now. This entire war seemed to lose its purpose more by each passing moment. What's the point of fighting when you lose what you care about the most?
Since they had set up camp Merry had been doing his very best to avoid everyone. He preferred to be alone. It allowed him to sit in peace and try to sort out all that was going on in his mind. Currently the young hobbit is sitting outside, eyes closed with his face turned up towards skywards. The sun had not shined this bright in a long time. Merry sighed and let the sun beat down on his face, the rays slowly sinking into his pores. It had a sense of ordinary life to it, one of the everyday pleasures from back home that he had long forgot.
"The Shire," Merry thought. He had not thought of the Shire for quite some time now. It all seemed so far away, like another life, and yet, at the same time it was as if it was only yesterday. He could almost smell the delicious breakfast his mother was cooking; the salty bacon, the light and fluffy biscuits. He could still feel the thick grass of the fields as he ran through it. He could hear the distant voice of Farmer Maggot cursing Merry as he made a quick get away after "borrowing" a few things, the crackling of fireworks at Bilbo's party, the laughter and joy that hobbits seemed to have an endless supply of. Home; it felt so close.
Merry's thoughts began to drift onto his family. He wondered what they were doing now as he sat alone on a barren battlefield. Probably working, he guessed. Did they ever think about him? Did they wonder where he was at or what he was doing? Do they wait patiently for his return, or have they already moved on and started a new Merry-less routines for the day? Merry wondered how different it would be when he returned to the Shire. If he returned, that is. How he would be able to go back without Pippin Merry did not know. There would be questions, ones that Merry did not have the heart to give. Maybe he wouldn't go back. He could stay with Aragorn instead, or perhaps go live with the elves. The Shire would be too boring and painful without Pippin. He would have no one to cause trouble with. Merry smiled to himself. Oh the mischief those two had gotten themselves in. Pippin had been so naive and believed everything his cousin had said, and Merry had taken full advantage of this.
But now those days were gone, Merry realized. All of those days that seemed like they could last forever were now gone. He shivered even though it was abnormally warm out. That is how everything felt now; cold. It was a terrible empty feelings being able to be warm on the outside but feel a sickening coldness on the inside. Merry sighed. All he wanted was a little adventure in his life, and now he had lost all that he had once known.
I'm sorry this was so short and not the best work I've done. I have only begun to work on my writing my ability this year, and it's a work in progress. I plan to make the other chapters much longer, and possibly branch out to other characters' feelings about Pippin's death. Also, this can be a little hard for me to write since it is personal for me. Six months ago I lost my best friend, and she was the one who got me into Lord of the Rings. I borrowed her books, and we stayed up late watching all the movies during our sleepovers, and since then I have been hooked. We always felt like we could relate to Merry's and Pippin's characters, so that is where the idea came from. It's probably not a good idea to put something so personal into a story (at least a fan fiction) but it does help me sort through my feels. So, if it gets confusing it's because my thoughts are confusing, ha-ha.
Anywho, thanks for reading and if anyone has constructive criticism I would love to hear!